To think that miser ex husband should make a financial contribution

[opinionsovipers]

Ex husband and I separated/divorced 8 years ago.

He has never paid maintenance/child support, but paid 60% of school fees (as opposed to my 40%). He has also given both children a small allowance (£!00 per month for the one who's been at university for the past two years, and £40 per month for the one who's been at school).

DC have both now left school, and will both be at university in September. So nobody is paying any school fees now.

The DC live entirely with me in the holidays. They see their father occasionally, but never stay with him (their choice).

AIBU to think that their father should make a contribution to the cost of housing/feeding them while they are living with me full time in the holidays - especially now that food and utilities are so bloody expensive?

My income is around £30k pa. I was receiving child benefit, but won't now that my younger child has turned 18.

My ex husband receives in the region of 50k pa. He is also a notorious miser who thinks that everyone is out to do him down financially (I know this is a partial perspective, but it's also true). Neither of us has a mortgage.

You were always the only parent paying for that. By choice apparently.

Why get upset now they are adults and not when they were children?

This is pretty much exactly how I feel!

I am not going to do a 'one person agrees with me, which proves that I'm absolutely being reasonable', but I'm still glad that someone agrees with me.

It's not that I disagree Yes he should contribute. But he should have been paying all along. It's weird to think he would suddenly change now they are adults. You both created a dynamic where it was acceptable for him not to pay

This is a nice post, too. Thank you!

I think my thread is probably confusing because I'm a bit confused myself... and yes, it would have been better to have started a thread asking for suggestions (and not mentioning the bloody school fees!)

DC1 is a bit more grateful than DC2 (who has a slight air of entitlement at times, I'm sorry to say).

Is this a reverse? Surely nobody could be this entitled in real life?

60% of school fees for two children will have likely been more than you'd have got in CMS on a £50k salary. You made a choice to keep your children in private school and to accept payment of 60% of fees in lieu of maintenance. That was a choice and you need to own that choice and accept the consequences.

And I note that you say the children can't stay with him for safeguarding reasons, but now they are adults aged 20 and 18 surely safeguarding considerations apply rather less, unless they are vulnerable adults?

Yes, hospitality are crying out but unless you're in a tourist spot a lot won't want to train someone who is going to leave come September, this is the issue I've had when looking for staff

You're allowed to be pissed off about it all, but practically, they are adults so no he's not expected to contribute to them. I don't think you can bring the previous years into it when he should have been paying for them because that was on you to take that up with CMS, so to ask him for something now that they are adults seems a bit ridiculous.

Child maintenance is up to 20 not 18 if in full time education isnt it?

You could still open a claim with CMS

Nope, at 18+ they should both work PT and if they’re at university will also get student loans. They can support themselves and pay you rent if living at home.

Not a reverse!

It wasn't in lieu of maintenance, as such. What both our solicitors hammered out (with which we were happy) was a clean break divorce. This meant that we had overall very similar incomes and assets. My income went down when I had to sell an income-generating asset to pay school fees (my choice).

The children won't stay with him because of his previous behaviour. They are not vulnerable adults as such, but they are both vulnerable psychologically.

So if the school fees weren't in lieu of maintenance, why didn't you go to CMS?

This is where things go round in circles. They can't pay me rent if they don't have jobs. DC1 is gainfully employed in a way that ex and I are happy with (which is one reason why I think ex should share the financial load). It's true that i only have DC2's word for not being able to get a job. It may be cobblers.

But their student loans in all but the final year cover the holiday periods

www.ucas.com/student-finance-england/living-costs-full-time-students

I'd take this as a good opportunity to cut all ties with XH rather than chase him for more money on behalf of your adult children, who should, and could be earning to contribute.

Jobs don't just transpire, but they are out there. Entitlement doesn't help in this regard unfortunately, I employ young people and attitude is everything. If they sign up with several temp agencies they'll be earning next week.

Time to leave the ex financially as well as physically.

Because we had a clean break settlement. I received more equity from the sale of the marital home, because I was housing the children.

Then why are you expecting him to pay towards any costs for the children?

It literally makes no sense.

That is a very useful link - thank you. I didn't realise that the maintenance loan also covered holidays. It also explains why DC1's loan this coming academic year (Finals year) is less than in previous years!

Good point, well made.

Because a lot of these things were free/cheaper when they were younger.

@opinionsovipers it's because they're expected to be working when they finish university and not have a summer off lollybobbing around doing things that are morally good but don't earn money. Because they're adults and need to get a job.

There are lots of things which could have been done differently OP, but none of that changes where you are now.

It sounds like their father isn't going to contribute (yes it would be nice of he did, but thats not your reality), so either you continue as you are now, or impose some limits on your support, or push them further to earn their own funds and contribute.

You don't say what your dc1 is doing which is more important than earning, it might help posters to understand if you did - it might be unpaid interning, or volunteering, or just fun.

Regardless, you still need to make the choice of what support you offer going forward, and I would feel it unfair to expect more from one than the other in terms of their contributions (unless 1 had specific additional needs).

Are they contributing in other ways, making damoly meals, housework, walking the dog etc. I know this doesn't help with the finances but it might make you feel more valued.

Part of his problem is that he is unpleasant and manipulative, and likes to think that I'm struggling. He has regularly reminded me that I would have been much better off financially had I not divorced him.

He’s never going to contribute fairly.
So the only thing you can do is stop dwelling on it.

This is the situation.

No, it jeans that they would need to find a job. They could both have one by tonight if they genuinely went out looking, unless there’s something important that you are leaving out.

Not if they're at university, no.

Op should have claimed maintenance when she had the chance. A clean break has nothing to do with it. Of course it would have been far less than the school fees but she could have chosen that.

Nobody needs a private education. I feel this is a bit, you've made your bed you lie in it. He is contributing to them directly, albeit not much, but it's not nothing, which is legally what he has to do.

They need to work op. You were lucky to not have to, but the real world is often not the ideal.

If you want them to pay digs or food when they are home, you have to tell them to get jobs

to all the people saying this,jobs are not so easy to come by.