To think that miser ex husband should make a financial contribution

[opinionsovipers]

Ex husband and I separated/divorced 8 years ago.

He has never paid maintenance/child support, but paid 60% of school fees (as opposed to my 40%). He has also given both children a small allowance (£!00 per month for the one who's been at university for the past two years, and £40 per month for the one who's been at school).

DC have both now left school, and will both be at university in September. So nobody is paying any school fees now.

The DC live entirely with me in the holidays. They see their father occasionally, but never stay with him (their choice).

AIBU to think that their father should make a contribution to the cost of housing/feeding them while they are living with me full time in the holidays - especially now that food and utilities are so bloody expensive?

My income is around £30k pa. I was receiving child benefit, but won't now that my younger child has turned 18.

My ex husband receives in the region of 50k pa. He is also a notorious miser who thinks that everyone is out to do him down financially (I know this is a partial perspective, but it's also true). Neither of us has a mortgage.

Sorry but no they are 18 they need to get a job and contribute they are not children

They need jobs! I'm assuming DS1 is a Special/volunteer constable? Most have part time jobs as well and need to. He's 20 for goodness sake!

The 18 year old is having you on, 40 applications? I doubt it.

is dc2 on FB? I know it's not a usual platform of choice for her age group but my kids found jobs with small businesses that were advertised on there first.

DC2 is not on Facebook, but there is now a reason to be! Thanks for suggesting.

The more I think about it, the more I suspect DC2 of being economical with the truth.

There's another thread going at the moment about someone who's wondering whether her parents should help her out financially between university and starting her first job (while she won't be working). The overwhelming opinion on there is that her parents should house/feed her for free over summer and help her with initial rent etc while she's starting her job...

Understanding and getting what is reasonable depends on the other party being reasonable which it looks like he won't be. As a PP has said, in England the entitlement to child support tends to end at 18. Parents tend to have to support children when at university/during vacations. You probably don't have any levers with an unreasonable ex. None of this will put any money in your pocket.

If DC1 will play ball, you could get him to message that he's stopping doing the valued activity to get a job if that will have more traction than the request he refused.

Otherwise nothing to suggest except that the home straight will be hard and I hope the DC remember who had their back when they are employed and choose with whom they continue to spend time.

That's very kind. Thank you.

Good luck. FWIW, it won't put money in your pocket but there is something to be said for being able to look in the mirror and see someone who has prioritised their children. That and having money shouldn't be exclusive though they sometimes are.

I second everyone else who said they need to get jobs. I worked my way through university (Oxbridge, where it is notoriously frowned upon to have a job as a student because the workload is so high) and worked both during term time and during holidays because my parents couldn't afford to hand me all the money I needed. They were very generous but they weren't wealthy, so I worked in places like McDonalds because that was what was available where I lived, and had to get buses in and out of town and very inconvenient times and sit in the library before and after shifts because I didn't have my own transport. It is what it is, you do what you need to do.

Well done, I’m sure you’re all the better for it.

FWIW, I work in graduate recruitment and it’s almost essential for applicants to have experience of work, not an unpaid work placement, but actual tangible work experience in any sector. It shows people are self-starters, can multi-task, prioritise, are willing to diversify etc.

This is admirable. The Oxbridge 'no jobs' argument has been wheeled out here too!

Food for thought. Leaving aside ex husband being a crashing dick, this thread has clarified that I have allowed the children to do too little. This is partly because I feel guilty about inflicting divorce on them, even though there was no alternative. Correspondingly, I feel guilty about having brought about such a massive change in their material circumstances (disposable money was the one thing that wasn't an issue when I was married), and I feel as if I'm making them pay - literally - for my crap decisions. Then I feel bad all over again.

Yours is an interesting additional perspective @lickenchugget

And thank you @Zilla1 That's such a lovely thing to say.

My ex-husband makes our 20-year-old contribute towards meals if they go out as a family now because she’s got a job at Tescos alongside working at uni, needless to say she thinks he’s an enormous cunt and if she’s got to pay for herself then she wouldn’t choose to spend her time having dinner with them.
you reap what you sow with adult children.

I agree. Similarly I like to see graduates who’ve done “normal” jobs.

Perhaps the OP’s child’s unpaid work is necessary for their field (I think media and publishing have an issue with this) but for me seeing it on a CV would be a big negative.

Unpaid internships are a massive problem in terms of social mobility, tend to be given based on nepotism rather than competence, and in my experience are worth far less in terms of marking someone out positively than a job pushing trolleys in a supermarket.

You seem like a lovely mum, OP. They will see you’ve always had their interests at heart, and that encouraging them to get some employment and helping out at home is actually continuing this.

The DC live entirely with me in the holidays. They see their father occasionally, but never stay with him (their choice).

Well, he's "paying" for his neglect of them. They're not much interested in him, obviously.

He should be giving them an allowance - rather more than £100 per month each I should have thought. But if he's a miser even with his own children, then he's reaping what he's sown in terms of his treatment of them. He'll become increasingly irrelevant to their lives.

The question then is, will he notice, and will he miss them?

(I often wonder this about my own father ...)

That's really kind @lickenchugget. Thank you. I think I have possibly gone about it the wrong way with DC2 (who sees it as 'being nagged' rather than 'being encouraged to do something positive'!)

DC1 has in the past had holiday jobs and has done them very well (reliable, punctual, hard working). That's one reason I'm willing to allow them to do some unpaid work at the moment - it's very much a learning opportunity in the particular field, which is valuable. Plus it's something they organised, applied for etc, and they were the only candidate chosen. However, I have always considered any money the DC have earned to be money for going out/clothes etc, so maybe I also need to re-consider this aspect too.

I think I'd probably suck up the expense if they were both more helpful generally. DC2 in particular thinks that being asked to walk the dog is tantamount to being asked to carry a backpack to the Moon.

My ex also hasn't given me child support for the last 15 years, but he did "let" me stay in the family home.
I've paid the mortgage and all bills.
We went halves on the school fees.
However he is a great father who adores his daughter, as she does him.
Sometimes I'm a bit pissed off that I've shouldered a lot of the financial burden for her - even now she only stays at her dads twice a week - but it is what it is.
You sound like such a wonderful mum, and your children will appreciate that and will definitely choose you a lovely nursing home 😂
Your ex is a dick who will spend his later years surrounded by money and possessions- but I suspect his boys won't be there.
You reap what you sow as never been more apt xx

@LuftBalloons He does notice, and intermittently says he might as well kill himself, he's a crap parent, etc, etc, etc. What he won't do is take responsibility for what he did, and try to improve things now.

PMSL at the decent nursing home @yougotthelook

Solidarity and for you!

Well, it's on him, isn't it? He's paying the price for his meanness - not just of money, but it sounds like he has a mean spirit. And as he was abusive to you, it sounds as though your DC know this, and act accordingly.

Good luck with DC2 - according to the behavioural psychologists I know, we all go through a 2nd adolescence at 18 to 20 years old ...

But as PP say, real paid work experience will always stand her in good stead.

Right back atcha sister ❤️

Second adolescence is right for DC2 @LuftBalloons!

He is indeed paying the price. Unfortunately (IYSWIM) I was not the one who was abused so I can entirely understand the DC's perspective.

Thank you @yougotthelook x