Is it possible as a state school parent to emulate a private school education & how would a motivated one start?

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This thread is triggered from all the recent press about the Cambridges & Lambrook press.. Basically the press are harping on about the time spent outdoors etc, surely parents can do this for free etc.. Out of interest how can a motivated parent who can't afford private school emulate a private school education? Please be kind!

My son has just got straight As in his National exams in a perfectly ordinary state school, we’ve been interested and engaged parents but not OTT/obsessed with extra curriculars, no tutors etc. I’m very glad I didn’t waste my money on private as he’s done so well anyway, it isn’t the be all and end all.

Hello OP, I haven’t had the time to read all the other posts (have read all of yours!) so sorry if there’s overlap…

wasn’t clear if you’re planning to home school or state school plus enrichment at home.

Basic, pretty easy (and not too expensive) things you can do age 7 and 9…
Reading. Lots and lots of reading. Reading together, reading to them, independent reading. Ideally with comprehension built in “tell me what happened in the last chapter?” “Why is X character behaving like that?” “How does this book compare to the previous book?” Etc (they’re not the best questions but you know what I mean).
Vocabulary - use new words with your children, encourage them to learn new words and practice using them orally and in written work.
Subscribe to The Week Junior and/or First News. Read them together and chat about what you read. Encourage projects on anything that sparks their interest.
Join a holiday music course in the school holidays that has classical/folk and not just modern music. You don’t have to play an instrument for lots of them (can do choir/percussion).
But also, learn an instrument!!! And join a choir!!! A good one, not a bloody stage school type one (sorry, but there’s a huge difference).
Go to every NT/English Heritage/interesting museum etc in your area. They often have specific days for children with great events.

I could go on and on. Basically, be aspirational for your children. Not much tv. No YouTube. Read. Talk. Go outside a lot.

Private tutoring in the subject they're best in.

I should add that I'm privately school educated and so are my children. We are NOT rich. My children have never had tutors. But I still have to work hard to make sure they are doing the "right" activities out of school. And by that, I mean they do as wide a range of things as is possible (time and budget willing) and see which they enjoy and want to stick with. Learning an instrument is a non-negotiable (both musical and enjoy this) and so they can both play in orchestras which they also enjoy. There are things they can do sometimes but not too much because way too expensive.

They do not have screens during the week and they do read for a significant chunk of each day. I talk to them a lot, ask their opinions, we debate (argue?!), listen to podcasts, watch TV together (just not crap). They have never watched mindless American cartoons etc and have never wanted to. They're not geeks, they're not square but they also understand that watching spongebob isn't the be-all and end all and they can see the ridiculousness of children watching other children unwrapping presents on youtube.

We do lots of craft/art. There is always blank paper and pens/pencils on the kitchen table and they normally draw before/after meals.

I find out what topics they will be doing at school each term and make sure we have some relevant books from the library to support their school learning - and we do a few visits if we can (eg British Library egyptian rooms if they're doing the egyptians).

High expectations
Tutors
Sports clubs
cultural activities - take them on trips and sign them up for summer school
picking up extra life skills - languages, ski-ing, riding, musical instruments
school trips
stuff that builds confidence - junior UN, cadets, drama
Anything that will build a network of privileged peers - so the most affluent state school you can find, plus some of the stuff above
Lean on your mates for good work experience
Driving lessons at 17
Structured year off

You did ask..

Get them to do some writing every day. Can be a postcard/letter, shopping list, holiday diary, secret code. Really doesn't matter so long as it's every day and varied. The number of children who don't pick up a pencil in the holidays is so depressing and hard for the teachers and the children.

Play number games. Play board games. Do as much sport as you can. Let them write and act in plays at home etc. Whatever they are enthusiastic about - go with it!

Think broadly. They like... The Tudors for example. Help them find out what The Tudors ate/wore/how they lived/visit Tudor buildings/what was happening in history during that time period that wasn't just Henry 8th etc.

