Huge row with partner, want to leave

[sameshitdifferentdayffs]

Firstly, sorry this is long.

Hoping I don’t regret posting this as my mental health is really poor at the moment and I’m not sure I’m robust enough for it, but I’m really struggling to see whether/ if I am in the wrong here, so wanted to post.

The background context is I’ve had a really long, slow recovery from severe PND over the past 16 months and still not 100% at times (PTSD, flashbacks to the birth, thoughts of being a terrible mother and better off dead, etc), and also recent family bereavement which I have not yet processed or come to terms with.

A recent argument with DP was as follows, I'm just looking for outside opinions :

I get up at 6am every morning to shower, sort my lunch, and sort my breakfast. DP needs less time than I do to get ready, his commute is significantly shorter, and he doesn’t do the nursery drop offs, so our agreement is that DP will make sure DD (16 months) is up and dressed by 6.30am_ latest as then, when I am ready, I can take over and sort her breakfast out before taking her to nursery (I do all drop offs and pick ups on way to work). I need DD to be ready to leave the house by 7.10am_ otherwise it impacts my morning and I’m late for work. DP knows this, we’ve had so many conversations about the same thing. He knows that I need her up and ready by 6.30am otherwise it makes me late.

On this particular morning I showered, dressed, had my breakfast, made my lunch etc between 6-6.30_ (as I usually do), on the understanding that DP would get DD up and dressed in time for me to take over at 6.30am_. At 6.35am_ he was still lying in bed and DD still in her cot. I went in and said “please can you get her up now, otherwise I’m going to be late”. He said yes, so I went back downstairs to finish off what I was doing. He then proceeded to go into the bathroom. I had no idea how long he was going to be and it was now approaching 6.40am_, so I went upstairs to wake DD and started to get her ready myself. He then emerges from the bathroom as I’m dressing her, saying grumpily “ I was just about to do that”. I replied “It’s fine I had to do it otherwise I’m going to be late”. He went downstairs. I followed – hurriedly as I’m now behind – and put DD in her highchair for breakfast. DP was in the kitchen. I said nothing to him, I was just focussed on getting DD sorted so I could get to work on time. I deliberately said nothing because I didn’t have the head space or emotional energy for an argument. He looked at me and said snarkily, “will you just calm down”.

Trying to remain as calm as possible, I said “Please don’t tell me to calm down. I am rushing because I am going to be late. If you helped me, I wouldn’t be stressed and rushing”. He still offered no help, and just snapped back “well I was going to get her dressed but you took over”. I replied “I don’t want to argue, I just want to get her ready as quickly as possible so I’m not late. I’ve said before that she needs to be up by 6.30 so I can get out of the house on time. She wasn’t up and it was 6.40 – so I needed to get her up myself.”

Anyway he went into a huge strop and starting muttering under his breath about how I’m “the reason this relationship is failing” and I need to “take a look at myself”. He then starts doing dramatic cuddles and goodbye kisses with DD in her highchair while I stand sobbing in the kitchen saying “I really didn’t need this argument this morning, I just wanted to get her ready. Why have you caused this argument?” He then started saying she didn’t need to be up at 6.30m and he was letting her “have a lie in”. I’ve told him time and time again that this doesn’t work because I need to be out of the house on time with her! He has the luxury of leaving the house without having to think of dropping a child off – this doesn’t impact his working day or commute in any way at all. It impacts mine. I’ve told him this so many times and he’s previously agreed to make sure she’s up on time to make my morning run more smoothly considering I have an hour commute plus the drop off, whereas he does not. If DD isn’t ready at 7.10am, he will just leave the house regardless – he won’t hang around to help me. So it doesn’t affect his morning at all. I’ll be the one stuck at home late for work, sorting her out. Yet it’s like those many conversations just never happened because he’s decided to “let her lie in”. At that point he just left for work and refused to apologise for his snarky "calm down" comment which only inflamed everything instead of helping.

I am seriously re-evaluating the relationship and I genuinely want to leave him. I have cried so much over the whole thing. I’m in a bad place mentally. All I wanted to do was get my daughter ready on time because as the person who does the drop offs before work and with an hour’s commute each way, it really impacts my day if she is not up and ready on time. He knows this. Then he tells me to “calm down” when I’m rushing because he hasn’t got her up on time. Instead of asking what he can do to help, for example.

I need some perspective here. I’m ready to walk because I’m so done.

I didn't say he worked 5 days a week. But yes long shifts and lots of weekend work, a lot of which is overtime

A few things here - first of all get your lunch ready the night before and have your bag packed - less you need to do in the morning the better!

Make breakfast easier - what are you giving your daughter? I give mine a few banana pancakes that i batch make and stick in the freezer - i literally blast them in the microwave for 10 seconds and give her those or a slice of toast - or a banana she gets breakfast at nursery anyway! so i don't stress it

I leave the clothes out for my daughter night before also!

