Huge row with partner, want to leave

[sameshitdifferentdayffs]

Firstly, sorry this is long.

Hoping I don’t regret posting this as my mental health is really poor at the moment and I’m not sure I’m robust enough for it, but I’m really struggling to see whether/ if I am in the wrong here, so wanted to post.

The background context is I’ve had a really long, slow recovery from severe PND over the past 16 months and still not 100% at times (PTSD, flashbacks to the birth, thoughts of being a terrible mother and better off dead, etc), and also recent family bereavement which I have not yet processed or come to terms with.

A recent argument with DP was as follows, I'm just looking for outside opinions :

I get up at 6am every morning to shower, sort my lunch, and sort my breakfast. DP needs less time than I do to get ready, his commute is significantly shorter, and he doesn’t do the nursery drop offs, so our agreement is that DP will make sure DD (16 months) is up and dressed by 6.30am_ latest as then, when I am ready, I can take over and sort her breakfast out before taking her to nursery (I do all drop offs and pick ups on way to work). I need DD to be ready to leave the house by 7.10am_ otherwise it impacts my morning and I’m late for work. DP knows this, we’ve had so many conversations about the same thing. He knows that I need her up and ready by 6.30am otherwise it makes me late.

On this particular morning I showered, dressed, had my breakfast, made my lunch etc between 6-6.30_ (as I usually do), on the understanding that DP would get DD up and dressed in time for me to take over at 6.30am_. At 6.35am_ he was still lying in bed and DD still in her cot. I went in and said “please can you get her up now, otherwise I’m going to be late”. He said yes, so I went back downstairs to finish off what I was doing. He then proceeded to go into the bathroom. I had no idea how long he was going to be and it was now approaching 6.40am_, so I went upstairs to wake DD and started to get her ready myself. He then emerges from the bathroom as I’m dressing her, saying grumpily “ I was just about to do that”. I replied “It’s fine I had to do it otherwise I’m going to be late”. He went downstairs. I followed – hurriedly as I’m now behind – and put DD in her highchair for breakfast. DP was in the kitchen. I said nothing to him, I was just focussed on getting DD sorted so I could get to work on time. I deliberately said nothing because I didn’t have the head space or emotional energy for an argument. He looked at me and said snarkily, “will you just calm down”.

Trying to remain as calm as possible, I said “Please don’t tell me to calm down. I am rushing because I am going to be late. If you helped me, I wouldn’t be stressed and rushing”. He still offered no help, and just snapped back “well I was going to get her dressed but you took over”. I replied “I don’t want to argue, I just want to get her ready as quickly as possible so I’m not late. I’ve said before that she needs to be up by 6.30 so I can get out of the house on time. She wasn’t up and it was 6.40 – so I needed to get her up myself.”

Anyway he went into a huge strop and starting muttering under his breath about how I’m “the reason this relationship is failing” and I need to “take a look at myself”. He then starts doing dramatic cuddles and goodbye kisses with DD in her highchair while I stand sobbing in the kitchen saying “I really didn’t need this argument this morning, I just wanted to get her ready. Why have you caused this argument?” He then started saying she didn’t need to be up at 6.30m and he was letting her “have a lie in”. I’ve told him time and time again that this doesn’t work because I need to be out of the house on time with her! He has the luxury of leaving the house without having to think of dropping a child off – this doesn’t impact his working day or commute in any way at all. It impacts mine. I’ve told him this so many times and he’s previously agreed to make sure she’s up on time to make my morning run more smoothly considering I have an hour commute plus the drop off, whereas he does not. If DD isn’t ready at 7.10am, he will just leave the house regardless – he won’t hang around to help me. So it doesn’t affect his morning at all. I’ll be the one stuck at home late for work, sorting her out. Yet it’s like those many conversations just never happened because he’s decided to “let her lie in”. At that point he just left for work and refused to apologise for his snarky "calm down" comment which only inflamed everything instead of helping.

I am seriously re-evaluating the relationship and I genuinely want to leave him. I have cried so much over the whole thing. I’m in a bad place mentally. All I wanted to do was get my daughter ready on time because as the person who does the drop offs before work and with an hour’s commute each way, it really impacts my day if she is not up and ready on time. He knows this. Then he tells me to “calm down” when I’m rushing because he hasn’t got her up on time. Instead of asking what he can do to help, for example.

I need some perspective here. I’m ready to walk because I’m so done.

Agree with the PP above. I was going to suggest that you sit down with him and tell him how it will be when when you are living separately but think it would be easier to just do it without mentioning it to him. There is no need if he won't talk to you anyway, you can just get on with doing what you wish to.

Your life will be so much less stressful without him around. He will have to pull his weight when it is his contact time with his DD and won't be able to walk out as there will be no-one he can leave her with. You can then have your time with her organised and calm so you are on time for things which you sound very capable of doing.

You'll need to take everything that is yours with you when you go to your parents in case he turns nasty and damages your things.

