Really don't want to go on this hen do

[AngelicaSchuyler1]

Hen do woes...

My best friend is getting married in November.

She has booked a hen weekend for Oct in a city 2 hours from where we live, we are staying in a big house and there's a spa and swimming pool, hot tub, nice restaurant on site etc.

We've all had to pay £189 each to stay in this house for two nights, plus costs of driving there etc.

My friend was originally in the group on FB messenger but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

She has already bought us penis whistles, feather boas, t -shirts with "funny" names on them (e.g. Juicy Jenny, Hannah the Whore, Slaggy Sam) and is insisting we wear them when we eat at the restaurant on the first night. This is a NICE restaurant and not cheap. She has also bought a penis costume and is insisting the bride can wear it to the restaurant and it will be "such a laugh". She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits. And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.

I've never met this other hen before but I already dislike her and she is really putting me off going to the hen weekend. She is really bossy and all of her ideas are tacky and hideous.

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?

Dressing nicely and going to museum's about another culture vs. going to a fancy spa dressed as a giant male appendage and using words like 'slut' and 'whore' because you think its funny are WILDLY different.

The truth is OP and the Hens will likely be kicked out if they go along with the other hens plans, almost all fancy establishment have rules against obvious hen parties.

Hi everyone, of course I am still coming on hen do, I'm a BM. Cowhen and I have had different ideas about how the weekend should go but we both agree it's about what the bride wants above everything else so am doing a bit of research. Cowhen don't spend any more money and don't exclude anyone, we will sort this and have a fantastic time!

Yes!!!!

Please put a message in the original chat saying that you haven't dropped out but that because of other hen's behaviour you're going to have to discuss the weekend with the bride.

I would put a message in the original chat saying you haven't dropped out but don't say its because of "the other hen's behaviour" or that you are talking to the bride.

She's a moronic bully this woman but that will become increasingly clear to everyone (including presumably the bride). The other hens presumably have already twigged what a nightmare she is and clearly don't want to be railroaded into buying cock outfits etc. She will make everyone think she's a nob with behaviour like this without any help from you. Your job now is to keep the high ground and allow herself to make herself look like the jealous idiot she is. Make sure you don't allow yourself to be elbowed out but don't stoop to her level.

And also bear in mind that it will be really upsetting for the bride to have her hens squabbling like this. I think you should sound her out, as you have done, to say "this is what's going down, are you cool with it?" but don't make it look as if you are judging her friend. That's a load of stress she doesn't need at the moment.

OP - your text conversation with the CowHen certainly doesn't jive with your previous sentence of "I will admit I'm not a very confident person and really hate coming to blows with anyone, this other hen is like a bulldozer as well and I just cba with her." Well done. Cannot wait to see how the bride reacts to it all.

CowHen has set up another group chat, left me out of it and put the first message "Angelica can no longer attend hen weekend so set up a new group for us girls that are going to make the effort for Bride.

Why hasn't Other Bridesmaid pointed out to everyone in that group that CowHen is literally just making shit up?

Your inability to even consider that you don't know everything about the bride or that she may think differently from you about some things has partly contributed to this mess.

I would imagine that if the bride was closer to CowHen than the OP, she would have chosen CowHen as her bridesmaid and asked her to organise the hen do. Regardless of who does/doesn't like dressing up as a giant willy in a smart restaurant, the bride clearly considers OP and Other Bridesmaid, and not CowHen, to be the people she wants to entrust with this stuff, so CowHen needs to stop being a giant weirdo and ordering a whole load of expensive shit without asking first and then demanding money from people for it.

CowHen is fucking nuts and also does not give a shit about the bride; if she did, she wouldn't be stirring up shit and pretending the bride's chosen bridesmaid was dropping out.

Absolutely do not drop out, this is your best friends hen weekend.

Also don’t bring the bride into it as it’ll only upset her to know her different friendship groups are clashing and haven’t been able to organise this without dragging her into it. (I was part of a group where that happened and it DID NOT go down well).

So you’ll have to speak up and tell this other hen your friend won’t like it. And if you are her best friend and bridesmaid you should know better than her! Have some other ideas ready to suggest because you’ve still got to do something that makes the weekend a bit special/different from any other standard trip away.

