Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD(4.5) have her hair cut the way that she wants?

227 replies

Lem0ndrizzl3 · 30/08/2022 10:58

DD is 4.5 and about to start primary school. We have been talking about having her hair cut for a while and asked her if there was a haircut that she would like. Her answer was "I want bald hair". I tried to explain to her that shaving her head is a very big decision (her hair currently reaches her waist) and that if she didn't like it, it would take years to grow back to its current length. When I tried to ask if there was any other haircuts that she liked she said she wanted "short hair like boys hair". I again tried to explain that it's a very big change and that maybe she should wait until she's older.

I thought it would be a passing thing like most of those kind of comments but she's stayed persistent that she wants a to be bald or have very short hair. In theory I don't have any issue with cutting hair hair short but I'm more concerned about what comes along with it.

I remember when I was in school, my school had rules around hair. Boys weren't allowed hair longer than a certain length and girls weren't allowed hair shorter than a certain length - unless for religious or health reasons. There was a girl who shaved her head and she was so severely bullied for it and she was given detentions just for her haircut. I also worry about the misconceptions it opens her up to. I would hate for her to get comments about her health or her gender because it doesn't apply here. And I suppose I am worried that I'd be accused by other parents of trying to make her be a boy.

My DP doesn't see the big deal, that it's just hair and it'll grow back. And he thinks it might help with her sensory issues. But I don't think it's a good idea. Aibu?

OP posts:
Discovereads · 30/08/2022 17:40

YABU
let her have short hair if she wants to. Also, you’ll be reducing risk of her catching lice as the first years of primary there always seems to be a lice outbreak at some point and it’s a royal PITA to have to do louse and nit checks in very long hair.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 30/08/2022 17:43

Zosime · 30/08/2022 14:25

I wouldn't give a four year old a choice on this - And everyone else who has said the same -

At what age does it become 'her body - her choice' ?

When they're old enough to make an INFORMED decision & understand the consequences.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 30/08/2022 17:46

turkeyboots · 30/08/2022 14:40

A nice short Bob will also help avoid nits which are rife in primary.

Nope swinging around bib type hair is the worst!! Long hair in a plait is best,

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2022 17:48

There are no “consequences”. It’s a bloody hair cut, ffs, hair grows.

NotMeNoNo · 30/08/2022 17:50

As the parent of an ASD boy and another suspected, I gave up the battle with hair. One grew it long but he hated tying it back, they are really sensitive to anything touching or pulling their scalp, and fortunately has now had it cut at last. The other wont' go to hairdressers any more and I have to get a special autism friendly barber to come to the house.

What they look like or other people's opinions is nothing to them compared to their own sensory experience. It might be an issue of disliking the hairdresser experience, (noisy, weird smells, strangers, having her head touched), so a mobile hairdresser might feel safer.

A little bob hairstyle that's tolerant if it does grow out, but won't need tying up would be a good starting point, and will still look feminine enough if it matters to her.

Sunnyqueen · 30/08/2022 17:50

Absolutely not at 4.5 would I allow my daughter to have a short or bald hairstyle. At 14 maybe. Until then she can go as short as a Bob.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 30/08/2022 17:54

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2022 17:48

There are no “consequences”. It’s a bloody hair cut, ffs, hair grows.

Yep, it grows. But NOT at the speed of light. When she's crying about wanting her hair back, there's no comfort in her being told 'it will, when you're about 6/7'

there are when the other girls are having fun trying different styles and all she can do is put a couple of clips in.

kkneat · 30/08/2022 17:59

No I wouldn’t let a 4.5 year old decide on such a drastic hair cut

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2022 18:04

Maybe she’ll be delighted to see the back of her hair. Who knows? And if she’s not she’ll get over

Whatwouldscullydo · 30/08/2022 18:05

there are when the other girls are having fun trying different styles and all she can do is put a couple of clips in

Is that really a thing. My dds never did it nor have I.

Hair styles seem.much more down to what the parents want. Theres no way most the girls actually enjoy sitting down for ages while mum faffs about with Dutch braids/french plaits/Princess leia buns etc while their brothers get to run around playing in the garden

Girls should be being encouraged to join in games at school not sit around playing with hair.

Sunflower987 · 30/08/2022 18:08

I would get it cut just above her shoulder, she might be finding it annoying being so long.
I would say that to anyone thinking of making such a drastic change.

I don't think it's a good idea to go along with that she says she wants because at that age she's not old enough to imagine the outcome of it if she changes her mind and hates it.
She can't just stick it back on and as her concept of time won't be very good she won't understand that it will take a long time to grow.

carefullycourageous · 30/08/2022 18:09

Your dh is right, it is just hair. Let her cut it short. Waist length hair is a horrible, hot, heavy burden unless the wearer wants it. Girls have been forced to look the way their parents want for too long.

carefullycourageous · 30/08/2022 18:11

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 30/08/2022 17:54

Yep, it grows. But NOT at the speed of light. When she's crying about wanting her hair back, there's no comfort in her being told 'it will, when you're about 6/7'

there are when the other girls are having fun trying different styles and all she can do is put a couple of clips in.

