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Original poster

Really don't want to go on this hen do

734 replies

AngelicaSchuyler1 · 26/08/2022 11:37

Hen do woes...

My best friend is getting married in November.

She has booked a hen weekend for Oct in a city 2 hours from where we live, we are staying in a big house and there's a spa and swimming pool, hot tub, nice restaurant on site etc.

We've all had to pay £189 each to stay in this house for two nights, plus costs of driving there etc.

My friend was originally in the group on FB messenger but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

She has already bought us penis whistles, feather boas, t -shirts with "funny" names on them (e.g. Juicy Jenny, Hannah the Whore, Slaggy Sam) and is insisting we wear them when we eat at the restaurant on the first night. This is a NICE restaurant and not cheap. She has also bought a penis costume and is insisting the bride can wear it to the restaurant and it will be "such a laugh". She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits. And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.

I've never met this other hen before but I already dislike her and she is really putting me off going to the hen weekend. She is really bossy and all of her ideas are tacky and hideous.

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?

OP posts:
AlexandriasWindmill · 26/08/2022 14:43

Actually we don't know that the bride will find it 'tacky'. We know OP thinks the bride will and that if she asks the question 'do you like tacky rubbish?' - well, that's a loaded question.
I didn't have any of that at my hen but lots of people do and it's not always easy to predict who will like it.
The main point is a group of adults should have been able to resolve this without all the drama. There's too much effort going into a 'I know the bride best' competition and not enough into 'I'll make this effortless for the bride'.

IrisVersicolor · 26/08/2022 14:43

Bride needs to know about Hen weekend hijack asap - she’s the only one who can sort it out.

IrisVersicolor · 26/08/2022 14:44

AlexandriasWindmill · 26/08/2022 14:43

Actually we don't know that the bride will find it 'tacky'. We know OP thinks the bride will and that if she asks the question 'do you like tacky rubbish?' - well, that's a loaded question.
I didn't have any of that at my hen but lots of people do and it's not always easy to predict who will like it.
The main point is a group of adults should have been able to resolve this without all the drama. There's too much effort going into a 'I know the bride best' competition and not enough into 'I'll make this effortless for the bride'.

You can’t make it effortless for the bride in the circumstances.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/08/2022 14:44

I feel so sad for the bride. You should all have been able to organise a hen do without all this drama and bad feeling. The fact others have transferred money seems to imply they don't find the plans 'tacky'.

I agree with this and am surprised how you feel you know the Bride so much better than everyone else when it's only been two years. She may have other sides to her that these older friends know. Not saying you weren't right to be cautious, but it could've been handled more calmly and with more compromise, without getting confrontational. No one was going to force you to wear anything or to transfer any money and Bride could have spoken up on the night if she didn't want to go along with the crazier stuff. I wouldn't have dragged her into it.

babyjellyfish · 26/08/2022 14:44

AlexandriasWindmill · 26/08/2022 14:39

I feel so sad for the bride. You should all have been able to organise a hen do without all this drama and bad feeling. The fact others have transferred money seems to imply they don't find the plans 'tacky'.

OP you need to dial everything back. Ask the bride what you can do to help smooth everything over. Creating rival groups, etc, asking her not to invite someone - is all childish behaviour. You've helped to put the bride in an impossible position. Now you need to fix it.

I think it's just as likely that they have transferred money because they felt under pressure to do so.

JenniferBarkley · 26/08/2022 14:45

Is she a friend of the bride's from before the bride had children, was the bride wilder pre kids? Wouldn't be the first culture clash between friendship groups from different stages of someone's life.

Whatever the underlying cause, you do need to tell the bride now as she needs to make the call.

The other women in the groups will be getting no work done today at all with all this drama. Grin

Jamaisy82 · 26/08/2022 14:46

Everyone is different but I'd hate that kind of hen do. Don't blame you for not wanting to go.

Original poster
AngelicaSchuyler1 · 26/08/2022 14:50

Pinkdelight3 · 26/08/2022 14:44

I feel so sad for the bride. You should all have been able to organise a hen do without all this drama and bad feeling. The fact others have transferred money seems to imply they don't find the plans 'tacky'.

I agree with this and am surprised how you feel you know the Bride so much better than everyone else when it's only been two years. She may have other sides to her that these older friends know. Not saying you weren't right to be cautious, but it could've been handled more calmly and with more compromise, without getting confrontational. No one was going to force you to wear anything or to transfer any money and Bride could have spoken up on the night if she didn't want to go along with the crazier stuff. I wouldn't have dragged her into it.

Bride and I are very close. We talk every day, live streets away from each and have both said we haven't had such a good friend as each other before. Without sounding petty, I do know Bride better than Cowhen and I also know she booked this hen weekend as she thought it sounded classy and we could all relax at the spa, use the pool / hot tub and have a posh meal. I really, really don't think she would be happy with dressing up as a penis and having her friends wearing t-shirts with vulgar names on.

