Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really don't want to go on this hen do

734 replies

AngelicaSchuyler1 · 26/08/2022 11:37

Hen do woes...

My best friend is getting married in November.

She has booked a hen weekend for Oct in a city 2 hours from where we live, we are staying in a big house and there's a spa and swimming pool, hot tub, nice restaurant on site etc.

We've all had to pay £189 each to stay in this house for two nights, plus costs of driving there etc.

My friend was originally in the group on FB messenger but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

She has already bought us penis whistles, feather boas, t -shirts with "funny" names on them (e.g. Juicy Jenny, Hannah the Whore, Slaggy Sam) and is insisting we wear them when we eat at the restaurant on the first night. This is a NICE restaurant and not cheap. She has also bought a penis costume and is insisting the bride can wear it to the restaurant and it will be "such a laugh". She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits. And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.

I've never met this other hen before but I already dislike her and she is really putting me off going to the hen weekend. She is really bossy and all of her ideas are tacky and hideous.

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelicaSchuyler1 · 26/08/2022 14:31

CowHen is an old work colleague of Bride. They've known each other about seven years. They don't work together anymore and haven't for 5 years and live in different cities now but have kept in touch.

I think she feels a bit threatened because I have only known bride two years but we met on the school run and have been inseparable ever since. She is my closest friend and helped me through my post natal depression about a year ago.

CowHen has now blocked me on FB and two of the other hens have already bank transferred her the money for the tat 😩
Am I out of line to suggest to Bride that CowHen doesn't come at all? The atmosphere is going to be awful if she does.

OP posts:
Leftbutcameback · 26/08/2022 14:33

OMG that escalated quickly! On the plus side it's made it clear who is in the wrong here. I suspect she'll go away now and not be interested anymore. You do need to let the bride know a bit about it tho, just not all the details

Bretonbear · 26/08/2022 14:33

The others need to leave the new group immediately.

MichelleScarn · 26/08/2022 14:33

I cant believe 2 people have actually given her money!!

ILoveRumblyRabbit · 26/08/2022 14:33

Cowhen is a crazy cowhenzilla. The bride literally handed over an already arranged hen do which set the tone for what she wanted, bar for some little extras to be added by her friends. I hope cowhen gets the boot!

YellowTreeHouse · 26/08/2022 14:34

I would explain to the Bride exactly what CowHen has done and see what she says.

I would remove CowHen from
the original group and post screenshots of all conversations you have had and explain the situation.

Peashoots · 26/08/2022 14:34

I wouldn’t suggest that personally- it needs to be the brides decision alone. Give her all the facts and show her the messages, she will draw her own conclusions.
what do the other hens think? I know some have sent money, but have any of them expressed an opinion on cow hen to you?

Leftbutcameback · 26/08/2022 14:35

btw I think you were 100% right about the tone of it all OP. I've been to those type of hens and whilst we had a game of Mr and Mrs and a few penis straws it was otherwise very tame and what the bride wanted. Spa, nice food and drink, no strippers or costumes.

Bretonbear · 26/08/2022 14:36

Why on earth have others handed money over to her? I'd be livid if someone decided to spend money on tat like that and then ask me, without asking first, to cough up.

ChaToilLeam · 26/08/2022 14:36

Bride needs to know now. She can deal with CowHen.

ddl1 · 26/08/2022 14:36

She sounds horrible - and apart from being nasty to you, could really spoil things for the bride. I am glad you are telling the bride.

Lunificent · 26/08/2022 14:37

I think the others will kowtow to the one they perceive has most power in the situation, so even though to you she appears unhinged, they will likely go along with what she asks for.
Good doesn’t always triumph over evil. She will win. Therefore, I would bow out of the hen thing. You can’t go anyway, she’ll make it so u comfortable for you.

