Neighbour demanding money

[4or5]

My neighbour is asking me to “cough up!” So earlier this month I took the DC to the beach for the day. When I arrived home there was a letter from the next door neighbour (elderly lady, lives alone) saying that all the banging from my house had caused a picture to fall off the wall, and she expected a contribution to the cost of having it reframed. I promptly popped over to get more detail. She said that it had happened at around 9:30pm the evening before and claims that there was horrendous banging coming from my house, I explained that my 20yr old DS sleeps in the room adjoining her house and that he wasn’t home until gone 11:30pm and went straight to bed, therefore he couldn’t have been banging anything. The wall between the two houses is also solid brick so I can’t see how she would hear any noise that couldn’t be heard from inside my own house, let alone cause such a vibration that it caused a picture to fly off the wall. After I explained, I thought that was the matter dealt with. Anyway yesterday she knocked round telling me that my DS has a big bill coming his way, I asked what for? and she said about the picture. (No longer asking for a contribution, wants DS to foot the whole bill) I explained again that no one was in the room so we cannot be responsible for her picture falling, her response was “So you’re not going to cough up?” I stayed polite and sympathised that her picture was broken but firmly let her know we would not be paying anything. She’s now saying she’ll get her family involved, which is fine, I will explain the same to them (If no one was there how could they be banging!) We are new to a small village and I fear this could escalate quickly into us being the scum of the village. AIBU to think it’s unfair for us to take the blame?

I rather enjoy a good doorstep row so I’d be happy to see her family at my door.

Shes obviously acting irrationally. If someone a few decades later came round and demanded payment for their picture falling off the wall you’d think they were bonkers. So it’s ageist in my mind to treat this any differently just because she’s ‘old’.

i wouldn’t be acknowledging this in writing at all. Keep your game face on and if anyone spears at your door demanding money I want you to record the conversation on your phone and make it clear that any further demand for money will be considered harassment and you will be forced to talk to the police/solicitor about it.

I'd be tempted to try and get proof that DS was out of the house, ie work rota/contact/individual brief letters from his friends confirming he was with them, credit card payment slip if he was out spending money. That way you have proof he was definitely out of the house. Also, if the wall is in good order from your side, I'd doing a video of it now just in case it goes further. If you can come up with this, you might want to show her the proof, and have one more calm attempt as sorting it out with her.

Family may not want to get involved, unless you were being verbally abusive/threatening. My DM goes on and on about things, gets things twisted and I never get involved.

I suspect she can't take much further action without it costing her more money than the alleged damage.

If you own your property, I'd try to avoid anything in writing at this stage due to the fact you have to declare if you've had problems with neighbours. I used to be a legal secretary and trust me it doesn't go away if you lie on the paperwork and get found out later.

Once when I was staying at my mum's, the downstairs neighbour got very angry with me saying we'd kept her awake late at night dragging furniture around our flat. My mum had gone to bed about half 8 and I'd just sat on the sofa watching telly quietly until 10 and then gone to bed myself - there was absolutely no way that what she said had happened, happened, and indeed nothing that could even have been misinterpreted as furniture dragging... and yet she was adamant and very upset about it.

Idk, people are just weird sometimes...

Having lived through the nightmare of dementia with my dad, I say this is ringing alarm bells- it’s an irrational , paranoid but deeply held belief, of the type my dad had frequently. I would just try and avoid her/ kick it into the long grass if you see her and hope she drops it.

I suspect the frame may have deteriorated over the years and become loose which your ndn didn't notice. If it had fallen down at 9:30pm why didn't she knock on the door to see what you were doing?

£100 🤣. No way would I pay this. I would send her a polite letter, with the letter ultimately saying you aren’t responsible and aren’t paying anything

Sorry meant in the letter, not with the letter!

I would not send anything in a letter as it formalises the dispute. Just continue to ignore.

I know a woman just like this. Nasty is her default. Rude and vicious when interacting with anyone. No one liked her, not even her family.
She's in a care home now and I see her a lot when visiting there. The staff say it's her dementia and are quite shocked to hear when I tell them that it's not, she's been like that for the past 30 years. She's just a lot louder now and they should be happy she's not able to get out of her chair independently.

