To think that miser ex husband should make a financial contribution

[opinionsovipers]

Ex husband and I separated/divorced 8 years ago.

He has never paid maintenance/child support, but paid 60% of school fees (as opposed to my 40%). He has also given both children a small allowance (£!00 per month for the one who's been at university for the past two years, and £40 per month for the one who's been at school).

DC have both now left school, and will both be at university in September. So nobody is paying any school fees now.

The DC live entirely with me in the holidays. They see their father occasionally, but never stay with him (their choice).

AIBU to think that their father should make a contribution to the cost of housing/feeding them while they are living with me full time in the holidays - especially now that food and utilities are so bloody expensive?

My income is around £30k pa. I was receiving child benefit, but won't now that my younger child has turned 18.

My ex husband receives in the region of 50k pa. He is also a notorious miser who thinks that everyone is out to do him down financially (I know this is a partial perspective, but it's also true). Neither of us has a mortgage.

You need to take him out of the equation.

Your DC1 is an adult. If you’ve agreed with your adult child that they can work for no money then that’s between you two. It’s nothing to do with him. It’s between you and the adult children what the agreement is in your house

Rightly or wrongly his legal financial obligations are over because they’re adults who don’t live with him.

Your solicitor should have advised you though that clean break agreements don’t mean you can’t go to CMS.

There are literally loads of jobs over the summer in bar work and hotel work and care work. All of mine have always got a job within a week of coming home from university even in covid.

And like it or not, if things are so tight for the op, then DC1 doing whatever it is that they are doing that doesn't pay actual money, is a luxury that they can't afford.

Their choice not to see their Father and from your description he doesn't sound like a nice man.However, the fact that they make their feelings for him so clear must make him more reluctant to fund them. It doesn't sound like a loving affectionate relationship which is sad for all concerned

I'm not sure why you don't count his financial contributions as maintenance? Maintenance is for everything. School costs "came out" of that for mine (hint, maintenance didn't cover school). Single Parents (mums) are always paying the lions share, because the UK system doesn't hold vanishing parents remotely accountable.

I don’t think anyone’s saying that he ought not to contribute, it’s more that he has no obligation to, and that as you say, he has been paying all the way up to adulthood.

Being at university really is a bit of a crossover time, and people will differ about what’s reasonable while young adults study.

Whatever others’ views though, if your ex has decided that he’s fully hands-off now, there’s not much to be done about it. You either support them yourself, or they need to get jobs to supplement their loans.

They really are. There is a huge shortage of workers in exactly the sort of areas that suit students; the hospitality business where Evening and weekend jobs are plentiful.

Sorry OP, I think you've missed the boat massively on this. There is nothing you can do to get your ex to contribute more money to two 18+ year olds - the time really was when they were younger as you definitely would have been awarded CM. Now it's completely his choice if he gives them any money or not.

Honestly can't understand why you've waited so long, was it not a struggle when they were 14/15/16 etc...I've seen so many times on here that teens eat you out of house and home! If you'd have gone via CMS back then or before you'd have had contributions from him all this time, regardless of school fees.

He has been! He’s paid fees which will have been more than cms.

Like it or not, your ex is mean-fisted with money, and everything you’ve said about him confirms that. it’s damaged his relationship with his children and that sucks for your dcs sake but it is not your responsibility to change that or even make up for it if it isn’t possible.

Where you have control is deciding what boundary you are going to draw around supporting your dc over the next 3-5 years to help them get established.

Must haves

• house insurance (assuming no mortgage)
• council tax, water, energy, internet
• car, car insurance, MOT, breakdown, petrol for you
• Food, clothes and phone for yourself

Optionals

• phones for dcs
• travel money/lifts places
• Prescriptions/physio/dental treatment
• Extra food on top of what you are willing to buy
• Dcs clothes
• nights out

While you may want to pay for all the optionals, it is not strictly necessary or your responsibility anymore and how much you choose to take on will depend on how much is left over and your priorities. You might can also choose a tapered approach to handing this responsibility over to them.

