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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband furious after grocery shopping

392 replies

HolyCow83 · 30/08/2022 23:18

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

OP posts:
Trying20 · 31/08/2022 10:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

qpmz · 31/08/2022 10:10

Whoever goes to the shop gets to choose what to buy and then make meals from whatever you've got. Why do MN obsess on meal planning and buying very specific items? Life is way too short!

Pointynoseowner · 31/08/2022 10:21

The poor man sounds incredibly stressed and at the end of his thether. This not about a tin of coconut milk,so much more is going on .

GelatoQueen · 31/08/2022 10:24

Putting all the emotion aside, your systems aren't working for you and you need to change things to make your life sustainable for both of you. Online shopping is easier and I would suggest you do this but DH picks up bits he needs when he is coming home from work rather than disappearing for 2 hours or you run a proper shopping list.

I also don't understand why you are feeding the kids separately. When my DS went to nursery (age 12 months) we all ate dinner together around 6.30-7. Yes it was late but frankly easier than constant meal prep. Likewise, why don't you do the bedtimes for both kids during the week, your DH does it at the weekend (Fri-Sun). Too much swapping around can be disruptive. It really does sound like you've found the hardest ways to do everything.

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 10:29

AdviceNeeded367 · 31/08/2022 09:30

As a controlling person, I’ve been introduced to therapeutic parenting where parents look for the “nurture need” behind behaviour. I’ve learned it applies to all people and often what we say or think we need is different to what we do actually need, and often what we want to achieve by asserting control is different to what actually happens.

When we assert control, we’re undermining the other persons autonomy, which in turn can create frustration and resentment.

I’m still learning, but my current mantra is “nurture trumps control” and I bring that to mind before my natural need to maintain control kicks in.

So I’d encourage you to consider why DH is reading LO a second story at bedtime (to spend more time with them? Because he’s a softy who can’t say no to them? Does it help him to wind down and regulate after a day at work? To avoid spending time with you?) For some working parents, bedtime is the best part of their day, enjoying reading a story to their child and having that special 1-2-1 time. Then consider, does you need to have control over what time bedtime is, how many stories are read etc trump that nurture need for both DH and LO who has that limited 1-2-1 time with their daddy?

I’m sure there are lots of other times that you can think of that you haven’t shared here that you can call to mind and I would encourage you again to look at the needs of the other people involved and consider whether your need for control in those situations really should have trumped their needs.

Getting your head around the fact that you’re controlling is hard - nobody wants to have themselves thought of as being controlling, but being able to be honest with yourself and admitting it to yourself allows you to know yourself better and to start to make changes.

If you’d like to know more about therapeutic parenting, Sarah Dhillon has written some books on the subject.

such a good post

what made you seek counselling?

workinmums · 31/08/2022 10:29

I hate reduced fat coconut milk. Tastes of nothing but I definitely wouldn't be starting a fight about it though...

GoTeamRocket · 31/08/2022 10:31

I think you need to give your DH a break.

I tend to be controlling over the groceries because I shop on a budget and whilst I am "saving the pennies" he spends pounds on branded biscuits and treats.

But then I take a deep breath and realise he is frugal in lots of other ways, and is a grown adult who fancies certain foods and that is fine.

What I gave done now is installed the tesco's app on my DH's phone and he can add to the shop to his heart's content. To be fair, he normally he adds things I have forgotten like toilet roll.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 31/08/2022 10:33

He was gone two hours because he probably spent an hour sat in Maccies carpark getting some peace from the nagging shrew at home. Im not surprised he's stressed 🙄

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2022 10:34

frazzledasarock · 30/08/2022 23:35

seriously posters would get angry if their partner said please don’t get fat reduced coconut milk it’s not as nice?

I’ve said this to DH and he remembers it and doesn’t buy it because it is horrible. DH never took offence.

it’s also utterly insane to do a shop at 10pm! He sounds ridiculous. Is he trying to prove a point and annoyed that you’re right and his way isn’t realistically doable every night?

