To ditch staying at ILs and book a hotel

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

At the ILs at the moment, arrived today, staying in their spare rooms at their insistence- we wanted to get a hotel for these 2 nights like we usually do. But ILs were quite offended at the thought of us doing that yet again and made a bit of a deal about us staying at theirs this time. So we agreed.

We have 2 DC, 5 & 9, and this house is so not a child-friendly environment. MIL is always freaking out about the kids touching the walls, fretting about them knocking over the 5,271 trinkets she has on each of the million sideboards they own, not letting us play UNO at any of the tables in case we scratch the varnished surfaces etc.

i can cope with all of that just about. But what’s really pissed me off is the fact that Ive just spent over an hour trying to get a terrified 5yo to sleep because of a stupid ‘rule’, and have just raised the white flag.

So ILs went to bed at 8pm. They don’t usually sleep so early but I suspect it’s a PA way of telling us we’ve knackered them out.

Anyway this was the same time as DS’s bedtime. Being a 5yo boy he’s terrified of the dark and at home we leave the landing light on when he’s in bed and the door ajar. Did this tonight and (Step)FIL came out and knocked the landing light off then stomped back into the bedroom. DS screamed for me, so I raced back in and comforted him. Thought SFIL probably didn’t realise that DS would be scared, so I turned it back on then realised that Thier bedroom door was open a good 2 feet. SFIL came out and said “actually the landing light has to stay off. We leave our bedroom door open in case the cat wants to come in, and the light being on is disturbing us trying to sleep.” I said oh right it’s just DS is really frightened of total dark and he said “Oh well never mind. good night” and went back to bed.

Cue an hour of me going between trying to get DS to put up with it being dark, to putting on the bedroom lamp (that has no shade, because why would it, they have 3 fucking candle extinguishers in the room but no lampshade) and that was too bright, to trying to bring in other (shaded) lamps from other rooms, which just distracted him.

After an hour of trying to calm DS down/find the right lamp that’s not too bright and not too dim, like some sort of middle aged Goldilocks, I gave up and tag teamed with DH to take over.

He’s still up there now. Can hear ILs snoring like a pair of water buffalos (so pleased they have their door open). Can’t hear DS and DH so hoping they’ve fallen asleep too.

Why the fuck did the ILs ask us so desperately to come and stay at their home if they don’t want to make any adjustments for us being here? I know it’s their house but does that mean they should make a unnecessarily unpleasant environment for your 5yo grandson, because it might otherwise upset the bloody cat?

WIBU to book a hotel room for tomorrow? Even if I just take DS - it’s been years since I’ve had a struggle to get a child to sleep like that and I really CBA to do it all over again tomorrow.

To be clear: The ILs will be extremely offended if I do this and will likely moan about the time I left them to stay in a hotel, from now until the end of time.

Having standards and putting children first is ridiculous? Ok handmaidens.

So you'd rather take the cowardly way out just to 'not risk a drama' ie not stand up for what is right? Reading the OP's posts, she has more reason than most to go NC with the PIL and not go to the dinner, the things PIL said are unforgivable and unable for any parent worth their decency to get past.

Putting her kids first would be to not go to the dinner.

@CatsandFish with the greatest of respect, I did not start this thread to say I wanted to cease contact, it was about having some space in which to stay and to sleep for today and tonight.

Yes they barely hosted us but the meal has been pre-booked and it’s an hour tops that we can hurry through with it being a self serve buffet. I don’t see how I’m not putting my kids first - they do not have the DV unsupervised, that won’t change soon. I also don’t think MIL actually wants to hurt children - it was a shit attempt at a joke and shows her to be ignorant and intolerant rather than a physical danger.

*DC unsupervised

The reason I said I would go for dinner is that presumably OP and her DH don't want to go low/no contact with the inlaws.

I completely agree that if this is indicative of the inlaws behaviour, then it would be absolutely understandable if OP decided to reduce contact. And if that WERE the case then cancelling the dinner would be appropriate.

But given that OP has given absolutely no indication that she wants to reduce contact, then going to the dinner seems like a no-brainer.

If the events of last night were the final straw and I wanted to send them a message about their conduct in general, then yes, I would 100% cancel the dinner.

But OP said that MIL is generally quite nice and OP seems willing to continue a relationship with them, albeit not being happy with the nasty comments/PA attitude yesterday. Hence why I think still going to the dinner is appropriate.

It's not being "cowardly" to still go to the dinner if OP doesn't feel what happened is sufficient to affect their ongoing relationship.

I'm personally not sure I'd be quite as forgiving. Not giving a shit that my child couldn't sleep in the dark would be very difficult for me to move past but we all draw our own red lines.

But other posters, not just myself, are saying the things she have said are unforgivable and are NC-worthy. You seem not to be taking it seriously or understand how wrong she is to say those things. Those things cannot be gotten past, with most parents. If by your standards what she said is ok, then that's your standards. But to most of the posters on here, what she said is abhorrent and is indeed NC-worthy. We are telling you what she said is so shocking that you shouldn't be rewarding her (and) for him by going to this dinner, no matter how close/far away/when it was booked. I wouldn't care if it was 5 thousand pounds pre-paid and book a entire year ago. I would not go because I have principles and standards, and want to model those principles and standards to my children. Because sometimes you have to do what is right. You either have standards and stand by them, or you don't. Your children will notice what you do. They will see you going to this dinner as if nothing ever happened, and they will see you in future brush their behaviour under the carpet. They will learn from you, and the standards you are prepared to walk past are the standards you are prepared to accept. They will learn from your example. To most of us posters, we say you shouldn't be going and we wouldn't. Have a think about that.