Poshjock · 26/08/2022 14:37

Something similar happened at my nephew's wedding. His financee set up a WhatsApp Group, arranged a spa hotel with spa access, cocktail making lesson then dinner at restaurant, costs were laid out and everyone invited to attend any or all of the activities. She then left the group - she told me she didn't want the stress of messages back and forward and minute of people's arrangements, she just wanted to turn up on the day and celebrate with those who came. Except it all went a bit odd on the Group with a couple of henzillas that wanted to add on bells and -penis-whistles. My neice is close with the SIL-to-be and got quite upset at what she knew was not what fiancee wanted and felt she had to tell her. Financee got added back into WA Group and pulled it all back into line. She told me that it was uncomfortable doing it and was a stress she didn't want but she absolutely didn't like the direction the hen was going so had to suck it up to get the day she really wanted. It turned out great on the day and the wedding was similarly wonderful.

mummabubs · 26/08/2022 14:37

Honestly this hen would have been my idea of a nightmare. I'd go as far as to say I'd find a male stripper to be a genuinely traumatising experience. Thankfully my sisters organised mine, I was very clear about hating all the penis stuff and they respected it. Do you think your friend would like it OP? Personally I'd only warn her if you absolutely know she wouldn't want any of that. Sounds like some of the other hens feel the same way about having reservations?

KettrickenSmiled · 26/08/2022 14:37

Am I out of line to suggest to Bride that CowHen doesn't come at all? The atmosphere is going to be awful if she does.

Of course you're not.
CowHen tried to oust you - the bridesmaid & best friend - from friend's own hen do! If someone did that to a good mate of mine, I'd sack 'em off without compunction.

Also do as PP suggests upthread & contact all venues & any event staff, saying instructions are ONLY to come through you & Other Bridesmaid. CowHen has form for underhand manoeuvres & she clearly is not thinking of what the bride wants - just trying to take over & dictate what SHE would want.

It's a shame other attendees have paid CowHen, but that's their own problem. They must have know that the bride would dislike all that stuff.
I wouldn't be surprised if she's spent nothing like the sum she is claiming, & is just looking to ''make' on the tat.

AlexandriasWindmill · 26/08/2022 14:39

I feel so sad for the bride. You should all have been able to organise a hen do without all this drama and bad feeling. The fact others have transferred money seems to imply they don't find the plans 'tacky'.

OP you need to dial everything back. Ask the bride what you can do to help smooth everything over. Creating rival groups, etc, asking her not to invite someone - is all childish behaviour. You've helped to put the bride in an impossible position. Now you need to fix it.

Glittertwins · 26/08/2022 14:39

I think it's a decision for the bride on whether cowhen's invitation is retracted.

DiscoBadgers · 26/08/2022 14:40

Christ, penis straws must have got more pricey since I last went on a hen!

EddyF · 26/08/2022 14:40

I’m invested in this story so I will be back, lol.

KettrickenSmiled · 26/08/2022 14:40

The fact others have transferred money seems to imply they don't find the plans 'tacky'.

Immaterial. The bride will.

Tamworthian · 26/08/2022 14:41

She sounds pretty awful, but if you’re not careful, the bride will end up trapped between you both over something that she might not have been that bothered about (vs an almighty fall out.) Not that I wouldn’t have a similar opinion to you though.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/08/2022 14:41

This sounds like hell.

Have a word with the bride and ask her exactly what she wants. Then impose that on the group as her best friend. Also, there are very few restaurants will let you in dressed like that.

babyjellyfish · 26/08/2022 14:42

Woah! She's absolutely batshit!

Message the whole group and say something like this:

"Hi hens, apologies for the confusion. I have definitely NOT dropped out of the hen do. Cowhen and I have had a difference of opinion about what surprises Bride would like and what we should be spending our money on, particularly the T-shirts and the stripper. Please do not transfer any money until we have resolved the issue, as we don't want any of you to be out of pocket. Thank you for your patience!"

Then I think unfortunately you probably do need to involve the bride.

I'd say something like this:

"Hi Bride, really sorry to bother you but our hen do planning has taken rather an unexpected turn. Cowhen wanted to take things in a very different direction to the rest of the group, and when I put my foot down she created a new group and told everyone else I'd dropped out of the hen do, which obviously isn't true. I hate to involve you in this because all we want is for you to have a nice time, but how do you want us to handle this? My feeling is that Cowhen should either go along with what everyone else wants to do, or not come."

dressupinyou · 26/08/2022 14:43

Hollywolly1 · 26/08/2022 14:16

Drop out

Absolutely not!

babyjellyfish · 26/08/2022 14:43

How many hens are there in total, by the way?

Swipe left for the next trending thread