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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should you leave flowers in the church after wedding ceremony!

340 replies

confuseddoesntcutit · 29/08/2022 10:41

Hi all,

So I'm getting married In 2 weeks, got the florist organised and al bouquets paid for.

We have asked for x1 pedestal arrangement and 8x little posy-jar arrangements to decorate the church. These, along with some buttonholes, bridesmaids posy's and my bridal bouquet have come to almost £900.

We had arranged for the florist to aid in moving the arrangements from the church to our reception venue after the ceremony, so we can continue to enjoy them.

I had a message from a family member today to say how hurt they are, and how rude and mean it seems to be - to 'swipe' the flowers from the church straight after the ceremony not leaving any behind.

I didn't realise that this was a thing. Maybe I'm in the wrong? Can anybody please explain?

OP posts:

NeedMoMoney · 29/08/2022 11:34

Fayrazzled · 29/08/2022 10:45

I agree with your relative. I think the flowers should be left in the church to be enjoyed by the rest of the church community in services over the next week.
People do take them with them to the venue though- I’ve heard of it before but personally I think it’s not really the done thing.

If I spent £900 on flowers I'd take them with me and maybe give them out to family members after the wedding/reception e.g my mum, new mil, grandma etc, why should she leave them for other people? If there are regular church goers they can fork out money each week for fresh flowers! Not expect others to pay!

Lockheart · 29/08/2022 11:36

For my father's funeral we left the flowers at the church, except some special ones on the coffin which went with him to the crematorium.

A couple of days later we went back to take a couple of flowers to press and keep, but other than that they all stayed at the church.

You're best off asking the vicar what the protocol is.

catscatscurrantscurrants · 29/08/2022 11:36

I got married during Lent and the church where I married was 'high church' so no large flower arrangements allowed. I was permitted small pew end arrangements - these were done by the church ladies and I paid for them. At their suggestion, these were then sent across the road to the local nursing home for the residents to enjoy, so I guess it depends on each church and situation.
I think it was very wrong of your relative to berate you about it, and I can understand you feeling upset. It would be nice if you could leave some of your flowers at the church for others to enjoy, though - I'd have done that if it had been allowed.

TrivialSoul · 29/08/2022 11:36

We left all bar one arrangement in the church. The one we took was gifted to the organist who played as a favour. We are members of our church so paid nothing to have our service there (as is common for members in our church). Minister took no fee, church officer took no fee (both people who had known me all my life). It was a traditional church wedding and as such the flowers were left for the congregation to enjoy in the Sunday and then they were split in to bunches and taken by some of the elders to the elderly or sick parishioners as they do every week with the church flowers. I like that they hopefully brightened up someone's day. Honestly though, just ask someone at the church what the protocol is.

honeylulu · 29/08/2022 11:36

I think it's traditional to leave the church flowers if the church has provided them, not least because the it charge is usually pretty modest and as another poster indicated those arrangements often include the church's own vases/containers that will be reused week by week.

But in this case the church didn't give that option and OP made a private arrangement. In that case i think it would be unreasonable for the church to expect £900 worth of free flowers such would likely only be seen by a handful of people at next morning's service. Presumably the church was made aware that the florist would be accessing the church to install/remove the flowers before and after the service and did not object. It's not really the relative's place to be "hurt" about it. What were you supposed to do? Pay another £900 to decorate your reception venue? What about your florist wanting her vases and containers back?

landoflostcontent · 29/08/2022 11:37

Worked the other way round for me. We had a very small church wedding two days after Christmas. Didn't bother with flowers as it was a small, family wedding.We had a beautifully decorated church complete with Nativity and Christmas tree

frecklemcspeckles · 29/08/2022 11:37

This seems to be a traditional thing in some areas but like the poster above from NI, there was no issue at all with us taking flowers on to the reception. In fact our church already had its normal flowers which were moved to one side for our service. We left a pedastal but took the long arrangement from across the altar to go on the top table, then all the pew ends became table top flowers, which family and friends could take home. Far less wasteful.
To the points on it being a community building, well yes it is, we are part of that community and pay weekly at services in the basket that comes round to help with upkeep, as well as paying additionally for the cost of the wedding, priest, alter servers etc.
I don't think you're doing anything unreasonable at all OP. As many have said maybe its from when churches provided the flowers that they're expected to stay.

ethelredonagoodday · 29/08/2022 11:37

My aunt did all our wedding floristry for us, and is heavily involved in the church and on the church flower rota. We left most of the large displays, and pew ends, but did take a couple of arrangements we'd had at the doors at the entrance to the church, to use at the reception. We had smaller displays on the tables at the venue, which were there from the day before, and set up by the hotel staff...

