To not let DD(4.5) have her hair cut the way that she wants?

[Lem0ndrizzl3]

DD is 4.5 and about to start primary school. We have been talking about having her hair cut for a while and asked her if there was a haircut that she would like. Her answer was "I want bald hair". I tried to explain to her that shaving her head is a very big decision (her hair currently reaches her waist) and that if she didn't like it, it would take years to grow back to its current length. When I tried to ask if there was any other haircuts that she liked she said she wanted "short hair like boys hair". I again tried to explain that it's a very big change and that maybe she should wait until she's older.

I thought it would be a passing thing like most of those kind of comments but she's stayed persistent that she wants a to be bald or have very short hair. In theory I don't have any issue with cutting hair hair short but I'm more concerned about what comes along with it.

I remember when I was in school, my school had rules around hair. Boys weren't allowed hair longer than a certain length and girls weren't allowed hair shorter than a certain length - unless for religious or health reasons. There was a girl who shaved her head and she was so severely bullied for it and she was given detentions just for her haircut. I also worry about the misconceptions it opens her up to. I would hate for her to get comments about her health or her gender because it doesn't apply here. And I suppose I am worried that I'd be accused by other parents of trying to make her be a boy.

My DP doesn't see the big deal, that it's just hair and it'll grow back. And he thinks it might help with her sensory issues. But I don't think it's a good idea. Aibu?

I'm confused... you asked her what hairstyle she wanted for starting school and now you seem reluctant to let her have a say?

She clearly wants it shorter - and I don't blame her, that was me with waist length hair as a young girl and I hated it after a while; all the washing, combing and in summer it can be really heavy and hot.

Bald is a bit extreme! But a nice bob would be great and far more practical for getting up and out in the morning without faff of combing and tying up or platting.

I don't think so many schools have really strict rules about hair nowadays so I don't think bullies would be an issue but I just think bald is a step too far

I agree with this! Why is your 4 year old dictating how she wants her hair cut?

My DDs hair was still a crop at that age because it is very, very slow growing. Nobody batted an eyelid when she started school. I agree that if she’s insistent maybe get it cut shorter, shoulder length, to start with.

Not an odd post at all. Having an autistic DS with long hair, we've had plenty of crap and upset around this age because "boys have short hair/ girls have long hair" and other such clichés and some children don't cope well with conflicting messaging and people telling them they're wrong when they're not

All I'm suggesting is make the change gradually so that the DD is used to it and happy. If she does hit against rigid stereotypes least she is secure in herself to deal with it.

What you don't want is the scenario of a drastic change that the child then doesn't like and can't resolve quickly, and then have that reinforced by stupid comments. Unfortunately there are a lot of children raised with narrow stereotypes and not all children are ready at a young age to be trail blazers in challenging them. While teachers can and do address these things, that often doesn't take the hurt away from comments like "you can't be a girl because you have short hair"

Well, it's her hair 🤷🏻‍♀️

Once she gets better access to scissors in reception you might find the problem is solved for you. 😂

I would let her have it cut to just below shoulder length to see if she likes it shorter and take it from there. I wouldn't let her go bald though - that's a step too far for me!

My dd was about 4 when I took her to the hairdressers and she asked for a hair cut "just like daddy's". The hairdresser was horrified when I showed them a picture of her father (he's bald) and then the hairdresser showed dd some pics of other short hair styles and they agreed on one. It was very short and looked great but she grew it out after that.

I did take some shit off people about giving her a boy's haircut... I ignored that and so did she.

My Dd who is 4.5 asked for "hair like him" pointing at the pirate from pop up pirate. That would be bald with a purple bandana 🙄

I got the hairdresser to cut her long hair off into a chin length Bob with a blunt fringe. She was happy with that (no more arguing and pulling out bobbles).

I agree with pixie cut for your Dd for now.

Nits are almost inevitable at that age in primary school and it's a total chore with long hair so given she already has sensory issues with her hair, why not go for something short and manageable.

I'm an Early Years professional and children of this age can be quite rigid in their understanding. They are also very accepting.

Many of them will think that boys have short hair and girls have long hair so she will very likely be mistaken for a boy by the other children. If she won't be upset by that, then a short cut is fine.

