To want to stay home with our daughter

[Autumnmoons]

My husband has landed a new job whilst I am on maternity leave (I am due to return to work in March 2023) and it has more than doubled his income (which was more than my full time wage) - is it unreasonable not return to work? We have survived off statutory mat pay so far and I think it’s manageable financially. My mother and father in law would be our childcare so no additional costs there. My husband is concerned with the cost of living crisis and bills and energy bills rising that it makes more sense for me to return to work so we can be more financially secure. I think we will be fine and I could simply get a new job if not. AIBU?

Now's not the time to be quitting jobs if you don't want to and if your bloke isn't on board, resentment will breed.

each situation is different, but in your shoes I would aim to go back to work PT (ideally at the same company - at least for the 12 months). Reasons:

1. cost of living increass
2. husband not 100% enthusiastic for sahp - risk of resentment
3. reduction in your savings and pension - made worse by having to pay back enhanced mat leave if you don’t go back for 12 months. you would also have to consider life insurance etc - in case DH became ill.
4. in many companies you accrue annual leave during Mat leave - so in your 12 months that you return - you would get double your usual annual leave
5. child can develop a good relationship with grandparents. I think it is lovely when this develops.
6. in U.K. tax system favours 2 parents working (your DH will be taxed 50% on his earnings above upper threshold - better to put more into his pension, so can retire earlier). Whereas you can make use of your tax free allowance And above this can be taxed at 20%.
7. it is likely that you will find it easier to get a higher paying job if you were working part time than if you had a full career break.

I’m really pro sahps, but you would be missing out a lot financially and DH is not 100% in favour. So that would make it more rational to do at least PT (and make use of accrued A/L) - especially with cost of living etc. think about it like - if you did this you may be able to retire or finish paying your mortgage earlier.

I felt like you but agree with others that mat leave is very different to stepping out of the workforce. You have none of the worries about employability, losing skills and confidence etc.

I'd stick in a request for two days a week (start low) and see what they say. It is often easier to drop hours than get a part time role.

I'm glad I went back to work but I have no intention of ever going back to full time.

I would plan for long term. You say you wouldn't mind once at school but then they have school events, activities after school etc and you want to be there for those things too.

A short working week passes amazingly quick and you make more effort on the days you spend with your child because it's special.

You can also treat them without guilt or go for a coffee, to softplay etc. Spending someone else's money is an odd feeling, even when they don't mind. I couldn't enjoy it the same.

Personally I opted for shorter working hours over more years rather than just the baby stage but every household is different.

See how your dp gets on first in his new job. There may be a probationary period, he may not like it etc. you dont have to make any decisions yet. How old is your baby op? Most new mothers often can't bear the thought of leaving their tiny babies but months later are ready to work part time.

This

Not necessarily a tree that needs shaking

not necessarily but may be something OP could think about if she wants to go back part-time? or even full time.

The thing for me is this: so many women get stuck into being a SAHP unwillingly (not saying this is true for OP , clearly she wants to) or going part-time. And part (a huge part) of that is because people don't rock the boat a bit. Men in my company (not UK) take a few months or weeks parental leave at a time, and it is celebrated. Women tend to take a year ML (they could take more) and then come back so they can keep career progression going (it's a good employer, there is flexibility i wish i'd had when my DCs were small).

This happens because people rock the boat, and don't buy into the expectation that "well he earns more" (because historical reasons why men earn more).

As it happens i was the higher earner for many many years. DH had either precarious jobs, or high-stress for relatively shit-pay jobs (it's his industry to blame - also that is improving now we're approaching retirement). But it meant that i was under a LOT of pressure to keep my job, work overtime back when i got that paid, and get promotions (and then no overtime paid but the hours were the same). Don't underestimate that pressure. Looking back now i can identify the exact point where i was very close to a burn out and shouted "STOP!".

Having a SAHP works only when both partners are on board, and there are clear expectations around responsibilities, free time, money etc. In OPs case - the DH isn't on board, and frankly, i don't blame him. At least wait until he is over any probationary period or the shiny-new-job-glow before major decisions are made.

If you can get your husband on board I say go for it. I'm just about to go back to work myself and I'm absolutely dreading it, even though it will be 4 days a week. Sadly I'm the main earner so have no option. I would love the chance to stay with my little boy.

This is a couple decision and what works for one couple may not work for another.
A friend has always been the primary earner with her DH as SAHP. She has always said that she has to plan for providing pension income for both of them. That was a decision that they made as a couple and has allowed her to work overseas because of his support.
In our case, I went back to work at 6 weeks with DC 1 and 8 months with DC 2. Both times part time. Stepping up to full time when they were 4 and 2 when DH lost his job. He works construction so has been job free about 10 times in our 30 year marriage.
i remember being resentful, at one point, with his spending as he hadn’t earned the money so why was he spending that way! I needed an attitude adjustment.
it has also meant DD’s have seen parenting shared ( taking in turns to stay home when DD sick) and that no one’s job was more important than the others. I have worked part time when they were in primary school and wanted Mum there for school activities, and full time when they hit high school and didn’t want to know you. ( Also scaled up and down depending on if DH had a job).
I would suggest going back full time until you no longer owe mat leave money and then make a decision. Also save everything you earn when you go back so you have a buffer down the track.
Good luck with whatever you decide as a couple.

Women are definitely punished financially if you don’t go back to work- unless your DH can transfer you the equivalent of your salary so you personally can still pay into a pension & savings in your name.

That's not punishment. That is a result of not being in paid employment and not paying into private pensions. The state pension contributions are kept up if you claim CB. But how is it punishment?

