Really don't want to go on this hen do

[AngelicaSchuyler1]

Hen do woes...

My best friend is getting married in November.

She has booked a hen weekend for Oct in a city 2 hours from where we live, we are staying in a big house and there's a spa and swimming pool, hot tub, nice restaurant on site etc.

We've all had to pay £189 each to stay in this house for two nights, plus costs of driving there etc.

My friend was originally in the group on FB messenger but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

She has already bought us penis whistles, feather boas, t -shirts with "funny" names on them (e.g. Juicy Jenny, Hannah the Whore, Slaggy Sam) and is insisting we wear them when we eat at the restaurant on the first night. This is a NICE restaurant and not cheap. She has also bought a penis costume and is insisting the bride can wear it to the restaurant and it will be "such a laugh". She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits. And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.

I've never met this other hen before but I already dislike her and she is really putting me off going to the hen weekend. She is really bossy and all of her ideas are tacky and hideous.

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?

If I were the bride then I would want to know.

So I could be washing my hair that night!

If the bride is indeed your best friend (and you, hers) then you will know for sure what she would and wouldn't like. It sounds like this hen is buying into the hen do Industry (with everyone else's cash) and thinks it has to be a mess of sexual references, phallic symbols (look out for the penis straws she'll be throwing in your drinks!) and general shitty "lasses" loutish behaviour.

Can I come?

And can my top say "Cock Loving Kya"?

Tell the bride EXACTLY what is going on.

There is no way I would want to be within a 100 miles of such a tacky evening.

You are going to be mortified in that restaurant and most likely deeply offend the other patrons with the vulgar outfits.

No one asked her to purchase anything.
She wouldn't be getting a penny from me.

"Not being funny but Ive put in a lot of effort to make this fun for Bride. Dont appreciate your text, we are all part of this weekend and Ive spent money to make this good for her, still havent received your share for the items. Get off your high horse and stop thinking youre special, its not about you as Ive said before."

^"not* *being funny either but me and X are organising the weekend as requested by Bride. I'm not paying for those items as you didn't get agreement to spend my money before buying them. I suggest you return them as they wont be used on restaurant night. Bride has asked you to organise X and you are overstepping by trying to organise the part I've been asked to do. I'm more than happy to support and pay for things for the part you are responsible for (as long as you get my agreement to spend the money first). Were all excited to make sure bride gets a great send off so let's work together and split the load and it should be a good mix of stuff that everyone will enjoy."

At the risk of sounding wanky at nearly 50 a professional job (own business so really care how I come across) clients largely elderly and conservative - there’s just no way on gods earth I would put myself in that group in public wearing a whore t shirt with a friend dressed as a penis. Likely there are others on your group with this view too.

Ugh
We went to a lodge for my friends hen do
Arrived on the Friday
Friday night we stayed in and did an 80s theme with games
Saturday night we went out, dressed normally, for a meal and drinking
Sunday we had afternoon tea

In between those times we just lazed, chatted, used the hot tub etc. It was perfect. On the 80s theme we did a few hen related bits like pin the nose on the groom, Mrs and Mr questions etc but all penis straws etc were in the lodge

This.

You could also stick it up on the group chat that you won't be paying or wearing her tacky crap.

As for a stripper?
Really.

Only the tackiest of the tacky still do this type of thing.

Is she going to organise that at the venue?
Again most likely hugely offensive to other patrons.

Don’t drop out of you're best friends wedding, it’s not her fault this woman is a total twat and is probably arranging a hen do she would want!!

You are seriously going to have to nip this in the bud. If you don’t and as you say this isn’t to the brides taste at all, the bride is going to look to you and the other bridesmaid to say you should have stopped her. You don’t want the bride upset or regretting her hen do!

Time to get the big girl pants on, tell this dick to fuck off, tell her she isn’t getting paid for all the shitty tacky stuff she has bought off her own back. No one will be wearing any tacky tee shirts to the restaurant, and the bride certainly isn’t dressing up as a penis when at the restaurant. You could compromise and wear these items in the house, but if you do that you may need to consider contributing to the items.

Tell her she can piss off with the stripper, if everyone wants to pay an extra £40 then they can buy a lovely beautiful thoughtful gift for the bride (personally I think you will have all paid more than enough for the hen do, and wouldn’t be putting my hand back in my pocket).

You need to man up and speak to the other bridesmaid, never mind the other people on the chat, it doesn’t matter what they want, it’s what the bride wants and between the paid of you, you should both know what the bride wants, and therefore need to enforce this.

If you’re sure that your best friend wouldn’t like this stuff then send the message suggested by fuckblippi. I’d also text the other bridesmaid and point out that the two of you are responsible for ensuring the bride enjoys the weekend, so you both need to stand up to the cowhen.

I’d also be tempted to call the restaurant and ask their policy on fancy dress. If they say no (which they almost certainly will), you can message the group chat: “I’ve checked with the restaurant and they said no fancy dress, which is probably a good thing because bride would hate it. Best to return the items bought, and ask me and other bridesmaid before anyone spends any more money.”

I wouldn’t involve the bride at this stage though. You and the other bridesmaid just been to be a bit brave. Every inappropriate suggestion from cowhen or others needs a “bride wouldn’t like that” response.

My sister’s hen do was ruined by her bridesmaid with a load of tacky stuff sister didn’t want. I really wish I’d been much braver and stood up for her a bit more.