In answer to your own worries:

It worries me that I wouldn't be a good mum juggling everything by myself and working full time.
Don't worry, you will cope so much better without the uncertainty that his behaviour causes. There will be less stress as you won't be worrying about his reactions all the time

It worries me that I would be breaking up our little family and she wouldn't see her dad every day.
This is not on you as it is not you who has created this situation. Her Dad needs to grow up and step up but you can't make him do this or even be there for her at the weekends. It will be up to him to want contact with her and make the effort.

It worries me that he would find a way to avoid paying maintenance and leave me financially screwed.
Make sure you do this officially through CMS/courts with agreed contact time and amounts. Before you go, try to take a copy of his pay and normal hours he works just in case he is a bit loose with the truth. He won't be able to go for 50/50 given the hours and shifts he does so ignore any threats like that. Set up a new email address just for contact with him and keep discussions limited to your DD only. Everything else goes via solicitors.

When you have got out consider looking to moving to live nearer to the nursery or your work. His job is not more important than yours. Yours is vital as it is what you will need to live on and to progress your career.

Good luck.

This is cruelty of the highest order. I think it’s him that has caused your mental health the suffer rather than some out factor of PND.

Here’s a definition of cruelty within a marriage:

Mental cruelty means a course of unprovoked and abusive misconduct towards one's spouse, causing unendurable humiliation, distress and miseries so it impairs the complainant's physical and mental health and it makes it impractical for the complainant to maintain the marital status.

Please get out and save yourself before your mental and physical health deteriorate further. Your daughter will be sending your distress. This is a delicate time, under 3, when their entire future personality is being formed. Don’t install anxiety as a lifelong gift.

Get out, save yourself and your daughter. You won’t feel any worse than you do now by leaving, and there’s every chance you will flourish without this albatross hanging around your neck.

I do think there’s enough red flags here for you to have a break from him to get some perspective. Would it be possible to stay somewhere else for a few weeks? On the surface the row seem minor but I think it raises a lot of issues and I think they aren’t minor. He seems very selfish and uncaring. You also seem like you are walking on eggshells around him. He has put his own needs and feeling at the centre of the household and that’s not fair or easy to live with. I think the cold, distant thing when you are upset is emotional abuse. He’s probably not helping your recovery. You may feel a lot stronger if you weren’t around him and thinking about his feelings all the time.

Ok. The argument you initially posted about. Given your mental health issues in my opinion it did seem like a bit of an overreaction on your part. I would have said you are both struggling with the routine and having lived with a partner suffering with their mental health I know it's not always easy on the other person.

However, your later posts giving more detail about your relationship are disturbing. It doesn't sound like you love each other anymore. It's not fair on your daughter to bring her up in a loveless and at times abusive relationship. She will end up in exactly the same position you are now.

You have 2 options. You either sit down with DH and tell him things need to change, suggest some time apart/couples counselling to try and repair the relationship, if that's what you want to do. Or, you accept the relationship is over and make plans to leave. I agree with other posters that you will find your mental health miraculously improves without him in your life every day.

You will not be depriving your daughter of her dad, he can still see her regularly and he may prove to be a better father without the toxicity of your relationship. However, I think you also need to be prepared that he'll be an arse, will mess you about over access, potentially threaten going for full custody citing your mental health (sorry, don't mean to scare you but it happened to a friend of mine). What you need to do is ensure you have a good support network around you so when he does let you down/mess you about you have back up.

Good luck.

He really does not like you at all, OP, and he is very abusive. I was not surprised to learn he is a cop. Them and army are men to stay as far away from as possible, many (not all) are sociopaths with no ability to love or feel any human compassion. He lacks the ability to communicate because he lacks any ability to feel any actual human emotion. You don't want your daughter growing up with a man like that. You may struggle on your own but you are struggling now anyway, especially emotionally. And you sound gainfully employed. I'd get away from him asap.

I think you have 2 choices.
You either stick with your current regime and make it clear to your husband that he has to get your child ready at the agreed time, and if she's not ready, you will simply go to work and leave him to do the nursery drop off. You have to warn him that this is what you'll do.
Or you can do it all yourself. Get up at 6, have a shower, get baby up and then eat breakfast together. He can then take over some other duty in exchange, that's at a less time-critical time of day.
I'd probably do the latter. Unfair as it is, I couldn't be doing with the stress every day. Having to get out of the house by a certain time and relying on another adult to comply is a total nightmare, unless the other adult is always cooperative. Which he clearly isn't.

The last thing I would do with this abusive man is have counselling with him or tell him about your feelings. He's cruel, sexist and he doesn't care about your feelings. I'd keep quiet and make plans to leave.

Having read your updates I think you should leave!

I feel stressed just reading the tight time schedule, it doesn't seem sustainable to me. What is your plan for when school starts? Breakfast clubs open at 8 round here.

What is the position financially? Would you be able to afford a reduction in hours? If you could find a closer nursery that suits you both and each push your starts back by even half an hour a couple of days each it would help.

