To think that miser ex husband should make a financial contribution

[opinionsovipers]

Ex husband and I separated/divorced 8 years ago.

He has never paid maintenance/child support, but paid 60% of school fees (as opposed to my 40%). He has also given both children a small allowance (£!00 per month for the one who's been at university for the past two years, and £40 per month for the one who's been at school).

DC have both now left school, and will both be at university in September. So nobody is paying any school fees now.

The DC live entirely with me in the holidays. They see their father occasionally, but never stay with him (their choice).

AIBU to think that their father should make a contribution to the cost of housing/feeding them while they are living with me full time in the holidays - especially now that food and utilities are so bloody expensive?

My income is around £30k pa. I was receiving child benefit, but won't now that my younger child has turned 18.

My ex husband receives in the region of 50k pa. He is also a notorious miser who thinks that everyone is out to do him down financially (I know this is a partial perspective, but it's also true). Neither of us has a mortgage.

No if he’s giving them money directly and they’re over 18 that’s fine.

Huh? Surely it's up to them to get a job and start paying their own way now?

They are 18.
Charge them rent if you want to
They can pay you out of the allowance they get frim dad
Your ex has zero respondibikity to oay uou directly as they both adults

I think you should’ve gone down the CMS route years ago and got agreed maintenance.

But he has contributed school fees, which aren’t really a necessity.

You do not have to house them as they both adults
Up to you to charge them or not

Thank you.

There's not much point charging them rent, as I'd be paying myself their rent for them

I'm not sure £100 per month is going to go very far (he doesn't pay it during the university holidays, btw).

@MsPincher Do you think that £100 per month is enough for him to give them? I'd be happy for him to give them money directly, even though DC2 would merrily spend it all on one night out. And do you think he should also be giving it to them during the holidays, or is it reasonable that I'm funding everything during the holidays?

Fair enough. But as they don't have jobs, I don't really have the option to charge them! Any suggestions?

They should get jobs.

Yes, we should have agreed maintenance. It was a mistake not doing this.

School fees were a decision that he and I jointly made, and neither of us was willing to uproot the children from their schools just because he was an abusive bastard we separated. So I have no beef with anything to do with that side of things.

Yes. Any suggestions? Younger one has applied for 40 summer jobs and has had one response (which was a 'sorry, but we are not hiring' - even though they were advertising).

They are over 18.
If you want them to pay digs or food when they are home, you have to tell them to get jobs.

Out of interest, do you give them money direct each month like their dad does while they're at uni?

Is there are a particular reason he did not pay maintenance, or that you did not pursue this via the CMS?
Private education is a luxury, so was the 60% towards fees what he considered to be his contribution to his DCs?
He's not obliged to give any money to his adult children and there is no 'should'.

£100 a month likely isn’t enough, no. They would likely get more if they sued but do they want to? Remember you have to support them while they are studying full time too.

During the holidays they need to get jobs like most students do.

If you’d chosen not to pay school fees and for him to contribute towards them maybe he’d have paid more in maintenance but since you were happy with that decisionit’s too late to complain about it now the kids are 18.

Jobs - I have told them this. One is gainfully employed but not earning. The other is coming up against a brick wall re jobs. So I am shouldering the burden.

I suppose I'm extra pissed off because I only left him because he did some things which meant I had to leave the house and take the children with me. And he has basically managed to absolve himself of any responsibility.

I do give the older one the same amount, and will be giving the younger one the same (both have full maintenance loans).

That’s a shame, round here there’s been lots of temp work advertised, bars/hospitality are crying out for staff right now.

If they have full maintenance loans based on your income then they won’t need money from you.
your ex hasn’t absolved himself of responsibility - he’s paid 60% of the school fees. How on earth did you manage to pay school fees for 2 on your salary?

And he has basically managed to absolve himself of any responsibility.

By paying 60% of private school fees for two children?

If you were struggling then sadly paid schooling is a luxury and you could’ve moved them & asked for that as maintenance instead.

Tell them to get signed up with an agency, they'll be working straight away.

They might not like the work they're offered but that's another thing entirely.

40 jobs and no offers tells me they might be setting their sights a bit too high at this stage.

Private education is a luxury, so was the 60% towards fees what he considered to be his contribution to his DCs?

Sort of yes, and sort of no. In that we both chose to go down the independent school route, so agreed that we would share the cost (I paid the lower share because he kept some assets which evened it out).

So I didn't choose that his contribution to the children should take the form of school fees: he and I were in complete agreement about this, and agreed to share the cost.

The issue - if we can leave the school fees aside - is that he has never paid anything towards the children (he did give me £50 during lockdown - when I earned precisely £nothing - to cover "the expense of having the children at home all the time").

But I do agree with those who say the DC should have jobs, if they could get them.

@TeapotTitties DC2 has been applying for bar work, cleaning, shelf stacking etc. But no luck. DC1 is doing something useful enough not to get a job during these holidays - his father and I agree completely on this score. But given that he agrees with me, I think he ought to be making a contribution!

Could your child do some tutoring, babysitting, gardening, car washing, fence painting?

My 16 year old has got 2 jobs this summer yet her boyfriend can't seem to get one. My son never had problems finding jobs yet I know some of my friends' kids struggled to get any. Same town.

I agree, I spent some summers doing some god awful temp agency jobs but I didn’t have any choice!

Oh goodness - I knew I shouldn't have mentioned school fees.

It wasn't a choice between school fees or maintenance. He and I agreed completely that school fees were not negotiable and that we would both pay our share. Neither of us has ever complained about this or had an issue with it.

The school fees are a separate issue from what I have now - namely a situation in which both children are in full time education, and in which he pays them a derisory amount while I am feeding and housing them. They are his children too!

Where do you live ? Asking as everywhere I go I see adverts for hospitality jobs . I have friends who own a restaurant in a Scottish town and they have had to reduce their opening hours as they can’t fill vacancies .