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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ditch staying at ILs and book a hotel

337 replies

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 24/08/2022 21:39

At the ILs at the moment, arrived today, staying in their spare rooms at their insistence- we wanted to get a hotel for these 2 nights like we usually do. But ILs were quite offended at the thought of us doing that yet again and made a bit of a deal about us staying at theirs this time. So we agreed.

We have 2 DC, 5 & 9, and this house is so not a child-friendly environment. MIL is always freaking out about the kids touching the walls, fretting about them knocking over the 5,271 trinkets she has on each of the million sideboards they own, not letting us play UNO at any of the tables in case we scratch the varnished surfaces etc.

i can cope with all of that just about. But what’s really pissed me off is the fact that Ive just spent over an hour trying to get a terrified 5yo to sleep because of a stupid ‘rule’, and have just raised the white flag.

So ILs went to bed at 8pm. They don’t usually sleep so early but I suspect it’s a PA way of telling us we’ve knackered them out.

Anyway this was the same time as DS’s bedtime. Being a 5yo boy he’s terrified of the dark and at home we leave the landing light on when he’s in bed and the door ajar. Did this tonight and (Step)FIL came out and knocked the landing light off then stomped back into the bedroom. DS screamed for me, so I raced back in and comforted him. Thought SFIL probably didn’t realise that DS would be scared, so I turned it back on then realised that Thier bedroom door was open a good 2 feet. SFIL came out and said “actually the landing light has to stay off. We leave our bedroom door open in case the cat wants to come in, and the light being on is disturbing us trying to sleep.” I said oh right it’s just DS is really frightened of total dark and he said “Oh well never mind. good night” and went back to bed.

Cue an hour of me going between trying to get DS to put up with it being dark, to putting on the bedroom lamp (that has no shade, because why would it, they have 3 fucking candle extinguishers in the room but no lampshade) and that was too bright, to trying to bring in other (shaded) lamps from other rooms, which just distracted him.

After an hour of trying to calm DS down/find the right lamp that’s not too bright and not too dim, like some sort of middle aged Goldilocks, I gave up and tag teamed with DH to take over.

He’s still up there now. Can hear ILs snoring like a pair of water buffalos (so pleased they have their door open). Can’t hear DS and DH so hoping they’ve fallen asleep too.

Why the fuck did the ILs ask us so desperately to come and stay at their home if they don’t want to make any adjustments for us being here? I know it’s their house but does that mean they should make a unnecessarily unpleasant environment for your 5yo grandson, because it might otherwise upset the bloody cat?

WIBU to book a hotel room for tomorrow? Even if I just take DS - it’s been years since I’ve had a struggle to get a child to sleep like that and I really CBA to do it all over again tomorrow.

To be clear: The ILs will be extremely offended if I do this and will likely moan about the time I left them to stay in a hotel, from now until the end of time.

OP posts:
babyfrenchie · 25/08/2022 02:35

Omg just go buy a nightlight and settle down

Dogroses · 25/08/2022 02:58

I one stayed at MIL's when DS2 was 8 months and DS1 was 3 (stepchildren both there and over 10.) MIL insisted we go for a walk in the evening and she'd be fine with them all. Walked around the block three times and came back to her sitting in the living room in a strop because baby woke up while we were gone and she refused to 'deal with him' (stepdaughter was holding him) and DS3 was sitting alone watching NCIS. So we don't stay there anymore...

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 25/08/2022 03:13

StillGoingStrongToday · 24/08/2022 23:30

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

& why, at 5&9, do they not know better than to have their hands on the walls?? likewise with ornaments & stuff. (5&9 NT, no disabilities really are old enough to be careful.

Er, what? Are children in your house not allowed to touch the walls? Is this some weird religious shit?

Why ever not? What do you have on them, anti-climb paint?

We’ve got £1,000 per roll silk wallpaper all over and it’d still never occur to me to tell people not to touch it.

I’m fascinated now, what sort of other arbitrary batshit rules do your poor children have to obey?

@StillGoingStrongToday

calm down Doris!

your post is weird. No one needs to be touching the walls, why would they?

TheOriginalChatelaine · 25/08/2022 03:23

A good exercise in being adaptable?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 06:30

OldFan · 25/08/2022 00:34

I think some people can get like that more as they get older, but @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet do you think it makes a difference that it's a Step-FIL? I was all up for having a Step-MiL (who arrived in my dad's later life,) but she definitely wants my dad all to herself and tries to make things very difficult sometimes on the rare occasions we see him, and especially staying over. I mean, lying and telling him I'd stolen a slice of bread and stuff, and kicking off saying she feels 'sidelined' when my dad and I saw each other for the first time in several years, even though we asked her to join us in everything.

Yes possibly.

She was with a right POS before her current DH and because this DH is less of a POS than the last I think we’ve probably been tricked into thinking he’s a good guy. He makes the right supportive noises but I suspect we are a massive thorn in his side.

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 06:32

So they got up about an hour ago, and in that time they seemed to have a door slamming competition, a plate clattering competition and despite neither being remotely hard of hearing, are loudly reminding one another to talk quietly so they don’t wake the kids. I’m lying here dreaming of that pillow menu tonight

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 25/08/2022 06:43

They really aren’t used to hosting, are they? I would probably go out for the morning then book into your hotel, have a bit of a chill then briefly visit the ils. I’d they get ranty or PA, just leave. I think the code, ‘lovely as it has been to see you both, it’s time for us to leave, say goodbye to granny and moody arse’, covers it.

