To not let DD(4.5) have her hair cut the way that she wants?

[Lem0ndrizzl3]

DD is 4.5 and about to start primary school. We have been talking about having her hair cut for a while and asked her if there was a haircut that she would like. Her answer was "I want bald hair". I tried to explain to her that shaving her head is a very big decision (her hair currently reaches her waist) and that if she didn't like it, it would take years to grow back to its current length. When I tried to ask if there was any other haircuts that she liked she said she wanted "short hair like boys hair". I again tried to explain that it's a very big change and that maybe she should wait until she's older.

I thought it would be a passing thing like most of those kind of comments but she's stayed persistent that she wants a to be bald or have very short hair. In theory I don't have any issue with cutting hair hair short but I'm more concerned about what comes along with it.

I remember when I was in school, my school had rules around hair. Boys weren't allowed hair longer than a certain length and girls weren't allowed hair shorter than a certain length - unless for religious or health reasons. There was a girl who shaved her head and she was so severely bullied for it and she was given detentions just for her haircut. I also worry about the misconceptions it opens her up to. I would hate for her to get comments about her health or her gender because it doesn't apply here. And I suppose I am worried that I'd be accused by other parents of trying to make her be a boy.

My DP doesn't see the big deal, that it's just hair and it'll grow back. And he thinks it might help with her sensory issues. But I don't think it's a good idea. Aibu?

Well, no: limiting a child's choices does not equate to hypocrisy. It's just good parenting, surely?

Well, no: limiting a child's choices does not equate to hypocrisy. It's just good parenting, surely?

It depends whether there's a good reason to limit the choice, doesn't it? You wouldn't let a child eat chocolate for lunch, but you wouldn't insist she had a cheese sandwich if she wanted ham, and both were available. You wouldn't let her go out topless, but you wouldn't make her wear the red t-shirt if she wanted to wear the blue one.

In this case, it's not unreasonable to say no to a shaved head, but there's no reason not to let her have her hair cut short.

the child herself has never chosen to have long hair. She's probably just becoming aware that she doesn't have to have long hair.

She doesn't like having long hair. I'm autistic and the stress around long hair is unbearable. It take so much maintenence, I hated the feeling of it tied up if it wasn't perfect. Cut it short.

Can you agree a structured way to gradually do it ?
Tell her people often change their mind.
And agree to do say 1 inch per week.
Explain to her how long that would take to grow back.

It IS hypocrisy when they're saying a parent shouldn't stop a child having the haircut they want! But only if it's acceptable to the person posting!!

other posters are not 'allowed' to limit the options, but the 'it's her hair' mob are. Unless it's a style THEY don't approve of.

of course it's hypocrisy!!

Because many schools don't actually allow a shaved head.

If shes fair/a red head you'd also worry about too much of the scalp being exposed and getting sunburnt.

Hair is also the first level of " protection " when it comes to banging your head.

Absolutely sensible to reply restrictions when you know a particular style may not be accepted in school or could lead to a set of problems like having to deal with clippers more often than they could tolerate.

Just like you let kids choose what to wear but of its cold you make them wear a coat. Or you talk them out of flip flops of they want to go out on a scooter.

Show her some bob and pixie cut pictures so she can be sure what she wants, but let her have the autonomy of choosing. I know lots of parents who won't "let" their daughter have short hair or son have long hair and it seems really mean. My mum made me have a very short bob until I was 6 or 7 because she didn't want the labour of washing/brushing it and I HATED it.

I know a little girl who was adopted last year. Her birth mum had never had her hair cut and it was down to her bum. One of the first things she asked her forever mum was to have a "boy's haircut". She got a very short pixie and loved it, she has had it recut the same a few times now.

I am 44. And I still feel anger that my Mum wouldn't let me have MY hair how I wanted it when I was around your Daughter's age. I HATED my hair and the was no reason for her to not to go with what I wanted.

I can still remember sitting in the hairdresser's with my Mum saying "paige boy style please" and me just dreading it. I have very very low self esteem and I'm sure my mother dressing and styling me to her wishes while ignoring mine was a major major factor in that.

She is FOUR. It really really doesn't matter what haircut she has. Let her choose and get her wish.

Would you hesitate if a boy asked for short hair? Just cut it. I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't. My dd cut hers short at a young age. She hates the feel of long hair and she looks great.

I want to reiterate that Im not trying to force any stereotypes onto her. Her hair is long because of her autism and being unable to cope with a hairdressers. It's not so that I can play hairstylist. Yes it is hard to look after but we do our best to make it as easy as possible.

I'm concerned about giving her a bob because it's hard to tie up and because it seems to be sensory related I'd hate to make it even more uncomfortable for her. I'm speaking to a hairdresser on Friday to talk about her suggestions. Thanks for all of your advice

Hairdressers can be overwhelming noisy busy places with strange sounds and weird implements.

Can you go when it is quiet or have a hairdresser come to you?