Yeah agree with this. That's normal conversation between couples surely? My DH does the shopping in our house, I've often requested he gets something different or told him I didn't like a particular thing, he'd rather I told him than just pretend I like something I didn't. As other have said, he's either a prize cunt or there's more to the story

crispsndip · 31/08/2022 10:39

HelloBunny · 30/08/2022 23:47

My DH is the same. Loses it if over the tiniest thing, then says I’m nagging / controlling / winding him up. When all I did was make a suggestion / comment / ask for something to be done. Like he can do with me, anytime. And I don’t lose my shit? He is unable to actually discuss / have a two-way conversation. Always has to get the wrong end of the stick!
It when you said to him “don’t take any offence, but...” that I knew it was a familiar situation. I often find myself saying the same, as I know he’ll do exactly that... It’s extremely difficult to live with, OP. Especially the shouting in front of the kids. It’s always worse when I take any “me time” (usually when I’m sick) as he has to look after DS & gets stressed.

My marriage was like this. It was horrendous. I came to see that I just didn’t trust him or feel safe around him. Now we’re getting divorced and I still preface everything with ‘don’t be annoyed but’ — about solicitor letters! Basically my exh is so defensively reactive to any perceived slight that he becomes abusive in his reaction. I once said I was having doubts about our marriage and he hit me in a defensive rage. Bastard.

phishy · 31/08/2022 10:48

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 08:51

@phishy

i suggest you check out the only other time the op has posted on mumsnet.

a thread about her husband not putting their child to bed at 7.30 but rather 8.

the consensus was…. The op is as critical and not picking and controlling

I suggest you read my post of 6.38 this morning, which was about OP's other thread.

xogossipgirlxo · 31/08/2022 10:55

This is why, IMO, taking turns doesn't work. There will be days when one of you is tired despite knowing it's your turn to cook or shop etc. No wonder your life feels like endless chores. If your husband didn't cook that day and he came back home at 10PM, no wonder he snapped. I would snap too without any dinner so late in the evening if someone told me off for buying wrong coconut milk.

DelilahBucket · 31/08/2022 11:01

Unless there's some massive back story missing here, you are basically living with a man child and I would even dare say he is looking for a way out of the relationship. As for chucking stuff around, I've been there and it should have been my first red flag but I ignored it.
I do our meal organising and shopping every week and decide what is for tea each day, just because I'm quicker at it and more organised! DH manages to cook perfectly well if he is cooking that evening, which is usually 50% of the time. We share a meal list for the week and also the shopping list so either of us can add things we've noticed have run out or would like.

DelilahBucket · 31/08/2022 11:03

I should add, we don't have set days when one person cooks. It's usually whoever is home from work first or whoever has had a day off. We cook together if we are both off. Whoever didn't cook tends to clear the kitchen afterwards depending on what is going on that evening.

mountainsunsets · 31/08/2022 11:10

Choopi · 31/08/2022 09:52

She held off doing the online shop because he wanted to do a shop in the supermarket. There would have been food if he didn't want to do a shop irl.

It's a problem because he spent 2 hours annoying her with video calls because he can't do a shop himself. What do you mean it's not his fault? It's not his fault he spent the shop video calling her? It's not his fault he took 2 hours to do what a competent adult can do it half an hour? It's not his fault it took him 2 hours and multiple video calls to do what takes the OP 10mins? It's not his fault he had a tantrum because the OP said she doesn't cook with low fat coconut milk?

How could she sleep when he needed talking through the shop like a child?

Show quote history

That's a lot of assumptions.

She didn't have to answer the phone if the calls were so annoying - though a big part of me wonders whether he rang so he didn't get a bollocking for buying the wrong thing (seeing how she reacted to the coconut milk issue).
If he wants to spend two hours doing a food shop/browsing - why should't he? It's not like he left her with kids to feed and housework to do. He'd fed the children, bathed them AND put the toddler to bed.

He also didn't have a tantrum, he was pissed off because, after doing pretty much everything (after a full day at work), his wife couldn't even wait until the shopping was put away before nit-picking about bloody coconut milk.

And if she was that tired, she could have (as I said above) ignored her phone, or turned it off, or put it on silent and gone to sleep. There was absolutely no need for her to stay up.

xogossipgirlxo · 31/08/2022 11:18

DelilahBucket · 31/08/2022 11:03

I should add, we don't have set days when one person cooks. It's usually whoever is home from work first or whoever has had a day off. We cook together if we are both off. Whoever didn't cook tends to clear the kitchen afterwards depending on what is going on that evening.

