Boyfriend bought me a £12 necklace for my 30th birthday

[Fairylights246]

I've been with my boyfriend for only 9 months, so not a long time I know. But I feel disappointed and sad by the lack of effort my boyfriend has shown for my birthday.

He got me a random joke card that had no relevance to us, and seemed like something he already had lying around. He got me a necklace that literally broke after 10 minutes of wearing it, it looked really cheap, and he told me it was from amazon...I found it and it was £12. Like what?? I don't understand why he has been so cheap?! He is very caring and affectionate, tells me everyday he loves me, but this has just felt so disappointing. We went out for a birthday meal and he suggested we pay half each.

He is not struggling financially, he has thousands in his savings, and often treats himself to new clothes, other expenses ect.

I don't know what to say to him, I don't want to upset him, but I don't feel very special and I feel crappy about the lack of effort, romance, and just general desire to make a fuss of me on my 30th x

This. If he's like this during the honeymoon period, god knows how he'll be in another year.

Mean and self centred.

It was your 30th birthday and he suggested going halves on the meal out? 🤦🏻‍♀️

At 9 months in, men are usually still trying hard to impress you. Saying ‘I love you’ daily means nothing if it’s not backed up with caring deeds. If he can’t be bothered to make an effort now, it’s definitely downhill from here on. Don’t waste your (child bearing) thirties on this cheapskate, bin him off and look for someone who values you.

Have you through his birthday yet together ? If so what sort of gift and what did you do ?

How do you know what's in his savings?

What did he say/do when the necklace broke? What is he like with money generally? How does he treat you generally?

I'd have thought it would be best just to calmly explain to him you felt a bit hurt by the lack of effort, were excited about your birthday and felt he wasn't and that put a dampenedr on it for you. The conversation is surely a lot easier than 'dumping' someone you like after investing 9 months of time because they didn't deliver on this occasion. How he responds going forward may well be different - and if it isn't then by all means end it then.

People are different with money. I was reading about a smug couple talking about how they went without any holidays, meals out etc so they could pay off their mortgage early. They seemed to think we all aspire to this. Sounds utterly miserable to me. I love that I get proper treats for my birthday - usually weekends away of full holidays for big birthdays. I’d be disappointed with the token gift and paying for my own dinner. Not the life I’d want.

So many good posts on here. He sounds like a thoughtless, tight miser.

It's not about the money but the lack of effort. In fact it would have been better to get no present and put the effort into organising a lovely picnic or home cooked meal.

You need to tell him how you feel and see how he reacts, that will tell you if he's worth it or not.

We went out for a birthday meal and he suggested we pay half each.………..He is not struggling financially, he has thousands in his savings, and often treats himself to new clothes, other expenses

Before you mentioned the above in your OP, I thought that perhaps the poor bloke was a bit skint. However, this is significant. I am afraid that he doesnt see you as ‘worth it’. Throw this one back, OP.

He's tight and thoughtless. I hate to think what Christmas will look like.

Any 'boyfriend' that wants to go halves on a birthday meal needs throwing back

He's not cautious, he's mean.

You can buy something really thoughtful without spending lots.

And he should have paid for the birthday meal

My experience with partner tight with money because he liked to be not needed to be

every time and I mean every time we went out for dinner, bought anything needed went on holiday he was moaning and penny pinching sucked the joy out of everything. At first I would laugh it was a joke within group of friends but soon it became embarrassing (always nipped to the loo when it was our turn to buy drinks) annoying and upsetting and then just miserable

just thankful I didn’t have children with him

Oh, and you might not want to upset him, but he doesn't care if he upsets you, does he?

Dump dump dump.

He is a tightarse, going halves on your birthday meal

OP you've posted before about this man, you've had issues from the start.

He just isn't the one for you, cut your losses.

That is fucking rank.

@Marvellousmadness

maybe try and up and your standards

they are pitifully low

And we would probably have bought pearl necklace to the woman he actually loves

@Fairylights246 if you want to hold on to him here’s what you should try. First, just forget about the 30th stuff, yes it’s crap and scabby but it’s done now.
Anytime he does anything vaguely generous, even accidentally, make sure you let him know how pleased and happy it makes you - every, single, time. Don’t punish him for getting it wrong (no hurt silences, no vailed complaints, no saying how thoughtless another man is for basically doing what he did).
If you want him to pay for meals make sure you let him make the decisions, say what/where you want if he asks by all means, but otherwise roll with it even if it’s not perfect. He really needs to develop a taste for pleasing you, the only way that will happen is if he feels good every time he’s getting “warmer”- and there’s a good chance he’s starting from a “cold” position so be generous in your enthusiasm. If he offers to pay for anything ever do not pretend you are happy to pay, just give him a big thank you.

Mean men are very annoying and sometimes soul destroying but if you think he really is loves you, he can be trained. It will take discipline and commitment on your part though, the main thing is to not focus on mistakes but instead reinforce anything he gets right. He most likely really wants to make you happy, you need to teach him what that looks like without demanding it, or setting him up to fail by expecting “too much” (it’s not too much but it’s probably too much for him currently)

I think it's unfortunate timing. It's the first birthday this girlfriend has had with him, and coincidentally, it's been a milestone birthday. You haven't had a chance to set expectations for a 'normal' birthday yet. Has he had a birthday whilst you've been together, or is that in the next three months? I.e. do you know how much of a fuss he does or doesn't make about his own birthday?

Stalking his present to put a price tag on it is pretty awful. £12, I would say, is a pretty cheap gift, but maybe that's normal in his family. What would be more interesting would be to compare how much he spends on your birthdays in comparison to, say, a sibling if he has one. And how much he gets, to understand what his expectations are for a celebration.

Going dutch on someone's birthday is not particularly generous either - but do you usually go dutch? Whose idea was the meal out, and who chose the restaurant (and was it more expensive than normal)?

Some people aren't birthday people. Before you chuck him, you need to figure out if he's just not a birthday person, or if he's not a your birthday person. The former is forgivable, and warrants a conversation about aligning your expectations. The latter is just selfish and mean.

Looks like he doesn't think it's worth spending money on you.

He doesn't like you much obviously. Get rid.

@unbreakbroken
Op said it was his idea. I do agree op should think about talking to him first, that is, if he likes him enough to do so. I don’t think it’s awful trying to figure out how much the necklace cost. Perhaps op did that as she was thinking he was a tight wad and wanted to be proved wrong. In any case, I’d do the same.

He's just not that into you.

Words are cheap.

You are cheap to him.

For my 30th birthday, my then boyfriend got me a third hand laptop that I later found out he got for free. He booked a meal out but not at the restaurant I'd told him I really wanted to go to. It was a rather dingy place and the cuisine was not my preferred choice, which he absolutely knew. The reason became clear halfway through, when he abandoned me at the table to meet with his drug dealer. Apparently he was in the neighbourhood that night, hence the choice of restaurant. We went Dutch on the meal. I wish I'd walked away that night.

For my 40th, my DH went above and beyond. He did everything I'd hoped for and it was a very special day filled with love.

My point is...you don't need to be with someone like this OP. Cut your losses, move on and be with someone who will make your next milestone birthday as amazing as you deserve it to be. I did and I've never looked back.

If you'd said he took you for a really special meal, went for cocktails at a nice bar and just had a lovely evening (paid for by him of course) I would have maybe been able to see past the crap present, but nah. He sounds miserable and unromantic.