@Crapadvice so many examples of advice that comes around again and again. A lot of it seems to be based on what the poster thinks is fair and right, which is sometimes appropriate but usually not. Here’s a list of the very bad advice I notice time and time again, in no particular order:
- OP has a clearly abusive partner and people advise that she goes to couples counselling with him.
why it’s bad? Abusive men typically don’t have problems understanding the partner’s feelings or difficulty expressing their own, they do what they do to gain control and get what they want. They tend to weaponise the vulnerability created by counselling against their partner.
- OP is upset that partner isn’t doing his share of household chores or caring, they’ve told him many times it upsets them and what things they would like him to do. People advise that she sit the partner down, tell him if he doesn’t do more she will leave him and/or draw of a list of chores for them each to do.
Why is this bad? This is horrible advice! Treating partners like naughty children and laying down the law is demeaning and humiliating for both parties, it totally destroys any hope of respect and intimacy in a relationship. People forget that either party can walk away from a marriage and that making your partner feel like shit, even if it’s fair, won’t result in a change of their behaviour and will just drive a further wedge between you.
- Leaving a bad situation immediately is always better than staying, no matter what.
Why is this bad? While it’s usually always better to leave a bad relationship as soon as possible, some women really will have to plan carefully to make sure she and her children are as physically, emotionally and financially safe as possible. The social safety net in the Uk anyway is not that robust, so a poorly planned escape can lead an OP to going back again because she has no choice or it could result in an attack by the partner. It’s usually best just to advise talking to womens aid first.
4 “why would you stay?” Or “have some self respect OP” or “if you’re stupid enough to… I feel sorry for your children”
why is this bad? This is sort of meta but telling a woman who is clearly in an abusive relationship that she’s a bloody idiot who such get more self respect is beyond ironic. Telling her she a terrible parent/would be parent is more than likely doing the abuser’s dirty work for them. It just reinforces that the abuser and now these strangers on MN all have a point, she’s a weak loser who doesn’t do herself any favours. Not empowering, shame can stop people from doing things sometimes, but it’s rubbish at helping people find the strength to do what they need to do.
5 if you want someone-husband, child, friend, family member- to do something sit them down and explain to them why you want them to do it. Then if they don’t do it, say it again and again.
Why is this bad? Completely ignores the other person’s right to not agree with or want to do what the OP wants. It encourages the OP to think that controlling people and telling them what to do is some sort of human right, so long as the explain it fully. It’s also delusional, because the “talking too” rarely works or rarely works for long, and typically does quite a lot of damage to the relationship. People are typically deeply resentful of this sort of criticism and coercion- however “fair” it seems to an OP. It usually makes everyone involved feel a little alone in the world