I have been to a few hendos at hendo houses (including my own) and find it a bit odd that you're going out out at all tbh. The idea generally of these big houses is that you make the most of the facilities. Most even usually offer a catering service and will do you a slap up meal. I would hate the idea of spending all that money to have a private space to really kick back and enjoy each other then just going to a busy town centre and not being able to hear each other think all night and probably losing each other

Even so, if this girl was the MOH I might be telling you to suck it up a bit. However she isn't MOH so I can't see why she's taking over so much. She definitely shouldn't be asking you to fork out tonnes of money for anything,never mind things you aren't comfortable with. Maybe the hen doesn't want a MOH but if you consider yourself one of her closest friends then maybe you should offer to take the lead a bit for the hendo. It sounds like hen has been through a lot. I'd be trying everything I can to give her the hendo she deserves not the one cowhen wants xx

Oh my god cowhen sounds awful! No way does she get to bully you out!

I would be really pissed off about the £40 for the stripper. It's not a friend of hers that's giving her a cut or something? That seems very expensive (apologies if this is the going rate - I've never been a part of hiring a stripper 😅)

@Veeve090 RTFT - we're 16 pages in with multiple updates from the OP. Your post is irrelevant

Penis straws and little tacky favours are completely fine on a hen do.
Dressing someone up in a massive Willy costume and having to wear derogatory names T-shirt’s and a male stripper is a no.
I literally can’t think of anyone I know who would be super pleased about this for their hen do?

I'm not entirely sure how messaging her and telling her that she needs to back off as the bride wants something "classier" was ever going to go any other way tbh.

This sounds like an absolute nightmare. I bet the other hens are paying grudgingly, privately thinking 'WTAF', and hoping most of it doesn't materialize. I've been to a variety of hen dos over the years. The ones with a lot of penises don't hold up well in the memory. Is CowHen possibly living out the fantasies of the hen do she really wants/wanted??

I don’t agree with dragging the bride into it. She will be so upset to see her different friendship groups clashing and it’s created a whole load of awkwardness now for when you all go away. You should have been able to sort this out amongst yourselves because THAT would have been doing the best on behalf of your friend. Not bringing her in as mediator.

I would hate this as well but I don’t think it’s the point really.

The point is she’s unilaterally decided everyone needs to do what she wants without checking if anyone else is happy.

But I would try as hard as possible not to make this the bride’s problem.

Last thing she wants to be doing while planning a wedding is invigilating an ugly fight between people who are supposed to be her mates.

Why is touring sex museums better than what these women are doing?
Same thing, isn't it? Pushing social boundaries about acceptable displays of sexual behaviour.

One of them is going to a museum and looking at sex-related items, in the company of other people who have chosen to go to a sex museum and are aware of what they will see there. That isn't 'pushing social boundaries'. It's going to a museum to look at something, where the only other people there will be doing the same thing. It's a museum, not a brothel. You're looking at antique dildos and Victorian fetish wear and stuff. I've been to the one in Hamburg; it was really interesting. Obviously no children are allowed and there was a clear explanation of the level of explicitness you might see there when you bought your ticket.

The other is a bunch of people in a restaurant wearing t-shirts with offensive slogans on them and dressing up as a giant penis with zero consideration for the other diners who have not been asked if that is OK. The other diners in that restaurant shouldn't have to look at t-shirts that say 'Slag' and 'Whore' on them and be surrounded by penis paraphernalia, because that is not what they would reasonably expect to see in a nice restaurant and they shouldn't really have to put up with that. DP and I along with SIL and BIL took my MIL to a decent restaurant for her birthday recently and I don't think she'd have enjoyed her 80th birthday as much if she'd been facing a table of people whose t-shirts had things like Anal Angela and Slutty Sarah printed on them, to be honest.

So no, not the same thing in a million years. Incredible that this has to be explained, but there you go.

I wonder how the organiser of this tack-fest would react were she dining in an expensive restaurant and a group of noisy stags came in wearing t-shirts with offensive slogans, wearing big breasts etc? Actually she soulnds like the sort of person who would find it amusing!
I doubt the restuarant would allow you in done up like that.

