To want to stay home with our daughter

[Autumnmoons]

My husband has landed a new job whilst I am on maternity leave (I am due to return to work in March 2023) and it has more than doubled his income (which was more than my full time wage) - is it unreasonable not return to work? We have survived off statutory mat pay so far and I think it’s manageable financially. My mother and father in law would be our childcare so no additional costs there. My husband is concerned with the cost of living crisis and bills and energy bills rising that it makes more sense for me to return to work so we can be more financially secure. I think we will be fine and I could simply get a new job if not. AIBU?

I’m not remotely angry, and I don’t have children so no view on SAHM vs WOHM. I do think that SAHMs have a tendency to over-confuse the value of their work to society as opposed to their individual family. Hence why I think waffling on about it being unfair SAHMs don’t get a work pension is, well, waffle. Get your husband to pay you one as he’s the one benefitting from your work, nobody else is. Then everyone’s happy.

Her DCs are school age…

Interesting that you choose to spend your days here, discussing such topics with such vehemence. I think people who don’t have children can have opinions on any and all topics. But choosing to engage negatively in this forum seems odd? Or am I just so very new to MN? Is this the norm here? What value does it have for you?

you know what they say, opinions are like arseholes. We all have them and some are shitty.

I am not remotely suggesting that it’s a societal responsibility to value family work (although, I actually believe it is and should be more respected - as someone who is both a mum and has a career and worked all of her life) but I meant more that it’s a tragedy that so many women who do stay at home and offer all this family care aren’t compensated in the same way her husband is when it comes to pensions etc. I am not suggesting I should get it paid to me as a benefit from the state (although…) I’m absolutely suggesting it be paid to me by my husband - who benefits the most from my home work and whose life is made exceptionally easier by my choice to stay home and raise our wonderful daughter.

If you cant leave them at this age, will you be able to leave them at 2?

And will be able to spend money as you wish or will you need to ask for money to buy things and buy non essentials? I ask as I've known people who decide to be a sahp and then it's gone wrong as the working partner has begun to resent the other parent spending freely. Also arguments over division of household chores (some think the sahp is responsible for all cooking, cleaning and childcare etc while some think the sahp should only be doing 50% and the working parent also doing 50%) stuff like they needs to he talked about and made clear too to prevent later arguments

And the obvious conversations about savings, pensions, returning to work full or part time and what childcare to be used on return to work etc

I’m absolutely suggesting it be paid to me by my husband - who benefits the most from my home work and whose life is made exceptionally easier by my choice to stay home and raise our wonderful daughter.

Well, I guess that's something that you can negotiate with him then. If he agrees with you, I'm sure that he'll be happy to oblige.

I’m absolutely suggesting it be paid to me by my husband - who benefits the most from my home work and whose life is made exceptionally easier by my choice to stay home and raise our wonderful daughter.

Is he going to benefit that much as you said you do everything at home anyway?

Be really wary of becoming the 24/7 default parent/housekeeper

@Autumnmoons - fantastic that you’ve costed it out! And good that your DH and you are on the same page - which is the important thing. Everyone has so many different variables - and I think sahp can be a great thing if precautions are taken and provisions made - which it sounds like you are doing. Just double check things like life insurance, travel insurance, private healthcare (some of these come as perks of jobs and can be extended to family). Wishing you all the best!

As long as the fabulous new job is still in place this time next year.
You don't need to make decisions now, you still have plenty of time.

There's a lot to think about. This baby is clearly your first. Are you wanting more, with short age gaps or bigger? More kids equals more expenses. Your inlaws might be happy to do childcare for one child but would they do it for more? Would they be up to it healthwise?

You're at the stage where baby is probably in a good routine and it's not a slog anymore and quite fun. It is a nice stage. They then enter toddlerhood and once again you will be presented with different challenges basically what in getting at is that it won't always be the same as it is now.

Your pension will take a hit, you'd need to sit down with your oh to discuss access to a joint account or him giving you a monthly income. How would you negotiate it, what would be fair?

