Fucking hate this term

[MolliciousIntent]

Conversation today with an acquaintance, who is a SAHP, has oddly kinda upset me. I've just gone back to work after 6m mat leave and mentioned that I'll be going into London for work now and then - she said "oh it's been ages since I went to London, but then again I am a full time mum."

I'm probably just tired and stressed, but it felt like a bit of a guy punch. I'm a full time mum too. I just work as well. I've seen SAHMs described as full time mums before, now I think about it, and it makes me feel weird.

Do people really think working mums are part time parents? Or was she just having a dig?

@Pinkpeony2 you've been incredibly rude and that's coming from a stay at home mum.

I'm grateful to be able to be a SAHM because I know people who juggle full time time work and parenting and actually I think they can have it tougher.

When their child is sick they either have to call in sick or work from home or use holiday. We don't have to worry so much about childcare or if we're going to make x appointment and try find appointments around work times.

I think you've been really rude and offensive actually to working parents.

Why should society value or fund the role of a SAHP?

If I was still out of paid work once all my kids were in school, I think I’d have to go with homemaker or housewife or something equally retro.

I voted YABU even though I completely understand what you’re saying.

Everyone is a FT mum (unless maybe you share 50/50 custody).
Some mums get to stay at home whilst other mums have no choice but to work as well.

The working mums are still FT mums which is why even if the child is in a childcare setting they still have to pick them up when they’re sick.

Even if you are a SAHP and your kids are nursery age you’ll still be a FT mum just like a working mum, even though your DCs aren’t with you all day.

However, I do not think it was meant maliciously and many SAHP get judged very harshly so maybe some use the term full time mum as they think they’ll get judged less.

I truly believe it's just a clumsy turn of phrase. I work and I'd not be offended by it. She just means "stay at home mum". It's not a dig, nobody really cares what anyone else is doing.

so, you think that the WP is 'funding the choices of the SAHP'???
is raising the child of BOTH parents not work?
If a parent's wage is barely more than the cost of childcare that would allow them to work, as a family it can make economic sense for that parent not to work outside the home. Unfortunately society - and some posters here- seem to see that as a doss. Whereas it can be physically, mentally and emotionally demanding, as well as socially isolating, hence why the woman OP spoke to 'couldn't go to London'. Obviously there's nothing stopping her going - apart from lack of childcare and maybe lack of disposable income.

So the point is you can be a 'home maker' and parent, or a nurse/lawyer/hair dresser etc etc and parent - neither is with the child 24/7 (when at school) but BOTH are still parenting 24/7. Hence BOTH are full time mums.

@PeasOff I dont know about the ‘fund it’ debate but it should be a valued role like any other in society. Of course it should! Bonkers to suggest otherwise. Having children to be the future of our society is mega important. It doesnt really matter what we all think individually in these never ending threads because the reality is that the birth rate in the UK is declining and that’s really shit news for all of our society. So supporting family roles and set ups that encourage new people to be made is important. I always think these threads descend into what we think is right or wrong individually but it’s actually not relevant - what’s actually important long term at a societal level is the bigger picture of supporting a birth rate. x

'Full time Mum' and 'Working Mum' are both phrases that can easily offend. People should perhaps consider their audience when using them

Because looking after children all day 7 days a week is a difficult and responsible job. It’s extremely important and shapes future society. There is a whole wealth of research to show that the first 5 years of a child’s life if the most important in terms of child development and shaping the person they will become.
I always find it strange how a childminder is valued but a mother of father caring for their child all day is not.

@sjxoxo

What does that have to do with being a sahm?

Do wp kids not count towards the birthrate?

'Having a job' and 'being a mum' aren't comparible. Saying 'I do full time childcare' would be more of an accurate comparison to 'having a full time job.'

Because you don't stop being a Mum just because you aren't providing 100% of the childcare.

@Pinkpeony2

My kids are looked after 24/7

We were responsible for shaping them.

So, why is the role of sahm specifically valuable?

Of course you're a full time Mum! We never stop being mothers to our children whether we're with them every second of the day or not! You can't clock on or off being a Mum. Try not to worry. My daughters are full time Mums who also work and they definitely are on the job 24/7 as they say!

Sunnyd44, surely using the logic that you are a full time mum when u work means you are also one if you share custody

Yes.

You're not 'on the job 24/7' if you work. When you're at work you don't have to look after your kids

@SunnyD44
Mum's who share custody are also full time mums. Just like ones who aren't providing 100% childcare due to working / children staying with grandparents / children being looked after by the other parent at home while they have a lay in. Etc.

No one has to look after any kid 24/7 unless they are a single homeschooling parent of a child who never sleeps with literally no other support.

If you didn’t personally look after them during their waking hours then no, You we’re not solely responsible for shaping them. Someone else shaped them whilst you weren’t there.
Honestly. This is what I mean. The role of actually caring for your child as a job is just worth nothing to most people. Apparently I could have done the exact same job for 7 years but also earned a wage too. Why didn’t someone tell me!

For everyone saying being a SAHP is "undervalued" and needs to be "valued more", could you explain further?

It's very valuable for you and your family, but I don't understand why it should be valued more by society?

How does staying at home with your own children benefit wider society in any way?

I've seen this said a few times on this thread and I'm genuinely curious.

I've been all of these over the years, couldn't care less what label I'm given, or take offense

It doesn't bother me. If you're with your child literally 100% of the day, they're not in school/nursery, I guess you are parenting full time!

Now, if you refer to yourself as a 'full time yummy mummy'...

'Being a mum' and 'providing childcare' are two separate things, that sometimes overlap

Good grief.

'Full time Mums' are not taking anything away from mums in paid work

'Working mums' are not implying that looking after one's toddlers all day isn't work.

The only accurate terms for each would be incredibly wordy and cumbersome, so we use a shorthand. Everyone knows what these terms are meant to describe, and nit picking at them is pointless and used as a way of getting at each other, which is unhealthy and sometimes spiteful.

All of us make our own choice (if we're lucky enough to have one, and many 'working mums' aren't) and we need to get a grip on our own situations and stop looking for trouble where there is none.

Personally I have far more hate for the sentimentality around 'mummyism' which in my experience can come from both groups.