OP posts:
YouOKHun · 26/08/2022 14:51

I’d have a word with the bride and say “Bride, are you happy to wear a penis costume in a smart restaurant?” It’s pretty certain she will be horrified and I think it’s time for the bride to rejoin any group and say “thanks for all your efforts so far. I’m rejoining the group because I know there is a bit of confusion about the sort of thing I’d enjoy so I will just say that I really just want a lovely evening with my friends and absolutely no hen themed stuff or penis-shaped anything”. It needs to come from her so there can be no doubt

If the bride is on the group and says “CowHen is right, I’d absolutely love to dress up as a giant dick and get barred from entering the restaurant” then you’ll have to think again @AngelicaSchuyler1 !

ThirteenLuckyForSome · 26/08/2022 14:51

I'm not sure it's up to you to univite people as much as her doing all this probably isn't what the bride wanted. The other hen should have checked what everyone was happy to do and let the group decide before buying anything.

If you are a school mum pal you will probably know a different version of her to her old work pal. School mum me is very different to me with my close long standing friends. Not defending what this woman has done but chances are she was probably up for a laugh and in on filthy jokes when she worked with her, I don't think you have the same banter with someone you see dropping your kids off at school, i certainly don't.

TeddyTonks · 26/08/2022 14:52

Ugh, oh dear. Poor bride and poor you. Other hen is bat shit.

mountainsunsets · 26/08/2022 14:53

The fact others have transferred money seems to imply they don't find the plans 'tacky'

Not necessarily. Maybe they're sick of the drama/arguments and just paid to get the other lady to STFU.

sunglassesonthetable · 26/08/2022 14:56

The fact others have transferred money seems to imply they don't find the plans 'tacky'

Not really some people are all about an easy life. And CowHen is very dominating.

Michellebops · 26/08/2022 14:57

I'm actually sweating here reading all that.

This crazy bitch needs putting in her place by the bride.

You have tried your best.

It is the role of the bridesmaids to organise the hen do as you know. Not some crazy chick

I really hope the bride holds up for you

JenniferBarkley · 26/08/2022 14:59

I think the only way to salvage the situation is to ask the bride in as neutral a fashion as possible whether she wants to wear nice dresses or go the t-shirts and previous straws route for the dinner. Then if she answers strongly in favour of one or the other you have somewhere to go, and if not then you might need to tell her more.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 26/08/2022 14:59

Does Cowhen's name start with a D @AngelicaSchuyler1

Peashoots · 26/08/2022 14:59

ThirteenLuckyForSome · 26/08/2022 14:51

I'm not sure it's up to you to univite people as much as her doing all this probably isn't what the bride wanted. The other hen should have checked what everyone was happy to do and let the group decide before buying anything.

If you are a school mum pal you will probably know a different version of her to her old work pal. School mum me is very different to me with my close long standing friends. Not defending what this woman has done but chances are she was probably up for a laugh and in on filthy jokes when she worked with her, I don't think you have the same banter with someone you see dropping your kids off at school, i certainly don't.

Absolutely agree with this. I’m inviting cowhen (as batshit as she sounds) is massively overstepping the mark.

Lunabun · 26/08/2022 15:00

Oh wow op that's quite the update!!! Cowhen sounds like a piece of work.

SharpLily · 26/08/2022 15:03

The easiest way around it seems to be to contact the venue, explain what CowHen is planning and confirm the group will NOT be allowed in. Pas that message on and CowHen doesn't have any choice but to back down.

Lcb123 · 26/08/2022 15:03

Tell the bride. I recently had my own hen weekend and I wouldn't have wanted any of that stuff, I would have been so embarrassed. Mine was only partially a surprise but I would have been very grateful if someone told me in advance if this sort of thing was being planned!

AlexTheBird · 26/08/2022 15:03

Thanks for keeping us updated @AngelicaSchuyler1 - I really feel for you. This is seventh shades of hell hen do shenanigans!

You don't need to defend your friendship with the bride - you're clearly very close and sometimes the best friendships come along at different stages in your life. She's an ex colleague FFS. Much as I've had lovely colleagues over the years, I don't keep in touch with many of them at all, let alone have seriously close friendships with them.

Also - for those that said the people have paid might be up for the tackiness. Not necessarily. I'm one of those 'MUST PAY IMMEDIATELY' types if Im asked for money for group events like hen dos. I don't like to leave people waiting, regardless of how clearly batshit they are....

AlexForrestBunny · 26/08/2022 15:04

Bloody hell- this is exactly why I didn’t want a big hen weekend!
what the other hen organised sounded awful but what’s worse is the weekend sounds ruined as it’s going to be full of drama.
surely the only person able to uninvite is the actual bride?
think as silly as it sounds the bride is going to have to get involved to actually call who is organising the hen weekend and if things can’t be smoothed over between both then one should back out.. nothing worse than drunken drama on a hen weekend!

LavenderfortheBees · 26/08/2022 15:05

At this point you have to update the bride on what is going on. Do it in person.

Comefromaway · 26/08/2022 15:05

I've only just clocked your username by the way Angelica.

You need to channel the bolshiness of the real/fictional Angelica and make it WORK!

diddl · 26/08/2022 15:07

Glittertwins · 26/08/2022 14:39

I think it's a decision for the bride on whether cowhen's invitation is retracted.

Absolutely!

She obviously waaay overstepped by lying to the others that you were no longer going & was wrong to buy stuff without checking first & expect payment.

Until then though it was a difference of opinion as to what the bride would like.

Maybe there are bits of it that she would be OK with?