That partner is fucking selfish?

[stressedandupset22]

I asked him to call me for 5/10 mins of his lunch break at work today just to talk over some things that I need to sort today (just life admin stuff) and could do with his input. I'm at home looking after our toddler all day from 7.30am-9.15pm. I just asked for 5/10 mins.

He sent me an message, so I responded. I had no reply. So half an hour or so later when I know it's roughly his lunch break, I called his office number to see if he was free to talk through the stuff from the messages. He spoke to be briefly but was obvious he couldn't talk, then he said I'll call you later. I said great, when's your lunch break? He replied no not on my lunch break as I'm going to the gym. He gets an hour for his lunch, I'm asking for 5/10 mins. He refused and hung up on me.

He's now in the gym out of contact having a lovely little time refusing to give me 5 mins on the phone. So I now have to sort out the issues by myself.

AIBU or is he being a selfish knob?

OP, please if you're awake, would you just pop in with a sentence or two to reassure us that you're still hanging in? I'm worried that you've maybe overdosed and I want so much to hug you and tell you that - once you're away from this sheepshagger of a man - things WILL improve. I've been bi-polar since childhood, and have been suicidal so many times, but reaching out for help has kept me here for my son - it can be the same for you.

Also, I have very recently been gaslighted by somebody - not a sexual relationship, a female friend whom I truly believed I had an unbreakable friendship with - to the point that I began to believe I'd tipped over into clinical paranoia and hallucinations. If my support worker hadn't reminded me of where and when I'd shared this "friend"'s texts with her and checked her notes to see what date it was that I'd been so dreadfully upset by what she said, I might be an inpatient now. You're suffering from exactly the same type of abuse - that man has you wondering if you're going nuts, but in fact he's cruelly and ruthlessly manipulating you.

A previous poster told you that if you contact Samaritans they will call the police. If that is true, then things have changed dramatically since I did a year (1984 - 1985, so admittedly a long time ago) as a Samaritan volunteer. At that time we were all made clearly aware of a person's intrinsic right to kill themselves, we just did our best to help them stop wanting to. We never had details of a caller's real name or address or any other identification anyway. We had to explain to people who came to the office in person that although we would not call an ambulance while they were awake and aware, we would do so if they lost consciousness, on the basis that they were no longer in a position to keep to their original decision. (To the point where one of my colleagues had to sit with a lady who wanted company while she died, and never knew whether she recovered consciousness or what the outcome was.)

So please don't let the idea of the police becoming involved prevent you from calling Samaritans.

I'm sending you so much love and support, as have so many other posters here tonight. Please stay strong for your baby if for no other reason.

This. I hope OP reads this post and heeds this advice. You can get through this OP and emerge on the other side. The darkest hour is before dawn.

Please let us know you're okay OP - you may not believe it but a lot of people do care. Your baby needs you

Sending hugs x

You and your baby could be happy away from that waste of space.

@stressedandupset22 please look after yourself and get some good rest tonight.
I was you 12 years ago - right down to getting up earlier every morning, and trying to do everything with the baby and still get to work on time - being belittled, being treated like staff, wondering what was wrong with me, randomly crying at odd times because I felt so low about everything, wondering what was the point, believing I was shit and no one would miss me.

It isn't like that now. It can be so much better.
The good bit is in your future. you and your child having a wonderful time together.
Hes stuck with him. you're not. you have a future.
Toddlers are hard, with full time work it's just crucifying, and if you have someone who not only doesn't respect what you do but actively belittles you - it's killer. I felt everything you are feeling. But it doesn't last.

You've got a gorgeous child, you've got a job, you've got determination, and you've got us and all your own friends and family on your side. All you need to get rid of is the man.

Enjoy him being out this evening and get ready for the next part of your life.

Op please keep talking to us.

Let me tell you the other side of the suicide story.

My brother killed himself. Left two boys behind one at 6 and one at 9 months. And whilst I'm proud of them, it's messed them both up to a degree.

The older one does have memories of his dad and he struggles without him all the time. Now he has his own children, he realises even more how much he has missed out.

The younger one never even had chance to make memories with him. He still misses him even if it's the idea of him.

There is a massive hole in all of our lives the day he left and we will never get over it. He too thought he made the right choice
He was 100% wrong.

Please reach out to your family. Friends. Don't suffer alone. Don't leave your darling baby alone in this world because of that dick head. Because that dickhead will be all your baby will have growing up.

