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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really don't want to go on this hen do

734 replies

AngelicaSchuyler1 · 26/08/2022 11:37

Hen do woes...

My best friend is getting married in November.

She has booked a hen weekend for Oct in a city 2 hours from where we live, we are staying in a big house and there's a spa and swimming pool, hot tub, nice restaurant on site etc.

We've all had to pay £189 each to stay in this house for two nights, plus costs of driving there etc.

My friend was originally in the group on FB messenger but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

She has already bought us penis whistles, feather boas, t -shirts with "funny" names on them (e.g. Juicy Jenny, Hannah the Whore, Slaggy Sam) and is insisting we wear them when we eat at the restaurant on the first night. This is a NICE restaurant and not cheap. She has also bought a penis costume and is insisting the bride can wear it to the restaurant and it will be "such a laugh". She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits. And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.

I've never met this other hen before but I already dislike her and she is really putting me off going to the hen weekend. She is really bossy and all of her ideas are tacky and hideous.

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?

OP posts:
bert3400 · 26/08/2022 13:58

@saleorbouy Cowhen is not a bridesmaid, she has just taken on the role of tacky organiser

SpiderinaWingMirror · 26/08/2022 13:58

I would sing like a canary to your best friend.

babyjellyfish · 26/08/2022 13:59

MrsWooster · 26/08/2022 13:54

Don’t go. It’s not up to you to ‘tone police’ the worlds tackiest hen do, but you have every right to say it’s not for you and you don’t want to do it and particularly not be asked to pay for the awfulness.

The OP is the one supposed to be organising the hen do. It is her responsibility to make it non tacky, if a non tacky hen do is what the bride wants.

If one of my hens had pulled this sort of stunt with my hen do and my bridesmaids had let her get away with it - possibly causing other people to drop out - I would have been really disappointed in them.

The bride put the OP and her other bridesmaid in charge - and not cowhen - for a reason.

KettrickenSmiled · 26/08/2022 14:01

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 26/08/2022 13:48

Hmm hard one can you compromise and only wear in the house

Classic Mumsnet.

OP: "a third party is pressuring me to do something I 100% do not want to do, & will offend & upset my friend, the bride"
PP: "You must pander to this third party with a compromise. Never mind that you & the bride hate it - you must suck some of it up!"

FFS.
How about - OP has NO NEED to compromise, & just needs to learn how to say "no"?
I seriously hope she doesn't engage in any more appeasement & just sends @fuckblippi 's excellent message.

babyjellyfish · 26/08/2022 14:03

I also wouldn't involve the bride unless cowhen decides not to come and you need to explain to the bride why she's dropped out, or if she continues to be a pain and threatens to ruin things for everyone else even after you've told her in no uncertain terms that none of her tacky shit is happening and no one will be paying for it, in which case as an absolute last resort you might want to ask the bride to call her and ask her to please go along with what the bridesmaids have planned.

ButtonMoonLoon · 26/08/2022 14:04

Oh heck, I think you’ve got to tell the bride. If I was her I’d much prefer a hideous ‘surprise’ to be ruined rather than turning up to all of that.

GU24Mum · 26/08/2022 14:05

Honestly, this is going to get messy and your friend might not thank you for creating a drama however well justified. When she left the group did she actually say that you and the other bridesmaid were in charge?

I'd put a message on the group to say that it's really not what you think the bride would want to it's best if you leave them to it. Don't pay for anything you didn't agree to and just leave the group.

Tell your friend that you're sorry but the plans are a bit more lively than you think she'd want and you're finding Cowhen "a bit tricky" so it's best if you drop out but you hope they'll have a great evening and if she's up for a cocktails evening separately, let you know.

That leaves it with the bride to have a think. She might be horrified and tackle Cowhen or she might not mind in the end ....... but what she won't want is some sort of feud which she's got to sort out. FWIW, I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole.

KettrickenSmiled · 26/08/2022 14:05

MrsWooster · 26/08/2022 13:54

Don’t go. It’s not up to you to ‘tone police’ the worlds tackiest hen do, but you have every right to say it’s not for you and you don’t want to do it and particularly not be asked to pay for the awfulness.