YABU. Both the children are adults and can work to earn their own income. If you are happy for DC1 to live with you for free while doing his unpaid internship or whatever, then that's a choice you can make for yourself, but doesn't entitle you to anything from your ex-husband or anyone else. If they spent time living with him then he would have to feed, heat, and clothe them, but you say they don't spend time with him out of choice so you have to accept that he isn't going to pay for the upkeep of healthy adults who don't live under his roof.

I dont think anyine disagrees
That morally he should support his student dc while at uni
But legally he has zero obligation
So op and dcs have to get on with it
Espec since tge relationship is poor anyway

( they could have gone to state school and now be quids in , the choice was made)

Hospitality are crying out for people.find it hard to believe you’re child has applied for 40 jobs and not been successful!

Only maintenance from cms ends at 18. The children themselves are entitled to maintenance from their parents after that if they are in full time education. Are you in England or Scotland (or elsewhere)?

@MsPincher that’s not really true - it is the case that children can take their parents to court to ask for maintenance at Uni but they are very unlikely to get legal aid for this so unless they can pay court costs it would be very risky and is very rare - in this case they’d also have to explain to the court why they need more than the full maintenance loan (which the govt thinks is enough for students to survive on) plus the £100 a month the DF already contributes; and why they are not willing to work to support themsleves. A court is extremely unlikely to award them more especially as they are able to work / have no “special circumstances” / disabilities.

Private education is not an essential. So I'd consider him paying 60% of fees to be your maintenance over the years.

As for now. They're adults. They're in uni. If they want money or you want money to cover their costs then tell them to get jobs whilst they study.

Any money he wants to give them now should go directly to them because they're fully grown.

This is nigh on impossible and aimed at super high earners.

Also the father is contributing to the sons. It’s the exW who wants a contribution for when they stay with her in the holidays. That’s a non-starter.

I'd also like to point out that I recently posted on the step parent thread about my husband giving my sd thousands of pounds for uni and his ex wife giving sd nothing. Saying that her dad could do it.

On that thread I was ripped to pieces for suggesting that her actions were unfair. So in the same way you shouldn't expect anything from your ex husband?

This is a really kind post - thank you.

DC1 is doing unpaid work related to future career. Not ideal, but necessary.

Neither DC is neurotypical, but this doesn't stop them having a job or making a contribution.

Your final question is a good one, and the answer is 'no they are not'. They make a minimal contribution, and this is definitely something I need to be firmer about. I have done them a disservice by not doing this sooner. Part of my problem is that I feel like a walking cash machine and general skivvy. Thank you for mentioning it!

Yes it is sad. I have done my utmost to keep lines of communication open, but I can see why they feel they need to protect themselves by not being too close. "Not a nice man" is the understatement of the year!

If you'd gone for CM, it would have been less than 60% school fees for 2 so I think 60% of school fees instead of CM is a good deal for everyone.
If you are happy with dc1 volunteering rather than getting a job then it means that you have to pay for that decision. (I assume it's on the lines of a vet student volunteering at an animal
shelter ) Is this hobby job full time ?
I'm surprised that dc2 has not been able to get anything when she doesn't have restrictions on her time like school. Is she being unreasonable with future employers and saying things like no weekends or evenings ? My dd is at uni and my experience is that everybody coming home for the summer has worked this summer and that hospitality were the most welcoming to students who prefer working at night than early in the morning anyway.

This is good, too. Thank you. I think prescriptions and dentists (unfortunately) fall into the 'essentials', but they do know I'm absolutely not funding nights out, clothes, 'treat' food, takeaways etc. I am paying for DC2's phone (£10 per month) but will stop once the student loan appears.

Interesting! I'd say it would depend on the financial circumstances of both parents. If SD's mother could afford to contribute as well, then she should.

It's all tricky. There are other threads on MN in which people are handed their arses for suggesting that children in their late 20s should be moving out/paying their way. But then there's the '18 year olds are adults, and that's that' argument, too.

I am inclined to agree with you!

In England.

This is a pretty good summary of the situation, and I suppose I just have to suck it up (not sure how I'm going to, once bills go up even further, but that's another thread entirely).

Re school: we made the decision which was the right one for our particular children and our particular situation. I don't regret it for one second, and would do the same again, even knowing what I know now.