I do all drop off and pick ups to as its near my work - but my husband does breakfast and gets her changed and dressed and gets us out the door!

I think the problem here is he needs to get up a little earlier than you to have his shower done before he gets daughter up and he can then also do her breakfast

Really he just needs to get up slightly earlier and have his shower before your child is even awake then the morning is way easier

He sounds like a bully. Do you love him?

Not anymore I don't think

I just want to agree with those giving practical advice... Do you have to go to a nursery so far away? Is there a childminder? 6am just does feel ridiculously early to be waking up, you're probably killing each other from tiredness!
Ideally, you need childcare in a 10mins range, then she can wake up at 7am, eat Shreddies in the car or when they serve breakfast there. Make your lives easier x

Your mental health would probably improve if you weren't living with a bully who deliberately sabotages your day from the moment you wake up then punishes you.

I'd be too anxious to sleep living in that environment too. You need to feel safe for PTSD to heal, this doesn't sound like it leaves you feeling safe either in your home or the relationship?

Right. A bully that you don’t love is no life.

what worries you about leaving him?

What’s your housing situation? Do you own or rent? If you own is it joint?

do you have family support nearby?

He sounds absolutely horrible, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with his shit on top of your mental health issues.

first and foremost I would try and get signed off for a few weeks, as a pp said. Give yourself some time to catch your breath and reduce your burnout. And think about how to get out of this relationship. He doesn’t sound kind, caring or a good partner. You sound like you would be much happier without him in your life, making you walk on egg shells and feel even shittier. The silent treatment is so bang out of order. I’m so sorry

His behaviour is abusive. His stonewalling and fuming is ensuring he always has the power, and the fact you feel you have to modify your behaviour to placate him is a classic sign of an abusive dynamic.

you need to do what he does. Leave for days on end and refuse to answer his texts or calls. Take the power back. Can you go and stay with a friend or relative with your DD for a few days while you work out the logistics of leaving permanently? Just keep reminding yourself, he is not the boss of you, he does not get the final say on everyone’s schedules, his work is not more important, his fuming and silent treatment do not mean he gets to call the shots. I understand how you’ve fallen into this dynamic but you need to get out of it. It must be damaging your already fragile mental health.

Its all very well giving practical advice, but if you are living with a bully they force you to constantly think one step ahead and its exhausting. If you manage to find a solution to their fuckwittery they just start making a fuss about something else.

OP is not the problem in this scenario. You can't force another adult to behave like a decent human. Its also common for abusers to ramp up during pregnancy and after the birth, so what OP is seeing now is how her DH really is. Mr Nice was for the honeymoon period, now he is showing his true colours.

YANBU. When both parents work the mornings need to be fairly regimented or it doesn't work. He's not being a team player and I'd be really pissed off too.

Your DH sounds awful but I still think you’re making your own life hard with the long breakfast, OP. Give her something in the car. Your DH problem is a different matter but you’re getting lots of advice there

Memory processing is suspended while our brain is in a "threat" state. Which means the traumatic memories cannot be processed and the PTSD stays stuck, because as far as your brain is concerned those traumatic experiences are still live events in the present not past events in memory.

Nevermind that hypervigilance etc cannot reduce while you are living in a threat state because his behaviour leaves you on edge, wondering when he's next going to sabotage you or blow up at you.

It's no wonder you're struggling.

Change her nursery to one he can do on his commute, drop the extra breakfast.

I bet your mental health issues and PND has been massively exacerbated, if not caused by his self importance, disrespect to your career and role, and lack of reliable support.
Its a scary place to be when you realise the buck absolutely stops with you. If you dont do it, he wont, and yet you know you havent been well and still arent.

I do feel for you. Youve tried so hard to communicate with him clearly and calmly about your needs, but he doesnt seem to take it seriously. Then hes all passive aggressive taking his time, trying to make you late and then poking you into an argument when you are very clear you dont want one. You are frightened to have conflict with him, but hes not frightened to start it with you. In fact he likes it.

Im not surprised youre feeling ready to walk. I would be too.
Relationships ending isnt always dramatic. Its often the drip drip drip of disrespect that kills love.

Honestly I think it sounds like you just need to change the dynamic in the morning. So maybe you get up at 6.15, wake up daughter at 6.45, get her dressed and ready get in car and give her breakfast in the car, like a banana, while you drive to work.

then as he does nothing for pick up or drop offs, he either gets more bedtimes or he gets more household chores. Something he actually will do, but also something that doesn’t make you late for work if he’s not done it in time.

I think you sound angry at having to do the bulk of the childcare, which is natural, however it covers up the real issue - you are doing too much and he has capacity to do more.