Of course it's up to OP! It's her actual job, for this hen!

Her best friend - you know, the bride - asked HER to be bridesmaid & to organise the hen.
No doubt if the bride had wanted a tackfest she would have asked 'Sandra' to organise it. She doesn't, so she didn't.

Dobbing out would be an act of cowardice & betrayal.
She may as well text her best friend to say "I am too weak to stop your hen being turned into a festival of ghastly tatt, but I won't enjoy it any more than you will so I'm bowing out, but expect you to suck it up. Byeee!"

Nobu · 26/08/2022 14:06

This is the reason I've never been on a hen night.
I've been bridesmaid twice and am married.
I can think of nothing worse.
Great for those who like it but nobody should be expected to go along with this.

Peashoots · 26/08/2022 14:07

OP YANBU, but please whatever you do, don’t drop out! It would be really shitty of you and none of this is the brides fault.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 26/08/2022 14:08

I would tell the bride and get her to deal with this woman. You know her best, after all. I for one would be very embarrassed at the stripper and wouldn't want that. This woman is making it all about her own preferences. I wouldn't be paying for all the tasteless tat either. Maybe a theme (like Grease) but not the whore names, thanks.

Baoing · 26/08/2022 14:09

Hmm hard one can you compromise and only wear in the house

Some things can be comprised on - having cheese instead of ham, watching a film instead of going out, etc.

Dressing as penis with a whore tee shirt on and 'just wearing it in the house' isn't a compromise, it's a sign that you didn't say "No, fuck off right now, sunshine" the very second it was suggested.

AlexandriasWindmill · 26/08/2022 14:10

If you see your job as bridesmaid to include organising the hen then tbh your job is to bring this together not create bad feeling.
Message everyone saying 'thanks tacky hen for all your efforts - costumes are great for the house or the club - but we can all wear nice clothes for the restaurant because of their dress code.'
And then add on the details of whatever you have organised as surprises for the bride because so far there doesn't seem to be any mention of what you've done.

PurBal · 26/08/2022 14:11

Similar thing happened at my friends hen. The two bridesmaids were due to organise it (myself included). The other appointed herself maid of honour (bride CBA with the confrontation but repeatedly expressed her concerns that she would ruin her wedding, only asked to be bridesmaid out of obligation as bride was hers 10+ years ago). She organised the entire thing with plastic tat and anytime I suggested something else I was told that as the maid of honour she had the final say. It’s was expensive and a nightmare. And yes, she was a PIA at the wedding. She actually insisted she PRAY for the bride despite the bride being atheist about an hour before the ceremony and the bride got quite angry with her. She spent £20 on awful polyester robes per person (there are nicer ways of doing them if that’s what you want to do) without asking and I threw mine out as soon as I got home.

Pipsquiggle · 26/08/2022 14:13

@fuckblippi has it right - send that.

Before or straight after sending the above message, you need to let the bride that Cowhen is being a complete tack-fest arse. Cowhen is exactly the kind of person who will go crying to the bride and twist everything to her own narrative and slag you off, saying what a bitch you were. You need to make sure the bride has the full picture

Summerof22 · 26/08/2022 14:14

For me, telling your friend would depend on two things.

are you certain that she would hate the hen the way this girl is planning it?

and secondly, how does your friend know this girl? It sounds like she’s not from your core friendship group, as you don’t know her that well.

if she’s a workmate or maybe girlfriend of a friend, then I would tell the bride. There’s no way she would want her hen ruined by someone that will probably not be in her life in two years time.

diddl · 26/08/2022 14:15

but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

Did the bride specifically say who should be organising stuff?

If not then surely she should be the one telling the person she invited to her hen that x,y,z will not be happening?

PurBal · 26/08/2022 14:15

I should say I held my tongue and did what I could to mitigate it. I planned all the activities and even though the other bridesmaid took credit I was pleased the bride had a nice time. The other bridesmaid did a shit load of tat and food, things that’s were very “visible”. Food was pretty awful too, I know we’re all budgeting but the quality was poor, really studenty, and she forgot an entire meal.

