To ditch staying at ILs and book a hotel

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

At the ILs at the moment, arrived today, staying in their spare rooms at their insistence- we wanted to get a hotel for these 2 nights like we usually do. But ILs were quite offended at the thought of us doing that yet again and made a bit of a deal about us staying at theirs this time. So we agreed.

We have 2 DC, 5 & 9, and this house is so not a child-friendly environment. MIL is always freaking out about the kids touching the walls, fretting about them knocking over the 5,271 trinkets she has on each of the million sideboards they own, not letting us play UNO at any of the tables in case we scratch the varnished surfaces etc.

i can cope with all of that just about. But what’s really pissed me off is the fact that Ive just spent over an hour trying to get a terrified 5yo to sleep because of a stupid ‘rule’, and have just raised the white flag.

So ILs went to bed at 8pm. They don’t usually sleep so early but I suspect it’s a PA way of telling us we’ve knackered them out.

Anyway this was the same time as DS’s bedtime. Being a 5yo boy he’s terrified of the dark and at home we leave the landing light on when he’s in bed and the door ajar. Did this tonight and (Step)FIL came out and knocked the landing light off then stomped back into the bedroom. DS screamed for me, so I raced back in and comforted him. Thought SFIL probably didn’t realise that DS would be scared, so I turned it back on then realised that Thier bedroom door was open a good 2 feet. SFIL came out and said “actually the landing light has to stay off. We leave our bedroom door open in case the cat wants to come in, and the light being on is disturbing us trying to sleep.” I said oh right it’s just DS is really frightened of total dark and he said “Oh well never mind. good night” and went back to bed.

Cue an hour of me going between trying to get DS to put up with it being dark, to putting on the bedroom lamp (that has no shade, because why would it, they have 3 fucking candle extinguishers in the room but no lampshade) and that was too bright, to trying to bring in other (shaded) lamps from other rooms, which just distracted him.

After an hour of trying to calm DS down/find the right lamp that’s not too bright and not too dim, like some sort of middle aged Goldilocks, I gave up and tag teamed with DH to take over.

He’s still up there now. Can hear ILs snoring like a pair of water buffalos (so pleased they have their door open). Can’t hear DS and DH so hoping they’ve fallen asleep too.

Why the fuck did the ILs ask us so desperately to come and stay at their home if they don’t want to make any adjustments for us being here? I know it’s their house but does that mean they should make a unnecessarily unpleasant environment for your 5yo grandson, because it might otherwise upset the bloody cat?

WIBU to book a hotel room for tomorrow? Even if I just take DS - it’s been years since I’ve had a struggle to get a child to sleep like that and I really CBA to do it all over again tomorrow.

To be clear: The ILs will be extremely offended if I do this and will likely moan about the time I left them to stay in a hotel, from now until the end of time.

I think you would really benefit from listening to what people are telling you with their actions and taking it on board. They very very clearly did not want you there. The polite thing to do would be to heed that and leave. I know it’s over now but for future reference!

@GelatoQueen why are you putting yourself and your child through that again? Send your H off to his mothers spend a happy quiet half term at home.

we are taking them for a meal tonight as a thank you for hosting (lol!!)

WHY!?

She will just sit there with cat's bum mouth and FIL will be passive aggressive.

Good luck with that. I wouldn't have bothered and wouldn't bother seeing them again full stop.

FFS, I don't think the MIL was actually going to hurt the children, she just made a very unfunny, shitty joke.

@frazzledasarock - ah because it is to celebrate her big birthday and she has been muttering about coming to stay with us instead (which will be an unmitigated disaster and she will want to stay for a week).

If we go to hers we can get away with 2-3 nights max and go out with DH friends. We no longer sit in making polite conversation any more - it's all 'we're going to meet x this afternoon, see you later' or 'we've booked swimming, do you want to come with us and sit in the cafe'. DS is older now (9) and actually things it is quite funny ...

I’d have packed the kids up and gone and if they asked why I would have told them straight . I also would have reminded them that they wanted you to stay there so they have to make allowances.
go now. Do it!

I agree but it really was dreadful, who’d find that funny? It seems to be a family trait, though - the care homes “joke” was pretty vile too.

@GelatoQueen ah that makes more sense.

I think as I’ve got older my tolerance of being polite in the face of outright mean behaviour has plunged to non existent.

I love DH, but if his family made me feel unwelcome or comfortable I’d never ever stay over at theirs or bother visiting.
I’m NC with my toxic parents, be damned if I’ll put up other peoples parents shitty behaviour when I won’t my own!

Well no-one I would have thought, that's why I said it was an unfunny joke, plus it was in response to

Eugh, taking them for dinner? Your poor kids, being made to be around a woman who wants to hurt them

and

The grandmother wants to abuse the child, read what she said.