I think this works better than schedule. Life happens, I can't imagine strictly sticking to the plan if I'm running late or so. It's more about supporting each other in running the household. It's weird that he went grocery shopping and she waited until 10PM to eat, because it was his turn to cook. It makes more sense that he goes grocery shopping, she cooks tonight, he cooks tomorrow. This way both aren't hungry, shopping done etc.

DogInATent · 31/08/2022 11:31

Taking turns to cook on alternate days, and you do 4 days and he does 3. As yesterday was his turn, and it was Wednesday, can we assume that his days are Monday, Wednesday and Friday - i.e. they are all days he's working all day until 7pm?

Flamingooooooooooooooo · 31/08/2022 11:40

"Our life just feels like endless chores now."

I recognise that. Myself and my husband feel the same. We both descend into bickering.

What immediately came to mind is that I don't think your cooking system is working. Maybe alternate weeks? Week 1 your husband cooks all meals and does his food shop whenever, wherever and however he wants. He is responsible for choosing meals, shopping for ingredients and cooking that week.

On week 2, it's your turn.

Both can request items from the other person if you need anything, or just pick them up yourself during the course of normal life e.g. pop to shop with the toddlers on the way back from the park if u realise you need shampoo.

I know that won't help any bigger problems but it should help with that one issue if it's a sore/sticking point and everything else is generally ok?

Flamingooooooooooooooo · 31/08/2022 11:41

I would also look into doubling up meals if it's affordable. E.g you cook double portions and freeze half for another day or next week.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2022 11:42

xogossipgirlxo · 31/08/2022 11:18

I think this works better than schedule. Life happens, I can't imagine strictly sticking to the plan if I'm running late or so. It's more about supporting each other in running the household. It's weird that he went grocery shopping and she waited until 10PM to eat, because it was his turn to cook. It makes more sense that he goes grocery shopping, she cooks tonight, he cooks tomorrow. This way both aren't hungry, shopping done etc.

Show quote history

Yeah this is how me and my DH work it as well, 9 times out of 10 he's home before me, it makes much more sense for him to start the dinner or else it's pretty late and we're all hangry 😂You have to recognise though that this kind of (not to sound wanky) "team work" works if both people in the relationship see themselves as equals with equal responsibility to keeping the house/family running as efficiently as possible

WalkingOnTheCracks · 31/08/2022 11:50

it’s also utterly insane to do a shop at 10pm!

No it’s not.

We had a 24-hour Tesco near us, and OH often did the grocery shopping after midnight. The kids are asleep. The supermarket’s quiet. There’s no rush.

Might be a bit unusual, but it’s not ‘insane’. And if many people didn’t do it, the shop wouldn’t be open.

Softplayhooray · 31/08/2022 11:50

HolyCow83 · 30/08/2022 23:33

Basically if it wasn’t the coconut milk I think anything I said would have tipped him. Because he spent the whole evening doing chores and unless I’m hugely appreciative it’s just not good enough. I spend all day looking after the baby and doing kids washing and this evening’s run is something I do once a week. He does put toddler to bed every night but I always put the baby. I don’t feel I nitpick at him a lot, I just thought “unless I point this out he’s never going to know I cook with the other coconut milk”. But clearly that was mistimed. I’m just worried that he’s yelling at night and chucking yoghurt on the floor and I felt like he was going to hit me although he said “no I would never do that”. I feel with young kids he basically knows I can’t leave him so he treats me however he wants to. Our life just feels like endless chores now.

Oh come on OP, as if any of this is ok. Effing and blinding to the point that kids get woken up, throwing food around and making you feel threatened is just awful. Its gotten toxic and I would personally separate and then take time to see if this is a permanent split for you, or if he has a genuine depression or breakdown going on that he might be able to work through, etc. But keeping on as it is just seems impossible and depressing. You only have one life, why waste it in a toxic relationship?

Trying20 · 31/08/2022 11:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

feistyoneyouare · 31/08/2022 11:54

it’s also utterly insane to do a shop at 10pm!

What an odd remark @frazzledasarock . The guy's behaviour is indefensible and I'm in no way defending it, but what an earth is wrong with doing a shop at 10 p.m. if that's a convenient time to do it?

WalkingOnTheCracks · 31/08/2022 11:55

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2022 23:53

So where was he? Because he wasn't at the shop for two fucking hours.

Ooh, that’s worrying. My wife could easily spend two or three hours at a big supermarket, and regularly does, often late at night.

What do you think she’s up to? Like, line-dancing or something?