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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay home with our daughter

293 replies

Autumnmoons · 25/08/2022 07:39

My husband has landed a new job whilst I am on maternity leave (I am due to return to work in March 2023) and it has more than doubled his income (which was more than my full time wage) - is it unreasonable not return to work? We have survived off statutory mat pay so far and I think it’s manageable financially. My mother and father in law would be our childcare so no additional costs there. My husband is concerned with the cost of living crisis and bills and energy bills rising that it makes more sense for me to return to work so we can be more financially secure. I think we will be fine and I could simply get a new job if not. AIBU?

OP posts:
Anothernamechangeplease · 25/08/2022 15:52

Penalised is an odd choice of word. It implies a degree of unfairness that I don't think is really there.

Am I being "penalised" for choosing to work in a sector which gives me considerable job satisfaction but pays less than the sector where I used to work? I don't think so, I am just accepting the consequences of the choices that I have made about how I want to live my life.

Or am I being penalised for choosing to work at all because it results in me having less free time than someone who doesn't work?

Life is full of choices. All of those choices have consequences. People who genuinely don't have any agency over their lives may well feel penalised by the circumstances that deny them the ability to make free choices, but most of us are constantly evaluating options and deciding what to prioritise.

TiddleyWink · 25/08/2022 15:52

OP you’re not addressing the fact that your husband doesn’t want this so it’s not an option. You can’t just quit your job and just tell someone else that they now support you. Not without a strong chance of them divorcing you anyway. So I’m not sure what you’re wanting from this thread? Being a SAHP is a perfectly valid choice, so is working. You’re not unreasonable to want to stay at home, not at all. But it simply isn’t an option available to you and this thread isn’t going to change that. It’s just going to turn into the inevitable SAHP versus working parent bunfight. No one here can find a solution to your problem which is that you want to not work but your husband isn’t willing to fund that. We can all say yes you’re absolutely right but that changes nothing for you.

Original poster
Autumnmoons · 25/08/2022 15:53

AnnaFri · 25/08/2022 15:42

@Autumnmoons

SAHPs aren't penalised

They suffer the consequences to their actions

You seem very upset about this whole concept. I’m sending love your way

OP posts:
AnnaFri · 25/08/2022 15:54

@Autumnmoons

Hardly upset

Just bemused about you seeing it as being penalised when you've made an active decision - there are sadly financial consequences to said decision

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 25/08/2022 15:59

Can't you go back part time? It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Original poster
Autumnmoons · 25/08/2022 16:00

TiddleyWink · 25/08/2022 15:52

OP you’re not addressing the fact that your husband doesn’t want this so it’s not an option. You can’t just quit your job and just tell someone else that they now support you. Not without a strong chance of them divorcing you anyway. So I’m not sure what you’re wanting from this thread? Being a SAHP is a perfectly valid choice, so is working. You’re not unreasonable to want to stay at home, not at all. But it simply isn’t an option available to you and this thread isn’t going to change that. It’s just going to turn into the inevitable SAHP versus working parent bunfight. No one here can find a solution to your problem which is that you want to not work but your husband isn’t willing to fund that. We can all say yes you’re absolutely right but that changes nothing for you.

It’s still an option for us, he quite likes the idea but is naturally concerned about finances (as am I) and wants to get a gauge on that

OP posts:
Cotton55 · 25/08/2022 16:06

We're all facing into a very unstable financial future. Your dh has just started this job. If the company has to issue redundancies due to a downturn in the economy, he might not be eligible for much of a pay out. Financially things will end up pretty bleak for some people in the next year or so. I wouldn't give up a stable job right now because of that alone. You also need to think of your pension contributions. When our kids were younger, there was a time when it was barely worth our while me working due to the huge cost of childcare. However, I continued because of my pension. I now work part time and feel it's the best of both worlds.
Also, I took a year off with each of my kids and I thought I wouldn't be able to bear leaving them when the time came but actually, work was like a break! (Almost!)

cptartapp · 25/08/2022 16:17

I went back pt at four and five months. They're now 19 and 17 and it was the best decision I ever made. Preserved the power balance in our marriage, my skills, my sanity and my pension looks great.
Think long term. In reality, I 'missed' very little.
Not one regret.

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/08/2022 18:04

@fizzythedog

I take issue with your definition of the motivation of people posting about women choosing to stay at home.

Its a standard, inaccurate and rather insulting line that this is all driven by jealousy. In the vast majority of cases people who post on this topic post from real experience and sadly a lot of us know that the single biggest risk you can take as a woman is to rely on the lifelong financial support of a man. It’s just extremely risky.

