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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL

171 replies

camen · 30/08/2022 11:06

we are currently on holiday, and i've come down with some sort of allergy which i've never suffered from before. my eyes have gone extremely red and irritated and i've struggled with headaches and pain from it. we are currently staying at my in laws for a couple of days and MIL insisted she spend the night with DS so i can get a fuller night of sleep to see if it helps,

I accepted grateful for the offer until i woke up this morning and saw that she's nowhere to be found, and has taken DS with her and has not told me where she went.

am i being unreasonable to never let her stay with him again? i feel it's so wrong to take a child out the house without letting me know? especially when she left his bag here with all things he may need (nappy rash cream, sunscreen (it's almost 40 degrees here) his dummy, nappies etc. i'm fuming that she just took him and didn't tell me or DP anything.

i don't feel at ease with the fact that she tries to go against me on certain things, like buying chocolate and sweets for him when he's 7 months. and insisting that i can give him all sorts of food including those high in sugar and salt. i've massively regretted leaving him with her because i don't trust that she won't go against what i said.

how do i approach this without making a huge scene because right now i'm very ready to cause an argument.

TIA x

OP posts:
fannyfan · 30/08/2022 11:33

Okay you are so unreasonable. She managed to raise your partner without killing him. You were unwell so she let you sleep?

I mean sure go off on her and then wonder why she never wants to see your child, why you don't have babysitters and why she hasn't got a relationship (when you need something from her)

I hope when you become a grand mother you're treated like this too

Hesma · 30/08/2022 11:33

You are overreacting, maybe because you’re unwell. She is doing you a favour… don’t make it into something it isn’t

LookItsMeAgain · 30/08/2022 11:33

Ah, I've gone back and read your opening post and you clearly have trust issues. She isn't going to poison your son. Your DP managed to grow up ok, right?

Time to take a deep breath and when they get back say "Thanks for looking after DS" and nothing more than that.

Sunnyqueen · 30/08/2022 11:34

She didn't want to wake you obviously. Im gonna assume you've made a bit of a fuss about the whole allergy thing so she's wanting to take the pressure off you. See if you'll relax a bit with a good sleep. Why does she need to give a blow by blow account of what she's doing whilst you sleep in half the morning?

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 30/08/2022 11:35

So just to confirm none of this child's parents were up by 11am?

Because if they were they would've known the plans. Unless there is a drip feed of her being a ninja.

So who did you think was caring for your child and how long did you exveot them to put their day on hold for?

JubileeTissues · 30/08/2022 11:35

What difference does "knowing where he is" make? He was with the person you left caring for him while you slept until lunchtime. Where was your DP anyway?!

She didn't want to wake you and went out with her grandson. You're being ridiculous

LookItsMeAgain · 30/08/2022 11:36

You did know where your DS was.

He was with his granny.

IncompleteSenten · 30/08/2022 11:37

She should have left a note and she should have taken a nappy at least.

Lopar · 30/08/2022 11:40

Why on earth would she need to give you 'warning'?!

Puppypads · 30/08/2022 11:45

Where is the child's father in all of this utter non issue?

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 30/08/2022 11:46

Unless she ordered 2 lattes yabu.

SunshineClouds1 · 30/08/2022 11:46

YABU

she's doing you a favour, getting him out for a walk and some fresh air.
She's letting you lie in.

saraclara · 30/08/2022 11:47

Back on the day when I had babies before mobile phones came along, I'd have expected and appreciated a note left. But since you are able to message her to find out where they were, I'm failing to see what you're so wound up about.

Original poster
camen · 30/08/2022 11:48

little update: MIL told me that she gave DS a custard tart i asked her why and said "because he was looking at me while i ate one and i had to give him" its things like this that make me not want to leave him with her. it's not in itself the taking him, it's no matter what i say, she will go against it.

OP posts:
saraclara · 30/08/2022 11:49

camen · 30/08/2022 11:48

little update: MIL told me that she gave DS a custard tart i asked her why and said "because he was looking at me while i ate one and i had to give him" its things like this that make me not want to leave him with her. it's not in itself the taking him, it's no matter what i say, she will go against it.

But your OP was about her taking him out, and you didn't tell her not to, so that's all irrelevant.

JimmyShoo · 30/08/2022 11:49

It was a custard tart not cocaine.

romdowa · 30/08/2022 11:50

Yanbu . She should have left a note , she should have brought his bag and she shouldn't be giving your 7 month old anything that goes against your wishes. My dm or mil wouldn't dare because myself and dp would blow a fuse. Has dp not read her the riot act for her carry on this morning?

Revolvingwhore · 30/08/2022 11:50

JubileeTissues · 30/08/2022 11:19

Crikey, she only went for a coffee. Can't do right for doing wrong

Agreed. So many people are so quick to bite the hand that feeds them. Do you want help or not?

PonyTime · 30/08/2022 11:50

camen · 30/08/2022 11:48

little update: MIL told me that she gave DS a custard tart i asked her why and said "because he was looking at me while i ate one and i had to give him" its things like this that make me not want to leave him with her. it's not in itself the taking him, it's no matter what i say, she will go against it.

And?

It's an egg custard tart

Not crack cocaine

Brefugee · 30/08/2022 11:51

Calm down OP. You're being bratisg. Yet another:

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: yes
OP: argues with everyone

Tigerstigers · 30/08/2022 11:54

What's wrong with a custard tart? He's not a newborn op... He must already be crawling or not far off, and consuming lots of random shite you won't even know about, grabbing anything he can get hold of for a "taste", be it sticks in the park, or a handful of cat fur. At 7 months old, a wide variety of tastes and textures are what matter, one custard tart (that he probably had one bite out of) really isn't an issue. If it were vodka, I'd see your point.

underneaththeash · 30/08/2022 11:54

You are being unreasonable, she looked after your child and let you sleep.

However, on a different note. It doesn't sound like your eye problem is allergic as you don't tend to get headaches and pain from allergic eye disease. You can also tell pretty quickly if it's that as an antihistamine will make some difference, even if it's small.

Are you getting any sticky discharge out of the eyes or is it just watery?
Do you feel like you have a cold or upper respiratory tract infection?
Can I also check that when you look at lights you're not getting a halo effect around them (more than usual).

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 30/08/2022 11:55

camen · 30/08/2022 11:48

little update: MIL told me that she gave DS a custard tart i asked her why and said "because he was looking at me while i ate one and i had to give him" its things like this that make me not want to leave him with her. it's not in itself the taking him, it's no matter what i say, she will go against it.

Again where is this child's father? How old is he? You are coming across a little ridiculous

SummerInSun · 30/08/2022 11:56

You are mixing up your issues.

Her taking him out briefly, locally, while you were asleep and ill - that's ok, though ideally she should have left a note. Though in this era of mobiles it was reasonable of her to assume you'd just call or text when you woke up.

Her feeding him age-inappropriate things without checking with you - not OK. It is the nature of grandparents to buy treats for grandchildren but there does need to be communications with the parents about what level of treating is acceptable.

You are letting how you feel about the second issue influence how you feel about the first issue.

I don't think there would be any harm in saying, "BTW could you please leave a note if you take DS out again as I was a little worried when I first woke up and you weren't here. Do take the change bag with you as there is a supply of DS's favourite snacks in there and I'd prefer you stuck to those while he is so little."

diddl · 30/08/2022 11:57

So neither of you trust her with him but you left him with her anyway?

What's his dad's excuse for that?