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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend bought me a £12 necklace for my 30th birthday

356 replies

Fairylights246 · 28/08/2022 00:49

I've been with my boyfriend for only 9 months, so not a long time I know. But I feel disappointed and sad by the lack of effort my boyfriend has shown for my birthday.

He got me a random joke card that had no relevance to us, and seemed like something he already had lying around. He got me a necklace that literally broke after 10 minutes of wearing it, it looked really cheap, and he told me it was from amazon...I found it and it was £12. Like what?? I don't understand why he has been so cheap?! He is very caring and affectionate, tells me everyday he loves me, but this has just felt so disappointing. We went out for a birthday meal and he suggested we pay half each.

He is not struggling financially, he has thousands in his savings, and often treats himself to new clothes, other expenses ect.

I don't know what to say to him, I don't want to upset him, but I don't feel very special and I feel crappy about the lack of effort, romance, and just general desire to make a fuss of me on my 30th x

OP posts:
Livpool · 28/08/2022 14:31

Asking for half when it was your birthday meal is much worse than the necklace IMO.

Tightness is so unattractive

Pipsquiggle · 28/08/2022 16:39

@RoundandRound123 OPs BF is not a puppy for crying out loud. He's a grown human being with agency.

I mean FFS, positive reinforcement for a thoughtless tight miser will only get you so far

scoobydoo1971 · 28/08/2022 17:27

I am in a fortunate financial position of not needing help from anyone. However, if I had faced the life-changing accident I had in lockdown forcing me to go on long-term sick leave on an average income, then I would have expected a partner to more than pay his way. I don't think that is unreasonable if you have been with someone for a long time. I was on extended maternity leave years ago due to post-natal serious complications requiring extensive treatment, and the children's father did not expect me to pay half during that time. That is not expecting a partner to pay everytime you go out for a date or holiday, but recognising that there are some times in life when unexpected stuff happens and the other party needs to contribute more. It is just natural that people who are in serious relationships go with whatever life throws their way. But anyone stuck with a miser is going to find troubling times even more troubling if they discover they are expected to pay half in each and every circumstance. Not the sort of person I would keep around.

I8toys · 28/08/2022 17:55

The meal thing is worse than the rubbish card/gift.

Moonlightandmusic2222 · 28/08/2022 18:13

Pipsquiggle · 28/08/2022 16:39

@RoundandRound123 OPs BF is not a puppy for crying out loud. He's a grown human being with agency.

I mean FFS, positive reinforcement for a thoughtless tight miser will only get you so far

@Pipsquiggle I find what you say very rude, OP asked for advice, a lot of people are telling her just to leave him even though she appears to love him. If you don’t like my advice, offer some other tips you think are useful. My advice means if she doesn’t want to leave him she has a way of getting the sort of relationship she appears to want. What’s wrong with that? It’s not like he doesn’t want to make her happy, he clearly does if the rest of her description is accurate, the mistake people make is that they guilt, shame and complain about the things they don’t want instead of appreciating and rewarding the things they do want. It’s a far more respectful dynamic than just being angry or sad when he doesn’t give her what she wants, miserable existence if you ask me. If you want something figure out a way to ask for it the right way and make it a joy for people to give it to you. It works, and it works with misers too - as you describe them.

JimJamJollyWolly · 28/08/2022 19:01

The vast majority of "advice" on this thread is just dreadful.

Pipsquiggle · 28/08/2022 19:03

@Moonlightandmusic2222 you can find it as rude as you like, I don't think it was and the poster was suggesting OP to treat her BF like a puppy - which is ridiculous

OP has not asked for advice. She asked if she was BU to feel let down by her BF's lacklustre effort for her milestone birthday. She clearly isn't being unreasonable.

I did have a suggestion for OP which you can find in my previous post.

Thetractorjustmoved · 28/08/2022 19:10

This is so bleak! 9 months in and on your 30th, you deserve to be whisked away to paris, or at least Brighton etc etc.
Why oh why are people so tight like this? It's such an unattractive quality. If he's struggling with money (he's not) then he should upfront it and do something special. Don't make a person pay half on their birthday!

Original poster
Fairylights246 · 28/08/2022 19:16

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for all the responses. I'm sorry it took a long time to reply. We had a conversation today.

I told him I felt disappointed as I was expecting more thought/effort just in general, but also with it being my 30th and a "big" birthday. I said I felt that he didn't care, that I didn't feel my birthday was important. I said it isn't about presents, but the thought or romance and feeling cared for, and your partner wanting to make you feel special.

He said that he had actually been trying to plan a surprise dinner with my friends, but one day when I mentioned about not liking surprises, he felt worried I wouldn't like it, so he cancelled that plan. I said that sounded lovely, but I understood if he wasn't sure if I liked that, but I would have felt loved with some flowers, just breakfast in bed, something just with a bit of romance or something.

