MIL

[camen]

we are currently on holiday, and i've come down with some sort of allergy which i've never suffered from before. my eyes have gone extremely red and irritated and i've struggled with headaches and pain from it. we are currently staying at my in laws for a couple of days and MIL insisted she spend the night with DS so i can get a fuller night of sleep to see if it helps,

I accepted grateful for the offer until i woke up this morning and saw that she's nowhere to be found, and has taken DS with her and has not told me where she went.

am i being unreasonable to never let her stay with him again? i feel it's so wrong to take a child out the house without letting me know? especially when she left his bag here with all things he may need (nappy rash cream, sunscreen (it's almost 40 degrees here) his dummy, nappies etc. i'm fuming that she just took him and didn't tell me or DP anything.

i don't feel at ease with the fact that she tries to go against me on certain things, like buying chocolate and sweets for him when he's 7 months. and insisting that i can give him all sorts of food including those high in sugar and salt. i've massively regretted leaving him with her because i don't trust that she won't go against what i said.

how do i approach this without making a huge scene because right now i'm very ready to cause an argument.

TIA x

Wher is the empathy here? OP is unwell, abroad and with limited options.

But this isn’t the first time OP has been judgey of MIL.

If you don’t trust MIL to look after your son that’s absolutely fine but then don’t let her do it and do it yourself.

Lying in until 11am and then being annoyed about it is very unfair when MIL was only trying to help.

Most parents would give anything for someone they trust to take their LO out so they can sleep undisturbed until 11am, especially if they’re feeling unwell.

But MIL has a phone and so does OP. Within seconds OP could find out where they were.

As I said earlier, when I had my babies and we didn't have phones, I'd be annoyed if even my DH had gone off somewhere with the baby without leaving a note. But these days there's really no need if both parties have a phone.

Also can I say that as a grandma (but fortunately not a MIL to a DIL) this thread has restored my faith in mumsnet posters!

OP has not been lying in until 11. She has been in bed ill. She has not displayed her annoyance to MIL and from what I can see, her judgement is based on MIL's actions. She has accepted the help she has had to accept in circumstances that are not ideal which is why I am surprised at what a pile on she has received!

This ^

I don't leave MIL alone with my baby because neither DH nor I trust her. I would be livid at the custard tart, I don't care about blasé posters saying it's not crack cocaine. We as parents choose what to give our child and that would not include custard tarts at 7 months. MIL was encouraging us to wean from 3 months and would totally do something like that.

As others say though, where is DP? You need to have a conversation with him and present a united front, once you have agreed what that is.

@shampooing

You can choose what to give your children when they're with you

When with anyone else you can ask but can't do much more than that

OP has not been lying in until 11. She has been in bed ill. She has not displayed her annoyance to MIL and from what I can see, her judgement is based on MIL's actions.

Yes she has.
Whether she is ill or not is irrelevant and if she’s so ill she can’t get out of bed until 11am then her DH needs to take over childcare.

OP has made several references to not trusting MIL, so why not get up with her own son instead of letting MIL do it and then moan afterwards.

Babysitting and a custard tart?!

What a fucking liberty.

NC immediately!

Where was your DP in all this? Does he not do his own childcare when you need to sleep off an allergy? My main problem with this would be that she is going against your wishes about feeding him sugary things. To those posters on here who say how can it harm - yes, it really does if a tiny body is given something so unnatural to absorb before it is able to do so. Also giving sugary things as "treats" is likely to set up a lifelong relationship with sugar that is likely to turn detrimental in future.

Since when is a custard tart not "appropriate food" for a 7 month old? I thought it was all baby led weaning and letting them eat off your plate these days?

Aside from which, yes OP YABveryU but well done for not creating a scene.

You sound like a right pain OP

Have posters missed the bit where MIL has previously given the baby coffee!

My MIL would probably given DS a custard tart when out and about even though DS would have been allergic to it, as she didn’t believe in allergies, so I couldn’t trust her alone with DS when he was a baby.

She also challenged everything I did with DS that was different to what she had done.

Luckily, it got easier as DS got older. But I can understand OP’s frustration

And everyone saying MIL must have been a good mother as DH is alive, there is quite a wide spectrum of parenting between keeping child alive and killing them!

No I didn't. But if the MIL can't be trusted than a parent needs to parent him. Ill or not.

My DH is a wonderful man. He was raised by a bitch who I wouldn't trust a bettle to.

So no matter how desperate we have been she has never been left with our children..

You can't have it every which way.

Then I assume you wouldn't let your MIL look after your baby when it suited you then

Unlike the op

@toomuchlaundry a whole coffee? Was it a latte or an expresso do you know, 'cause that makes a lot of difference.

Or do you think its more likely that it was a taste of her coffee rather than an entire mug?

And there is no suggestion that the OP's baby is allergic to anything is there?

It was a custard tart.

So he had a taste of a custard tart. This is the time when flavours come into their own for toddlers. I remember giving my DD some of my shop bought (shocker!) scone as I was eating it. She wolfed it down.

@toomuchlaundry - I don't remember reading on the thread if the Op's DS has any allergies. If he is allergic to any of the ingredients in the custard tart then yes, I would have an issue with Granny feeding her grandson a custard tart. If not then it's all smoke and mirrors.

OP - You either trust your MiL to look after your DS or you don't.
It's that simple.
If you don't, then no matter how poorly you may feel, you have to step up. If you do trust her, then take whatever convalescence she may offer and recover.

As I said in my first post, the woman can't do right for doing wrong.

I feel sorry for the MIL. The poor woman has had the child for 16 hours and still gets no gratitude from the OP.

It kinda feels like the OP almost wanted this situation to occur to have a go at MIL? As others have said, it’s totally fine for you to NOT want your MIL to look after your child, that’s valid and it’s your choice for whatever reason.

what is unreasonable is saying how bad MIL is and has been in the last, accepting her offer of childcare and then throwing each and everything back in her face.

the OP even says her DP offered to look after DS but she allowed MIL to - so begs the question. Why? Because then she could have a good moan and slag off the MIL when she inevitably screwed up in OP’s eyes.

If the MIL had been sitting on the sofa when OP and her partner decided to get up she'd have been wrong for not getting the baby out for some fresh air or breathing the wrong way around PFB.

That is the way it reads to me too.

YABVU.

If you didn't trust your MIL to look after your child then your partner should have instead.

YBU.
She is a responsible person you trusted to care for DC. Yu were ill and exhausted so she left you in peace for the sleep you and she both know you needed. While still caring for DC.

Be grateful and appreciate her consideration. Get your allergy sorted out; it's not her fault.

If it's really that bad why are you staying with her, why did you let her spend the night with him & where the hell is your DP?

I am a grandmother and would never give my GC something to eat / drink that I know their parents wouldn't want them to have . I would also have left a note to say where we were going and how long we would be out . However , if you clearly dont agree with the childcare your MIL provides so you should not have left them in her care . She was kind enough to look after your DC while you were unwell , and let you sleep . If her child care is not good enough or safe then dont accept it under any circumstances .

YABU
She probably though by taking him out you could get some extra rest. It's only out for a coffee and he will survive without his bag for an hour or so.