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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL

171 replies

camen · 30/08/2022 11:06

we are currently on holiday, and i've come down with some sort of allergy which i've never suffered from before. my eyes have gone extremely red and irritated and i've struggled with headaches and pain from it. we are currently staying at my in laws for a couple of days and MIL insisted she spend the night with DS so i can get a fuller night of sleep to see if it helps,

I accepted grateful for the offer until i woke up this morning and saw that she's nowhere to be found, and has taken DS with her and has not told me where she went.

am i being unreasonable to never let her stay with him again? i feel it's so wrong to take a child out the house without letting me know? especially when she left his bag here with all things he may need (nappy rash cream, sunscreen (it's almost 40 degrees here) his dummy, nappies etc. i'm fuming that she just took him and didn't tell me or DP anything.

i don't feel at ease with the fact that she tries to go against me on certain things, like buying chocolate and sweets for him when he's 7 months. and insisting that i can give him all sorts of food including those high in sugar and salt. i've massively regretted leaving him with her because i don't trust that she won't go against what i said.

how do i approach this without making a huge scene because right now i'm very ready to cause an argument.

TIA x

OP posts:
JubileeTissues · 30/08/2022 11:57

Oh god no, not a custard tart!

Where was his dad OP? Snoring in bed beside you?

SunnyD44 · 30/08/2022 11:57

YABVU she took your child out so you and DH could have a lie in.

Shock horror she brought the kid a custard tart!

You either trust her - so let her do this and take your child out knowing he’ll be safe with her.

Or you don’t trust her - in which case turn down her offer of her watching him and get up yourself with him.

I think I’m future you should just look after your son yourself as it seems she can’t do anything right.

SunnyD44 · 30/08/2022 11:59

You did know where your DS was.

He was with his granny.

Exactly!

However I think MIL could have a tracker on her and OP would still find a reason to be mad.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 30/08/2022 11:59

He ate the whole custard tart? Good going for a 7 month old

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 30/08/2022 12:00

Her giving him a custard tart doesn't make you anymore reasonable, so no point in drip feeding.

Why won't you answer when asked where your DP was?

Sunnyqueen · 30/08/2022 12:01

Little things like that - giving him a custard tart?! And?? Yeah no she sounds awful, definitely a danger to 7 month olds everywhere 🙄🙄

WifeMotherWorker · 30/08/2022 12:02

You are being both unreasonable and irrational!!!
Stop looking for drama where there is none, just graciously thank your MIL for thoughtfully allowing you undisturbed extra sleep.

10HailMarys · 30/08/2022 12:02

YABU. She went for a stroll to the shops and a cuppa while you slept, and your son was clearly fine, so maybe the bag of 'all the things he needs' are actually things he can do without if he's just being taken for a walk in his pushchair for an hour or whatever rather than a day out.

What, exactly, do you think your MIL was going to do with your son? So, she might give him something sugary or salty, apparently. Well, so what? As an occasional nibble once in a blue moon, that's not going to harm him in any way. Even a taste of coffee, while not ideal, is not going to harm him as a one-off.

DenholmElliot1 · 30/08/2022 12:08

OP why won't you answer the questions about where the babys dad was when all this was happening?

10HailMarys · 30/08/2022 12:10

camen · 30/08/2022 11:48

little update: MIL told me that she gave DS a custard tart i asked her why and said "because he was looking at me while i ate one and i had to give him" its things like this that make me not want to leave him with her. it's not in itself the taking him, it's no matter what i say, she will go against it.

What do you think is going to happen to him because he had a custard tart as a little treat?

When I was little, whenever we stayed with my grandparents my nan would, apparently completely unaware that it would completely negate the fact that we'd just brushed our teeth, give us a mug of Ovaltine and a jam tart to take up to bed with us. Clearly, my mum would never have done that because unlike my nan she wasn't born in the 1910s and appreciated the need for dental hygiene, but she also didn't moan about my nan doing it because our teeth were not going to suddenly fall out just because we had a jam tart at bed time three times a year or something.

I actually find the idea of a grandma bonding with her grandson over a custard tart quite adorable.

Mamoun · 30/08/2022 12:10

I understand that you might not want your baby to eat sugar at random time of the day but the important is that he doesn’t do it everyday! Grannys are meant to spoil them and do things that mums wouldn’t do!

midlifecrash · 30/08/2022 12:13

YANBU and I don’t know why it is not understandable to be worried when you wake up, baby gone, no sunscreen or nappies with him and you don’t know where he is

Bikeybikeface · 30/08/2022 12:14

a..gulp…custard tart ???!!. Faints in horror

Rowen32 · 30/08/2022 12:14

camen · 30/08/2022 11:32

so i'm being unreasonable to not appreciate knowing where my child is, especially with someone who's given him coffee before and chocolate and challenges everything i say as a parent? this isn't a one off thing she's done. i already try to calm down because i know she's his grandma and does things out of love, even though i don't trust her with him, i have allowed her to take him out before, stay with him before even though she gives him things she shouldn't and does things i say not to. i appreciated her staying with him, and even though DP insisted he would stay with DS because he too doesn't trust his mum with DC i insisted it was ok. I'm not being unreasonable i think it's just a warning wouldn't hurt, she was able to tell her niece and sister that she took DS for a while but couldn't tell the parents?

