Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ditch staying at ILs and book a hotel

337 replies

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 24/08/2022 21:39

At the ILs at the moment, arrived today, staying in their spare rooms at their insistence- we wanted to get a hotel for these 2 nights like we usually do. But ILs were quite offended at the thought of us doing that yet again and made a bit of a deal about us staying at theirs this time. So we agreed.

We have 2 DC, 5 & 9, and this house is so not a child-friendly environment. MIL is always freaking out about the kids touching the walls, fretting about them knocking over the 5,271 trinkets she has on each of the million sideboards they own, not letting us play UNO at any of the tables in case we scratch the varnished surfaces etc.

i can cope with all of that just about. But what’s really pissed me off is the fact that Ive just spent over an hour trying to get a terrified 5yo to sleep because of a stupid ‘rule’, and have just raised the white flag.

So ILs went to bed at 8pm. They don’t usually sleep so early but I suspect it’s a PA way of telling us we’ve knackered them out.

Anyway this was the same time as DS’s bedtime. Being a 5yo boy he’s terrified of the dark and at home we leave the landing light on when he’s in bed and the door ajar. Did this tonight and (Step)FIL came out and knocked the landing light off then stomped back into the bedroom. DS screamed for me, so I raced back in and comforted him. Thought SFIL probably didn’t realise that DS would be scared, so I turned it back on then realised that Thier bedroom door was open a good 2 feet. SFIL came out and said “actually the landing light has to stay off. We leave our bedroom door open in case the cat wants to come in, and the light being on is disturbing us trying to sleep.” I said oh right it’s just DS is really frightened of total dark and he said “Oh well never mind. good night” and went back to bed.

Cue an hour of me going between trying to get DS to put up with it being dark, to putting on the bedroom lamp (that has no shade, because why would it, they have 3 fucking candle extinguishers in the room but no lampshade) and that was too bright, to trying to bring in other (shaded) lamps from other rooms, which just distracted him.

After an hour of trying to calm DS down/find the right lamp that’s not too bright and not too dim, like some sort of middle aged Goldilocks, I gave up and tag teamed with DH to take over.

He’s still up there now. Can hear ILs snoring like a pair of water buffalos (so pleased they have their door open). Can’t hear DS and DH so hoping they’ve fallen asleep too.

Why the fuck did the ILs ask us so desperately to come and stay at their home if they don’t want to make any adjustments for us being here? I know it’s their house but does that mean they should make a unnecessarily unpleasant environment for your 5yo grandson, because it might otherwise upset the bloody cat?

WIBU to book a hotel room for tomorrow? Even if I just take DS - it’s been years since I’ve had a struggle to get a child to sleep like that and I really CBA to do it all over again tomorrow.

To be clear: The ILs will be extremely offended if I do this and will likely moan about the time I left them to stay in a hotel, from now until the end of time.

OP posts:
HotWashCycle · 25/08/2022 17:09

CatsandFish
Do you do the "Be Kind" line at all?

WinterDeWinter · 25/08/2022 17:14

They do sound really awful - but I think the care homes joke was really cruel of your dh. I bet that felt like a gut punch, especially since she sounded really excited about a special shopping trip with him. She would have felt a bit humiliated by that, as well as hurt by the care home comment.

Parpophone · 25/08/2022 17:23

momtoboys · 25/08/2022 14:55

Book the hotel immediately.

@momtoboys

RTFT.

Immediately.

OovoofWelcome · 25/08/2022 17:27

Yes, so the care home ‘joke’ came before the early night/turning light off etc?

Why did he make such a horrible joke to her? Anger from a previous visit? That wasn’t good.

Signoramarella · 25/08/2022 17:32

Bollocks to that, Go to a hotel. Outrageous.

Lunde · 25/08/2022 17:44

OovoofWelcome · 25/08/2022 17:27

Yes, so the care home ‘joke’ came before the early night/turning light off etc?

Why did he make such a horrible joke to her? Anger from a previous visit? That wasn’t good.

I think it came after the homophobic comments

Christonabike37 · 25/08/2022 17:46

God they sound fucking vile. Glad you're out of there. And glad you challenge every evil thing she says!

MzHz · 25/08/2022 17:48

Midlifecrisis74 · 24/08/2022 22:09

Solidarity!

At my parents. Wondering whether to leave early tomorrow. I've spent most of today in tears because my dad had been so awful. He has told my child off for using a pencil without asking amongst other things. He has had a go at me for being inconsiderate to my mum ( I wasn't). I am having serious triggers back to my abusive marriage having spent today treading on eggshells. I even apologized for the imagined problem I caused and had it thrown in my face with another lecture about how I had to be more considerate.

