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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD(4.5) have her hair cut the way that she wants?

227 replies

Lem0ndrizzl3 · 30/08/2022 10:58

DD is 4.5 and about to start primary school. We have been talking about having her hair cut for a while and asked her if there was a haircut that she would like. Her answer was "I want bald hair". I tried to explain to her that shaving her head is a very big decision (her hair currently reaches her waist) and that if she didn't like it, it would take years to grow back to its current length. When I tried to ask if there was any other haircuts that she liked she said she wanted "short hair like boys hair". I again tried to explain that it's a very big change and that maybe she should wait until she's older.

I thought it would be a passing thing like most of those kind of comments but she's stayed persistent that she wants a to be bald or have very short hair. In theory I don't have any issue with cutting hair hair short but I'm more concerned about what comes along with it.

I remember when I was in school, my school had rules around hair. Boys weren't allowed hair longer than a certain length and girls weren't allowed hair shorter than a certain length - unless for religious or health reasons. There was a girl who shaved her head and she was so severely bullied for it and she was given detentions just for her haircut. I also worry about the misconceptions it opens her up to. I would hate for her to get comments about her health or her gender because it doesn't apply here. And I suppose I am worried that I'd be accused by other parents of trying to make her be a boy.

My DP doesn't see the big deal, that it's just hair and it'll grow back. And he thinks it might help with her sensory issues. But I don't think it's a good idea. Aibu?

OP posts:
5128gap · 30/08/2022 11:53

I wouldn't allow it as i think she is too young to understand the impact of such a radical and long term change. She doesn't have the maturity to understand that what she may want today she may feel very differently and very upset about tomorrow.
Given that, I wouldn't have offered her such an open ended choice. It would be better to have offered her a choice between a couple of styles you thought suitable.
I agree with going shorter in stages.

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 11:54

Can you buy a really really short wig for her and see if she likes it? Could backfire I suppose?

Original poster
Lem0ndrizzl3 · 30/08/2022 11:55

Thank you all for your comments. Just some small clarifications. I definitely have not been saying anything along the lines of "that's a boys haircut, that's a girls haircut" etc. I've been very clear that girls can have short hair and boys can have long hair. DP has very long hair, and I've shaved mine in the past (as an adult). It was just how she worded it but I could've probably left that part out of my first post.

Secondly, I asked her what she would like because ever since she was little it has been impossible to have her haircut. She is autistic and up until recently even the mention of the hairdressers sent her into a panic. But we've found she is a lot more receptive to things when she has a choice. He hair does cause her some sensory problems and she has it tied up mostly anyway.

I can see I was projecting a bit though and I will speak to her about a short haircut - but not bald!

OP posts:
AlexandriasWindmill · 30/08/2022 11:57

Don't involve a DC in a conversation where you don't want their input. She can't be bald. She can have a shorter cut eg a pageboy or a pixie cut.
None of this is a big deal. You're massively overthinking it.

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 11:57

Aw she probably wants bald hair like her mum had.

LaAlouette · 30/08/2022 11:58

Children get so little control in their lives, I think this is an ideal situation for them to decide for themselves. You can tell them what you would prefer, but ultimately it's her choice. If she doesn't like it she'll learn to be more cautious next time - it's a great way to let her make a decision and live with the consequences, which are going to be very minor even if she hates it. It's only hair.

jackstini · 30/08/2022 11:58

Download one of the apps where you can add different hairstyles onto her photo

Lots of people love certain styles on others but not on themselves

If she finds one she likes, take a screenshot to the hairdresser and let her have it done

Definitely donate - my daughter lopped off 14" age 9 and was really pleased it could be of use

Septemberslooming · 30/08/2022 11:59

Marvellousmadness · 30/08/2022 11:09

She wants it
Do it

She is only 4.5
Even if she does regret it later. It'll grow back and noone bats an eye

If she does it at age 9 it will hit different if she wants it, does it...and hates it

Stop projecting. Start cutting
Cut a pixie Cut

And tell her there isn't a boy haircut or a girl haircut. Such old-fashioned nonsense
Hair is hair.

She's only 4 and there's no need to overthink the situation. Let her experience short hair and see if she likes it.

BackT · 30/08/2022 12:00

Great opportunity to donate her hair and the style linked to upthread is lovely.

My DD had similar and it grew super quick.

Little girls look so cute with funky short hair cuts!

Middledazedted · 30/08/2022 12:01

It wasn’t a big deal when I went to school. It isn’t an issue at my kids’ school where a new girl arrived recently - no one struggled to know she was a girl despite her name not being one that most other pupils knew so wouldn’t know if was male or female. I would be loathe to make it a big deal. It’s just her hair one of the very least interesting things about her.

Blush21 · 30/08/2022 12:02

I’d perhaps start with a long bob and see if she likes it, probably just annoyed by all the hair. You can always go shorter next time if she likes it. I had a bob all through childhood and keep going back to it even after growing my hair out. I just enjoy having less hair to manage especially in summer

Chikapu · 30/08/2022 12:03

What kind of school did you go to? Were you denied second helpings of gruel as well?!