If neither you nor your husband trust her with him then it's ridiculous you let her mind him..
No, she had no need to tell you she was going - he was in her care, you entrusted him to her (even though you don't trust her) - when someone's minding my child I let them mind them

SunshineAndFizz · 30/08/2022 12:14

She offered to look after DC overnight while you were poorly.

She let you both have a lie in while she took your DC out.

She gave him a treat while out.

What a monster. Call the police immediately.

Onlyhuman123 · 30/08/2022 12:15

YABU
You are just amping to find your MiL at fault in any way. I'm guessing your baby is PFB.

Rowen32 · 30/08/2022 12:17

On the other points though I'm totally with you - it's awful to be feeding a 7 month old those things but you need to make a choice - either she's allowed mind him or she's not.
I'd be setting boundaries that if she is minding him she can't be feeding him sugar etc but if she isn't going to listen I wouldnt be giving him to her.
PP saying 'oh it's a grandparent's job to spoil' - yes maybe when they're 4 but feeding a 7 month old chocolate isn't okay.

SunshineClouds1 · 30/08/2022 12:17

camen · 30/08/2022 11:48

little update: MIL told me that she gave DS a custard tart i asked her why and said "because he was looking at me while i ate one and i had to give him" its things like this that make me not want to leave him with her. it's not in itself the taking him, it's no matter what i say, she will go against it.

Christ

He's not going to die.

A little treat with grandma is nothing but nice

AnotherAnxiousMess · 30/08/2022 12:19

YANBU, I'd have panicked if I woke up and didn't know where my baby was. The fact your MIL didn't even leave a note is crazy... I can't believe so many people think this was ok. That being said, I wouldn't tell her she can't watch your child anymore, just tell her you were worried when you woke up and didn't know where he was and if she goes out again, can she just leave a note or something.

Petrar · 30/08/2022 12:20

I disagree, she could have text you to let you know when you woke up. YANBU.

namechange30455 · 30/08/2022 12:22

If you don't trust your MIL then get up and look after him yourself.

Movingsoon21 · 30/08/2022 12:32

I’m really surprised by the responses on here. I get on very well with my in-laws and my parents but I would freak out if I woke up and they were gone with DS without a note. Really not on to just leave with no mention to parents.

on the other hand I do think it’s weird / taking the p1ss that your DH didn’t get up to take him off MIL’s hands! She must have had him for 16 hours or so! So I can see why she fancied popping out!

the custard tart is not ideal for his age (supposed to be no added sugar or salt until 1), but as a one off treat from granny it’s not the worst. Just don’t leave him with her if you don’t like/trust her!

SunnyD44 · 30/08/2022 12:34

I’m really surprised by the responses on here. I get on very well with my in-laws and my parents but I would freak out if I woke up and they were gone with DS without a note. Really not on to just leave with no mention to parents.

@Movingsoon21 why would you freak out though?

Do you think your in-laws would kidnap your DS?

What do you think they are doing to cause you to panic?

Inertia · 30/08/2022 12:41

7 month old babies don’t need custard tarts. They do need nappies, age appropriate food and milk, and sun protection, which MIL didn’t have. That said, your husband should have been doing the hands on parenting and ensured that everything needed was available.

MIL should have had a conversation with your husband about her plans while you slept. He should have gone out with her to help look after the baby.

Just don’t arrange for MIL to look after the baby on her own in future- one of the parents always needs to be actively parenting.

Naturella · 30/08/2022 12:41

Wher is the empathy here? OP is unwell, abroad and with limited options. There is a lot of criticism about where the partner is in all of this - irrelevant. They weren't available to help for whatever reason and that is not the fault of the op.
This is how I understand the situation. OP is ill and it appears she is a first time mum on holiday with her 7 month old so she is probably sleep deprived. She accepted the help that was available. This may not be her first choice of options, but needs must.
I would be deeply unhappy if someone took my child out without informing me. As someone up post pointed out, we live in the age of mobile phones and it would have taken 0 effort to send a text. Going out without basic necessities such as changing bag and sun cream is not OK. OP has not said that she does not trust MIL but has quite rightly felt annoyed when she has overidden clearly given views about what she wants her 7 month year old baby to eat. That is different from not trusting her MIL to keep baby safe and just because MIL has helped out on this occasion, it does not give her carte blanche to do whatever she likes.
OP - your feelings are valid. It sounds like you handled the situation really well. I hope you are feeling better soon and that you can enjoy the rest of your holiday.

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