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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ditch staying at ILs and book a hotel

337 replies

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 24/08/2022 21:39

At the ILs at the moment, arrived today, staying in their spare rooms at their insistence- we wanted to get a hotel for these 2 nights like we usually do. But ILs were quite offended at the thought of us doing that yet again and made a bit of a deal about us staying at theirs this time. So we agreed.

We have 2 DC, 5 & 9, and this house is so not a child-friendly environment. MIL is always freaking out about the kids touching the walls, fretting about them knocking over the 5,271 trinkets she has on each of the million sideboards they own, not letting us play UNO at any of the tables in case we scratch the varnished surfaces etc.

i can cope with all of that just about. But what’s really pissed me off is the fact that Ive just spent over an hour trying to get a terrified 5yo to sleep because of a stupid ‘rule’, and have just raised the white flag.

So ILs went to bed at 8pm. They don’t usually sleep so early but I suspect it’s a PA way of telling us we’ve knackered them out.

Anyway this was the same time as DS’s bedtime. Being a 5yo boy he’s terrified of the dark and at home we leave the landing light on when he’s in bed and the door ajar. Did this tonight and (Step)FIL came out and knocked the landing light off then stomped back into the bedroom. DS screamed for me, so I raced back in and comforted him. Thought SFIL probably didn’t realise that DS would be scared, so I turned it back on then realised that Thier bedroom door was open a good 2 feet. SFIL came out and said “actually the landing light has to stay off. We leave our bedroom door open in case the cat wants to come in, and the light being on is disturbing us trying to sleep.” I said oh right it’s just DS is really frightened of total dark and he said “Oh well never mind. good night” and went back to bed.

Cue an hour of me going between trying to get DS to put up with it being dark, to putting on the bedroom lamp (that has no shade, because why would it, they have 3 fucking candle extinguishers in the room but no lampshade) and that was too bright, to trying to bring in other (shaded) lamps from other rooms, which just distracted him.

After an hour of trying to calm DS down/find the right lamp that’s not too bright and not too dim, like some sort of middle aged Goldilocks, I gave up and tag teamed with DH to take over.

He’s still up there now. Can hear ILs snoring like a pair of water buffalos (so pleased they have their door open). Can’t hear DS and DH so hoping they’ve fallen asleep too.

Why the fuck did the ILs ask us so desperately to come and stay at their home if they don’t want to make any adjustments for us being here? I know it’s their house but does that mean they should make a unnecessarily unpleasant environment for your 5yo grandson, because it might otherwise upset the bloody cat?

WIBU to book a hotel room for tomorrow? Even if I just take DS - it’s been years since I’ve had a struggle to get a child to sleep like that and I really CBA to do it all over again tomorrow.

To be clear: The ILs will be extremely offended if I do this and will likely moan about the time I left them to stay in a hotel, from now until the end of time.

OP posts:
CatsandFish · 25/08/2022 14:07

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 12:43

Anyway 15 mins til check in Grin haven’t been back as we went for lunch, DH going back for cases at some point but we are taking them for a meal tonight as a thank you for hosting (lol!!)

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet Please tell me you're joking re taking them out to dinner tonight? You can't be serious? Get some self respect, and CANCEL it. Firstly, they treated you deplorably, treated you own vulnerable children deplorably, then accused your son of being gay, they were homophobic, and then said they saw how people could 'hurt' children. As softly and gently as I can, What the F is wrong with you that you would even entertain taking them to dinner, to REWARD and ENABLE them for that treatment? You should be ashamed of yourself if you do. You should be going NC from this second onwards, at least until they apologise/change their attitudes, but even if they did, I could never, Never get past what they said about 'nancy boy' and hurting children. If you reward and enable them by taking them out to dinner you are giving them the impression it's ok as usual and they did nothing wrong. FFS, get some self respect, give your head a wobble, put your children and morals and values first, and don't go to dinner and don't speak to them ever again until they apologise. Seriously shame on you both if you go, you've lost all sympathy from me then.

starfishmummy · 25/08/2022 14:09

You said its two nights. I don't know how far away home is, but I'd do something nice tomorrow morning with the kids out of the hojse and then head home in the afternoon/early evening.