A friend couldn't work out why none of her children got into selective schools/great universities. Academic achievement was part of it, but it was also to do with aspiration and extra curricular activities. Two of the three did nothing (and I do mean nothing) but game. Great grades but absolutely no activities to talk/write about other than Grand Theft Auto and FIFA. The other did stage school outside school but it was all ITV Saturday night type level stuff and really unimpressive. This child is now at university and realising the gap between stage school and the other music/theatre groups that were available in her area that gave a much more broad and ambitious curriculum. She has actually asked her parents why they didn't enrol her in x,y and z groups and her parents just explained they hadn't heard of them (all local - London so masses of things within a short distance).

Sorry. I'll stop now.

How does a child say hello in a 'precocious' way?

Sports all day on Saturdays.
Eating together at the table.
Having conversations.
Set prep times every evening.
Meals out to restaurants with a mix of children and adults.
It's the confidence in speaking which makes the difference. The ability to have intelligent conversations with whoever is there. Not just shuffling about looking at a phone.

@teenytims silly pose "Helloooooooooo....!"
That sort of thing. Silly voices, not proper eye contact, hand on hip in a sassy way etc. Being "made" to say hello rather than knowing that it's polite to make eye contact and say hello in a normal voice and make a little bit of conversation.

Adult - "Hello Jack, how are you?"
Child - "Hello X, I'm well thank you. How are you? Having a good summer?" etc

Following this with interest as I was privately educated and have 2 DD now (pre school) and don’t think me and DH will be able to afford to send them private - although I dream and wish! I feel I personally really benefitted from private school and am grateful for my parents scraping together the fees to send me. I got straight A’s, am confident and have a good job, but was also horrendously bullied in state primary school but feel I slotted in in private. I agree with PP who say that private schools probably fit a certain ‘type’ ie very academic and able to keep up with the pace. The main advantage I can think of is being in an environment where it’s ‘cool’ to want to achieve great exam results, revise, and do extra curricular activities of that make sense? You are really paying for the people, socialising the learning with other children if parents who are ambitious and value education. I don’t know how to replicate this apart from - lots and lots of reading - am on this, taking to museums, theatre etc - dunno what else really? 🤷‍♀️

It's not unfair, it's reality! Some things in life you have to pay for - and private education is one of them.

I'd love a red Range Rover, my friends have them, I can't afford one. That's not unfair, it's life!

@Christmasfun2022 I think there are great suggestions on here. Valuing education is so key and also valuing curiosity and debate.

I remember a parent at school looking at the extra curricular options for a special week at school and saying "archeology? what child would even be interested in that?!" and I just thought "gah!!! what child wouldn't be interested if it's presented in an interesting way?!"

@Ishacoco Well it is unfair. But we all have our limits. My children won't be going skiing or to Barbados this year (or ever while they're children I imagine) but that's ok. Different priorities. As a pp said, some people will spend money on a merlin pass. Some on NT membership. I know which really benefits children most (nothing wrong with merlin places but if you have to choose between one or the other because of time/money then...)

The difference is money and time.
I have taught for 20 years. My SIL also- only in private schools which her children attended.

Parents with enough money and time in comprehensive education can pay for tutors, extracurricular and probably have enough money to go out at weekends and expose the kids to other experiences, probably travel too. They may also have contacts at work for the future. They will be engaged in the childs learning. They will game the system for grammars or "nice" schools by moving house, or getting religion.

Private school kids will get what they paid for even if they are not as bright, because they paid and private schools game the system. They will have parents with contacts. It will all be fine even if they can't get results.

Bright kids with time poor parents who are working their arses off in comprehensive lose out. If you are in before and after school care because you work so hard that's the option for your kid, if you have no money OR TIME to spend doing stuff because you are shiftworking, if you are unable to pay for tutors or extra curriculum- then your child has to get through on school learning alone. It doesn't matter if you are a brilliant light and could be amazing. Some fucker from a private school will come along and grab the articled place through old school tie even if you have beaten the system and got your degree.

The private school system is despicable, morally wrong and repellent. Just look at the current government. Properly look at it.

I feel I’m doing well dragging them round NT properties and museums - mainly to give me something to do and find things we all enjoy in the summer holidays 😂. Not doing so well with the watching of mindless American cartoons though - my 4.5 year old DD is a fan of Barbie 😂🤷‍♀️

I hate this idea that it's "not cool" at state schools to want to achieve well/be successful/do extracurricular stuff etc. It simply isn't true!