@sameshitdifferentdayffs

He does it all the time.
Another one he does is I'll say "can I talk to you please about what just happened?" and he will either carry on what he is doing like loading the dishwasher / sorting DD and half listen, and not even look at me, or say "no" when I ask to talk. Or just walk out. Or stare into space then roll his eyes. If I'm crying he's worse

Just as an aisde, you shouldn't engage with him like this in front of your DD. That's a mistake I made too many times. She doesn't need to see those arguments, you crying, him being scornful etc. Save it for when she's asleep/at nursery.

The correct answer you know to this is "I can't do all this as there are not enough hours in the day"

The only way this works is if you (who do all pick ups and drop offs) drop some hours to accommodate this.

If you work full time then you need to split the drop off pick ups between you.

then 2) you have sent up co-dependencies on the morning which are creating tensions - you need to remove them...whether that is you getting DD ready and then taking her or your DH doing the whole job. Maybe the nursery needs to be nearer your home to allow both?

Why do you think your DD is better off with him in her life? What makes you think he won’t treat her in the same cruel, callous way he treats you?

Call women’s aid. Be honest. See what they say. What do you have to lose? Just arm yourself with an outsiders honest opinion on your situation and see how you feel after that call .

do NOT let him know though.

Change the nursery to one on his route to work

If you are close to your family and they would be able to help and support you, then is it a realistic consideration to move closer to them? Obviously it may not be feasible due to employment choices, but if it was possible I can't help thinking that being closer to loving, supportive family would help your mental health. I also that think staying with your DP is to the detriment of your mental health and you should leave him, either he moves out or you do, he is not good for you.

Would it possible for one of you to look for a new job that's closer to the other and then move so that you don't both have long commutes in opposite directions?

Your child will be picking up this treatment and will think it is normal for a man to be abusive in relationships. You need to protect her and remove her from this environment.

I was not surprised to learn he is a cop. Them and army are men to stay as far away from as possible, many (not all) are sociopaths with no ability to love or feel any human compassion.

He is also ex military

aside from your DH issues, and its a little bit in the future (but times does go fast) what are you plans for when DD starts school and its 9-3 (possibly with wrap around care but that wont cover the hours you seem to work). Wouldnt a childminder be a better bet now, and continuing throughout the primary school years?

I wouldnt plan to have any more children with your DH, as he currently is (and I doubt he will change) you'll get even less help with 2.

I speak from experience. I did everything, however stupidly put up with the situation for far too many years, eventually divorcing when the kids were older teenagers.

Please speak to your GP about your mental health OP. I know you’ve said you’ve been waiting referred to another team but please let them do you a sick note from work. Working and putting pressure on yourself will just make you feel worse.

You need a break from work. A break from your partner and that toxic environment.

Are you able to take your DD and stay with family, a friend or just a nice little hotel for a couple of nights.

I agree with PP, you need to leave him. Or he leaves. He is abusive. You and your DD deserve better.

Please reach out and contact a family member or trusted friend to speak about this in person. Please.

Your updates are very sad, OP. You deserve better and I agree with those urging you to protect yourself and make plans to separate.

Do you think he would accept this or would be it be better/safer to get organised and leave when he is not there?

You sound very emotionally intelligent and logical, despite being in such a tough place right now. Breaking away from the source of so much anxiety would be the making of you and DD.

I just want to say, to all those suggesting that there's a reasonable compromise here, that those don't work when you're dealing with someone who is determined to be unreasonable. Yes, OP could get up at 6 and do it all herself, but if she does, he will simply find some other task that he can refuse to do properly in order to cause the OP distress.

These tasks often involve the child in some way because these men know that the woman's love for the child and unwillingness to see them suffer is a weak spot.

Women aren't wrong for prioritising their children or for taking on more than our fair share of the childcare burden so that the child doesn't do without.

Men are wrong for using it against us.

There's a reason why you can divorce someone on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Too much drama
Just let him have her ready by 7.10 or just leave if she isnt ready

Or figure something else out

But stop with the drama. This isn't pnd (this argument about getting the kid ready i mean) this is just 2 people that need to sit down and talk!

He’s unkind to you OP. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

Please RTFT.

(((HUG)))

some ex Mil & police are lovely, lovely guys, but many are not. You have one that is not.

I hear that you don't want to break up your family for DD's sake, or for her not to see her Dad every day etc

but can I counter that with... not being brought up by him might just be the best thing! Having her mum & dad separate might just be the best thing for her. Watching her mum being treat the way he treats you will NOT do her any good at all. I think the best thing you can do FOR her IS separate.

she can see him on his days off and yet always know she has a safe, loving home to come back to.

he shouldn't be able to get out if CMS with his job (& do it formally, don't come to a private arrangement!! If he says he'll pay more etc tell him to feel free to pay it on top of CMS, nothing stopping him). But on your wage you should be able to support you & DD.

Don't stay in this marriage FOR DD, when the best thing for her is to get away from
him. I would put string money in your 'issues' getting a LOT better as soon as you stop living like this xx