He just seemed a bit oblivious. He said he wanted to get me flowers, but he didn't know how to do it when I was staying at his?

He then said he wanted to go to the shop...he came back with some flowers, chocolate and said he will cook dinner for me tonight. So he did seem apologetic and like he wanted to make up for it.

What does everyone think?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 28/08/2022 19:20

The fact he's listened and tried to make amends with a bit of effort is definitely a positive sign

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2022 19:22

He just seemed a bit oblivious. He said he wanted to get me flowers, but he didn't know how to do it when I was staying at his?

Nah, I'm not buying that bullshit at all. How did he try to explain having you pay for your own birthday dinner? I'd love to hear the excuse for that.

SquishyGloopyBum · 28/08/2022 19:29

He's speaking bollocks. I bet there never was any surprise party.

And how does he explain going halves on your birthday meal or the cheap tat necklace?

Plus who doesn't know how to buy flowers etc?

Pipsquiggle · 28/08/2022 19:41

Sounds like he has listened to what you said and took it on board.

It might be that he's just crap at thinking up stuff which can be easily rectified. You need to blatantly drop hints or outright tell him what you would like. Some people just aren't great at thinking up surprises, if this relationship goes the distance, this is where your best friends can help guide him.

Pipsquiggle · 28/08/2022 19:43

Yes - you paying for half your birthday does need an explanation from him

Pipsquiggle · 28/08/2022 19:43

*birthday meal

Original poster
Fairylights246 · 28/08/2022 20:12

The dinner, he said that he just didn't realise or think about it...he just seemed a bit oblivious to everything. He said sorry and did seem regretful and upset he had disappointed me. I didn't bring up the necklace as I just felt bad complaining about that :(

For those asking about his birthday, his birthday was when we had only been dating a few weeks, and he was celebrating in another country. I got him a card but that was it as it was very early!

OP posts:
Thetractorjustmoved · 28/08/2022 20:16

Is he quite young OP? Or not had many girlfriends in the past?
My (now) husband was 23 when we met and he definitely was a bit like that then. He'd never had a serious girlfriend and grew up in a family of boys and just seemed unaware of (what seemed to me) basic manners and how to treat someone you cared for.
He's nothing like that now, and is the first to buy a round/ treat friends to dinner etc so all's not lost if he's willing to take it on board!

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2022 20:21

The dinner, he said that he just didn't realise or think about it...he just seemed a bit oblivious to everything.

You've been together for nine months, op, and it was your 30th birthday. No one is that oblivious, he just doesn't care. You really think a man who didn't even bother to pay for your birthday dinner was oragnising a surprise party? He said that to cover his arse. He's thoughtless and that isn't changing. You've been warned.

hangrylady · 28/08/2022 20:24

He's a tight arse, get rid. Honestly suggesting yiu pay half on your birthday. Raise your bar now.

Firty · 28/08/2022 20:38

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

It is a bad thing when it makes someone feel unloved. Going dutch for her 30th birthday meal?! After giving her a £12 present that broke instantly?

What a stingy self-centred wanker.

GreenManalishi · 28/08/2022 21:14

My youngest child would instinctively make more of an effort without being told how.

If you're looking for a life with someone so oblivious he can't pull it together to make plans, can't work out how to buy a bunch of flowers, and doesn't realise it's the done thing to shout someone dinner their birthday, then carry on flogging this dead horse.

Prepare to shelve any expectations of thoughtfulness and feel underwhelmed on birthdays Christmas valentine's day and anniversaries, or be prepared to issue step by step instructions as if he's an alien from another planet.

Neither option is going to bring you joy.

JudgeJ · 28/08/2022 21:14

I got a Terry's chocolate orange for my 50th from my late OH! That's not why he's 'late' by the way. He was hopeless at presents.

GreenManalishi · 28/08/2022 21:19

@RoundandRound123 she's looking for an equal partner not training a poodle. I doubt OP has the time and inclination to cajole and persuade a basic level of adulting out of a grown man, she shouldn't have to set herelf up as Man School, let someone else try and polish him up to a basic level.

PreColumbian · 28/08/2022 21:28

He’s tight. Only go on with the relationship if you’re going to be happy with that. Don’t expect him to change.

ChrisTrepidation · 28/08/2022 21:41

I call bullshit on his explanation.

A mam who is that 'oblivious' he let you pay half of your birthday meal was NOT planning a surprise party. He's just said that to cover his back now he knows you're not just letting it slide. Didn't know how to get flowers to you when you were staying with him? There this thing called the Internet they you can order flower deliveries from. He might have heard of it?

I'd be asking your friends about these suprise party plans. I imagine their responses will be interesting.

He's only running out to cook and buy flowers because you've called him out on his selfishness. Selfish men often play the oblivious card to get themselves out of jail. Stay with this man and you'll have a relationship full of "I just didn't realise" (with a sad, shocked face) moments.