If you have the confidence to leave, then go.

Oh @Midlifecrisis74 ! :( at least you can now see where you got the conditioning that made you vulnerable to your ex

make a promise to yourself now that you won’t ever put yourself or your little ones in this position again. And fuck your parents for treating you like this! They have no right to bully you. Go low contact and make sure everything is ONLY on your terms from now on.

im cross on your behalf (((hug)))

Blossomtoes · 25/08/2022 17:58

I think it came after the homophobic comments

My understanding was it came before them. Perhaps @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet could clarify?

goldfinchfan · 25/08/2022 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pallisers · 25/08/2022 18:14

AldiLidlDeeDee · 25/08/2022 16:23

@CatsandFish

😱 Bloody hell. You actually sound far more controlling and judgemental than the OP’s MIL.

Seriously!

LakieLady · 25/08/2022 18:16

WitTanks · 24/08/2022 23:14

I'm glad you've booked the hotel.

They sound incredibly fucking rude. Who the hell goes to bed at 8pm when they've invited people to stay over? It's just so passive aggressive and rude

I did, when my utterly intolerable (now ex-) MIL came to stay.

I was sufficiently diplomatic to pretend I had a migraine though, and didn't tell her that I simply couldn't stand another nanosecond of her inane wittering, trying to convert me to catholicism (I'm an atheist) or racist remarks. It might have been pass-agg and rude, but after 48 hours in her company the only alternative would have been murder.

bellac11 · 25/08/2022 18:21

Blossomtoes · 25/08/2022 13:02

I agree but it really was dreadful, who’d find that funny? It seems to be a family trait, though - the care homes “joke” was pretty vile too.

Its not funny. But another poster translated it into 'she wants to abuse children'

Typical exaggeration and making things up as per normal on this forum

However OP is now out of it I presume (I havnet got to the end yet) and hopefully wont stay there again

As for the poster whose inlaws wont them them bath or shower??? What ?????

Why on earth are people staying in places where they dont want to. All you have to say is that you dont like staying in other people's homes and want a hotel. No one has to justify to anyone why they are making choices about their own needs. This is all crazy stuff

FoodieToo · 25/08/2022 18:27

Sorry OP but your post is very funny and made me laugh!!!
I would be out of there so fast it would be unreal. Who the hell puts up with that kind of nonsense !!
Hope you got sorted .

bellac11 · 25/08/2022 18:29

CatsandFish · 25/08/2022 14:07

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet Please tell me you're joking re taking them out to dinner tonight? You can't be serious? Get some self respect, and CANCEL it. Firstly, they treated you deplorably, treated you own vulnerable children deplorably, then accused your son of being gay, they were homophobic, and then said they saw how people could 'hurt' children. As softly and gently as I can, What the F is wrong with you that you would even entertain taking them to dinner, to REWARD and ENABLE them for that treatment? You should be ashamed of yourself if you do. You should be going NC from this second onwards, at least until they apologise/change their attitudes, but even if they did, I could never, Never get past what they said about 'nancy boy' and hurting children. If you reward and enable them by taking them out to dinner you are giving them the impression it's ok as usual and they did nothing wrong. FFS, get some self respect, give your head a wobble, put your children and morals and values first, and don't go to dinner and don't speak to them ever again until they apologise. Seriously shame on you both if you go, you've lost all sympathy from me then.

Over the top!!

She didnt like staying there, they said stupid things. It doesnt make them serial killers for gods sake. They are family and often we have to accept family for all their flaws, just like they accept our flaws. We can still have relationships with people even if we dont share all their views or lifestyle

bellac11 · 25/08/2022 18:34

CatsandFish · 25/08/2022 15:41

So you'd rather take the cowardly way out just to 'not risk a drama' ie not stand up for what is right? Reading the OP's posts, she has more reason than most to go NC with the PIL and not go to the dinner, the things PIL said are unforgivable and unable for any parent worth their decency to get past.

Putting her kids first would be to not go to the dinner.

You sound unhinged.

'standing up for what is right'

'not putting the children first'

What are you on? This a meal out with family. They dont have to hate each other for the rest of their lives, they just know that staying over doesnt work for either of them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/08/2022 18:45

Well handled op. I hope the meal hasn’t been too arduous.

Bellac
I agree with what you’re saying re accepting flaws. However, the in laws definitely do not accept op’s family’s flaws.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/08/2022 18:47

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 15:19

The meal was pre-booked before we came. Just a Chinese buffet place. I actually want to go just to see how cats bum mouth they’ve become!

