Huge row with partner, want to leave

[sameshitdifferentdayffs]

Firstly, sorry this is long.

Hoping I don’t regret posting this as my mental health is really poor at the moment and I’m not sure I’m robust enough for it, but I’m really struggling to see whether/ if I am in the wrong here, so wanted to post.

The background context is I’ve had a really long, slow recovery from severe PND over the past 16 months and still not 100% at times (PTSD, flashbacks to the birth, thoughts of being a terrible mother and better off dead, etc), and also recent family bereavement which I have not yet processed or come to terms with.

A recent argument with DP was as follows, I'm just looking for outside opinions :

I get up at 6am every morning to shower, sort my lunch, and sort my breakfast. DP needs less time than I do to get ready, his commute is significantly shorter, and he doesn’t do the nursery drop offs, so our agreement is that DP will make sure DD (16 months) is up and dressed by 6.30am_ latest as then, when I am ready, I can take over and sort her breakfast out before taking her to nursery (I do all drop offs and pick ups on way to work). I need DD to be ready to leave the house by 7.10am_ otherwise it impacts my morning and I’m late for work. DP knows this, we’ve had so many conversations about the same thing. He knows that I need her up and ready by 6.30am otherwise it makes me late.

On this particular morning I showered, dressed, had my breakfast, made my lunch etc between 6-6.30_ (as I usually do), on the understanding that DP would get DD up and dressed in time for me to take over at 6.30am_. At 6.35am_ he was still lying in bed and DD still in her cot. I went in and said “please can you get her up now, otherwise I’m going to be late”. He said yes, so I went back downstairs to finish off what I was doing. He then proceeded to go into the bathroom. I had no idea how long he was going to be and it was now approaching 6.40am_, so I went upstairs to wake DD and started to get her ready myself. He then emerges from the bathroom as I’m dressing her, saying grumpily “ I was just about to do that”. I replied “It’s fine I had to do it otherwise I’m going to be late”. He went downstairs. I followed – hurriedly as I’m now behind – and put DD in her highchair for breakfast. DP was in the kitchen. I said nothing to him, I was just focussed on getting DD sorted so I could get to work on time. I deliberately said nothing because I didn’t have the head space or emotional energy for an argument. He looked at me and said snarkily, “will you just calm down”.

Trying to remain as calm as possible, I said “Please don’t tell me to calm down. I am rushing because I am going to be late. If you helped me, I wouldn’t be stressed and rushing”. He still offered no help, and just snapped back “well I was going to get her dressed but you took over”. I replied “I don’t want to argue, I just want to get her ready as quickly as possible so I’m not late. I’ve said before that she needs to be up by 6.30 so I can get out of the house on time. She wasn’t up and it was 6.40 – so I needed to get her up myself.”

Anyway he went into a huge strop and starting muttering under his breath about how I’m “the reason this relationship is failing” and I need to “take a look at myself”. He then starts doing dramatic cuddles and goodbye kisses with DD in her highchair while I stand sobbing in the kitchen saying “I really didn’t need this argument this morning, I just wanted to get her ready. Why have you caused this argument?” He then started saying she didn’t need to be up at 6.30m and he was letting her “have a lie in”. I’ve told him time and time again that this doesn’t work because I need to be out of the house on time with her! He has the luxury of leaving the house without having to think of dropping a child off – this doesn’t impact his working day or commute in any way at all. It impacts mine. I’ve told him this so many times and he’s previously agreed to make sure she’s up on time to make my morning run more smoothly considering I have an hour commute plus the drop off, whereas he does not. If DD isn’t ready at 7.10am, he will just leave the house regardless – he won’t hang around to help me. So it doesn’t affect his morning at all. I’ll be the one stuck at home late for work, sorting her out. Yet it’s like those many conversations just never happened because he’s decided to “let her lie in”. At that point he just left for work and refused to apologise for his snarky "calm down" comment which only inflamed everything instead of helping.

