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Original poster

Really don't want to go on this hen do

734 replies

AngelicaSchuyler1 · 26/08/2022 11:37

Hen do woes...

My best friend is getting married in November.

She has booked a hen weekend for Oct in a city 2 hours from where we live, we are staying in a big house and there's a spa and swimming pool, hot tub, nice restaurant on site etc.

We've all had to pay £189 each to stay in this house for two nights, plus costs of driving there etc.

My friend was originally in the group on FB messenger but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

She has already bought us penis whistles, feather boas, t -shirts with "funny" names on them (e.g. Juicy Jenny, Hannah the Whore, Slaggy Sam) and is insisting we wear them when we eat at the restaurant on the first night. This is a NICE restaurant and not cheap. She has also bought a penis costume and is insisting the bride can wear it to the restaurant and it will be "such a laugh". She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits. And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.

I've never met this other hen before but I already dislike her and she is really putting me off going to the hen weekend. She is really bossy and all of her ideas are tacky and hideous.

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 26/08/2022 15:07

Without sounding petty, I do know Bride better than Cowhen

But that's a very inflexible position. You cannot possibly know this conclusively after two years. Even if you know her better, you won't know all side of her. Chances are you're dead right and she doesn't want the penis stuff and stripper, but it doesn't have to be hardline your way or her way with zero compromise. You could've been more circumspect and checked with Bride before battlelines were drawn. Now it's got into competitive 'I Know Bride Best' which is petty and no one really wins as the weekend is ruined. Best to remember you're both doing your best from your own perspectives and even CowHen thinks she's being a good friend. It shouldn't have come to this.

sunglassesonthetable · 26/08/2022 15:08

It's one thing having a difference on the whole penis/dress up style of stuff ( my idea of hell tbh but other people might like it )
It's quite another to be setting up rogue WA groups and telling the other Hens you're not coming!
It's craaazzzzy.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/08/2022 15:10

Also -

She's an ex colleague FFS. Much as I've had lovely colleagues over the years, I don't keep in touch with many of them at all, let alone have seriously close friendships with them.

Is very easily replaced with -

She's a schoolrun mum friend FFC. Much as I've had lovely schoolrun mum friends over the years, I don't keep in touch with many of them at all etc etc.

Who knows what her friendship with CowHen was after they'd been colleagues for two years, they could have been as close as OP. Or not - we can't possibly know, but I wouldn't assume the current incarnation of Bride is all there is to her.

AlexTheBird · 26/08/2022 15:11

Think that's a bit harsh @Pinkdelight3
OP is just trying to make sure the bride has the hen do she wants and Cowhen has brought all the hijacking, drama llamaing and batshittery behaviour. I think OP has been very measured and as flexible as possible here TBH...

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 26/08/2022 15:13

You need to pull rank as bridesmaid here or tell your friend. She has picked you as a bridesmaid for several reasons, one being to advocate what she will like or things like this.

ChestyLaRue21 · 26/08/2022 15:13

Could you call the hotel restaurant and check if they’d even allow the T-shirts and costume?

sunglassesonthetable · 26/08/2022 15:15

Who knows what her friendship with CowHen was after they'd been colleagues for two years, they could have been as close as OP. Or not - we can't possibly know, but I wouldn't assume the current incarnation of Bride is all there is to her.

But ultimately it was OP she chose as her bridesmaid. NOT cowhen.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/08/2022 15:15

Not saying CowHen isn't wrong about Bride or about how she's handled it. Just that it shouldn't have come to this and there are always two sides, so it's never going to end well by shutting someone down. OP's initial instinct was that she didn't want to go on a hen night like that, so it would've made sense to go with that angle - letting Bride know the direction it was going in and that OP was thinking of not going if that's the kind of thing the Bride wanted. Then Bride could've calmed the waters and clarified without anyone fighting with the OP about it.

sunglassesonthetable · 26/08/2022 15:16

That tells you all you need to know.