Dont want to go home as there’s lots to do in the area for the kids so gonna make a day of it tomorrow too

And:
To be clear: The ILs will be extremely offended if I do this and will likely moan about the time I left them to stay in a hotel, from now until the end of time.

Given how inhospitable they've been, and with MIL's jaw-dropping comments and them clattering about from 5.30 onwards, I think it is almost inevitable that there will be performative offence-taking at the restaurant.

Could I just make the suggestion, that since they're going to 'hang' you anyway, it might as well be for a sheep as a lamb? By which I mean, don't make any soothing noises or pretend that you've gone to a hotel for their convenience. For example, if they humph on about the landing light disturbing them, respond in a mild tone that the sound of their snoring through their open bedroom door was disturbing for you and by the way, that nasty gulping noise one of you does in your sleep, it sounds like sleep apnoea and you really should be going to your GP about that. Comments about wasting money on a hotel should be met with a direct gaze and the phrase 'worth every penny".

You get the idea.

JubileeTrifle · 25/08/2022 18:49

Jeez I had 20 years staying at the PILs. They seemed to want to make it as awful and uncomfortable as possible and then when we were leaving would complain we didn’t come more often/longer.
Pre children their favourite trick was to stay up most of the night and then sleep all day knowing we had to be up and out quite often. But FIL would get up at 7am and make lots of noise before going back to bed. I was always bad tempered and tired. They also refused to replace anything we slept on which were horrible and uncomfortable.
Post children they seemed to think children should be happy to sleep anywhere on command. Including in the front room with visitors and everyone there watching TV? This was an example of how I was spoiling them apparently. They should also nap all day and never be seen. They should also eat dinner at 7pm but also go to bed at 5.30pm.
They were also unhappy if you wanted to leave the house for any reason whatsoever. Were just meant to sit in the dark for days on end. Thank fuck that’s over with.

bellac11 · 25/08/2022 18:52

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/08/2022 18:45

Well handled op. I hope the meal hasn’t been too arduous.

Bellac
I agree with what you’re saying re accepting flaws. However, the in laws definitely do not accept op’s family’s flaws.

Well they do, in that they didnt ask OP to leave, we dont know why and we dont know why they actually invited the family to stay given that they dont really like people being in their house/are worried about people being in their house.

But then people do strange things. It was strange OP agreed to stay in the first place. I think a lot of it comes from people not knowing themselves very well, let alone other people. Me personally, I do not like staying in other peoples homes.

So life isnt perfect, people dont always get on and at other times in other situations they do.

Pipsquiggle · 25/08/2022 19:06

Well done OP - for the hotel and calling out her homophobic comment.
Hope the Chinese buffet was OK

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 19:19

Back at the hotel now - we managed to keep the buffet dinner to 45 mins.

It was mostly fine, they asked about the hotel etc. I think they’re probably thinking it was a good idea after a stress free day.

The were a couple tense (and one which was v v melodramatic) moments. The kids, like most people at buffets, had eyes bigger than their bellies and so had some of their main meal left on their plates when they asked to go up for dessert. MIL chipped in “No dessert until you’ve cleared your plate”. I had to say we don’t have that rule, and yes kids you can go for dessert.

Massively OTT moment was when MIL accidentally flattened DS. She was coming back to the table with her ice cream and he got up to use the loo, not seeing she was behind him. So she bumped into him then did a completely melodramatic gasp and lunged forward, knocking DS to the ground and stepping on his leg.

If something like that happened with me or DH, the kids would piss themselves laughing and poke fun at us for the rest of the meal. So DD massively got the giggles. MIL was NOT impressed, and said it’s not funny and DD shouldn’t laugh at people. I told DD to stop but I think it was the fact that MIL’s dessert went ‘splat’ on another diner’s shoe, she just got uncontrollable giggles so took ages to simmer down. MIL also banged on about kids looking where they’re going - DH said the boy hasn’t got eyes in the back of his head it was just unfortunate timing no one’s fault.

Both MIL and DS are fine otherwise

Other than that it was a very pleasant meal and we won’t be seeing them tomorrow. Result!

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 19:21

Oh and to answer PPs the care home comment came after the homophobic comment. DH was riled up by it I think. But again it’s the kind of humour we’d have between ourselves but I’m not sure MIL was v impressed (which was DH’s intention).

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/08/2022 19:30

Haha no blood on the chopsticks then. Grin

Well handled by you and DH I think. Now relax and enjoy your hotel room!

Chillow · 25/08/2022 19:36

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 13:51

Re nightlights, they’re far too dim for DS.

im in heaven - hotels are soooo much nicer when they’re being used to escape nightmare ILs

You can get some really bright ones.

Much better than leaving landing lights on.