Underhisi · 29/08/2022 11:38

I think in the past less people used private florists to decorate the church so taking the flowers afterwards wasn't considered.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/08/2022 11:38

Yes you normally leave them for the church / congregation to enjoy.

It’s not like you paid much to get married there.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/08/2022 11:39

… fine to take a few though.

Jarline · 29/08/2022 11:41

Wen we got married, we were asked to leave some cut flowers (unarranged) as a donation to the church decor for the week if we were taking our displays. It was a very good (and inexpensive) compromise.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/08/2022 11:42

It's true that it's traditional to leave the flowers, but this started before the CofE charged ££££ for the service, and when they were often done by family, friends, or the church's own flower rota people

Now that many or most of those things have changed, I wouldn't blame anyone for feeling rather differently about it - especially if the alternative's to pay out even more for folowers at the reception

daisychain01 · 29/08/2022 11:42

confuseddoesntcutit · 29/08/2022 10:47

The church is very special to us it's got a lot of family history as well as having had many the celebration, but also sad memories with funerals..
i feel very guilty now. I think most of this is actually my ignorance as I had no idea the done thing was to leave the flowers!

Don't feel bad, you weren't to know the protocol.

are you able to leave the pedestal which is very suitable for inside the church and are longer lasting as they are held together with oasis to keep them watered, and take the posy arrangements which will look nice in the tables at your reception and won't last so long.

the button holes are clearly not suitable for the church, they're for people to wear and enjoy.

Abraxan · 29/08/2022 11:43

Well you have just used the church building and facilities...

They will have paid to to use the church building and facilities. It is rarely if ever free, to use for a wedding.

Basilthymerosemary · 29/08/2022 11:44

Yes leave them. The church services will enjoy them.

WaltzingWaters · 29/08/2022 11:44

Never knew that was a thing. Although not been to a church wedding in a long time. Can you change your flowers? Think I’d just go very basic/cheap if I had to leave them.

category12 · 29/08/2022 11:45

I'm confused - have you already had your wedding and this is someone complaining afterwards, or are you about to have your wedding?

if it's the latter, just change the arrangements and leave at least some of the flowers.

If it's the former, explain you didn't realise it was the done thing and say you're embarrassed/sorry or whatever. Don't double down on it or justify it, just say you didn't know.

CupcakesK · 29/08/2022 11:46

Yes you normally leave them for the church / congregation to enjoy

But why? This is baffling to me. Why does the OP need to gift the church £900 of flowers that will be enjoyed by a few people the next day, rather than use them for her reception and then gift on as she sees fit afterwards (family, friends, hospice etc)

The OP has paid the church over £800 for its use already, hardly a small amount (FYI it cost me £280 to get married in a registry office last year).

I get the feeling some poster here got married in very different times

daisychain01 · 29/08/2022 11:46

Why the hell should or would she leave them behind? She has paid for them, to her specification for her wedding

.... because it's a nice gesture to the church to let the congregation at services in the coming week or two after the wedding enjoy the arrangement for longer.

it doesn't have to be 100% about the money, who pays for what, sometimes things are nice to do, to benefit the local community attending the church, especially as the church has special meaning to the OP and their family.

Original poster

confuseddoesntcutit · 29/08/2022 11:46

No I've not had the wedding yet.
My MIL to be is paying for the flowers for us. They're costing a lot of money. We fly on our honeymoon the following day and so she was going to take them home after the reception to enjoy.

I've been told by my family member this morning that you leave them in the church.

OP posts:

Apartridgeinachestnuttree · 29/08/2022 11:48

We are members of the church we married in.

Our florist collected the flower arrangements from the church and took them to the reception venue for us, then a family member collected two arrangements and took them back to the church in time for the service the next morning.

It worked brilliantly and logistically for us but that may not suit everyone.

It’s tradition in our church for the flowers to be left to decorate the building for the next week or two.

MrsAvocet · 29/08/2022 11:48

I went to Church every week as a child and it was always obvious if there had been a wedding the day before as the flowers were fancier than the normal ones so I always assumed it was the norm to leave them.
When we got married we paid for the flowers but the ladies who normally arrange for the Church arranged them and it never even occurred to me to take them away.
It may be different elsewhere however so I'd just ask.

category12 · 29/08/2022 11:48

confuseddoesntcutit · 29/08/2022 11:46

I've been told by my family member this morning that you leave them in the church.

Oh in that case, I'd tell them that and tell them they can speak to your MIL about it then.

inappropriateraspberry · 29/08/2022 11:49

Many people take the flowers to the reception and are then given out to people to take home! You've paid for them and can do what you like with them. It's different if the church has done the flowers, obviously.
Perhaps leave an arrangement by the altar, as a compromise?
You pay the church to get married, so why should they expect free flowers as well?

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