Should you leave flowers in the church after wedding ceremony!

[confuseddoesntcutit]

Hi all,

So I'm getting married In 2 weeks, got the florist organised and al bouquets paid for.

We have asked for x1 pedestal arrangement and 8x little posy-jar arrangements to decorate the church. These, along with some buttonholes, bridesmaids posy's and my bridal bouquet have come to almost £900.

We had arranged for the florist to aid in moving the arrangements from the church to our reception venue after the ceremony, so we can continue to enjoy them.

I had a message from a family member today to say how hurt they are, and how rude and mean it seems to be - to 'swipe' the flowers from the church straight after the ceremony not leaving any behind.

I didn't realise that this was a thing. Maybe I'm in the wrong? Can anybody please explain?

It is an old and potentially outdated tradition.

Why not speak to the church and say you will be using them at the reception but then arrange for them to be dropped back later if that's doable

I would take them. I don't understand the posts saying the church is 'letting you use the venue and facilities' - my local CofE church wanted £1000 "donation" to get married there. I am catholic and couldn't get married in my family church because my husband has been previously married.
If I'd paid £1000 to get married there and then £900 on flowers you can bet I'd be taking them with me!

We left them and had different flowers at the reception - I think the logistics would have been too tricky anyway, as the reception venue needed to be ready before the ceremony. But I can see the thinking as they are very expensive.

If you'd like to talk about my posts the decent thing to do is actually tag me.

@UWhatNow also I didn't get married in a church because I'm no longer a practicing Christian but that's a story for another day, which is also none of your business. You sound like a wonderful Christian though. Lovely Christian valises you have.

Honestly the church wants attract a younger congregation. But as you can see from the nasty posts on here, from supposed Christians, berating anyone having a differing opinion about how the church needs to modernise, there is a long way to go. Really feel the love and tolerance from the Christian community posting on this thread.

I hope you do take your flowers OP and don't feel bullied by the women posting here!

It’s very different in the past if some older church members did the flowers for the church at a reduced rate but in 2022 when you hire in a florist who has nothing to do with the church and pay a fee to the church and usually a backhander to the priest then there is nothing wrong with taking them. It would be wasteful to do two entirely separate lots of flowers.
I would say it is actually common to take them these days.
I didn’t get married in a church but everyone I know has repurposed their ceremony flowers for the reception.

It takes hours to arrange the flowers in a church. In our church if a bride wants to use that week's flowers free of cost, that's fine. If she chooses to remove them and have her own arrangements instated instead that's also fine. But if she then takes them away that means there's no flowers in the church. She has removed the ones already there, and also removed the ones she replaced them with.

That's not really fair, @NovasNest . Many, many Christians on this thread have suggested OP could check with the vicar if she wants, or take the flowers as planned, or many other positive comments.

One or two have expressed concern about some of the somewhat unsympathetic posts that don't recognise that a church is slightly different from other wedding venues. It's ok to point that out, as I know most people don't know anything about how churches run in between events.

Flowers arranged by church members and using their containers etc - leave them.

Flowers provided and arranged by florist using their containers - take to reception, and then for MIL to enjoy.

Ignore relative.

"If you'd like to talk about my posts the decent thing to do is actually tag me."

That's a MN tradition you've misunderstood. It's considered bad form to tag by many on here because they got fed up with the constant notifications.

And I don't agree there has been bullying by Christians on this thread. They're reacting to some of the unpleasant posts about "Eleanor Rigby" and "elderly ladies" who do the flowers, among others. It may amaze you to learn that many congregations do have young people in them: some are even on the flower rota.

As many of us have already said: if Op checks with her church and comes to an agreement regarding the flowers, I'm sure no-one will mind.
There is a tradition of leaving them for all the reasons set out earlier in the thread, but I don't think there's issue with taking them if everyone knows what's happening and is happy with it.

And contrary to what the poster earlier this morning might think, there are no backhanders paid to the priest, at least not in the C of E. As a treasurer, I'm happy to explain the fee structure if you like.

@choirmumoftwo thank you for offering to clarify that for people. I winced at the "back hander to the priest" comment too as at best it indicates ignorance of how churches are structured and at worst is rude or disrespectful.