TBH i really don't think enough people discuss the realities of family life with children when they're planning a family (or just even TTC or pregnant by accident or whatever). It's not just about SAHP and how finances / pensions work. It is also about when both of you work how the childcare is divided up. Who does what and when, and any expectations that it is the mother, or the lower earner who drops everything every time. It's about having reliable childcare and a reliable back-up plan. And even though some things happen unexpectedly, it is building up robust plans to handle the unexpected.

We didn't get everything right, but one thing we did was both be a bit flexible about who was giving the bad news to their boss that they'd have to be off for a few days with a sick DC. Knowing each other's schedule so that, for eg, my DH didn't take on extra shifts at quarterly closing and so on.

It is all about both being fully on board with whatever decision you (both) make (together).

@fizzythedog I think your post is spot on. It’s important to stay balanced you’re exactly right on the doomsday/paradise thinking! Of course there’s a middle ground. X

Personally I wouldn't want to be 100% financially depending on a man. But each to their own and it works out well for some.

Won't you have to pay your Mat leave back though?

if I return to work then he will need to step up in other ways too, I don’t think this is unreasonable even on PT hours.

Absolutely!

Your DH is entitled not to want to be the sole earner, and that's fine, but equally he will also have to accept the consequences flowing from that decision not just the extra income. Being the working parent of a small child has challenges.

Non working parents (predominantly mothers) take a huge hit to pension contributions etc that their husbands / partners don’t. My husband will continue to fill up his pension while mine sits dormant, even part time I will take a bit to contributions. It’s a huge issue I feel, women are almost punished financially overall for being the main childcare if they don’t return to work FT

Well, yeah, they don’t get paid a works pension for not being at work. Who do you think should pay for you to have a work pension if you’re at home, if not your husband?

The problem here is that none of this was discussed before you had a child and now you’re playing resentment top trumps. You cannot force someone to pay for you not to work, even if it makes you and your child very sad. The best way to avoid this is to pick a man who wants a SAHM. You didn’t, so now you have to live with that. PT sounds a good way forward.

Ive been a SAHM for 4 years now (2 daughters 4 & 6m) and it has been amazing. I feel really lucky to have had all this time with them and that my husband has been happy to support this. If you can chat to your hubby about this and get on the same page, and can afford it, I would totally go for it! Its hard work but they are beautiful years that you wont get back x

But he isn't on the same page and he doesn't want to be the sole breadwinner.

Oh no. Think very carefully about stepping off the career ladder and becoming the dependent wifey

Maintain your independence

You seem like you’d be lots of fun at parties. We did discuss it, we were in a different financial situation then as he didn’t have this better paid job then. Now it’s changed (and so have I, having had our baby and cared for her for so long) and so I am guilty of changing my mind about something. It’s not unheard of and it’s not that I picked the wrong person to have a family with. It’s a normal part of becoming a parent. Some women who think they’ll never want to return, rush back to work with glee and the opposite can be true too. I won’t be shamed by you, for feeling differently and assuming that we have never discussed this. Previously DH has said he would love for me to be a SAHP if we were in a better financial situation. Now we are, so I opened up the conversation with him again.

I will, no matter what, remain independent. Not all SAHPs are fawning useless saps when it comes to finances. I wouldn’t allow this to happen, simply because DH is the sole earner. It doesn’t work like that anymore (not for my marriage anyway)

Further more to this, I am not a foot thinking I should be paid a pension by some mysterious source. I’m simply commenting that SAHPs are penalised for this financially and women, who make up the majority of SAHPs, suffer most. It’s sometimes a behind the scenes additional hit that mums take if they stay home when it comes further down the line. Yes ‘go back to work’ is I’m sure, the solution to that but I was maker a wider point really.

I ended up not returning to work at the end of my maternity leave and it is something I had always been 100% sure I would never do. I loved working and earning my own money but honestly, I absolutely love being home with my daughter and I can't imagine not being at home with her now.
If you're able to do it and your DH supports your decision and you figure out your finances, then I would say go for it.
I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd (not planned) which swayed our decision for me to stay home as we have no family for childcare and it would mean spending over £2k a month and we didn't see the point. I'll go back to work when they're at pre-school and it means I get to really enjoy their early years x

@Autumnmoons

SAHPs aren't penalised

They suffer the consequences to their actions

What about approaching it as a career break/sabbatical ? You and DH agree you will take a certain period of time out of paid employment- being at home is still work. It’s just not paid or really particularly valued sadly.
Say 2 years. 6 months before the end date you relook at it. What’s working, what’s not etc.
However it has to be clear from the get go that any income coming into the house is family income. Not his. Family income. Purchases over a certain about of ££ to be discussed on a case by case basis.
Only you and he know if that will work for your marriage. It is very true you will never get that time back again with your baby. DH is the higher earner in our house. Me being at home has enabled him to really concentrate on his job - no sharing collecting the kids from nursery or looking after them when sick. It also means we get to enjoy our weekends more as I deal with anything that would have usually been saved for the weekend had we both had paid jobs.

You can't dump all the financial responsibility on your dh if he is not 100% in agreement.
Plus cost of living,savings,pensions,you need to seriously think this through sensibly,not with a self indulgent head on.

Again, not entirely sure what’s self indulgent about nurturing my children whilst I don’t work outside the home but… ok?

I think this is sensible, I think he has started to come round to the idea of it all but it needs to be agreed 100% before we go ahead (by both of us) and we agree where the lines are and who is expecting what etc etc . We are open and have great communication so ultimately, it will be a joint choice no matter what. He’s not tight with money or mean in any way. I think the current climate has him worried, as it does for us all at the moment so that is impacting his thoughts in it all. Very valid concerns. I’d be happy to forgo any big spending etc for a few years to stay at home, he would be too