Can we all just give kudos to the DH in this that, for once on MN, was fully behind his wife to the point that she booked a hotel room without him knowing and was fully supportive of it on finding out rather than just keeping the peace with his parents at the expense of his wife's feelings!!!

Yes it is refreshing that he is wholly behind her behaviour!
Not the usual frustrating situation where the op is told to suck it up by a Lilly livered dh!!

We can do that certainly and then deduct points for the shitty care home “joke”.

Dinner tonight? If you have to go then at least enjoy a game of 'Nasty IL Bingo'....

Board would include mentions of
'hotel'
'hosting'
'cat'
'money/expense'
'don't like this food'
'children shouldn't do X/should eat Y'
'When are you coming back?'
Extra point for any offensive references.

Better still, take a taxi and make it a drinking game - a shot for each one! 😉

Why didn't you just go home?

Can I ask how you got early check in at a Premier Inn? We are staying in one soon, and could really do with getting in at 1pm rather than 3pm. Thanks :-)

The ILs will be extremely offended if I do this and will likely moan about the time I left them to stay in a hotel, from now until the end of time

Too bad. They are being very ill mannered hosts and not giving you any consideration.

So they will be offended. But if you don't go to a hotel you are going to be thoroughly pissed off with their treatment of you and your poor child.

You can't all have a happy outcome from this but at least if you go to a hotel then you will feel better, your child will feel better and there is still a chance of you not all having a complete relationship breakdown.

Well done on escaping!! I am impressed that you've taken unmistakable action following their shitty hosting :)

Bloody hell, I could have written this word for word, except I have 3 kids, and mine are slightly younger.

We live overseas and every time I mention a visit back to the UK, my mum gushes about how 'of courrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrse you must stay with us!' She even likes to say that the house her and her DH moved into a few years ago was chosen specifically for 'hosting' all the kids and grandkids.

The reality is exactly as you have experienced. They also have a really grotty old dog who barks at his own farts. My 6 year old dared walk past him one day, so of course the dog barked and my mum's DH really shouted at my poor kid for 'winding the dog up.'

We now always stay in an Air BnB and it is bliss (if expensive) Mum always acts really hurt and offended. But what really winds me up, is they quite often come to stay with us, in our home, and I think are quite shit guests (never offer to help with the cooking, watching the kids etc. Always take over our master bedroom, even though we usually put in the poky Bargain Hunt-tastic guest room etc...) I wish I had the balls to make them feel as unwelcome as they do us.

Book the hotel - find your strength as a mother and stand up for your child. Your PIL cannot prioritise his needs above the needs of their cat!

And your DH should be taking the lead in dealing with this...

I would book a hotel. I’ve had a similar experience at my IL’s. It resulted in my husband snapping at his dad, which he still feels guilty about. If you stay there will be a falling out, if you go there will be a falling out. At least if you go your kids can relax and everyone can get a good nights sleep.

Sod worrying about offending them. They haven't worried about upsetting your 5 year old have they?

Why on earth are you going for a meal with them after all that?

"Sorry, but we think we might give it a miss. You prioritise the cat over your grandchild who was scared and in unfamiliar surroundings, so we are acting in line with your hospitality" should be the response.

Dinner will be a series of catty passive aggressive remarks. All of which you should pick up on and come out with the MN classic line "I'm sorry, did you mean to be so rude? For a second there I thought you were saying...." Followed by "My child is 5 years old. He's grumpy and tired because he didn't sleep last night because our gracious hosts are too damn ignorant to understand that he was terrorified of the dark and then proceeded to make remarks about how his character being weak in homophobic terms and then remarked about how his behaviour was so bad they sympathetise with child abuse".

Tell them to their face what wankers they are whilst you are thanking them for their 'hosting'.

Seriously, I look forward to the update on all the nasty remarks they make at the meal, which you are stupid to go to because its certainly going to be nothing more than an opportunity for them to put the boot in.

Re nightlights, they’re far too dim for DS.

im in heaven - hotels are soooo much nicer when they’re being used to escape nightmare ILs

Why do you let them stay in your room? What happens when you redirect them to the guest room?

In fairness when you're sixty and still going out to work, having a social life, doing exercise classes, managing to drive on the motorway (!) and do all your admin, in fact do everything you used to do at 50, you won't want to be called elderly, either, as sometimes happens on MN. You will also not like old as a descriptor for any woman who does something negative but that's completely irrelevant to her age.

But there are some people that decide to settle down into old age before they need to. Incidentally I have friends in their 70s who aren't like your in laws at all. They have social lives and light, clutter free houses. It must be infuriating that your in laws can't remember what it's like to have young children, and that you have to sometimes put the children's needs before your own or other people's.

When my parents were like this a bit I didn't give into it. So in your case I would have gone to the PI in the first place, and just seen them during the day. Staying with them just seems like an unnecessary hardship.

LOLOLOL 😂

Just read the update about the hotel and the comments about hurting children... omg. Well done to you and DH for standing up for your children and getting out of there.