The part that stands out to me is that your oh isn't on board and that to me means this should not go ahead. You don't get to railroad him into it because you can't bare to be separated from your baby.

I'd talk about it gain listen to his concerns but definitely voice your own desires too. Then see where to go from there, ask your employer for flexible working if they knock it back or won't consider it then start job seeking. It isn't fair to make him shoulder all the financial burden for your family when he doesn't want to.

Sceptre, good post, except the "just because you can't bare to be separated from your baby"

Is this what we have come too?

What about baby? No one ever mentions the actual baby and what's best for them?

@Autumnmoons

how will you remain independent though? U won’t be bringing in any money

op u r in a luckier position than most in the sense u have relatives offering to care for ur kid.

Crack on and get back to work!

@Autumnmoons

it’s true that I staying home only benefits you, your husband and your daughter (though she’d be fine if you did work)

it’s not a societal contribution let’s face it

"your own desires"!!

What about the actual baby!

I think mumsnetters need to go under cover and work in a few nurseries and get a real idea of what's going on and whether that's acceptable to you.
I have had nursery experience and I know how hit and miss good care can be even within one setting.
One half of the room may have excellent care but the others,don't because they have the totally disinterested bored lowly paid worker doing the job because there is nothing else they could do.
It's babies or older adults and they don't want to work with older adults.
It's probably the easiest part of the day when the parent's come and big smiles.."he's had a wonderful day today" the actual reality is baby y was screaming all day demanding all the attention of thinly stretched staff and your baby has been left alone except for the bare minimum done re nappies.

Yes there is some excellent work going on but by the very nature of humans it's always patchy.
One poor worker let's down the whole team. One bad manager or owner let's everyone down.
My own DC went at 3 to pre school Nursery and one has the most warm, caring older ladies who were amazing.
No 2 had a slight speech delay and her key worker was doing a degree in child care so initially I was v hopeful she was in excellent hand's.

Even with me passing on tips from salt, telling her key things about my child i see now she wasn't up to the task. She was absolutely useless, always chatting when I popped in ,never engaged with any children and a lack of basic understanding of children.
She also badly let down another child who needed interventions early.
This went on under my nose; with me observing . Yet I know the other key worker was brilliant.
When a child is a baby and non verbal they simply can't tell you what's going on.
They are vulnerable.

@RayneDance I am a teacher but a few years ago I did supply in nurseries to fill a career gap and unfortunately I concur with what you’re saying. The baby rooms were a shock to me in some of the settings (one of which my own children had been to!!).

I can’t believe the negativity on this thread about wanting to stay at home with your child - really bizarre to me when OP has clearly thought it through and can afford it. There is so much evidence about the importance of one-to-one attachment being better in the first 18 months of a child’s life. (And as I said my kids did go to nursery before then but I still did the research and knew it wasn’t the ‘best’ option.)

It doesn't matter if they can afford it if her DH isn't on board

Also him doubling his salary isn't doubling the take home so they'd still be at a net loss of income

Plus the damage OP will do to her earning potential which for some women they never recover from during their careers

I have savings that marked out for this that roughly amount to around 3.5 years of my pre-Mat leave salary, I could make it last probably 7-8 years if I were to pay myself a better than minimum wage salary for those years. I plan to be back working by then - I therefor remain independent despite not technically earning. I have other savings pots for other things. I appreciate again, this is better situations than most. I have saved from every job I have ever had

The patriarchy thanks you for your work here 😂

I'm calling bullshit on this as your earlier posts mentioned relying on your DH for money

So if you have savings to pay yourself a salary why even mention that?

This would be as a worst case, say if DH lost his job or was to run off with another woman (as suggested by previous posts!)