I am seriously re-evaluating the relationship and I genuinely want to leave him. I have cried so much over the whole thing. I’m in a bad place mentally. All I wanted to do was get my daughter ready on time because as the person who does the drop offs before work and with an hour’s commute each way, it really impacts my day if she is not up and ready on time. He knows this. Then he tells me to “calm down” when I’m rushing because he hasn’t got her up on time. Instead of asking what he can do to help, for example.

I need some perspective here. I’m ready to walk because I’m so done.

Totally agree with this. No wonder you are on the edge.

I imagine you don't work to a schedule in the morning?

Gosh OP I really feel for you. No matter how hard being on your own would be, it would be better than this. It really would. You’re doing a lot on your own anyway. And isn’t it better for your DD to have a happy mum than one pretending to play happy families?

I don’t think his line of work matters with the fact he’s an abusive jerk.

OP, my thinking is that your mental health is poor, and you have problems with anxiety, because these routines, which need to work, are riddled with uncertainty, and it is that uncertainty that is causing you anxiety.

You are having to work within a situation that is not consistent, and you have no idea whether something that needs to happen on a daily basis will happen or not. There's no way for you to predict what will occur.

This is an acutely stressful situation when combined with a necessary survival activity, such as working for money, and the terms under which you do that -- for example, being able to get to work on time and ensuring you do the hours you are contracted to do.

This is not a small thing. It's not "you haven't unloaded the dishwasher"; it's "you are putting my ability to earn money into jeopardy, and if I lose my job, my ability to fund my existence and this household will be placed under severe stress."

To my mind, your partner is behaving like a teenager. Because that is so, it is pushing you into a situation where you cannot rely on the support of another adult in the household. His stroppiness and inability to function as an adult essentially means two things: you either accept the situation and outsource the support you require to survive on a day to day basis, or you do not.

Employed - public sector

The actual argument? Not a big deal, and the sort of thing that happens in most relationships.

The underlying dynamic? Really problematic, uncaring, and awful to live with.

You're concentrating on the former. In a normal, functioning relationship where each loves the other and where there is respect and a desire to support, it wouldn't be a big deal. We all have mornings where things go wrong and we get defensive and grumpy about it.

But you need to concentrate on the latter. Because it's a real problem if he never takes responsibility, if he frequently punishes you with the silent treatment or by leaving, if he doesn't respect your work, or if he doesn't treat you with respect.

The argument is a symptom. Focus on the disease.

I would have left on time and if she wasn't ready your partner could've dropped her off. In all honesty I think you're making a rod for your own back. That said my DH used to do the same for me and never let me down.

If you aren't willing to leave him to drop DD off, then I'd get a loud alarm clock and set it to 6.20am every day and put it out of reach from the bed. You shouldn't have to do that mind you.

You should leave him OP. It's not you breaking up your "little family" it sounds like it's pretty broken already.

The separation from your DP might be exactly what you need.

You don't have MH problems, you have a DH problem. You are being bullied in your own home. Doing it on your own might be hard but you'll be in control, there will be no one to argue with, no one to disappoint you, no one to talk to you like you're the help serving his important job.

@sameshitdifferentdayffs I knew it. My BIL - same attitude. Apologies to any ladies married to lovely police but I've met so many who turned into bullying self important knobheads. Good thing is OP, he can't get out of maintanance. If you don't love him anymore anyway I would start thinking about life on your own with little one.

I would leave and then look if you could find something decent for less hours that mean you could do both drop offs and pick ups , on a single wage plus maintanance and possibly some rent help via UC and tax credits - you would be fine. It's seriously worth thinking about

@sameshitdifferentdayffs

are you scared of him if you push issues?

It may not be possible, but if it even remotely is, I would look at either you and/or him changing jobs and/or moving house and/or nursery. Your morning routine sounds so stressful (waking a baby and immediately getting her dressed) and is not sustainable in the longer term. When your child starts school in a few years, you'll need new arrangements anyway.

The treating you even worse when you cry is worrying.

Does he show any empathy for you at all?

