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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should you leave flowers in the church after wedding ceremony!

340 replies

confuseddoesntcutit · 29/08/2022 10:41

Hi all,

So I'm getting married In 2 weeks, got the florist organised and al bouquets paid for.

We have asked for x1 pedestal arrangement and 8x little posy-jar arrangements to decorate the church. These, along with some buttonholes, bridesmaids posy's and my bridal bouquet have come to almost £900.

We had arranged for the florist to aid in moving the arrangements from the church to our reception venue after the ceremony, so we can continue to enjoy them.

I had a message from a family member today to say how hurt they are, and how rude and mean it seems to be - to 'swipe' the flowers from the church straight after the ceremony not leaving any behind.

I didn't realise that this was a thing. Maybe I'm in the wrong? Can anybody please explain?

OP posts:
Yourmum46372 · 29/08/2022 20:31

personally, I would take them with me and then arrange for someone to take them back. I think your relative needs to butt out

RoseGardenSummer · 29/08/2022 20:32

Your relative is being ridiculous and obviously doesn't have much of importance going on in her life if she is getting upset by another person's flower arrangements!

In these times of financial constraint it seems to be quite reasonable to take your flowers to the reception and make the most of your large outlay.

NovasNest · 29/08/2022 20:47

LuftBalloons · 29/08/2022 20:24

the church needs to move out of the dark ages and remember not everyone getting married there is a Christian or remotely interested in 'church etiquette' or tradition

There are many other places in which people can choose to be married now. I would suggest @NovasNest that if a couple is not remotely interested in 'church etiquette' or tradition then they choose to be married elsewhere.

They can choose to marry elsewhere of course, just a church can refuse to marry a couple for certain reasons. Not all churches do stipulate leaving flowers though and obviously not the one the OP is marrying in. Weddings also bring in money for a parish, regardless of how much, and the church decided to relax their morals on non church goers marrying in church for several decades now. Therefore they are well aware that not everyone marrying in church is a Christian and has any interest in church tradition. They can't be acting pious when they choose to, just for some free flowers.

NovasNest · 29/08/2022 20:51

There's plenty of Christian/church/religious traditions people are more than happy to ignore. I image most posters on her reprimanding the OP for daring to consider not leave flowers, must all be devoutly Christian then? I hope you all give to your collection boxes every week and attend regular Sunday worship.

Lancrelady80 · 29/08/2022 20:56

OP, we did exactly the same as you. Don't feel bad.

I think we may have left one big pedestal, but the flowers at the end of pews and on windows went to decorate our reception. Another big pedestal was donated to the care home in the village to brighten things up for the elderly residents.

Zippea · 29/08/2022 21:11

We removed ours as the Church asked us to (we married in Lent) but it’s usual to leave floral arrangements outside of Lenten time

GooglyEyeballs · 29/08/2022 21:14

We left our flowers at the church and had different flowers at our reception. I thought that was the done thing!

Meltingsocks · 29/08/2022 21:26

Eh? The Church of England is the tenth biggest land hoarder in the UK and can afford it's own flowers! Don't be guilt tripped by ppl who underestimate the church's resources.

Take em

VestaTilley · 29/08/2022 21:27

The state of some of these entitled, ignorant replies. Churches are places of Christian worship, not venues you hire, places you conduct business dealings with, or profit making orgs trying to fleece brides and grooms.

Most CofE churches are going bust for lack of regular congregants - parishes are being merged in to benefices, lots of priests are being made redundant, churches are closing. My own diocese is nearly bankrupt. Each church pays all its money received up to the diocese (known as the parish share), which in turn pays priests and other amounts upwards. My own parents church has just had to tell their diocese that they can’t afford to pay their parish share next year.

It costs hundreds per day just to keep the lights and heating on in most churches. The writing is on the wall for Christian worship, and our ancient churches, across our country. When they’re all shut, and sold off, and converted in to housing will you all care? Or will you just find somewhere else for your photogenic backdrop?

The individualistic, money grabbing attitude on this thread by some posters towards a church they clearly have - no - understanding of speaks volumes about the values (or lack of) in our society today. I don’t aim these comments at the OP, but the many ignorant posters above.

I agree with @Tanith @picklemewalnuts @UWhatNow

As I said earlier- talk to the vicar. I’d leave the altar flowers and pedestal arrangement behind.

To the rest of you - these churches will be gone in thirty years. But I doubt you’ll know or care.

picklemewalnuts · 29/08/2022 21:38

@Meltingsocks have you looked into church finances? Or are you just going from what people say? The CofE does own a lot of land and investments. It uses them to pay pensions, stipends, provide accommodation for vicars etc.
It owns a lot of really expensive to maintain buildings- more of a liability than an asset.
It has very specific, public, finance arrangements and commitments.

As far as individual churches go, they have no access to the central 'pot' of money. The lights are kept on and the lawn kept trimmed by the congregation.

We're trying to work out how to run this winter. We have the same heating issues as everyone else, but no cap. We probably won't be able to meet in church through the winter. The children's work should be ok- baby groups and kid's clubs- as they are very well used so can probably cover the cost of the heating. Probably. If not, we'll have to close them on cold days.

peasandcarrrotts · 29/08/2022 21:40

VestaTilley · 29/08/2022 20:21

You’re in the wrong I’m afraid - good etiquette is to leave the flowers behind in church for decoration in that week’s services.

It’s the height of bad taste to take them all away. You pay for separate reception flowers.

If you can’t afford it or aren’t sure what to do now ask the vicar and also ask to speak to the flower ladies who usually do the church flowers. They may offer, for a small sum, to do some church flowers in your colours, meaning your original ones can be user straight at the reception. But do ask - they won’t mind, and will be touched that you asked.

