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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ditch staying at ILs and book a hotel

337 replies

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 24/08/2022 21:39

At the ILs at the moment, arrived today, staying in their spare rooms at their insistence- we wanted to get a hotel for these 2 nights like we usually do. But ILs were quite offended at the thought of us doing that yet again and made a bit of a deal about us staying at theirs this time. So we agreed.

We have 2 DC, 5 & 9, and this house is so not a child-friendly environment. MIL is always freaking out about the kids touching the walls, fretting about them knocking over the 5,271 trinkets she has on each of the million sideboards they own, not letting us play UNO at any of the tables in case we scratch the varnished surfaces etc.

i can cope with all of that just about. But what’s really pissed me off is the fact that Ive just spent over an hour trying to get a terrified 5yo to sleep because of a stupid ‘rule’, and have just raised the white flag.

So ILs went to bed at 8pm. They don’t usually sleep so early but I suspect it’s a PA way of telling us we’ve knackered them out.

Anyway this was the same time as DS’s bedtime. Being a 5yo boy he’s terrified of the dark and at home we leave the landing light on when he’s in bed and the door ajar. Did this tonight and (Step)FIL came out and knocked the landing light off then stomped back into the bedroom. DS screamed for me, so I raced back in and comforted him. Thought SFIL probably didn’t realise that DS would be scared, so I turned it back on then realised that Thier bedroom door was open a good 2 feet. SFIL came out and said “actually the landing light has to stay off. We leave our bedroom door open in case the cat wants to come in, and the light being on is disturbing us trying to sleep.” I said oh right it’s just DS is really frightened of total dark and he said “Oh well never mind. good night” and went back to bed.

Cue an hour of me going between trying to get DS to put up with it being dark, to putting on the bedroom lamp (that has no shade, because why would it, they have 3 fucking candle extinguishers in the room but no lampshade) and that was too bright, to trying to bring in other (shaded) lamps from other rooms, which just distracted him.

After an hour of trying to calm DS down/find the right lamp that’s not too bright and not too dim, like some sort of middle aged Goldilocks, I gave up and tag teamed with DH to take over.

He’s still up there now. Can hear ILs snoring like a pair of water buffalos (so pleased they have their door open). Can’t hear DS and DH so hoping they’ve fallen asleep too.

Why the fuck did the ILs ask us so desperately to come and stay at their home if they don’t want to make any adjustments for us being here? I know it’s their house but does that mean they should make a unnecessarily unpleasant environment for your 5yo grandson, because it might otherwise upset the bloody cat?

WIBU to book a hotel room for tomorrow? Even if I just take DS - it’s been years since I’ve had a struggle to get a child to sleep like that and I really CBA to do it all over again tomorrow.

To be clear: The ILs will be extremely offended if I do this and will likely moan about the time I left them to stay in a hotel, from now until the end of time.

OP posts:
Circlesandtriangles · 24/08/2022 23:41

They are so inconsiderate! Go to the hotel asap!!

HangingOver · 24/08/2022 23:47

We’ve got £1,000 per roll silk wallpaper all over and it’d still never occur to me to tell people not to touch it

This absolutely blows my mind nothing in my house is worth £1000

How?? How do you paste is on? Is it not really floppy?

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 24/08/2022 23:48

I have to say when my DGC visit, I'd sleep standing g on my head if it made them happy!

ohfourfoxache · 24/08/2022 23:54

Fuck that for a lark

I’d pack up tonight, get the car loaded and leave early for a leisurely breakfast…..lasting until check in

TheLadyofShalott1 · 24/08/2022 23:54

Sorry @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet but I wish you were leaving early tomorrow morning to go home. However, as you are staying in a hotel could you go as soon as early check in let's you, let the children have a play, then take them out to either that swimming pool or farm park in the afternoon, have an evening meal at the Premier Inn or associated pub (with a meal deal for you and your DH, and therefore a proper breakfast in the morning).

Then your DH can go back to visit his Mum and step-dad, while he tells them that you have had to stay behind to put your DS to bed early as he missed such a lot of sleep last night due to not being allowed the landing light on. Please don't apologise for any of it, just because they are in their early 70's it does not give them the right to behave like that, and they need calling out on it, not everyone brushing it under the carpet to keep the piece. If you don't change anything then nothing will change.