Tonkerbea · 25/08/2022 07:08

They've been making noise since 5:30?? So inconsiderate. If they want people to visit them, they need to learn adjusting their usual routines is part of the deal.

MiddleParking · 25/08/2022 07:10

I don’t like the sound of your MIL at all, and I definitely think you should leave, but nevertheless the dynamic you describe of her being a follower to her DH’s leader, while he is deliberately looking rude and unpleasant to her visiting family, actually sounds quite concerning. Especially if she’s got a habit of picking wankers.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/08/2022 07:11

So they slept 8-530

i rhink they don’t want you to stay 😂

MiddleParking · 25/08/2022 07:11

Don’t know how the word ‘looking’ snuck in there - it was meant to say ‘deliberately rude and unpleasant’

00100001 · 25/08/2022 07:21

Just here for the fallout story

StoneofDestiny · 25/08/2022 07:23

Make sure you tell them very clearly why you are moving into a hotel.....


  • We are moving out because your grandson cannot sleep in the dark and you put the cats' need over your grandchild.

  • After a poor nights sleep for us you began banging doors at 5.30 am - seriously, who behaves like that

  • You have so many house rules it's impossible to relax

  • You have belittled our son with offensive terms like 'Nancy boy' - we are not subjecting our son to that from anybody

  • You need to be honest with yourselves - it's obvious you don't want us here

ApolloandDaphne · 25/08/2022 07:29

Is going to be all out warfare when they find out you are moving to a hotel today?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 07:35

Bloody DH is still asleep I can’t tell him to tell them.

Meanwhile I’m suffering PA aggressive comments like “Do they normally sleep in til this time?”. It’s 7.30am.

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 25/08/2022 07:40

Wake DH up!

picklemewalnuts · 25/08/2022 07:41

This is so like my mum.
Including the incredibly noisy at night stuff. Loud tea making, radio playing snoring...
I'm always shattered when I stay with her. She can talk the hind leg off a donkey, tells off anyone who interrupts tries to say anything at all. Complains about what you eat. Talks to you while you are trying to go to sleep. If she puts the tv on it's at top volume then she snores loudly through it. Halo

sanityisamyth · 25/08/2022 07:41

I've had similar issues with my Dad and SM. DS was about 2 and we went up to theirs in Yorkshire for Christmas. They are both exceptionally houseproud and were like a cat on hot bricks every time he touched a wall, carried a cup, played with his toys etc etc.

It came to the evening meal on Boxing Day and I was nearing the end of my tether but we were going home to Somerset (300 miles) the next day so light at the end of the tunnel.

They'd put a huge double sheet over the carpet under DS's high chair and gave him a very dry, beige meal but he dropped a small piece of food onto the sheet. My dad hit the roof and started shouting at him. Properly shouting. I started packing there and then. Dad and SM said I was over reacting and should stay the night.

Didn't see the point as was leaving on 12 hours anyway, and at least DS would sleep in the car on the way home (he didn't - he was still awake at 11pm!). DS is now 8 and we've never been up there since. I will never stay over and will book a hotel. The nearest Travelodge/Premier inn is 40 miles away from theres but I'd rather drive that than to have that experience again!

Lollypop701 · 25/08/2022 07:43

Just visualise the hotel… sitting on the big bed in pjs playing uno, sleeping children, go to Tescos and get the individual bottles of wine and some snacks to have whilst kids sleep. A lovely child accepting play area with lots of walls to touch. When do you check in!!!!

Sparkletastic · 25/08/2022 07:45

Oh god I've got the fear now as we are off for the annual trip to purgatory the in-laws this weekend. They are ok on sleeping arrangements but every mealtime is marred by simmering tension. I may need a thread of my own...

Stay strong OP and enjoy the hotel.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 07:46

DD is up. Have told her to think of a creative way to wake her dad up 🤣

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 07:47

Lollypop701 · 25/08/2022 07:43

Just visualise the hotel… sitting on the big bed in pjs playing uno, sleeping children, go to Tescos and get the individual bottles of wine and some snacks to have whilst kids sleep. A lovely child accepting play area with lots of walls to touch. When do you check in!!!!

1pm! I cannot wait.

OP posts:
Beelezebub · 25/08/2022 07:50

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 07:46

DD is up. Have told her to think of a creative way to wake her dad up 🤣

I’d tell her to think of a creative way to tell them that they’re not subtle or quiet with their pointed comments, and “we all heard you, you know, you do get up VERY early don’t you?”

Midlifecrisis74 · 25/08/2022 07:53

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 07:35

Bloody DH is still asleep I can’t tell him to tell them.

Meanwhile I’m suffering PA aggressive comments like “Do they normally sleep in til this time?”. It’s 7.30am.

I have the opposite issue. They go to bed super late. They talk and the bedroom is right above the spare room so I basically have to wait for them to go to bed. Then I'm up at 7am with my child and have to be quiet and find something to eat, because they're not up until 10.

I need to leave today if I can but not sure I will manage it.

They live hours away from me. I only manage it once a year now but I'm not sure I can stay here again. It's super sad. They're getting on and I will hardly see them anymore.

good luck with the escape @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet ! And thank you for your nice supportive comment.

Midlifecrisis74 · 25/08/2022 07:54

Sparkletastic · 25/08/2022 07:45

Oh god I've got the fear now as we are off for the annual trip to purgatory the in-laws this weekend. They are ok on sleeping arrangements but every mealtime is marred by simmering tension. I may need a thread of my own...

Stay strong OP and enjoy the hotel.

Fookin hell. Good luck 🤞😬