You're not alone my lovely. Talk.

@Opaljewel I'm so sorry you (and your brother's boys) had such a heartbreak to deal with.💐

Most men are selfish OP. The vast majority are either blatantly or underneath a thin veneer.
Doesnt surprise me- he probably thinks he has the job and you are sitting at home all day twiddling your thumbs.
I have one that is similar at times. Can’t speak during the day and gets home late and falls asleep within 30 mins of getting home so can’t talk then either.
Ive basically had to 98% of the life admin myself. I make the decisions. I pretty much moved house single handedly. He just turned up to view the house we were buying once and sign the mortgage docs. Was a hell of a lot of work whilst looking after 3 young children.
All life admin falls to me. All the mental load. The money is earned by him but I do 100% of the child care and rearing.
Honetly it’s frustrating at times not being able to speak to him but I just crack on with the decision making.

You should sort a new place for you and your DC to live. Then only your input is needed.

I'm sorry I didn't update last night, I fell asleep. Don't remember falling asleep, I was crying so much. Thank you for the support on here. I have woken up with such a bad headache and horrible anxiety but I am still here trying. I'm going to try for my baby today no matter how bad I feel. Thank you again x

Is there anyone you can talk to today? Could you go to family?

I'm meeting a friend at lunch time, she has a baby the same age so we are going to have a coffee while they play.

I'm so glad to read your update OP. Please get plenty of water, the headache will be dehydration.

I hope you are able to tell your friend what is happening.

Between this and your other thread, your relationship is dead in the water. Its ok to leave if you're not happy.

I just caught up with your messages. Your baby would not be better off without you, she loves you and she needs you. If you could make it to your family, would they be supportive? Can you work remotely? If so id pack yourself and baby up, take all important documents etc and go there for a few days. Let them look after you and support you. If you can't face the drive can you get the train? Would any of your family come and stay with you for a few days? You desperately need a hug and a bit of looking after. You do matter. Him pretending he didn't call you names and pretending everything is ok now is gaslighting. He's emotionally abusive. Please stay strong and keep him out. Tell everyone he's been mentally abusing you, don't feel ashamed and don't keep it to yourself. Very very well done for getting him out last night. I think if you make a plan, you'll find it easier to face things today. I think you absolutely need to take at least a few days off sick from work while you figure out what you want to do.

If one of my friends told me they felt like you do, id be there like a shot. Please tell someone you are having these thoughts.

I've used shout the text service before to tide me over in a panic attack (good when there's a child around and you don't want them to hear) and the Samaritans once or twice. They're not brilliant at actually helping but when you need talking down from a panic attack I've found them helpful.

That’s really good :)

Glad to hear from you this morning OP. The hours are always darkest before dawn. I hope you can have a good chat with your friend today.

When do you go back to work so you can share all tasks 50/50?

She does work.

We both work. He works FT, I work 34 hours a week so just slightly less than FT, in a very mentally demanding and draining job. I also do the nursery drop off/pick ups and carry the entire household mental load. And I still have to beg for scraps of support from him.

In my other thread I said how he views his job as the most important thing in the world. More important than anything or anyone else. To the extent that in a morning he will just up and leave when he's got to go, leaving everything at home to me including getting DD sorted for nursery and out for the door on time. I then have an hours commute which includes a nursery drop off, and have to get to work on time. And I also have to leave work on time to collect her. None of that falls to him. He has a 15/20 minute commute, is able to leave the house whenever he needs to leaving everything else to me, and doesn't have to drop off or collect our child so he has no stress about leaving work on time etc. I'm also primary contact for any emergencies with DD at nursery because he's pretty much uncontactable a lot of time at work and isn't able to just drop things and leave because of the nature of his work. Technically speaking it's not ideal for me to just drop things either. But I'm expected to, of course.

I'm fucking drained. Just typing all that was exhausting and reminded me why I'm so resentful.

And, if I raise any of this with him, I get told "stop having a go at me" or to "calm down". If I cry I'm pretty much ignored. Yesterday I was "manipulative" for wanting 5 mins of his time on a phone call during his HOUR lunch break.

OP please don't think about going to work on Tuesday, you need to get a doctor to sign you off for a little while to give you some space to breathe.

I don't think I will offload all of this onto my friend today. She has a lot of her own stuff going on. It will be nice though to just chat to another adult in person and have a nice distraction of our babies playing together.