My DH and I about the same ages as your in laws, we are paternal grandparents, so I think it is ok for me to say that you should no longer tolerate their behaviour.

Charliecatpaws · 24/08/2022 23:55

I’d never visit them again, going to bed at 8pm that’s making you very unwelcome

Brigante9 · 24/08/2022 23:56

You stayed in all day?! Why?? I visited my dm recently, god forbid she leave the house and she too goes to bed at like 8pm then wonders why she’s awake at 3am, claiming she’s an insomniac. No, mother, you went to bed at 8, of course you’re fucking awake at 3, you idiot! I just went out, walked the dogs, organised a get together and ignored her, or we’d have been sat in the stifling heat (she has an Aga in a suburban property, madness) with the windows and doors all closed as she smokes her head off. All day! She kept mopping the floor, despite a baby playing there and the dogs being in and out of a wet garden. Insane.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 00:02

@Brigante9 lol! If it was my mum I’d say ‘sod that for a game of soldiers’ and go out but DH is too laid back (aka has his head in the fucking clouds). I feel it’s on him to lead the bit of standing up to his parents but he either isn’t paying attention or is ‘happy either way’ 🙄 he is happy to roll his eyes at their moaning and laugh with me about the trinkets but he’s not as irritated overall as me about this situation.

OP posts:
StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 00:05

HangingOver · 24/08/2022 23:47

We’ve got £1,000 per roll silk wallpaper all over and it’d still never occur to me to tell people not to touch it

This absolutely blows my mind nothing in my house is worth £1000

How?? How do you paste is on? Is it not really floppy?

Not a clue. The previous owners put it up. It’s quite nice, but the concept of spending 30,000 to paper the stairway isn’t really one I can see me going for.

Brigante9 · 25/08/2022 00:07

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 00:02

@Brigante9 lol! If it was my mum I’d say ‘sod that for a game of soldiers’ and go out but DH is too laid back (aka has his head in the fucking clouds). I feel it’s on him to lead the bit of standing up to his parents but he either isn’t paying attention or is ‘happy either way’ 🙄 he is happy to roll his eyes at their moaning and laugh with me about the trinkets but he’s not as irritated overall as me about this situation.

But equally, @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet id be looking at my dc and thinking gotta go out, can’t be stuck indoors all day and suggesting somewhere to go (much like my Dh did last week at my dm’s place). It doesn’t have to be left to your Dh to decide to go out. Weren’t the kids going crazy?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 00:09

My kids would be happy if you stuck them in a card board box. I think the novelty of being somewhere they haven’t been in ages excited them. We were in the garden most of the day though which definitely helped.

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 25/08/2022 00:13

Just tell them the dcat was giving you evil looks so you felt you had to leave...

Mythreefavouritethings · 25/08/2022 00:22

Agree, get yourselves out of there. It's just a shame you can't leave right now, if only to turn the landing light back on on the way out. FIL's blasé comment about your son as he went back to bed sounds heartless. Enjoy the hotel, unpack the Uno and give yourselves the day you all deserve. Hope your son - and you and DH, get some rest and that the cat doesn't poo on their heads on its nocturnal travels.

Ishacoco · 25/08/2022 00:27

"We HAVE decided to go to an hotel, it's a shame but it seems that your house and the children are not compatible. We're very grateful to you for inviting us to stay, but I think it's best if we stay elsewhere. That way you don't need to worry about the landing light being on and things knocked off tables."

Sswhinesthebest · 25/08/2022 00:34

You can’t beat a good old trusty premier inn.

OldFan · 25/08/2022 00:34

I think some people can get like that more as they get older, but @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet do you think it makes a difference that it's a Step-FIL? I was all up for having a Step-MiL (who arrived in my dad's later life,) but she definitely wants my dad all to herself and tries to make things very difficult sometimes on the rare occasions we see him, and especially staying over. I mean, lying and telling him I'd stolen a slice of bread and stuff, and kicking off saying she feels 'sidelined' when my dad and I saw each other for the first time in several years, even though we asked her to join us in everything.