So you are actually in a highly abusive relationship.

You no longer love him.

He is a nasty bully.

There is no little family to break up.

It's already broken by your abusive partner.

This is not an environment you want your daughter raised in.

Stop trying to fix or change an abusive bully.

Start planning an exit.

Get signed off work because of your MH at the hands of this bully.

Pack up your daughter and go home to your parents for a couple of weeks.

Rechardge your battery and look at moving home if you can.

He is abusing you and has very little involvement with his child.

Don't tell him anything, just go.

You can create a trail with texts telling him that you have left to stay with your parents because of his abuse.

Will he want you reporting him for emotional abuse?

Speaking to Women's aid would be good too.

I utterly dispair at the number of abusive men hiding in plain sight in our police force.

I would get up earlier in the morning, so that things aren't timed to the millisecond. And make lunches the night before.

Very rarely. He's quite cold and dismissive of my emotions a lot of the time. There's been times I've been sat crying at the dining table and he has walked in, done something, and walked back out as though I'm not there. That's at its worst.

This is text book emotional abuse. It sounds like your life would be easier without him tbh.

You arent at fault.

You have a few choices.

1. LTB. Because this is a culmination of disrespectful behaviours.
2. Counselling.
3. Resolution amongst yourselves. I dont think you can just leave baby and walk out. Whilst I agree he deserves the consequences of his actions, it isnt in the interests of the baby or resolution.

My suggestion would be starting by asking him what he thinks should happen if he hasnt got her ready at 710? His attitude might solidify a decision to dump him.

You could consider you doing all the morning stuff and him doing all the evening stuff. Or reducing your hours 1 hour per day to take her to nursery without the stress, on the agreement that he picks up extra hours to make up the shortfall of cash.

The problem is really his attitude. He wont want any of these options really, he just wants you to do it so he doesn't have to change. Is he man-dumping you? Being a shit until you dump him so he is the poor victim and not a man who walks out on his family?

So CMS would be able to go after his wages (they’re shit, but public sector tends to be an easy hit for them).

He might be able to lessen the amount by cutting down his overtime, but not his basic amount.

Can you find some time to give Women’s Aid a call and chat them through everything? They’re the experts and they’ll be able to help you get everything in order to leave safely if you decide to do so

If you don't get your husband to step up and do his share now, you are going to be doing the lot for years to come.

this.

if he's not stepping up, your life will be much easier leaving him and getting CMS and court-appointed custody. it's very clear then whose responsibility it is to do what. and he's currently letting you have the facade of being in a partnership, but not actually doing half the work - worse, he's actively sabotaging it.

any person, male, female, traumatised or not, would feel anxious and depressed at that situation, he's basically putting you on edge first thing in the morning, every morning, undermining your ability to provide financial security.

he's making you choose to prioritise his emotional state/career vs. your job, and expecting you to smile while doing it, yet if you even attempted to do anything remotely like it to him, there would be world war 3.

this abuser is hard work. if you leave now, you're going to look back at this thread in a year and wonder why on earth you put up with him dragging you down for so long.

Sounds to me like you are both under a lot of strain. He may not react in the best way to stuff, but to say he is an ABUSER is a bit of a stretch. MN at it's finest.

Please look up gaslighting, if you don't know about it already, because there's an element of it happening here.

He's choosing not to get her up on time so that when you do it yourself, he can tell you you're the unreasonable one.

He then gets to send you off to work upset and unsure about yourself.

He's not a nice man but I think you know that. x.

Im so sorry youre going through such a hard time. If I were you I would be reconsidering my relationships future because its not just about the drop offs, hes systematically undermining you, bullying you, showing no emtional support. That is emotional abuse.
In the mean time make your life easier.
-just give your daughter a banana or something quick. I give mine a bowl of dry cereal.
-investigate nurseries near your home and start splitting drop offs and pick ups.
-if theres a chance you want to stay in the relationship think about couples therapy. Maybe an outside person telling him hes unreasonable would kick him into shape.