AlexTheBird · 26/08/2022 15:19

For sure - lets see how Bride handles it now... and I get your point about co-workers being good friends too - that was a bit of a flippant comment from me about ex-colleagues not necessarily being future close friends. All depends on the individuals. I'm getting way too invested in this thread! 😂

hummerbird · 26/08/2022 15:23

If bride chose a classy place she wants and expects a classy do. Not something more suited to a converted garage on a rough estate.

namechangedembarrassing · 26/08/2022 15:23

Please tell the bride. Not a chance I would have worn a penis costume and I would rather have been asked so I could say no (I outlined before I wanted to get glammed up). We had the classic penis theme elsewhere (straws/gift bags) but other than that we all got super glammed up and went out.

sunglassesonthetable · 26/08/2022 15:23

I'm privately raging at CowHen for being such a CF.

namechangedembarrassing · 26/08/2022 15:25

I also think
you know have a bigger problem with this friend essentially attempting to kick you off hen party. If one of my friends had pulled what she has just done re the messaging all the other girls and saying you weren’t going I would have to step in and sort it out. That is nasty and quite shocking if I’m honest.

AlexTheBird · 26/08/2022 15:26

sunglassesonthetable · 26/08/2022 15:23

I'm privately raging at CowHen for being such a CF.

Ditto! WHO DOES THIS? I'm always amazed at some of the posts on here! (And relieved to have lovely people in my life that don't pull crap like this.)

namechangedembarrassing · 26/08/2022 15:26

Ugh **NOW not know

JolieJ · 26/08/2022 15:27

I think at this point I would forego the surprise aspect and ask the bride what she wants. Then everyone will know for sure

comfortablyfrumpy · 26/08/2022 15:27

If you think the bride won't like the stuff this lady has organised, then tell the bride.

Personally I'd be mortified if someone organised that for me, but that's my personal opinion and I appreciate others would enjoy it.

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 26/08/2022 15:27

@AngelicaSchuyler1 I obviously love your username too!
I think hens often plan the night they would like themselves and just won’t see reason. I was in a similar situation where I was a bridesmaid and one of the other guests took over the planning. It was very awkward but, in the end, we just went along with some of the ideas and ignored others.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/08/2022 15:28

She is just one of life’s bulldozers - might be a bit of a twat, or just well meaning but thick. Either way, deal with her as you would a teenager - don’t engage in debate, just lay out the ground rules, and repeat them like a record. Only talk the bride if you absolutely have to, it will spoil her fun to know bridesmaids have been rowing.

I would send a message like this, speak to others in advance if you want, but not in a cliquey way, just in a hey I’m taking control of this way -

Dear X

Thanks for all the ideas, your enthusiasm is great, but the cost of living is shooting up as you know, so please don’t buy anything else without checking with us all first.

We all have different tastes - so as a compromise, fun tees and penis whistles are fine in the house, but not at the restaurant. We don’t want either other diners or some members of our group to feel uncomfortable .

On the same note, we’re going to say no the stripper.

Thanks again - we’re all really looking forward to a great weekend.

Redburnett · 26/08/2022 15:32

The Bride needs to spell out to Cowhen that she does not want a tacky hen do, and she also needs to spell out that you and other BB are the organisers.

AlexTheBird · 26/08/2022 15:33

This is the like the plot to Bridesmaids Two... Do you think Cowhen will buy kittens for everyone that goes to 'The Other Hen Do'?

notanothertakeaway · 26/08/2022 15:33

Be prepared for journalists to pounce on this thread .....

Bride may blame you for allowing the other hen to take over. I think best to ask bride what she wants, to make it easier for you to tell the other hen to back off

Ultimately, no one can force you to wear anything you don't want to. And I suppose it's reasonable for you to refuse to pay for items that you didn't agree to, but be prepared for the hen to refuse to pay for anything you arrange. She might do that out of spite, or offset the costs and pay you the difference

As bridesmaid, you really have to go to the hen weekend

CoconutQueen · 26/08/2022 15:34

OMG this is awful. Does the bride know any of these updates yet or still at work? What will you tell her?

sunglassesonthetable · 26/08/2022 15:34

*Dear X

Thanks for all the ideas, your enthusiasm is great, but the cost of living is shooting up as you know, so please don’t buy anything else without checking with us all first.

We all have different tastes - so as a compromise, fun tees and penis whistles are fine in the house, but not at the restaurant. We don’t want either other diners or some members of our group to feel uncomfortable .

On the same note, we’re going to say no the stripper.

Thanks again - we’re all really looking forward to a great weekend.*

This sounds good. Remember to add in about the penis s costume though.....