Really don't want to go on this hen do

[AngelicaSchuyler1]

Hen do woes...

My best friend is getting married in November.

She has booked a hen weekend for Oct in a city 2 hours from where we live, we are staying in a big house and there's a spa and swimming pool, hot tub, nice restaurant on site etc.

We've all had to pay £189 each to stay in this house for two nights, plus costs of driving there etc.

My friend was originally in the group on FB messenger but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

She has already bought us penis whistles, feather boas, t -shirts with "funny" names on them (e.g. Juicy Jenny, Hannah the Whore, Slaggy Sam) and is insisting we wear them when we eat at the restaurant on the first night. This is a NICE restaurant and not cheap. She has also bought a penis costume and is insisting the bride can wear it to the restaurant and it will be "such a laugh". She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits. And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.

I've never met this other hen before but I already dislike her and she is really putting me off going to the hen weekend. She is really bossy and all of her ideas are tacky and hideous.

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?

The bride is your best friend...talk to her! Tell her what the other woman is planning and see what she says.

This is admirably succinct.
Send it on the group chat OP. AND tell your friend what has gone down so far.

I think Sandra the cow hen is going to cause some kind of scene or embarrassment at the event - because from what we've heard so far & seen from her aggressive text style - everything needs to be about her.

After reading your very reasonable text and the other hens rude reply, I would be calling best friend and explaining it all to her. Its her hen and she's invited this other person who you don't know so she needs to know whats going on and decide what to do.

If I was the bride, i would want to know whats being planned as I would absolutely hate it and would be really upset that my good friends hadn't told me. Its not a nice surprise if thats not your thing.

Also, do not pay her a penny - she wanted to buy the tacky shit, she can pay for it!

I’d just message the bride and ask how she feels about going to the restaurant dressed as a penis. Probably no need for any further information.

The bride will likely find out when this ends up in the Mail or wherever anyway.

Oh this is good

You have to be firm and abrupt with people like that

I would definitely involve the bride at this point. I think this woman is jealous she’s not a bm and obviously has elevated ideas about her relationship with the bride.
have a quiet word with the bride and feel her out about the costume in the restaurant etc.

'And it's also not about your idea of a good hen night!'

Put a post on the group
'I've been in touch with bride so she can direct us on what kind of weekend she'd like. So please reimburse x for anything you agreed to pay for (bloody nothing!) and before anyone spends any money can they get approval from the BM's as we don't want this weekend to become too expensive for anyone. Bride would like a classy weekend with lots of great food and fun, so plan your best outfit for the meal etc'

@Luminousnose This cracked me up! 😂😂😂Brilliant!

Just speak to the bride and get her to say one way or the other if she wants to wear a penis outfit to a restaurant.

I don't think you continuing to private message this woman will work as it's all too weak and passive aggressive. You just need the bride to assertively say no. Then move on!

I really don't think you should contact the bride, it's not fair to pull her into it unless it gets even more nasty.

If it was me I'd maybe get in touch with a few of the hens I know well to get their views then make it really clear on the group chat that you and the other bridesmaids are organizing things and to keep things simple and to keep costs down, please leave it to us to lead.

You really appreciate the enthusiasm but it's not fair to go off and spend money without agreeing stuff with the group and all agreeing it's something the bride would enjoy.

You know the bride well and know that she would not want to be at a nice restaurant dressed as a cock and wouldn't like a stripper.

Please stop and return the items if you don't want to be out of pocket.

I really don't think you should contact the bride, it's not fair to pull her into it unless it gets even more nasty.

Sorry but I'd have been bloody pissed off if people were scheming to dress me up as a penis without my knowledge on my hen night.

Or just send her this …

Genuine question - what young woman finds all this ‘Sam the Slag’ t-shirts and penis paraphernalia even remotely amusing or appropriate? If it was the 1970s and society had not evolved I could probably understand but in a era where people are so socially media savvy and everything is so aesthetic and curated… I really don’t get it…

Don't drop out, it's not the bride's fault.

But put your foot down with the other hen and say you will not be wearing the T-shirt or reimbursing her for what she's paid out, and you will also not be contributing to paying for a stripper.

Do this openly so the other hens know they won't be alone if they also wish to refuse.

She sounds like a total nightmare. You have my sympathies.

I really don't think you should contact the bride, it's not fair to pull her into it unless it gets even more nasty.

Judging by this woman's reply, she's not going to listen to anyone, she's going to do what she wants. The only person who can stop this is the bride and it's unfair to make her do it on the actual hen.

If you don't want the bride to get wind of there being issues, could you maybe go back to her and present a bit of a questionnaire for her. Say that you want to make sure you're getting the tone of the surprises right, particularly the ones happening in public places, so could she pick out some key words that would be preferable for her. Then list things like classy, silly, crude, creative, nostalgic etc.

Also, phone the restaurant yourself and describe exactly what the costumes are likely to be. They may refuse, which you can then report back to the group.

I'd be as blunt as she was in her reply.

'Actually, as x's best friend and one of her bridesmaids I am special and me and x are organising this weekend, not you. I'm not paying you for any tat because you should've checked with the rest of us if buying it was a good idea and I can assure you it wasn't. x is NOT going to want to go to a nice restaurant dressed as a big dick. She will be mortified, in fact. If you're that fussed, you can wear it.'

This is a good response.

She sounds bloody horrible and her ideas are juvenile and demeaning. If you turn up at a nice restaurant dressed like that, chances are you will be turned away, which would be really upsetting for the bride. Time to put your foot down firmly in the group chat. Tell the horrible hen you won’t be wearing such a T-shirt and you won’t be paying, it was not agreed and she had no right to do this. And if necessary, inform the bride. Some kinds of surprises you just don’t need.

I've a couple of sisters. One would be just like this and the more dicks she could shoehorn into a hen the better.

Which is why I ensured that the other sister planned my hen.

I think you need to talk to the bride. I'd have been really upset if I'd had any of that shite at my hen, and it would have ruined it for pretty much everyone there as well.

Not really. I'm in my late 50's and never been to a hen night like that.

I wouldn't go.

Leave the group chat, organise your own nice things for the bride if you want. It's not fair on your friend to pull out of her hen do because of someone else (who doesn't sound like a nice person!) trying to take over, that's not the bride's fault and she doesn't even know.
Just don't pay any attention to the other hen. Enjoy the event and the nice dinner, don't wear the T-shirt and leave the room when the stripper comes in, you'll probably find others do the same.

This ^ is very good advice.

You need to send a message to the bride, along the lines of:

I don't want to spoil any surprises that might be planned for your hen weekend, but I really need some guidance as to what you had in mind as to the classy:tacky balance. You know HunHen far better than me, and she's got some very definite ideas that I don't think fit with the weekend you intended. I just need a little bit more of a hint as to what you are expecting.