Fucking hate this term

[MolliciousIntent]

Conversation today with an acquaintance, who is a SAHP, has oddly kinda upset me. I've just gone back to work after 6m mat leave and mentioned that I'll be going into London for work now and then - she said "oh it's been ages since I went to London, but then again I am a full time mum."

I'm probably just tired and stressed, but it felt like a bit of a guy punch. I'm a full time mum too. I just work as well. I've seen SAHMs described as full time mums before, now I think about it, and it makes me feel weird.

Do people really think working mums are part time parents? Or was she just having a dig?

@Pinkpeony2 it is hard work I can't disagree on that!

I remember being on maternity leave sat on the kitchen floor eating Frosties whilst crying thinking "what the feck have I done" 😂.

That does pass but you have my utmost respect for coping with 3 under 3. I salute you!

Yes, it is a job. A full time parent spends several hours doing a job. If they don't, they pay a professional to do it instead, which kind of proves my point.

I'm a 37 year old woman and my mum is a retired nurse who lives in a different town from me. I'm pretty sure she's still my mum 24hours of the day.

@whatwouldAnnaDelveydo

I've never paid a professional to parent for me

Being a mother or father isn’t a job.

It's about the most important job in the world!

Where have we come to that we value offering our labour to outside companies as higher than looking after our children and family?

I agree. Calling a SAHM unemployed is contemptuous imo. It’s shaming. And why people feel the need to talk like this about a choice that has no impact on them, is beyond me.

Thank you. Yes, I'm knackered. But no more so than any other parent to be fair. I've done maternity leave, full time working, few months of SAHP and now part time. Each equally as tiring, with different challenges. Being a SAHP I felt out of place, less valued and judged.
I'm not judging anyone, if you're a SAHP, I salute you. It's just the term 'full time' which implies that those of working are 'part time' That's the annoyance.

Calling a SAHM unemployed

A person is only 'unemployed' if they are actively looking for a new job.

@eastegg

If it has no impact on others, no need for other to pretend it has value to society

👍

@DucklingDaisy but you are not a Nanny if you are a sahp.
They are earning money by doing a job.
A sahp ( unless they are very individually wealthy) is relying on someone else for money.
They are earning nothing.
No financial contribution whatsoever.
Being a parent is not a job.

No one but a parent can parent a child. Others may be able to supervise them, educate them, medically treat them, coach them but no one else is parenting them. It's like saying that all the parents who put their kids in front of the TV or Ipad are being 'parented' by the TV or Ipad...

And much like aahms are insisting full time mum is only offensive of you want it to be, so is unemployed.

Its just a fact

🤷‍♀️

What a daft thing to get upset about. Its not a value judgement its just a phrase to mean she doesn't go out to paid employment. She could tie herself in knots trying to carefully explain that scenario without implying someone else's choices are inferior, or we could all agree the single acceptable phrase that is deemed OK to all or people could just take things at face value and stop trying to read into things in a way that says more about their own feelings and sensitivities than anything else.

God, this! It’s so simple really isn’t it when you put it like that? This ‘debate’ is so sad. And quite misogynistic imo, which is why it’s sad because it’s mainly being conducted, it seems, by women.

i think you’re being over-sensitive. Full-time Mum and SAHM are just terms that people use. Obviously if you pore over them, they’re not literally true eg SAHMs clearly don’t spend 24hrs a day in their house! Same with FTM. All it’s saying is that the woman is a SAHM and does not have paid employment. It’s no comment on you or your choices.

Very good point this!!!

👏🏻

Because you said that the SAHM was choosing not to work - if you have been a SAHM, you'll know that in addition to looking after your child (the main reason for your being at home - whether you see it as work or not) you did work, probably very hard, sometimes at some boring repetitive tasks. I assume you didn't just opt out of all domestic work. Laundry and hoovering aren't highly valued skills, but they are still work, and it's probably the SAHM who does them.

You’re being too sensitive.

It’s not ‘just a fact’ and you know it. It’s heavily loaded. The contempt drips from your posts. You can deny it if you like, but it’s there.

Nicely said.

When I had my first, I had advice from two different women I respected.
A staunch feminist Dr with years of paediatric experience said to me, “Be at home, trust me, I don’t think you’ll regret it.”
A traditional and very loving SAHM said, “make sure you go out and make a name for yourself.”

What I loved about both those women is that they offered their insight but never bitched about other women. They encouraged.

That sums it up for me

I'm my DC's mum ALL the time.

@eastegg

No more so that full time mum.

Which isn't even factual

🤷‍♀️

@eastegg and the contempt drips from some SAHM comments.

Some comments like full time mum or unemployed are meant as insults and some are not it all in how someone else chooses to take it.

Totally the same thing!

I was a SAHM for 4 years and I sure as shit didn't do all the domestic work at home because I funded my career break.

Also, it's not 'work' if you're doing it in your own home (domestic duties).