Charliecatpaws · 25/08/2022 00:46

Ishacoco · 25/08/2022 00:27

"We HAVE decided to go to an hotel, it's a shame but it seems that your house and the children are not compatible. We're very grateful to you for inviting us to stay, but I think it's best if we stay elsewhere. That way you don't need to worry about the landing light being on and things knocked off tables."

This is what you need to say

Skittlesthough · 25/08/2022 00:54

I remember when I was really little we went to stay in my grand dad's house for a week (over to England from Ireland) ... we ended up leaving on day 3 when grandad was out of the house.. all very rushed... we travelled from Preston to Manchester to stay with some of dad's family for the rest of the week .... asked mum about it years later and she described the environment in her dad's house as similar to your IL, so her and dad packed us up (three kids aged 4, 7 & 8) and we left without saying a word to grandad.

I actually remember our stay in Manchester as one of my favourite holidays, we actually extended the trip by 3 days we had loads of fun with my dad's family, lots of cousins to play with etc. My mum never regretted leaving 😊

TheLadyofShalott1 · 25/08/2022 00:54

Ishacoco · 25/08/2022 00:27

"We HAVE decided to go to an hotel, it's a shame but it seems that your house and the children are not compatible. We're very grateful to you for inviting us to stay, but I think it's best if we stay elsewhere. That way you don't need to worry about the landing light being on and things knocked off tables."

Sorry @Ishacoco but I don't agree with you at all. People like the OP's in laws do not understand politeness. The way you worded it will not let them know that they have been terrible hosts and awful grandparents. If I ever behaved like that I would want to be pulled up on it, and told that if I didn't buck my ideas up my DDiL and my DGC would not be visiting again until the DGC are teenagers, and only then if they wanted to.

But then, even though I am of pension age myself now, I am not senile, and I haven't entered my second childhood, I definitely do not agree with the adage that older means wiser, or that we should respect our elders - automatically, no matter what, just because they are older - those sentiments smack of the absurd to me.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 25/08/2022 01:02

I'm a grandparent, and do have rules in my house (like no jumping on the furniture or beds) that my DGSS's have learned over their lifetime - with familiarity in my home, and comfort and loads of fun and love! Your DC are in a strange environment and don't know the rules, and are scared and uncomfortable, so you're going to a hotel. That's the message I'd be giving them when you leave.

You probably do not need to spell out what has been done that is so wrong when hosting family, they'll figure that out. Maybe. If they ask outright, I'd tell them exactly what you told us.

That man letting your DS who is a BABY be scared in the dark breaks my heart. I'm so sorry for him, and for you.

PeloAddict · 25/08/2022 01:04

I feel you about staying in other peoples houses. I end up going the other way with people so "everything is yours help yourself" Grin

Would be mortified if someone was uncomfortable

deeperthanallroses · 25/08/2022 01:07

I’d have turned the light back on-he’s scared fil, you’re not scared of the light. And would it really be the end of the world if they knock a few trinkets over? It would nicely clarify that you should stay at a hotel forevermore!

nokidshere · 25/08/2022 02:23

It’s basically a command to not go and makes me feel like I’m a child again. Similar conversations happened when I brought up going shopping and to a farm park. So we stayed in. All day.

Seriously? You are a grown woman with a family. Why would you stay in an unsuitable situation, worrying that something might get knocked, touched or broken when you could simply have said you were going out.

Even when at home it's generally accepted that children are better with some fresh air, Staying in an vastly overfilled space with no room to move I would say it's an absolute necessity.

nokidshere · 25/08/2022 02:28

That man letting your DS who is a BABY be scared in the dark breaks my heart. I'm so sorry for him, and for you.

Typically for MN overblowing the situation. OP could have had a lamp in the bedroom on, if it was too bright it could have been covered, or you can use your phone as a nightlight. FIL didn't say no lights, just not the one in the hall.

I agree they sound unwelcoming and the place was unsuitable but OP knew that before they went. She also knew her son was afraid of the dark so should take a night light with her anyway.

Crimsonripple · 25/08/2022 02:33

I really hate selfish Grandparents like this. Particularly prioritising a bloody cat over their Grandchild. Tbh I would just pack up and go home as they really don't care about spending quality time with their family.