Original poster
Lem0ndrizzl3 · 30/08/2022 12:03

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 11:57

Aw she probably wants bald hair like her mum had.

She didn't see me with my shaved head, I was growing out when I had her. The only person she has seen recently with a bald head is her grandad when he visited. She did keep calling him "my bald friend" so maybe that's where it came from 😂

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 30/08/2022 12:04

I would sit down and show her some styles that you think will suit her. I can appreciate that long hair can be tiresome for children if it isnt their choice.

Perhaps you could consider engaging with one of the charities that take children's hair for making wigs?

SillySausage81 · 30/08/2022 12:04

I agree that bald would be a bit extreme. Not sure why I feel that way, but I do seem to remember that when I was at school not even boys were allowed to shave their head too closely otherwise they were put in internal exclusion until it grew back. Idk, it just feels like too much to me. But I think something like a short back and sides or pixie cut shouldn't be a problem for a little girl. I remember one or two girls in my primary school in the 90s who had a short back and sides (might have been before pixie cuts were "invented") and I don't recall anyone giving them a hard time for it.

skgnome · 30/08/2022 12:04

You’re are and are not unreasonable
i would say bald is a very big decision for any 4.5 year old
however, is hair, it will grow and a pixie or short bob can look adorable
given that she’s 4.5 it maybe a very big shock to the system going from long hair to short, and if she doesn’t likes it, it’s a very long time to go through it
i would recommend compromise, go just under the shoulder to start with, and if she’s still asking for “short as a boy” go for a short bob or even a pixie cut
she won’t be the only girl with short girl and she’ll meet boys with long hair, so don’t think bullying will be an issue

Ponderingwindow · 30/08/2022 12:06

I wouldn’t shave it, but she should be allowed short hair. It’s one area where kids can really express themselves safely.

it is a big dramatic change though and that can be shocking and lead to feelings of regret. I was just in with my teen who did a fairly big change and her stylist who she has seen for years actually talked her out of doing it all at once. He says he doesn’t like agreeing to such dramatic cuts. He would rather she get there gradually, maybe do 3 cuts over 3 weeks and make sure she is happy with each step. Now, we live in an affluent area where the stylist can get away with suggesting something like this and know a parent or client is unlikely to have any problem paying for it. If you can afford to do it on 2 or 3 stages, That might be an idea. Find some pictures of interim styles. Ask her to live with each one for just a bit and make sure she is ok with getting it shorter.

Mummyoflabradors · 30/08/2022 12:07

Nope I wouldn’t let a 4.5 year old have long hair cut short, I think she’s to young to decide, maybe when she’s about 7 or 8.

Lcb123 · 30/08/2022 12:09

Her choice, but I’d suggest trying a short style first to see what she thinks. Maybe make sure she understands that you can always get more cut off, but takes a while to grow back!

Somethingneedstochange78 · 30/08/2022 12:10

It's her hair and a shorter cut will be easier to sort in the morning. She could send her hair to the little princess trust. There are some lovely girly hairstyles.

hedgehoglurker · 30/08/2022 12:13

TiaraBoo · 30/08/2022 11:06

If she has waist length hair, I’d first have it cut to just beneath shoulder length - so she goes shorter in stages.
Maybe she doesn’t like the feel of it (might be quite annoying having hair that long) and a shorter length will be enough without having to remove all her hair.

Exactly my thoughts. Waist length hair on a 4 year old is pretty extreme IMO, especially when the child wants it short.

Caratiara · 30/08/2022 12:13

My DH wanted her hair cut short about the same age as your daughter as she didn’t like the faff of it getting in her eyes (and don’t get me started on tying it back/hair clips as she hated them!!).
She was instantly happier after the cut and we’ve kept it in a short pixie for about a year now and she’s never wanted to grow it back.
She does get mistaken for a boy all the time (she also hates wearing anything ‘feminine’ either) but I am sure the same goes for boys her age with long hair. Kids will always find something to pick on but she’s had nothing but nice comments from other kids at school.

To not let DD(4.5) have her hair cut the way that she wants?
NancyJoan · 30/08/2022 12:14

Very long hair on little girls rarely looks nice, and as you say, she always has it tied back.

Start with a jaw-length bob and see if she still wants to go shorter. Maybe have a fringe too, so it’s a proper hairstyle, not just shorter hair.

EastVillage77 · 30/08/2022 12:15

Def go in stages and see how she reacts, but my friend cut daughters hair into the most gorgeous pixie cut as she had sensory issues with her hair and she looked fantastic!

10HailMarys · 30/08/2022 12:15

Get her a pixie cut.

We really seem to have gone backwards when it comes to girls' hair. I was born in the 70s and it was pretty normal for girls to have short hair in the 70s and 80s. But now people seem to fret about the very notion.