My Grandad used to do similar to his neighbours, it was awful - he had schizophrenia, exacerbated by uncontrolled diabetes and vascular dementia.

I felt so sorry for the poor neighbours (and my Granny!).

Just be polite, you don’t want to get a reputation for being rude and unpleasant when you’ve just moved in.

we lived opposite an elderly lady who was always accusing us of bizarre intrusions ( stolen my teaspoons, those are my sheets on your line….). We just smiled sweetly and said….nothing. Went indoors with the sheets.

she got bored because we wouldn’t engage. No one thought we were horrid.

How many children do you have op?

I am hoping that her family will be rational. I have got text messages from DS from that night letting me know that his train was due in at 11:10pm and asking for a lift home from the station. No family members have been round so far and it’s now been nearly 3 weeks since the picture fell.
with respect to dementia… yes it’s possible. I worked in adult care for a lot of years and there are certainly traits however I’ve also met plenty of spiteful old folk who just like being nasty, with no condition at all. Truthfully I don’t know her well enough to be able to comment on her mental state. I do sympathise that her picture is broken but it’s unfair to try and pass the blame and cost to us.

Don’t give her a penny. She’s trying it on

I would just try to dial it all down. If anyone comes to speak to you about it, just listen patiently, tilt your head to one side and say 'That all sounds so unlikely, given we both have solid brick walls. Do you think you may need a professional survey to check your house is OK?' and ask them 'Do you not think it more likely the fixing failed?' Don't get too aerated about it, don't even accept the premise of the question - you do not need evidence your son was not there, because even if he was there it couldn't have happened. By trying to prove your son was not there, you are going along with the idea it could even have happened. You are falling down their rabbit hole.

Do. Not. Engage. (Unless it gets to the point you have no option, in which case it is harassment). The neighbours have already told you this person gets muddled.

The picture could have fallen for a lot of reasons, none of which are connected to her next door neighbour! Or she could just be a nasty piece of work trying to extort money for something that didn't happen.

Sadly it’s quite likely. Many many patients in the early stages of dementia have fallen through the cracks as a result of covid and haven’t got the help or support they need. My FIL was one, and we realised because he ended up in a dreadful dispute with his neighbour over anything and everything. We could see he was getting worked up over nothing and obsessing about the neighbour. It was the start of a stressful decline. The neighbour had zero tolerance or understanding but we can’t judge as we weren’t in their shoes living next door.

She's heard the banging as the picture fell to the floor, gone into the room and seen the damage, then wrongly assumed that the noise was the cause of the incident than the result of it.

Best case, she has dementia. Worst case, she's just a troublemaker. If her family come round ask them to keep a closer eye on her because she's clearly not herself.

Otherwise, just don't engage with her. If she persists in harrassing you contact the police or the council.

I am an ex EHO who specialised in noise pollution issues so this might be a helpful perspective. Many older people suffer with tinnitus and whilst the classic high pitched whine is what the majority hear some hear thuds and bumps which they are assume are coming from an external source. I have spent many hours sitting in the living rooms of older people waiting to hear "the banging noise" which they can hear and I could not. I think you just have to ignore this and hope its a one off. if it isnt then my best advice is to contact her family and make them aware of the situation in a positive and gentle way (in writing) as they may be unaware of her deteriorating health. Its a really difficult one to deal with long term if it happens again so best to try and nip it in the bud if you can.

I think "We weren't banging. The string must've broken" approach is best.

very much this

Be firm, and don’t take it too seriously. Even if she doesn’t have dementia she is being bonkers

This is excellent advice for how to manage and take control.

Dementia being the other likely possibility

She obviously thinks something has happened - or she's chancing it and is a CF.

Th self entitlement of so many people these days 🙄

My elderly next door neighbour told us that building work we'd had done had caused cracking in his plaster in an adjoining room and wanted it all redone. When our builder went round to check he saw that there was paint in the cracks so they'd obviously been there for years. I'm assuming he was irritated by our noise and maybe noticed the cracking for the first time & did 2+2=5. So I'd guess that maybe your neighbour has been a bit disturbed by your son sometimes and therefore it's the first thing she thought of when the picture fell. I'd just bear in mind that she's hearing him & be considerate of that. Other than that, just be polite but firm.