But leaving this aside, the motivation for these posts isn’t relevant. What’s relevant are the facts. The facts are:

  • Close to half of all marriages fail
  • Even among those that don’t fail, a large proportion of women end up significantly financially disadvantaged and disenfranchised in their marriages.

It’s not automatically a bad idea to choose to be a SAHM. But to choose to do it when the one variable you absolutely have to have in place, ie a supportive spouse, increases the risk factor massively.

Namenic · 25/08/2022 18:19

Get a spreadsheet and cost it out. Going back to work FT vs PT vs not going back (including the pay-back of enhanced mat pay). Calculate how much take home pay differs in each scenario. plus how much pension contributions are in these situations.

This would be the opportunity cost. It might be enough to wipe a few years off mortgage or a good starter for uni fund for child; or allow you to retire early. You have to decide as a couple whether it is worth it.

Fivemoreminutesinbed · 25/08/2022 19:33

So much for marriage being a partnership if you browbeat him into agreeing for you to be a SAHM. He doesn't want it. End of. You will get usedto leaving your child and she will happily skip off to nursery with you safe in the knowledge she is well looked after.

Brefugee · 25/08/2022 19:45

Further more to this, I am not a foot thinking I should be paid a pension by some mysterious source. I’m simply commenting that SAHPs are penalised for this financially and women, who make up the majority of SAHPs, suffer most.

No OP. I'm not having it. The point is that people who don't work and pay into a pension, or have someone pay into a pension miss out. It is related to your decision to work and/or have a pension.

Original poster
Autumnmoons · 25/08/2022 21:28

Fivemoreminutesinbed · 25/08/2022 19:33

So much for marriage being a partnership if you browbeat him into agreeing for you to be a SAHM. He doesn't want it. End of. You will get usedto leaving your child and she will happily skip off to nursery with you safe in the knowledge she is well looked after.

Are you ok? This energy is wild.

We’ve costed it out tonight and looks way better than we were hoping financially, which is great news. He is feeling way more relaxed about it now.

it’s just up to me to decide if I want to return PT or stay at home with baby. Sometimes it does work out and no one is browbeaten, we have a great, fun relationship with great communication and I really respect my DHs fears and feelings as he respects mine. Sometimes it’s a clearing of the air that’s needed. Crikey, some of these comments are 😬😬😬😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnmoons · 25/08/2022 21:28

Ok?

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnmoons · 25/08/2022 21:30

UrethraFranklin90 · 25/08/2022 11:01

If you can get your husband on board I say go for it. I'm just about to go back to work myself and I'm absolutely dreading it, even though it will be 4 days a week. Sadly I'm the main earner so have no option. I would love the chance to stay with my little boy.

Sending loads of love to you and hoping your transition back to work goes really well. I know loads of parents on 4 day weeks and they’ve said how much more they enjoy the time with LO as it’s totally focused on them xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnmoons · 25/08/2022 21:35

Lavendersummer · 25/08/2022 15:44

What about approaching it as a career break/sabbatical ? You and DH agree you will take a certain period of time out of paid employment- being at home is still work. It’s just not paid or really particularly valued sadly.
Say 2 years. 6 months before the end date you relook at it. What’s working, what’s not etc.
However it has to be clear from the get go that any income coming into the house is family income. Not his. Family income. Purchases over a certain about of ££ to be discussed on a case by case basis.
Only you and he know if that will work for your marriage. It is very true you will never get that time back again with your baby. DH is the higher earner in our house. Me being at home has enabled him to really concentrate on his job - no sharing collecting the kids from nursery or looking after them when sick. It also means we get to enjoy our weekends more as I deal with anything that would have usually been saved for the weekend had we both had paid jobs.

This is how I’m viewing it, as a sabbatical. I plan to return to work once DD is around 2ish anyway as I do enjoy my work and I can rejoin the industry as it’s robust (even during economic crisis)

we have come to an agreement today (prompted by my browbeaten DH 😉) that works for us. He was feeling understandably overwhelmed initially but just needed some time. We are lucky that our comms are always very open and loving and we see each other’s perspectives which helped. We have a very similar agreement to yours and others posters regarding savings / pensions. We will see how it goes

OP posts:
sjxoxo · 25/08/2022 21:36

@Thepeopleversuswork what do you mean ‘lifelong’??? I don’t know anyone who is a SAHP for ‘life’ 😂 I think these days SAHP’s are typically at home for the first few years or until teenage years. I’ve never heard of anyone never ever ever working ever again. I don’t think that’s what is being debated here! I think op is talking about a few years off- not being off work for the rest of her life!

rainbowmilk · 25/08/2022 21:36

Well, if it was as simple as posting a MN thread to german your husband to change his mind then hurrah for that.

