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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should you leave flowers in the church after wedding ceremony!

340 replies

confuseddoesntcutit · 29/08/2022 10:41

Hi all,

So I'm getting married In 2 weeks, got the florist organised and al bouquets paid for.

We have asked for x1 pedestal arrangement and 8x little posy-jar arrangements to decorate the church. These, along with some buttonholes, bridesmaids posy's and my bridal bouquet have come to almost £900.

We had arranged for the florist to aid in moving the arrangements from the church to our reception venue after the ceremony, so we can continue to enjoy them.

I had a message from a family member today to say how hurt they are, and how rude and mean it seems to be - to 'swipe' the flowers from the church straight after the ceremony not leaving any behind.

I didn't realise that this was a thing. Maybe I'm in the wrong? Can anybody please explain?

OP posts:
midlifecrash · 29/08/2022 10:58

Hurt?

kimchifox · 29/08/2022 10:58

Less flowers at the church and take some to the reception venue - split your order.

Mardyface · 29/08/2022 10:58

I would ask the church, because it may be that they'll be cross with you for having to take them all down and dispose of them! I do think the relative didn't have to call you mean etc and could have said 'just to let you know it's convention to leave the flowers' instead.

Reallybadidea · 29/08/2022 10:59

I think taking them back to the church after the reception is a perfectly reasonable compromise

Hottytotty · 29/08/2022 10:59

I’d just ask your contact at the church what they are expecting - as PPs have said different churches have different expectations. In ours we’d be perfectly happy if you took the jars and left the pedestal for eg!

DappledThings · 29/08/2022 11:01

We left ours as knew it was the done thing. The one big pedestal one would have looked massive and out of place at the reception anyway.

We had table ones for the reception that were set up there.

We had the church's flower lady do our church ones. Would have been rude to bring in external ones.

JennyMule · 29/08/2022 11:02

Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage OP! It's very traditional to leave flowers but entirely reasonable when you have organised your own florist (and met all of the cost) to want to take them to your reception. At the church I attend we're thrilled to be part of a couple's marriage and wouldn't give a hoot whether they leave them or do what you plan to do. If it helps defuse a troublesome relative I'd just suggest informing the appropriate person (head honcho of the flower rota/verger or whoever) that you will be removing your flowers so that, if they want to replace in time for the Sunday services, they can. Btw no-one goes to a regular Sunday service for the flowers so I doubt anyone will notice or worry about it.

IStandWithMaya · 29/08/2022 11:03

It's normal to leave them

choirmumoftwo · 29/08/2022 11:03

I'm a church treasurer. We charge a set amount for flowers for a wedding which we supply and arrange. The expectation is that these are left behind (they are in our vases etc anyway). If the couple have their own florist to provide extra flowers, they are of course theirs to take away.
Incidentally, I'm curious as to how a pp used the church free of charge!

wellobviouslyyoucan · 29/08/2022 11:04

Take them to the reception. Arrange for someone to then take them back to the church the next day!

ShadowPuppets · 29/08/2022 11:04

Yes, we left our flowers as is expected/traditional. However we hadn’t paid much for them and they were done by the church ladies who usually organised them - we didn’t go through our florist, who did my bouquet and the reception venue flowers.

drivinmecrazy · 29/08/2022 11:04

Don't know about churches as we got married many moons ago at a venue.

We took all the floral arrangements the next day to our local hospice, I remember one member of staff crying as we delivered them.
It felt like a perfect gesture as the flowers were vibrant and full of colour.

It's actually one of my favourite memories from our wedding.

wellobviouslyyoucan · 29/08/2022 11:06

Following on from my last post ....

Only take them back to the church the next day if you want to.

Otherwise give the flowers to parents or close friends!

They are yours to do with as you wish!

Mumsnut · 29/08/2022 11:07

There were several weddings over the same weekend when I got married; the vicar encouraged us all to get together and agree on flower colours and use the church florist, which was outstandingly sensible.

WeAreTheHeroes · 29/08/2022 11:09

If the florist is providing the pedestals they will want to recover them as soon as possible after your wedding. Moving them to your reception venue is completely normal. The pedestals don't belong to the church and you will have paid for the flowers. I very much doubt the church will mind or be offended, otherwise someone has to be around when the pedestals are collected at a later date, etc.