My own child would not have it that her friend with short hair was a girl and that a bit with long hair was a boy (no matter how much I tried to avoid gender stereotyping). She referred to them as the wrong sex for the whole of Reception year, no matter how many times I discussed it with her.

In your position I would consider doing it in stages. Get a good couple of inches cut off. If she's happy with that, next time go to a shoulder length bob. If she's happy with that, then the next time go for a pixie cut. I just think that, at her age, if you cut it all off she won't be able to forsee the many years it will take to grow back to the length it is now if she decides it's not for her. I'd tell a white lie and tell her that the hairdresser is only allowed to cut a little bit off each time you go until you're certain she can really appreciate the potential consequences of cutting it all off.

@Lem0ndrizzl3 Ah cute. Does she want to be like her granddad then? 😂😂

Why do people care so much about a 4yo girl's hair? Long hair is a pain, why do so many people have their LOs wear their hair that way? Mine was all cut off quite young because I made such a fuss having it washed and brushed. I don't remember anything negative about it, only that I no longer had to go through that.

Like others have suggested I’d let her aim for the hair style she wants but only allow her to do it in stage.

if her hair is very long now then going to very short or shaved is going to be an extreme change. M
id start with letting her get her hair cut into a short bob (or just long enough to put in a pony tail if she need it back off face for sensory reasons). Then if she wanted shorter after that I’d let her. Also that buys some time for her to change her mind if it’s just a fleeting want rather than something she really WANTS.

will she be alright with shavers if she has some sensory sensitivity? My sons hates them and hair cuts that are very short aren’t as easy as having a trim on longer hair. Maybe practice holding a shaver near her head/ear to test out how it would feel.

YANBU about not letting her shave her head. YABU about not letting her have short hair. Waist-length hair is, for many people, uncomfortable, inconvenient and hard to manage. And short hair does not in itself make you look like a boy!

Would the posters saying that she is too young to decide also say the same if she was a boy?

Pick out some pictures of shorter haircuts and let her pick. Or wait until she gets her hands on some scissors. It's just hair, it grows back.

She's 4.5 you decide. Cut it to shoulder length if she wants it short, that is short. I have a 4 year old and 6 year old, they do come out with some weird things. Fine pander if it's clothes they want to dress in, but cutting hair off, no sorry you aren't having a skin head you are a 4.5 year old girl.

Shoulder length isn’t short.

This whole thread is bothering me. 4yo girls everywhere are being told that having pretty hair, that confirms to a social norm is more important than practicality or what they want. It might not matter while they're 4, but they'll take it into the rest of their lives.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I wouldn't at the moment. She's too young to understand just how long it takes to grow back & if all the others are doing xyz (whatever this years trend is) she'll be upset that she can't. Fitting in is important to them when start school.

later on when she's more settled at school, if she still wants a pixie cut and if you can be arsed with the maintenance if that, then let her learn the hard way I suppose.

there are enough bug chsnges when they start school, I'd just get it trimmed as usual.

I've just seen your update about her sensory issues. I'd do a shorter Bob. If she likes that, then the next time, go shorter.

Re gender issue: don’t be afraid to let her express her tomboy ways (if this is the problem)! It is perfectly fine to be a girl who like the playing / doing the boy stereotype things. She’s not a boy because she’s a girl!

Let her have a Bob. Different cuts suit different face shapes. She will still look girly. This is really a YOU issue.

I think I would just change the subject to be honest She's four I wouldn't entertain it

I honestly don't understand all the "shoulder length" first posts. Why? Shoulder length hair is, arguably, more effort and hassle than either very long or very short hair and is not really a "short" style at all.

Let her cut it short. Bald is a line you can draw - not least because most schools don't allow shaved hair. But a short hair style doesn't have to be a boy's short back and sides (unless she wants it) and is arguably a lot easier. Although good luck finding a hairdresser - IME they hate cutting women or girls' hair short.

Any thoughts you have that begin "I remember when I was in school..." should be quickly dismissed.

You are not in school any more and you are projecting. It is 2022 and this is your daughter, not you.

I wouldn't let her shave it all off because at 4 she's probably not really able to visualise it and understand how long it will take if she changes her mind.

But certainly cutting it to just below her chin to start with is no big deal. Then see if she likes it and still wants to go shorter to a pixie cut. If she actually does want to go bald after that then I would let her.