Original poster
AngelicaSchuyler1 · 26/08/2022 14:16

Update. CowHen has gone literally insane.

I replied to her last text and said "Organising the hen do is the role of the bridesmaids which is myself and Other Bridesmaid, unfortunately Bride is not going to enjoy any of the things you have planned and hasn't asked for any of them either. As we both want to give Bride the best hen, please leave with myself and Other Bridesmaid and we will keep you updated in the group chat. Hope you are able to get refunds for the items you have bought as they won't be used. Thank you".

CowHen left me on read but I got a message from Other Bridesmaid about half an hour later asking why I've dropped out of the hen weekend. I asked her what was she talking about and she sent me screenshots. CowHen has set up another group chat, left me out of it and put the first message "Angelica can no longer attend hen weekend so set up a new group for us girls that are going to make the effort for Bride. Can you all send me £75, so I can put deposit down for stripper and also to cover costs of items Ive bought. My bank details are Thanks ladies xXx".

Ive messaged Bride but she is at work and can't access her phone during shifts. Ive told Other Bridesmaid that I have NOT dropped out of the hen weekend and sent her screenshots of what CowHen sent to me.

Im going to remove CowHen from original group chat and tell the other hens to NOT send her any money and that she is trying it on.

This whole thing is turning out to be a nightmare.

OP posts:
Hollywolly1 · 26/08/2022 14:16

Drop out

marvellousindeed · 26/08/2022 14:16

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 26/08/2022 12:02

Oh lord in which case get this woman told!

Send her a message along the lines of

"It's great that you want to be so involved with the hen party activities and plans, but you need to take a step back and let those of us who have been asked to organise things do so. Several people have mentioned that the t-shirts and giant penis costume make them uncomfortable so we have decided not to do this. I'm sorry if you're out of pocked but this should have been checked with us before you made the purchases. I understand that you're disappointed, but like you say, let's remember that this is about the bride so lets not make things awkward for her sake"

Please, please don't drop out. That's just not fair on the bride and I wouldn't bother the bride yet with the full reality or problems yet as you should try to sort it out amongst yourselves.

As someone suggested previously on here - discretely ask the bride what type of hen do she would like. Even if you're her best friend, the factthis other person has been invited must mean they have something in common.

If your friend indicates that she wouldn't mind some of the more fun (or tacky) stuff, then restrict that to the house - that would be a fair compromise, I think. Definitely no stripper - that's just not on, especially nowadays.

Then liaise with the other bridesmaid (assuming you know each other unless your friend has very separate friendship groups ?!).

Then use the above reply, modifying as appropriate dependent on what the bride indicated she would like.

KettrickenSmiled · 26/08/2022 14:17

AlexandriasWindmill · 26/08/2022 14:10

If you see your job as bridesmaid to include organising the hen then tbh your job is to bring this together not create bad feeling.
Message everyone saying 'thanks tacky hen for all your efforts - costumes are great for the house or the club - but we can all wear nice clothes for the restaurant because of their dress code.'
And then add on the details of whatever you have organised as surprises for the bride because so far there doesn't seem to be any mention of what you've done.

If OP does this, Tacky Hen will demand payment for all the tat she's bought.

ThirteenLuckyForSome · 26/08/2022 14:18

I agree the t-shirts and cock thing in the house (if she must) but in a nice restaurant with other diners, nope. If she insists on dress up in a restaurant the bride wearing a nice white dress and vail, hens wear sashes, this is what has always happened on hen do's I've been to. Whenever we've done anything cock related for a laugh we've done it in the house where other people won't be subjected to it!

Baoing · 26/08/2022 14:19

Jeez, OP. That update.

Not many words - you're doing the right thing so far. What a bloody nightmare.

Peashoots · 26/08/2022 14:19

Wow-that update!
honestly I don’t see how you can avoid telling the bride at this point. Jesus Christ. Good luck!!