SenecaFallsRedux · 25/08/2022 14:14

I have friends in their 70s who aren't like your in laws at all.

I'm in that age group. I think I have improved with age as have many of my friends. I'm certainly more tolerant and much less house proud than when I was in middle age.

All of my grandchildren are teens now, and they seem to like being with me and DH. I credit our basic approach of when they were younger of letting them do whatever they wanted to (safety concerns applicable, of course).

LookItsMeAgain · 25/08/2022 14:16

Please don't take them out for dinner tonight.
If you wanted to, you could send them a gift card for their favourite restaurant once you've returned home.

They do not need to be entertained and they certainly don't need to be thanked for causing their grandson a lot of discomfort while staying with them.

You could, when you get home, get your kids to do a drawing and send that to them as a thank you for putting you up. Much nicer to have a home made thank you, and particularly, as they are the grandparents, one from their grandchildren.

Gruffling · 25/08/2022 14:17

So I know people talk about narcissists far too.much on MN...but I really think that's because there are so many covert narcissists out there.

I'd say be careful OP. They haven't shouted at you outright for leaving but if there is a narcissist involved here they will be furious that you stood up for yourself and biding their time, they will try and get back at you via something important to you, like causing a scene at grandchild's birthday party. I could be projecting because what you have written is so close to an experience I had with toxic PIL.

Blossomtoes · 25/08/2022 14:18

Oh stop being such a drama queen @CatsandFish.

CatsandFish · 25/08/2022 14:20

Blossomtoes · 25/08/2022 14:18

Oh stop being such a drama queen @CatsandFish.

How am I being a drama queen? If saying you shouldn't reward unhospitable, abusive, homophobic PILs who say they can understand how adults can hurt child is being a drama queen, colour me and all the rest of us on this thread a drama queen! You're the odd one out here.

LateSummerLobelia · 25/08/2022 14:27

The comment about hurting children has really chilled me.

I am glad you are out of there now.

diddl · 25/08/2022 14:27

DH just said kept repeating that it’s much easier for us to be out from under their feet etc as the children are a lot to handle.

So why not just go home?

I agree with your MIL-it is a waste of money paying to stay in a hotel to visit people you are now keeping away from!

momtoboys · 25/08/2022 14:55

Book the hotel immediately.

ChaToilLeam · 25/08/2022 15:00

They sound absolutely horrible. I’d not be going to see them again for a LONG time, if ever. That remark about hurting kids - well, it’s just plain nasty.

User6761 · 25/08/2022 15:17

OP I honestly could have written this almost word for word. Including the bit about their bedroom door having to stay open for cats and the millions of ornaments, statues, trinkets etc etc. I've said the same to my partner - that a hotel would be easier. Have no idea what we'll do when our child is too big for cot as no way he could be left in any of the bedrooms to potentially freely wander about, completely unsafe for him, and could potentially cause a lot of damage to the aforementioned ornaments, antiques etc. You have my sympathies.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 15:19

The meal was pre-booked before we came. Just a Chinese buffet place. I actually want to go just to see how cats bum mouth they’ve become!

Dont want to go home as there’s lots to do in the area for the kids so gonna make a day of it tomorrow too

OP posts:
Celticstranger · 25/08/2022 15:20

Have you tried your son with a small plug in night light? If its too bright you can dim it by shading it in with a permanent marker.

CatsandFish · 25/08/2022 15:22

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 15:19

The meal was pre-booked before we came. Just a Chinese buffet place. I actually want to go just to see how cats bum mouth they’ve become!

Dont want to go home as there’s lots to do in the area for the kids so gonna make a day of it tomorrow too

The meal was pre-booked before we came.

Then cancel it!! It's as simple as that.

If you go, you are showing how pointless it was you even posting this thread to begin with because you're going to just reward them anyway. You may as well have stayed with them. Why did you even bother writing this thread?

Teateaandmoretea · 25/08/2022 15:23

i have friends in their 70s who aren't like your in laws at all.