If you say a bob "just long enough to put up" it can still be off her face if she likes the feel of hair up (mine don't- hence the Alice band)

It sounds like she's telling you she really really doesn't like her hair long and for lots of autistic people that can be a sensory thing in itself. If she's willing to get it cut (and has previously been anxious around hair dressers) that's saying something quite strong!

Also you can go with washed hair to avoid washing there. Show photos of the hairdresser/visit first to reduce anxiety.

The thing is with a pixie cut or a stacked bob (which my 7yo has now as she wanted to go short), they mean more regular trips to the hairdresser. If she had a more plain Bob it's not such an issue, it can just grow down until you get back there again. And she could have the top tied up.

My DD2s friend stepped in, just before she started school, and they did a pretty good job of scalping her 😂
It DOES a grow back, so that’s not really an issue here
Neither will the school be a serious problem with a very short hair cut - although completely bald might be a step too far for them

Reading your last comment, I get the feeling that the hairdresser themselves would be more of a problem, than the length of the hair. Much easier to clipper it yourself than face the hairdressers and all the noise and bustle that comes with it. There are definitely hairdressers out there though that will be able to provide a service for you and your DD.

I'd go for shoulder length with the potential of plaiting or chin length bob to start. If she decides after that she still wants it shorter then you can do it.

One of my daughters likes it long (she's an adult and has hair she can sit on) and the other likes it short.
But the one who likes it short had it around chest height for ages, then as a teen announced she was having it really short, boys cut. To a certain extent I wasn't too worried, but I know what she can be like in the dramatic stakes (very much all or nothing, followed by the drama of not liking it) so I nodded, and suggested she went for a bob first, then could consider further if she wanted.
She thought about it, decided I was right and tried a bob, and was really pleased, so has kept it like that, or a little longer.

School won’t have rules around hair and gender. They would be wiped out if they did. But many do in terms of style itself. Regardless though as mother of autistic child don’t go for one extreme to another. My daughter wanted short hair so we said yes but you can’t do it in one go. Over the course of 2 months she had an inch a week, I did it up until just below shoulders, and then hair dressers took over. She got to chin length Bob and said that’s enough and we’ve stuck with that. If she had wanted shorter that would have been fine, but she needed the steps.

There's no harm in a shorter hair cut. My then DD had their (beautiful) curls cut off at about 8yo, into a complete pixie cut. They were happier and eventually, I sw the benefits too.

1. They loved it
2. They were free to express themselves thus creating more confidence
3. Head lice were basically non existent, or super easy to get rid of (that stuff is not cheap, nor is it available on prescription)
4. Showering and drying was a breeze
5. Swimming lessons (and the independently drying after) was easier too.

DD is now DS at 17, came out 4 years ago and I truly believe that the ability to express himself then gave him the confidence and faith in me to be able to come to me with anything, like his first girlfriend.

I'm truly glad I went ahead with letting him, despite the resistance from other family members.

This is your child, totally agree, but I agree with your husband. 💜

I would opt for a shoulder length bob cut

Bald - an absolute 'no'. It won't do her any harm to hear this word!

A short 'do' is absolutely fine.

If other people accuse you of trying to make your daughter a boy, explain to them that cutting someone's hair doesn't affect their gametes.

My daughter wanted her hair cutting short like her best friend's (then a boy) when she was 4 and we got it cropped. Not bald but pixie cut type thing. Some children asked her if she was a boy, she didn't care, just said no and moved on She then had it a bit longer later in primary school (pigtails/bob) but hated anything long enough that had to be tied back. She is now back to a pixie cut now aged 11.
I'd go with it. It's just hair, it grows, why not go with what she wants?
Shorter is easier to deal with (headline less of an issue, less faffy to brush, no need to tie up etc)

With what you’ve described I’d go for something much shorter… but from a practical standpoint I wouldn’t do a pixie cut only from a maintenance standpoint. They have to be cut more often to keep shape. Go for a short bob, that can gracefully grow into a long bob if she doesn’t want to go back and have it cut to maintain the short length.

if she does seem like she’s still interested in really short hair, then the next time consider an under cut so she can be ‘sneaky bald’

in other words yes she’s telling you she doesn’t want long hair, but there are lots options between long hair and bald.

Well no, it isn't. I'm in the "let her go shorter but not shaved" camp. That's not because I don't like shaved heads on women and girls. I absolutely do: I sport a number zero buzzcut and have done for years. My opinion is based on sheltering the young girl from consequences she cannot yet grasp, while at the same time giving her appropriate choice.

From reading the posts, I suspect that other posters are giving advice for the good of the child and not based on their own preferences.

I don't see any hypocrisy. It's a term that's thrown about way too often on here, together with cancelling the cheque, booking a spa day, bulking it out with lentils, 'no' is a complete sentence and, of course, LTB 😬

Precisely so: couldn't have put it better. In terms of this thread, she can choose her hairstyle – within the bounds of sensibly derived parameters 😀

I don’t think yabu

children come out with all sorts of nonsense about what they want. Ds wanted to wear his beach shoes in winter, he wanted to wear his Batman outfit to a wedding and other such things

I would go with a shortish she is probably fed up with her hair getting knotty

*shortish bob