Whatever you do, please don’t go straight for the end of the relationship when it’s clear you’ve had such a traumatic time since giving birth. The stress and emotional turmoil of a separation won’t necessarily make it all better, nor will it necessarily mean that you feel more supported. Just take your time, go to the GP for a sick note like a previous poster said, time off work with kiddo in nursery so you can rest might help you right now.

@JustLyra

It worries me that I wouldn't be a good mum juggling everything by myself and working full time. It worries me that I would be breaking up our little family and she wouldn't see her dad every day. It worries me that he would find a way to avoid paying maintenance and leave me financially screwed. Family are supportive but far away (3 hours drive). House privately rented, joint tenancy.

The only perspective you need is a view of a house without him in it. He's abusive. He knows when you need to be ready to leave and what you've chatted about and he KNOWS yours health history. He's doing this on PURPOSE. Cut the dead weight loose before he drags you down again. You are doing everything anyway so what use is he.

If you put him in the same situation he puts you (late and stressed) he'd create WWII, but expects you to do it with a smile?

Absolutely fuck that. That's not a decent relationship; that's sharing a home with a massive dickhead. I'd dump the cunt after deliberately leaving the house early (and him late for work).

You’re already juggling everything yourself. You’d be much calmer when you’re on your own because you wouldn’t have another person messing you around or making your life more difficult.

In reality with his long hours, late nights and time away how much does he see her every day? And how much of that time is quality time?

You’ve got a job warning considerably more than the national average - that shows that you’re not incapable. You absolutely would manage.

and from everything you’ve said I suspect you’d be like me when I split with my ex… Somehow being alone with 7 month old twins was actually easier than having him around all the time.

Is he self employed or work for an employer?

This :( I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP.

You mentioned you’re on the waitlist for therapy, are you taking any medication to help tide you over in the meantime?

I think that the most important thing for you to do right now is to get on top of your own mental health - take as many shortcuts as you need to de-stress and make your life is as easy as possible, including making the morning routine more simple (squeezey yoghurt & Ella’s pouch in the car, drop her off in PJs with a change of clothes even?!), get some anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds if appropriate, to help bolster you until you can get back into therapy / counselling, maybe try to drop down to 4 days a week at work temporarily or see if you can do some form of flexible working arrangement…

Basically, do as much as you can to create the space for you to work on your own mental health…. Your DH is very likely emotionally abusive, and you need to build your own self esteem and capacity back up so you can see things more clearly. He is making you feel rubbish and like it all your fault - IT’S NOT, but you won’t have the strength to do anything about this situation while you’re at breaking point

Is he police or something similar??

Gosh, this is an exhausting thread just to read, never mind live your situation. OP, I am sorry, I was married to a man who made no effort to do his share on childcare and support the routines that enabled me to combine childcare and working full -time. And who bullied me similarly, with sulks and strops, and worse, so that it was easier to just do it all. That situation ended, thank god.

You've explained how he cannot do drop-offs or pick-ups because his shift pattern won't permit it, and it is a rigid pattern. Presumably, if he's not there at the start of the shift, a colleague coming off shift can't leave? Hence the trouble at work? Well, I'm sorry to say, since you plainly are distressed at the consequences for a peaceable home life, the only way to deal with this is to leave the house if your daughter isn't up at the time she needs to be, as agreed, so he has to take her to nursery that day. Get a second car seat and put it in his car, if you haven't one already. I am sure that it won't have to happen more than once for him to keep up his end of the routine, since the impact is not just on him at work, but colleagues. He accepts the need to be part of a team at work, and fit in, he just has to the same at home!

I would try and adopt some of these suggestions (brioche-based breakfast for the journey, clothes and packed bags all done the night before and sitting in the hall) because with the best will in the world (and you are not operating with your husband's best will at present) there will always be hiccups, and it's really, really better to be able to roll with those and pivot at short notice if need be e.g. you like her to have a breakfast before she goes, but sometimes a breakfast in the car works better if everyone overslept and the house is rushed. If she poos her nappy during the journey as a result, the nursery staff have seen it all before and won't bat an eye.

The thing is, these tight routines don't stop - there will be school (shorter days than nursery, and longer holidays), after-school and weekend activities. If you don't get your husband to step up and do his share now, you are going to be doing the lot for years to come. I can say from experience that is a better option than living with a selfish idiot who won't pull his weight, but you may well want to have a good go at making your husband step up before you decide to go it alone.

Frankly, if his response is to leave the house and not come home or respond to texts and calls, then that sort of tells you the kind of parent he plans to be. You could let him know that if he exercises his option to do that, you will be exercising your option to end the marriage. It sounds very hard at present, and honestly, I wouldn't want to lay money on the outcome.

This is emotional abuse.

Yes