Show quote history

This is pathetic. Who has 'fun' faffing with hair at that age? Sad idea of fun.

SuperCamp · 30/08/2022 18:13

She obviously hates having long hair, and I don’t blame her!

I have had short hair my entire life, have never found it a disadvantage in any way, and I can list many advantages.

Simonjt · 30/08/2022 18:15

Its just hair, it grows back, my seven year old recently had his first haircut, he donated his hair, he doesn’t like his new hair and wants to grow it back, he knows it will take a while, which is fine. Short hair is much easier for children to manage, it isn’t over their face and nits are much easier to treat.

Teand · 30/08/2022 18:16

This is pathetic. Who has 'fun' faffing with hair at that age? Sad idea of fun.

Girls at my school started doing the whole "let's do each others hair" type of sleepovers from Year 4, so a bit later than PP said. Always annoyed me cos they would do braids and diff things from magazines that I couldn't do because I had short hair.

SuperCamp · 30/08/2022 18:17

At 4 years old surely the priority is that it feels ok, is practical, enables her to live her life.

4 year olds need to be able to play, read their books without hair in their eyes, spend no longer than necessary keeping clean and presentable.

How is ‘trying out hairdos’ an activity for a small child? Why make their appearance the priority? They are not dolls.

wouldthatbeworse · 30/08/2022 18:23

My DD age 6 asked for really short hair . We had a choppy ear length bob cut (inspired by a photo I found of Carey mulligan) and she was very pleased. Handy in the heat. She does get mistaken for a bit sometimes but doesn’t care. Ideally I’ll go a bit longer next time

SuperCamp · 30/08/2022 18:25

Teand · 30/08/2022 18:16

This is pathetic. Who has 'fun' faffing with hair at that age? Sad idea of fun.

Girls at my school started doing the whole "let's do each others hair" type of sleepovers from Year 4, so a bit later than PP said. Always annoyed me cos they would do braids and diff things from magazines that I couldn't do because I had short hair.

I hated the whole ‘let’s do each other’s hair’ thing, utterly bored by it and didn’t like playing with girls who constantly wanted to do hair brushing and bobbles etc.

The OP’s Dd clearly is not interested in long hair for looks or as an activity. And if she changed her mind she has 4.5 years to go before she is a 9 year old (Yr 4)… the same length of time it has taken her to grow her current waist length hair.

If my mother had insisted I keep long hair as a child I would have set about it myself. No one wants that!

SweetSenorita · 30/08/2022 18:46

I don't buy into the 'her hair, her choice' at the age of four and a half. If children are free to make their own decisions as soon as they can articulate then .... what the fuck is the point in parents? Save to pay the bills and cook the food? Parents have been, or should have been, around the block once or twice and, as such, can see the potential consequences of actions that a child cannot. Which leads me onto....

..... as a woman of some considerable age, who shaves her head right down to nothing, it really isn't for the faint of heart. I love it but .... I've been around the block a few times and I know exactly what I'm letting myself in for.

My lovely K, a friend's daughter, had her waist length hair chopped off into a super choppy short bob and donated the hair to make wigs for children who have lost their own hair. It look STUNNING. I really wouldn't have wanted to see her go bald so young, though. I think I rock the look 😚but a four year old? No.

Try for a bob or a pixie first and see how it goes 🙏

Discovereads · 30/08/2022 19:16

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination
This is how gender stereotypes are enforced. Telling a 4yr old she can’t have very short hair because she’s a girl. And as a girl, it’s supposed to be “fun” to have long hair and “try different styles”.

suzyscat · 30/08/2022 21:21

Give her shorter hair just not bald. My daughter loves shorter hair and hates hair brushing. It's so much easier especially when the nit comb comes out.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 31/08/2022 00:43

Discovereads · 30/08/2022 19:16

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination
This is how gender stereotypes are enforced. Telling a 4yr old she can’t have very short hair because she’s a girl. And as a girl, it’s supposed to be “fun” to have long hair and “try different styles”.

I didn't say she shouldn't have it cut because she's a girl. Nor am I saying I'd tell her it is fun to have long hair & try out styles, but if that's what the girls in her class are doing, I'd try to protect her from feeling left out. That doesn't stop her playing in the mud, climbing trees or doing anything else, not does it stop the boys with long hair joining in.

I care more about the CHILD that any politically correct statement. She's FOUR, just about to start school life. It's important to make friends and 'fit in'. If that's with wearing your hair in pigtails or taking in a red car, it doesn't matter, but it does matter to feel left out because you made a decision you didn't fully understand the consequences of. If after she's settled in she wants pixi cut, then maybe, but to allow her take such a drastic step, right before starting school, seems particularly short sighted to ME.

it''ll take a LONG time to grow out a pixie cut & at FOUR, she will not really understand that.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 31/08/2022 00:45

Not to mention the abject hypocrisy of so many saying it's HER hair, let her have a pixie cut, but don't let her shave it!!!

it's either her choice or it isn't....

🙄🙄🙄

AlexandriasWindmill · 31/08/2022 01:12

People will assume she is ill if her head is shaved. Why do adults pretend there is no nuance. It's bloody exhausting.