I don’t think many people are. Blimey I think my in laws are barmy but they are quite normal really when you read threads like this 😂

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/08/2022 15:26

If feel that dinner with the folks, while your DH thinks it is a nice gesture is simply asking for trouble.

I think the dinner will be at best passive aggressive, and if you have to take the children with you, there is more opportunity to make comments if DC as much as wriggle or look bored in a restaurant. I'm only saying that because we always found eating in restaurants with young DC and PILs went on for far too long and our DC really hated sitting around for ages at dinner, especially if there is a long wait for the food, so it could be stressful at the best of times. ButI reallyy don't think this is the best of times.

If you absolutely have to see them before you go.. what about a "tea" instead. Much shorter and more manageable, and easier to exit from if things go awry.

Also have to agree with people who ask why are you even rewarding them with dinner as a thank you for the stay, when they've been so critical and unwelcoming and don't seem to make any effort? It's trying to please people who probably can't be pleased at this stage.

I don't think this gesture will have the smoothing things over effect that your DH intends. It may even make things worse. You are better off drawing a line under this visit, letting them cool off and making sure that you can manage any future meet ups in a way that is bearable for you and the children. You've said MIL is a different person when she visits your home on her own .

Hydrangeatea · 25/08/2022 15:27

CatsandFish · 25/08/2022 15:22

The meal was pre-booked before we came.

Then cancel it!! It's as simple as that.

If you go, you are showing how pointless it was you even posting this thread to begin with because you're going to just reward them anyway. You may as well have stayed with them. Why did you even bother writing this thread?

Stop being ridiculous 🙄🙄🙄

Marvellousmadness · 25/08/2022 15:27

Another one of those threads with so much drama over nothing...
Next time SAY NO
Why do you care if they get offended if you dont wanna sleep there???
You are not allowed to play uno there. That is enough to say no

btw Your 5yo not being able to sleep without any light... you should work on that op. You should stop enabling his fears. He is 5 so good age to start.

roarfeckingroarr · 25/08/2022 15:28

I'm really enjoying this thread. Well done for putting your kids and sanity first OP

SpidersAreShitheads · 25/08/2022 15:32

Marvellousmadness · 25/08/2022 15:27

Another one of those threads with so much drama over nothing...
Next time SAY NO
Why do you care if they get offended if you dont wanna sleep there???
You are not allowed to play uno there. That is enough to say no

btw Your 5yo not being able to sleep without any light... you should work on that op. You should stop enabling his fears. He is 5 so good age to start.

I'm 46 and I can't sleep without a night light.

No fucks given.

malovitt · 25/08/2022 15:34

OP, I can highly recommend getting the VAVA rechargeable USB nightlight, the brightness can be changed by simply tapping the top of it. Warm or white light settings. On its highest setting it illuminates the room but can be dimmed really low. I don't have any small children but was introduced to it whilst babysitting, I also don't like sleeping in the complete darkness, never have, and it's perfect for me. I take it on holiday so I can read in bed if I'm sharing a room without disturbing my room mate.

SpidersAreShitheads · 25/08/2022 15:36

roarfeckingroarr · 25/08/2022 15:28

I'm really enjoying this thread. Well done for putting your kids and sanity first OP

I agree @roarfeckingroarr - I think the OP is bloody brilliant!!

I would also go to the dinner too because otherwise it risks becoming a huge drama, and there's not any real reason not to. The issue was with how OP and family were being hosted.

They've been absolutely arses and you haven't put up with their shit, you've packed your stuff and left despite their protestations. Big round of applause for you for not just sucking it up!

BlueReindeer · 25/08/2022 15:36

So well done you!
i don’t get the having to respect your elders if they are fuckers. And people being uncomfortable because of that.
have a good meal, maybe they won’t come and enjoy the last 2 days. At least you know now you won’t be building a granny annex or have them move in with you or you move there.
we drive 3 hours each way to our in-laws road not stay and not get a hotel/see them longer. The drive is better than staying with them.

malovitt · 25/08/2022 15:38

It's much brighter than a conventional nightlight