My dd has always excelled academically In her state comprehensive - straight 9s at GCSE, predicted straight A*s at A-level etc. She has always had tons of friends and it has never once been suggested to her that it's "uncool" to be clever - quite the contrary, actually. She does tons of extracurricular stuff as well, and none of it has never been an issue. There are actually lots of kids in the state sector who are bright, hardworking and ambitious.

It's true that some kids have a tough time in school, and they might convince themselves that it's because they're clever, but the reality is that it's much more complicated than that.

It's easy to read to your children daily, enrol them in lots of after school activities - music, sport - to take them skiing, to teach them to swim, sail and pony ride. To have dinner together, go to museums, and galleries and the theatre, to talk to adults confidently but just as many state school parents as private school parents do this anyway. And at a state school they learn music, a second language. My dd does debating at school, she has learned shakespeare, sings in a choir and has played a violin since reception.

but I don't believe the OP means this - she means the confidence and arrogance/poshness/connections/confidence/start in life that she believes that the private sector confers on the children. And that's bollocks I think.

The best thing you can do with your kids is give them time, listen to them, read to them, take them out to places which will interest them, attend their school concerts, sports days, etc, when appropriate. For goodness sake, don’t try to be something you are not.

Parents can teach all this stuff! My teens are indistinguishable from their private school friends (who are here now being very loud) 😁. Their parents are no different to us whatsoever. It’s the family not the school.

Some of the local private schools near me run holiday clubs that are open to anyone but mostly used by kids who attend the school so that's a possibility if you want them to have a little bit of the private school experience.

@Anothernamechangeplease my personal experience was I was bullied at state school for being the ‘cleverest’ and teachers pet and found my tribe at private school. But completely aware that this is just my experience, at one school and was probably a target for bullies anyway for other reasons 😂

My grammar school achieved excellent academic results and I don't lack self confidence. But my kids' private school seems to instil a higher level of confidence than I had. May also be due to more of a 'fake it til you make it' mentality with boys than girls.

We did drama but it's perhaps more on the speeches side and regular presenting in lessons. The kids give speeches to all the parents in prize day from prep school onwards. My son isn't nervous presenting to 800 plus parents and teachers whereas I would have been at his age.

I'm sure this opportunity isn't exclusive to private schools but I can see he's more at ease with public speaking than I was. Making the polite conversation is less of a differentiator, that's pretty easy. Their school is also good at leveraging contacts for things like work experience, whereas I organised my own (not necessarily a bad thing).

I was bullied for "being clever" at school too. Or at least, that's what I told myself at the time, but the reality was that I simply didn't have good social skills so I think I was a very easy target. If it wasn't about being clever, i have no doubt that they'd have picked on me for something else instead. I had spent most of my primary school years with my head stuck in a book, and hadn't really been encouraged or supported to go out and develop those skills. Looking back, there were other "clever" kids in my year who were happy and popular. And things got infinitely better for me when I learned how to relate better to those around me.

I saw exactly the same thing in one of the kids at dd's secondary. Her mum told me that she struggled to make friends because she was clever. DD told me that she struggled to make friends because she came across as arrogant and didn't know how to talk to people. DD was equally clever but never had any problem with making friends at all.

Of course, I'm not making any judgements about what happened to you, or why it happened. And I'm really sorry that you had to endure that... it's shit, as I know from my own experience. I'm just saying that I don't think it's at all inevitable that clever kids will be bullied in state schools, and that sometimes, the cleverness is just the thing that the bullies happen to pick out that is different rather than being the actual reason for the bullying per se. If it wasn't that, they would find something else to pick on instead.

This was my plan
I was a SAHM so had lots of time and energy to take my DC to any clubs they wanted to join.
Lots of holidays and any school
trips they wanted to go on
Joined cubs
Days out each weekend and a few each week during school holidays.
Also lots of unsupervised downtime during the holidays. I never had any rules for gaming, they sort of self regulated themselves.
Unlimited books and really encouraged reading by extending bedtime if they read before bed.
I never nagged them to do homework, they just seemed to do it.
Accept their personalities and don’t try and change them
Be their to listen but don’t force them
to talk if they don’t want to
It seemed to work.

User584, my state educated kids are doing very well, and also love 'mindless American cartoons', who'd have thought!