I'm guessing: getting hugely drunk, shouting rude 'amusing' comments from across the room whilst cackling with laughter, then taking her top off to dance on their table ignoring their irritated looks as she kicks over their drinks, before shagging the three who are too drunk to be repulsed by her in the toilets.

I'm betting CowHen is aged 35-65 and a difficult, not very close relative of the bride, who the bride felt she had to invite to the hen do out of politeness in an attempt to avoid family drama.

What are you on about?

All non local hen dos have to get a house, its a nessecity not the entirity of actual do... most go out and do activities (that arent IN the house) in OPs case the spa and resteraunt that are on the estates grounds.

I would be bored to death being stuck in the house on top of each other.

This is bananas and now I'm totally and utterly invested.

What's happening at the hen isn't actually the point of this thread so dunno why people are coming in with the "omg I'd hate that... So tacky" or telling us how amazingly classy you are because you didn't have a willy straw 🙄

The point is 2 grown ass women are squabbling because 1 has decided to completely take over organising a hen do, which is most definitely the job of the bridesmaids! OP do not suggest backing out of the hen. You go on about how you are closer to the bride than cowhen. Channel that energy into sorting this ridiculous school yard drama out and organising a stress free weekend for your friend! If you back out, you will let your so called best friend down, and on a side note you would let cowhen win! 😂

OP has said cowhen is an old co-worker that bride worked with for 2 years but that was over 5 years ago.

This definitely needs to be sent in the original group! Maybe add Cowhen back into it in the hopes the other group dies a death. Or, send a screenshot to her on WA of what you've said on the chat so she can't accuse you of excluding her, even though she's done that to you.

It sounds to me like Cowhen is miffed about not being a bridesmaid so is dominating the plans so she can get all the glory and praise for planning such a "fun" and "hilarious" weekend. She keeps saying it's "about the bride" but it seems very clear she's making it all about herself. WHO buys anything without checking with the group first?! Ruuuuuude.

Eagerly awaiting 7pm!

I think you have done the right thing by telling the Bride. I would want to know if it were me.

I cannot believe she started a new chat and said you weren't going. Easily found out that she's completely lying! She will look a right psycho!

Other Bridesmaid seems a bit useless really! Someone needs to tell the other hens not to transfer anymore money until everything is sorted, otherwise they will be out of pocket if cowhen is kicked out of the group. Presumably if that happens you will all have to pay more to cover cowhens share of the house rental too, even if she has to suck up the cost of the tshirts herself (which she clearly should!).

Disagree with @Hangingoninthere88 - the point of hiring a house is to have somewhere to stay all together, and to have somewhere to use as a base. Yes you might spend one night 'in' but I've never heard of (and wouldn't see the point of) just staying in the house for the whole weekend and never leaving it at all! This might have happened in a few hens you've been on but you can't extrapolate from your limited own experience to say that's what generally happens and OP's plan is "odd." I can't think of anything less odd, for a hen do, than going out for a meal, it's pretty much the absolute most basic hen do activity!

I’d continue posting on the original WhatsApp group and explain that at no time have you withdrawn from the hen do! Also explain that you and Cowhen have a difference of opinion on what bride would like and tha5 you suggest the tacky stuff is kept to private celebrations and ditched for rhe nice posh dinner bride is looking forward to. Explain you won’t expect anyone to stump up for costs incurred by anyone without consulting first. Cowhen is a piece of work.

I find it really odd that you are both good friends with her but have such different views about what she'd like. I would have a discrete word with bride without slagging off the other hen, find out what she wants, and assuming it's not a penis outfit you can then be firm...safe in the knowledge that it's what your friend wants. Not sure if it's a bit late now.

I don't think you are unreasonable but I'll be honest and say you do sound a bit superior though. I mean I wouldn't put a cock outfit on for a fancy restaurant but surely a little bit of penis paraphernalia is fine. She came out of the group so you could arrange surprises. Not really sure what types of other surprises their are on a hen do to be honest! And the £189 each is also fine IMO (comes across as though this is an issue too).