I didn’t realise I had to lay absolutely everything out to cover all risks and scenarios and explain why I felt I had the audacity to stay home with my baby a little while longer. I’ll remember this for next time though 🫥

Again I’ve inadvertently not replied to the comment - my savings response was how will I stay independent and my savings would cover me and my baby and DH if needed if it went to pot. DH also has similar savings - we keep them as last resorts obviously. Him running off with his secretary is last resort worth perhaps

@Autumnmoons

Why would you have to rely on him for money at all if you have years worth of salary saved

You're bullshitting at this point - give up

I think I will give up on this thread, you’re right. I was an anxious mum looking for a bit of advice and support perhaps? I didn’t realise the vibe of some MNs posters, who just want to shame and witch hunt. I was hoping for some opposite opinions and view points but at this point, I’ve got what I need from some of the lovely posters (both who agree and who don’t but remain kind and respectful) so thank you all. 😘

DH and I both have savings thankfully and perhaps dipping in to them now is worth it to our family at this time, we are very lucky. Ideally we won’t need to and can sail by an extra year on DHs income. It’s there as a back up should we need. We are very fortunate.

Mumsnet tends to be very anti sahms. There is a balance to be had as arguably there are benefits to a parent at home. I’ve worked through but there have absolutely times I’ve wished I was at home. With my first I went back at 13ms after mat leave. With my second, it hit at the time of the pandemic so my little one was 18m before she went to nursery. It felt much nicer tbh although juggling the children and work was no fun at all. I would say though that even if I wasn’t working, I’d want some nursery time. It has been absolutely beneficial for both of my girls from about 2. Grandparent care can be brilliant but also can be a bit tense. Id think quite seriously about a pre-school/nursery as well as family care.

the other thing to consider is how hard it can be to negotiate part time with a new job. 4 days a week is pretty doable but 2/3 days is very difficult unless you’re doing something shift based. I’ve done 3 and 4 days and 4 has been much better job wise. 3 was more stressful.

^I am not remotely suggesting that it’s a societal responsibility to value family work (although, I actually believe it is and should be more respected - as someone who is both a mum and has a career and worked all of her life) but I meant more that it’s a tragedy that so many women who do stay at home and offer all this family care aren’t compensated in the same way her husband is when it comes to pensions etc. I am not suggesting I should get it paid to me as a benefit from the state (although…) I’m absolutely suggesting it be paid to me by my husband - who benefits the most from my home work and whose life is made exceptionally easier by my choice to stay home and raise our wonderful daughter.*

Your “although…” suggests that as I suspected you’ve confused ‘societal benefit of a SAHM’ (which doesn’t exist) with ‘family benefit of a SAHM’ (which does). I’m not saying that domestic work shouldn’t be respected as a choice, but it shouldn’t be respected as something which gives value to society because it doesn’t. Having a family has societal benefits but whether the mum is at home or at work makes no societal difference. I’d be very opposed to the state paying for a works pension for women to stay at home raising their kids when this offers no wider benefit and is a matter for them and their family. In such circumstances, husband should pay for it, not the taxpayer.

Hmme, well if you're an "anxious mum' then I might give different advice...... I've done sahm, PT and now ft. DH has always worked ft. Since things to think about. Being a bit anxious about your child is normal but let it get a grip and it won't be good for you or them. Whatever you decide you should think about how you'll get to a place where you will be comfortable to leave your child with someone suitable. Are you likely to have more children? Will you feel the need to offer them the same? This could mean 6-8 years out of work? Unless you're trained in annum demand profession you will find it very hard to get back into work that you are currently doing. There are many many threads of women struggling with this
It is much much easier to get part time work from in the work place. When I was part time lots of people told me I was lucky to get the hours I had. It wasn't luck it was strategic. I retrained in a family friendly proffesion that was/is in demand. I took bank/zeroe hrs work to get into the organisation. Then negotiated the hours I wanted from there. It's moving sideways/retraining/ part time an option.
Lastly don't underestimate the change in dynamics and impact on a relationship that going down very divided roles can bring. You're common ground diminishes and both roles have stressors that can be hard for the other to minimise. I have an excellent relationship and my sahm time was the most testing time for the two of us (we had financial constraints that apparently you don't, bit to be clear it really wasn't all about that).