Fair enough if that is the standards OP has, I just think not just their behaviour but the things they said are so absolutely horrific and deplorable I could not come back from it and hell would freeze over before I actually rewarded them for what they said by sitting there as if nothing ever happened. But I guess my standards are just different.

@CatsandFish i agree that this week has been NC-worthy but they’re not my parents so it’s not my call.

I don’t think what she’s said is OK at all. I have made it clear I didn’t like it either time. But aside from me going absolutely apeshit or calling 101 I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do that I haven’t done already?

I don’t think the kids will see going to the meal as anything other than having a quick bite with family. They have seen me move them to a more convenient place to sleep, thus sticking up for DS and making sure he is happy. I’m not worried about my DC’s perception of this (they didn’t hear the bit about hurting kids, that little nugget of wisdom was for mine and DH’s ears only).

i agree that this week has been NC-worthy but they’re not my parents so it’s not my call.

Of course it's your call. You're the mother of those children. In deed, it's your responsibility as a mother to make that call.

I would say stuck at a table with your feral offspring is just what she deserves op!!
😂
She can see how people are supposed to mingle with their dc.

@CatsandFish it’s my DH’s mum and SD - if he wants to go NC he can. I don’t see them without him anyway so I will follow his lead on this. I don’t see the point me and kids going NC but not him.

I do think it’s an experience we can get past because we’ve learnt a valuable lesson to NEVER stay at theirs again and keep contact to a minimum and preferably in public. I’ve learnt their tolerance for the kids is as thin as a wafer. I can manage that kind of situation with people we rarely see anyway

I think the OP has acted in a totally reasonable way.

She took her children somewhere more comfortable and suitable for them. The PIL have been rude, awful hosts and made a bad joke but I wouldn't say it warrants going no contact! With any luck, PIL will behave like adults and dinner will be an opportunity to salvage the trip.

No, I don't agree it's about standards at all. That comes across as a bit superior, tbh.

OP very clearly called MIL out for the unacceptable comments and told her straight that being homophobic wasn't OK.

I can think of many, many older people in their 70s/80s/90s who still hold views that today we think are pretty awful.

I think a lot depends on what exactly those views are, how wide-ranging they are and how often they're brought up.

If you didn't have a terrible childhood, I think it takes a lot to go no contact with a parent. And a 73 yr old who believes that "boys should be boys" etc isn't an uncommon view in that generation. Of course it's wrong and outdated, and OP put her straight. I don't think that the occasional unacceptable comment is sufficient to go no-contact with a parent. That doesn't mean my standards are lower than yours, or that I think it's OK. But I can understand that elderly folks were brought up believing that these views were correct and they're deeply ingrained. The occasional comment which can be assertively challenged isn't a reason to go NC, in my opinion. If anything it models to the DC how to deal with unacceptable comments in an assertive way.

Of course, if the parents were raging racists/homophobes and were constantly making deeply unpleasant comments that would be a different matter. But the OP has suggested that this ISN"T the case.

It may not be comfortable but there are generational differences. The same will happen when we're elderly. And yes, I'd make allowances for elderly parents that I wouldn't make with friends. I'd call out those comments each and every time but I wouldn't go no-contact for the occasional comment that's outdated and unacceptable.

Tbh, I'd be more pissed about them not caring about my child not being able to sleep as there's no excuse for that!!

In MN-Land it's very easy to say go NC but real life is much more nuanced. This is just a tiny snapshot of the whole relationship and much depends on how they act usually.

@CatsandFish

😱 Bloody hell. You actually sound far more controlling and judgemental than the OP’s MIL.

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet I think you've done exactly the right thing. You've worked out that your ILs can't cope with young children in their home and done something about it. Your children can have a relationship with their grandparents and you get to preserve your sanity.

One of the key things from this thread is how MIL is a different person when she visits alone.

I'd guess she has to change herself quite a bit to keep in line with SFIL which is sad. Fingers crossed all goes well for the meal. [hope it's not past their bedtime!]

Wetherspoons, more like. Its the sort of place people like that belong.

I do think, OP, that you've done the right thing. I've scaled right back on visiting my own parents because they are getting older, crankier, and their house is simply unsuitable for a boisterous autistic 13yo boy. They go to bed at 10pm so the whole house to follow suit. Trinkets everywhere. DH has vowed that he will only come visit with me if we can stay in the hotel nearby so that he has an escape route.

Hey I love a ‘Spoons, I’m not taking them to my beloved Wetherspoons it’s far to good for them 😂

I'm not sure you can spell "grandparents" as "nightlights", but they certainly meet the description.

I wish our adult kids wanted to stay in a hotel. We obviously make them far too comfortable and they don’t even take us out for dinner to say thank you. Where have we gone wrong?

Thank god you escaped!

🤣🤣🤣

Meanwhile in real life people don't tear their relationships with their parents to shreds even if they are complete twats. Being as rigidly inflexible in your ethics might feel good for a bit but it's not realistic for most people's lives.

OP I think you've handled it brilliantly and given that you live a distance away and don't see them too regularly, going no contact would be extreme imo.
I hope the meal goes well and that you enjoy the hotel tonight (nightcap in the bar!) and the family day out tomorrow.
We live a distance from both families and now only do day trips despite the driving or at worst stay over but in a hotel. They love the thoughts of the visit byt the reality can be harder work for everyone. So we keep at the sweet spot and that way we avoid clashing.