There is no blanket norm and your relative shouldn't have said anything to you about it. As a pp has said, don't share the details with people or you invite comments, etc.

Bbq1 · 29/08/2022 11:09

confuseddoesntcutit · 29/08/2022 10:47

The church is very special to us it's got a lot of family history as well as having had many the celebration, but also sad memories with funerals..
i feel very guilty now. I think most of this is actually my ignorance as I had no idea the done thing was to leave the flowers!

I've never heard of anyone taking the flowers from the church. My church is special to us and I left mine as they decorate the church and the congregation enjoy them for a while. It's traditional to leave them.

Topseyt123 · 29/08/2022 11:10

Floralnomad · 29/08/2022 10:53

I got married over 30 yrs ago and the flowers for the church were left in the church , we had different arrangements done for the reception venue . It was very much expected that the flowers stayed at the church in those days

Same for us.

In fact, I think the church had arranged the flowers which were decorating it that day, as there was to be more than one wedding there and they would all use the same ones. It wouldn't have been practical at all to change them in-between each service. So yes, I would say that you leave them.

I don't see why your relative is actually "hurt" though. That seems like a ridiculous overreaction.

Our florist did my bridal bouquet, buttonholes for anyone who needed it and the reception venue. Not the church.

Why don't you control the cost by having the church's own flower arranging team to decorate it for your wedding? Just have your own florist provide your bouquet, buttonholes and some decorations for the reception venue.

Chikapu · 29/08/2022 11:10

How is it hurtful, rude or mean to take flowers that you've paid a lot of money for to your reception? They belong to you, not the church.

Underscore21 · 29/08/2022 11:10

"Hurt, rude and mean" are very extreme words to use in this context.
I'm not sure who the relative is but sounds like they need to mind their own business unless they're footing the bill. How do they even know the level of detail about what's happening to the flowers afterwards? If you're paying for everything, you need to share less information going forward.
As to your actual question, I'd leave the altar flowers but if the others are suitable for table decorations at your venue, I'd take them.

UWhatNow · 29/08/2022 11:12

“You shouldn’t feel bad for moving stuff you bought though. The church being greedy about someone else’s purchase is not very Christian eh.”

Its not the church ‘being greedy’ - it was a relative who made the comment. Plus churches make very little money on weddings unlike the rest of the wedding industry that coin it in big time.

The regular congregation (I suspect op is not part of that) pay their tithes all year round which in part goes to upkeep these lovely churches for folks to get married in. It’s a nice touch for people leave the flowers for the congregation to enjoy as a token of appreciation for that at the very least.

Chikapu · 29/08/2022 11:12

Why don't you control the cost by having the church's own flower arranging team to decorate it for your wedding? Just have your own florist provide your bouquet, buttonholes and some decorations for the reception venue

She's already paid for them and presumably, the florist has ordered in the stock.

MrTumbleForPM · 29/08/2022 11:13

Hello, I’m married to a vicar, in my experience flowers are often left in the church. There are generally flowers put on the altar in church vases on Sunday services, so maybe you could arrange some similar colours to be put in the vases on the altar and then you can take the pedestal with you?
tbh, it probably best to give the vicar a ring as he will know what to do for the best.
Sometimes they don’t want the pedestals to stay if there isn’t the room for them.
hope that helps.

scissorsandsellotape · 29/08/2022 11:14

midlifecrash · 29/08/2022 10:58

Hurt?

Offended I guess

DoraSpenlow · 29/08/2022 11:15

HappydaysArehere · 29/08/2022 10:48

We took my bouquet but the flowers decorating the church were left. It’s a kind of thank you for the church. What are you going to do with them if you take them?

From the OP -

We had arranged for the florist to aid in moving the arrangements from the church to our reception venue after the ceremony, so we can continue to enjoy them.

Bbq1 · 29/08/2022 11:15

Chikapu · 29/08/2022 11:10

How is it hurtful, rude or mean to take flowers that you've paid a lot of money for to your reception? They belong to you, not the church.

Well you have just used the church building and facilities...

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