@Philandbill wince all you like. In our local churches you absolutely pay a set fee and give a ‘voluntary’ envelope of cash to the priest at the end of the service. It is entirely expected though and not all that voluntary in reality.
The same goes at funerals and christenings.
You do not speak for every church, not all of course but it is the done thing in many.

The previous poster used the phrase "back hander" which has strong associations with money going into back pockets, very distasteful. And voluntary means voluntary, are people honestly being forced to give? It is a choice, totally up to them if they give or not. In our church, pre COVID, a collection plate was passed as usual at baptism services as it was for every service. It was always sent with a comment from our pastor that the plate was "for the home team" and that there was no obligation for visitors to give. Regular church congregations give because they recognise that buildings cost money to maintain and that the church provides support to the local community. People pay via their taxes for the up keep of registry offices so no plate is ever passed there ...

I don't understand the posts saying the church is 'letting you use the venue and facilities

Me neither, I didn't have a church wedding but assumed you have to pay to hire it for the wedding. So why would you donate £900 worth of flowers as well?

OP it's fine to take them. You've paid a lot for them.

I’m not even talking about a collection plate, I’m talking about several hundred pounds that goes directly to the priest on top of the official fee paid to hold the event, be it a wedding, funeral etc, in the church.

I would be reporting to the diocese any church behaving in the way described. Fees for weddings and funerals are set annually by the C of E nationally and are currently £480 for a wedding and £236 for a funeral (with a church service). Churches can and do add additional fees to this, perhaps for flowers, heating, organist etc, but these elements should be optional (most people do pay for them).
In the vast majority of cases where priests are stipendiary (salaried), they receive none of these fees for themselves. It is shared between the church and the diocese.
It is not allowed to charge for a baptism service. Donations/collections at all of these life events are of course welcomed and perhaps encouraged more in some churches than others.
As an aside, parish churches receive absolutely no money from central funds, and actually pay the diocese each year according to a formula (size of parish, number of attenders, deprivation levels etc). Our income is from giving, fees as above, fundraising. I'm currently having sleepless nights over how we pay our utilities from October.

I've been on MN long enough to know about etiquette thank you. It's also considered bad form to use someone's quote out of context, talk about said poster and use it to make disparaging comments about them.

There has been plenty of derogatory comments on this thread from Christians. I didn't say all of them were. There has been lots of very nice comments to.

And I didn't say there was no young people in the church. I am not the only poster to note on this subject. There are plenty in my local diocese, but there aren't enough and they are continuing to be pushed away by traditionalists.

@choirmumoftwo same here - my DDad is church treasurer - they’re having kittens about how they’ll pay the heating bill and next year’s parish share. The diocese are already pushing them to become a benefice.

When I got married Church of Scotland the minister was very clear on what we needed, flowers to be left, either arrangements or using their vases, envelopes for the organist, and church officer, and suggestion of what should be in them, and a 'donation' to the church.

The donation to the church was the one that had us scratching our heads, don't want to go OTT nor be classed as a stingy bugger.

It is interesting that the CoE has set fees they charge which would take the headache out the donation.

Well expensive flowers are hardly going to help pay the heating bill, are they?

Assuming they don't plan to incinerate the flowers.

You get about four hours of vicar, admin support, as well as the use of the building for at least four hours- rehearsal, access for planning and decorating, before and after the ceremony, photos

Lucky parishioners; at my local place it's 1hr 45mins - grudgingly increased from 1hr 30mins this year - with the door opened 45 mins before the service and slammed shut an hour after it starts. Any additional hour or part thereof, be it for rehearsals, flower placing or whatever, is an additional £200

Apparently this was done because the vicar hoped to pack in 3 weddings a day, but unsurprisingly he's found himself with hardly any

I didn't mean 4 hours on the day.
The vicar time comes ahead of the day, with meeting the couple, helping them with the service, any counselling they may need, and the rehearsal.

They do need firm slots for summer Saturdays- you'd be upset to arrive for your wedding and the previous one still be underway.

Prettier churches can be a bit overwhelmed with weddings. It's been quiet in my neck of the woods, apart from some Covid catch ups, but a pretty church in my area used to often be fully booked on summer Saturdays.

Maybe compromise and take them to church for the following day, after you have decorated your reception, and no longer need them?