But why should the OP pay for the church's weekly flower arrangement?

This is 2022, not the 80s. What was once traditional isn't necessarily the done thing now. Or necessary. Or possible.

If I paid for a substantial amount of flowers for my wedding day I'd want them to decorate the church then the venue afterwards. Then to take home or share with family.

It's one thing if the church has its own florist and they organise everything, you can't and shouldn't whip them away, but if you have sourced your own florist and paid for the flowers yourself I honestly can't see why they should be left at the church.

I would just mention to the vicar that the florist/someone will organise collecting the flowers to decorate the venue after the service and leave it at that.

picklemewalnuts · 29/08/2022 21:40

Sorry, that's not feel to the flowers thread! I got distracted by the usual comments about the church having lots of money.

Ask to see the accounts if you are interested!

Gingersay · 29/08/2022 21:47

My family own a few flower shops and when I was younger my Saturday job was to do the wedding run to move the flowers. My mum does it herself now as she closes early on a Saturday. The local churches definitely don't mind as a few of them have given her keys to let herself in and out.

LaLaLouella · 29/08/2022 22:10

I will not care if churches close because they don't have a congregation and all the huge amount of power, land and wealth the CoE has accumulated is kept in the centre in a desperate attempt to hold onto its unproportionate political power rather than spending it on maintaining its assets and providing for its believers.

There are plenty of other places to get married where people won't be offended and gossip if you choose to take flowers, that you've paid for, home with you.

And - I find it staggering that apparently these large, important church buildings need a few flowers to stop them looking 'bare'. Maybe look at all the carvings, tapestries, statues that seem to be all over the churches near me...

LBFseBrom · 29/08/2022 22:28

Of course you don't take them from the church. Just imagine someone going around picking them up. Your choice to spend £900, most people buy the flowers, do them themselves or there is a church member who always decorates the church.

DoraSpenlow · 29/08/2022 22:33

Lcb123 · 29/08/2022 20:07

I think they should be left really-unless you are relying on them to decorate your reception (which doesn’t sound like you are). P.s. it may be too late but that seems incredibly expensive for flowers. Mine was total £350 for 5 bouquets, 10 table vases, cake flowers and buttonholes

From the OP -

We had arranged for the florist to aid in moving the arrangements from the church to our reception venue after the ceremony, so we can continue to enjoy them.

stevalnamechanger · 29/08/2022 22:56

Take them to the venue ! You paid for them

Tanith · 29/08/2022 23:12

"I will not care if churches close because they don't have a congregation and all the huge amount of power, land and wealth the CoE has accumulated is kept in the centre in a desperate attempt to hold onto its unproportionate political power rather than spending it on maintaining its assets and providing for its believers."

You might not care, but the people who use our toddler groups, drop in cafes, foodbanks, clothing banks, libraries, counselling services, debt advice services, youth clubs, hospital visits, dinner clubs etc. certainly will.
During this time, when the Government has cut so many support services, the Church is providing vital support to many who need it.

UWhatNow · 29/08/2022 23:14

Well said @VestaTilley - lots of really awful posts here. Makes me sad that people want to use and abuse the local church so selfishly without any consideration for the people who worship there and pay for it. What a way to start married life - speaking liturgy and vows that you don’t actually believe in and don’t care…

VestaTilley · 29/08/2022 23:25

@Tanith @UWhatNow agree- very much!

@LaLaLouella it’s churches up and down the land keeping people fed, running credit unions, organising parent and toddler groups, providing a centre for the lonely in lieu of slashed community services, taking collections for Ukraine, helping the homeless, you name it. But sure, believe all the negative hype.

The Church of England is doing a good job standing up to this woeful government, while defending the poor and needy. And they’re doing it at a local level on a shoe string. But all anyone sees is the pretty “venue” for their wedding pictures. Vile.

peasandcarrrotttss · 29/08/2022 23:26

UWhatNow · 29/08/2022 23:14

Well said @VestaTilley - lots of really awful posts here. Makes me sad that people want to use and abuse the local church so selfishly without any consideration for the people who worship there and pay for it. What a way to start married life - speaking liturgy and vows that you don’t actually believe in and don’t care…

How is taking taking flowers that you paid for yourself, for your wedding day, to the next part of your wedding, using and abusing the church?

UWhatNow · 29/08/2022 23:27

“NovasNest
It's 2022 now and the church needs to move out of the dark ages and remember not everyone getting married there is a Christian or remotely interested in 'church etiquette' or tradition.”

What a stunningly ignorant and disrespectful post 🙄

Meltingsocks · 29/08/2022 23:28

@picklemewalnuts

Well, on the upside the Church of England's two largest investments are in Shell and BP, so perhaps they can negotiate a discount on those heating bills?

sunflowerdaisyrose · 29/08/2022 23:33

The church volunteers did ours for next to nothing (we provided the flowers) so left the pedestal as it was their pedestal and they helped us out. At my sister's the pedestals were left, but she had more flowers for the church that were hand tied and were taken as table centres, it was discussed with the church and it seemed to be fine with everyone.

UWhatNow · 29/08/2022 23:33

“How is taking taking flowers that you paid for yourself, for your wedding day, to the next part of your wedding, using and abusing the church?”

Its more the arrogant tone of posts who assume they can do what they like because they’ve ‘paid for it’ - they have no respect for the fact that churches aren’t run as corporate wedding venues - they are places of worship and the wedding is an act of worship amidst the community of the church.

See the entitlement in NovasNest’s post - I can’t imagine what his or her church wedding was like with a hateful attitude like that… how did they say the liturgy with such distain for the Christian church as they expressed in that post? They obviously just stood and lied their way through it. Nice 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