The second reply to me on pensions just seemed to be nebulous waffle about how it’s unfair that SAHPs don’t get a work pension. Which it isn’t. So.

rainbowmilk · 25/08/2022 21:37

German?! Get your husband, I mean.

Original poster
Autumnmoons · 25/08/2022 21:37

Brefugee · 25/08/2022 19:45

Further more to this, I am not a foot thinking I should be paid a pension by some mysterious source. I’m simply commenting that SAHPs are penalised for this financially and women, who make up the majority of SAHPs, suffer most.

No OP. I'm not having it. The point is that people who don't work and pay into a pension, or have someone pay into a pension miss out. It is related to your decision to work and/or have a pension.

Ok?

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnmoons · 25/08/2022 21:43

rainbowmilk · 25/08/2022 21:36

Well, if it was as simple as posting a MN thread to german your husband to change his mind then hurrah for that.

The second reply to me on pensions just seemed to be nebulous waffle about how it’s unfair that SAHPs don’t get a work pension. Which it isn’t. So.

Less about MN, more about us having a real life interaction and discussion I suppose and mulling it all over as a family. Isn’t it nicer that it’s work out to a happy conclusion? I don’t understand your seeming anger. I understand I’ve posted on MN but Fizzy Dogs comments seem to be ringing loud and true here…

I suppose we view childcare and work in the home very differently, I see it as a broader subject about societies treatment of work in the home and the devalue of it and you see it as waffle. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnmoons · 25/08/2022 21:46

sjxoxo · 25/08/2022 21:36

@Thepeopleversuswork what do you mean ‘lifelong’??? I don’t know anyone who is a SAHP for ‘life’ 😂 I think these days SAHP’s are typically at home for the first few years or until teenage years. I’ve never heard of anyone never ever ever working ever again. I don’t think that’s what is being debated here! I think op is talking about a few years off- not being off work for the rest of her life!

Exactly! It’ll likely be less than two years. My industry is bullet proof to an extent as is my experience within in (being a woman in this industry helps too, as there is a huge push for women to join but not many are!!)

We have decided as a family to take this time to enjoy and then I’ll happily rejoin the workforce at a later date. I like working, I love being a mum right now and that trumps it. Thankfully being SAH is an option for us x

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnmoons · 25/08/2022 21:48

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/08/2022 18:04

@fizzythedog

I take issue with your definition of the motivation of people posting about women choosing to stay at home.

Its a standard, inaccurate and rather insulting line that this is all driven by jealousy. In the vast majority of cases people who post on this topic post from real experience and sadly a lot of us know that the single biggest risk you can take as a woman is to rely on the lifelong financial support of a man. It’s just extremely risky.

But leaving this aside, the motivation for these posts isn’t relevant. What’s relevant are the facts. The facts are:

  • Close to half of all marriages fail
  • Even among those that don’t fail, a large proportion of women end up significantly financially disadvantaged and disenfranchised in their marriages.

It’s not automatically a bad idea to choose to be a SAHM. But to choose to do it when the one variable you absolutely have to have in place, ie a supportive spouse, increases the risk factor massively.

If it helps you rest at ease, in my case, I have enough saved money to fall back on if he does turn out to be a total arsehole.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnmoons · 25/08/2022 21:50

Namenic · 25/08/2022 18:19

Get a spreadsheet and cost it out. Going back to work FT vs PT vs not going back (including the pay-back of enhanced mat pay). Calculate how much take home pay differs in each scenario. plus how much pension contributions are in these situations.

This would be the opportunity cost. It might be enough to wipe a few years off mortgage or a good starter for uni fund for child; or allow you to retire early. You have to decide as a couple whether it is worth it.

We did exactly this! It really helped and if anyone is reading this in a similar boat I highly recommend getting all there in black and white. We feel much better about it all now and have worked out what will be paid into my savings / pensions as well as DHs

OP posts:
eatsleeprepeat123 · 25/08/2022 21:50

I made this choice last year.

My salary wasn't great although I loved my job. My hubby got a promotion which was basicallly equivalent of my salary.

I decided to be a SAHM and absolutely love it. I can't imagine my little one (now 20 months) being in nursery all the time, and I would be miserable being apart from him all day 5 days a week. Don't get me wrong - some days are HARD, but I wouldn't change a thing. He'll be off to pre school next year and I already can't imagine it!

If you have the option enjoy it. A lot of people don't have a choice and need two incomes. They're only little once, and you can always find a job when they start school? I don't see why it's so bad to rely on your husbands income (according to half of Mumsnetters).