Who is she?! Sounds awful OP

Hmm hard one can you compromise and only wear in the house

OK, seen your update about how you are a bridesmaid and this woman is not.

You have to nip this in the bud.

Right now.

Not only do you make it clear to this woman that you will not be paying a single penny towards any of the crap she has bought, you also have to make it clear to all the other hens that they do not have to either.

I hope it's not too late.

Sounds like the best outcome would be if she strops off and decides not to come.

I think you need to write back “You spent money with no consultation with us or consideration for what we or the bride want to do. Frankly, it’s not about what YOU want, but what would make her happy. She would HATE all of that.”

I would also call the restaurant and clarify their dress code and ask them to confirm that you wont be allowed in if you're dressed in penis attire (you can kind of explain the situation) and confirm to the group that you won't be allowed

That's what I would do too. Phone them up, explain the situation and even if they say it's fine, see if they would be willing to email you a big fat no that you could share with the group. Something like, "Thank you for your enquiry. I am afraid that yes, our establishment does have a dress code and as such, we would be forced to cancel your table if your party's attire was deemed distasteful, vulgar or contained profanity. In light of your enquiry, please could you confirm whether or not you still wish to dine with us as cancellations made less than 48 hours before the booking date, or refusal or service on the evening will result in the loss of your deposit."
If they won't then fuck it, mock it up yourself.

The last thing the OP - who has said she hates confrontation & can be a bit people-pleasing - is advice to do any more shilly-shallying around the topic.
She doesn't need permission to speak up, she's not 'ruining' any surprise, & SHE is meant to be the one organisating the hen.
It's her job to speak up, & shut this shitshow down.

PP are losing sight of the fact that this is OP's best friend.
Women are allowed to ring their best friends & tell them that a 3rd party is trying to take over their hen do with embarrassing bad taste activities & tat.

OP should just ring her friend up, tell her how it is, let her know that she (OP) is dealing with it, but might need some back-up if she gets any more tone-deaf pushback from the tack-obsessed hen.

Then send - in the GROUP chat - @fuckblippi's excellent:
"Bride doesn't want any of that, nobody asked you to organise it, no one is paying. The weekend is being organised by the bridemaids. See you then."

Already some amazing responses on here.

Go with the one that most resonates. But you have to tell her in no uncertain terms that:

• It is ALL about the bride having fun
• You and another are bridesmaids and in charge of organising the hen do
• She is not in charge
• People, including the bride, want to dress nicely for the posh restaurants
• Absolutely NO to the stripper (I mean urrgghhhh - had anyone done that for my hen 'for a laugh' I would have been mortified)

Wow that's tough . You shouldn't be dealing with this. I'd speak to other bridesmaid privately and get her support. Then put a joint message thanking hen for her involvement but that bride asked bridesmaids to arrange hen as they know her best. Then give the plans. If t shirts etc have been paid for say you will wear them at breakfast in the place your staying or something. If she still causes trouble you may have to ask bride to have a word.

How is it hard?

OP's best mate is getting married & will hate this tatt.
OP is bridesmaid & in charge of organising.
She needs to tell 'Sandra' to wind her fucking neck in & stop imagining she's in charge. Sandra is an invitee, not an organiser. No compromise needs to be made.

If I were the bride here, I'd be half angry at Sandra, & halfway to tears of laughter at her batshittery. OP needs to step up & defend her friend's weekend!

I say this as a person who hates confrontation and I want to be kind but you need to grow a backbone and stand up to this person! You are the brides best friend. Tell her exactly what this person wants to do and make sure it’s shut down. Tell the other hens too. I’m sure they will agree with you. This sounds horrendous and I would be upset if someone tried to pull that crap on my friends day.

Don’t go. It’s not up to you to ‘tone police’ the worlds tackiest hen do, but you have every right to say it’s not for you and you don’t want to do it and particularly not be asked to pay for the awfulness.

And what if I'm taking my mother and my DC out foe a special occasion at this restaurant who's going to explain the costume then.
I don't understand the cock obsession with hen night, you never see a stag night where the groom is dressed as a big vulva with his head sticking out of the clit.
Tacky costumes are for +18 venues not family spaces.
I'm with you I think the bridesmaid is wasting money on tacky rubbish. A classy night out is much nicer for all.

This would be my idea of hell. Speak to your best friend, get an idea what she really wants and the inform Cowhen to fuck off

Also, as the brides close friend, I would be disappointed that you wouldn't give a heads up to me.

Mind you, it's such a tackfest, who is this woman to the bride exactly? that she seems to make a complete show of the bride?

@fuckblippi text is perfect.

Paying for any of that tat makes you complicit in it.

Tell the bride.
Fuck the surprise, who wants to be surprised with tacky, vulgar stuff anyway. If I turned up to that I'd leave.

It's not tough, & OP should be dealing with it - it's her job as bridesmaid & best mate.

OP -
Do NOT thank her for her involvement. She'll take it as carte banche to be even more controlling & annoying.

Do NOT offer to wear the T shirts - it makes no odds if they are paid for or not, They are not wanted, & it's nobody's fault but Sandra's that they have been ordered.

The only way to prevent Sandra from still causing trouble is to shut her down now. Not appeasing her with special messages thanking her for ... what, exactly? 😂