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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that miser ex husband should make a financial contribution

146 replies

opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 21:34

Ex husband and I separated/divorced 8 years ago.

He has never paid maintenance/child support, but paid 60% of school fees (as opposed to my 40%). He has also given both children a small allowance (£!00 per month for the one who's been at university for the past two years, and £40 per month for the one who's been at school).

DC have both now left school, and will both be at university in September. So nobody is paying any school fees now.

The DC live entirely with me in the holidays. They see their father occasionally, but never stay with him (their choice).

AIBU to think that their father should make a contribution to the cost of housing/feeding them while they are living with me full time in the holidays - especially now that food and utilities are so bloody expensive?

My income is around £30k pa. I was receiving child benefit, but won't now that my younger child has turned 18.

My ex husband receives in the region of 50k pa. He is also a notorious miser who thinks that everyone is out to do him down financially (I know this is a partial perspective, but it's also true). Neither of us has a mortgage.

OP posts:
Twillow · 24/08/2022 22:00

Erm, in this case actually no. I would ask for a contribution from anyone working though.

Original poster
opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 22:02

Could your child do some tutoring, babysitting, gardening, car washing, fence painting?

Yes, DC2 could do some of these, and needs to be proactive about them. She also owes me a fair bit of money so I am nagging her endlessly about jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 22:04

Readinginthesun · 24/08/2022 22:00

Where do you live ? Asking as everywhere I go I see adverts for hospitality jobs . I have friends who own a restaurant in a Scottish town and they have had to reduce their opening hours as they can’t fill vacancies .

This is the daft thing. There are endless jobs advertised here - but when it comes to it, nothing transpires!

I'm quite happy to be told that I'm BU, though it does piss me off that I am the one who's shouldering the entire financial burden despite the children having two parents who have incomes (leaving aside their own earning potential).

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 24/08/2022 22:08

opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 21:59

Oh goodness - I knew I shouldn't have mentioned school fees.

It wasn't a choice between school fees or maintenance. He and I agreed completely that school fees were not negotiable and that we would both pay our share. Neither of us has ever complained about this or had an issue with it.

The school fees are a separate issue from what I have now - namely a situation in which both children are in full time education, and in which he pays them a derisory amount while I am feeding and housing them. They are his children too!

But they are adults. If he had been paying maintenance via CMS, it would have stopped the minute they turned 18.
I don’t understand why you didn’t claim maintenance when you split up.

Fireyflies · 24/08/2022 22:16

I'd forget about asking him to give you money. But if the kids are finding it hard to stretch their loans, they could ask him direct for a bit more help.

Also can't believe that your kids are really trying to find jobs - everywhere I know is desperate for staff. Friend's monosyllabic 15 year old DS has when managed to get one. And my Ukrainian guest with very little English. I'd feed them but expect them to work for anything else that l they want.

LdnReno · 24/08/2022 22:42

The hospitality industry is on its knees due to staffing shortages. There are jobs out there.

cestlavielife · 24/08/2022 22:48

If up to now
You afforded 40% of school fees
Where is that money going now?

But if they getting full maintensnce loans then they can pay some of their own costs
What are the costs for you? Food? Bulk buy pasta.
Or send them to stay wirh dad he can feed them or
Have them share a room while at home in hols and get a lodger if you need cash

TeapotTitties · 24/08/2022 22:52

opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 21:57

@TeapotTitties DC2 has been applying for bar work, cleaning, shelf stacking etc. But no luck. DC1 is doing something useful enough not to get a job during these holidays - his father and I agree completely on this score. But given that he agrees with me, I think he ought to be making a contribution!

If you're happy for one of them to do something so 'useful' they don't have to earn their keep, then I don't think you have any room to complain.

As for the other one, I can't believe they can't get so much as a cleaning job.

I really can't.

BabyDreamers · 24/08/2022 23:01

Yabu they are adults and need to get jobs.

Original poster
opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 23:05

To answer a few:

Yes, DC2 will keep trying to get a job. DC2 is starting university next month in a town where it should also be possible to get a p/t job to add to the maintenance loan.

My 40% of the fees came from selling an asset which was part of my divorce settlement. I could choose to keep it or sell it; I sold it to pay the fees. That money has now gone (which also irks me, as my ex husband paid his share without having to sell any of his assets, one of which is still a big bone of contention).

Costs for me are food (yes, I bulk buy pasta, cook from scratch, buy yellow stickered bread etc), utilities (the washing machine, dishwasher etc are on the go pretty much every day when they are here), and petrol (ferrying them around to places where they can't catch a bus or walk - I did two big trips in the car today specifically for them). I only really use the car for things directly related to them.

I can't send them to their dad because a) they're 18 and 20 and I can't force them; and b) the reason they don't stay with him is related to safeguarding. There is no way I'd 'make' them stay with him, even if I could.

They don't have a room each. DC2 and I have rooms. DC1 'camps' in the sitting room.

@Soontobe60 That's interesting that child maintenance would have stopped when the younger one turned 18. I didn't know that, and I am glad to be set straight.

There were complicated reasons why I didn't pursue him for maintenance, but it was all approved by both our lawyers as a fair settlement at the time.

I suppose I feel that the goalposts have now changed, in that it's 0% him and 100% me. But it's also true that other things invariably colour my thinking. For example, I didn't have a job while I was at university, and my parents never expected me to, so I suppose I feel a bit shit for expecting my DC to work and also do their degrees (one of which is very high-octane). But in those days, we could 'sign on' in the summer holidays...

But definite food for thought, here.

OP posts:
Original poster
opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 23:07

If you're happy for one of them to do something so 'useful' they don't have to earn their keep, then I don't think you have any room to complain

Maybe not, but DC1's father completely agrees with me about what DC1 is doing. He just doesn't want to put his money where his mouth is. He would be very pissed off if I told DC1 that he would have to stop doing what he's doing and go out and get a job.

OP posts:
Original poster
opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 23:07

And DC2 needs to try harder, I think @TeapotTitties

OP posts:
Original poster
opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 23:09

BabyDreamers · 24/08/2022 23:01

Yabu they are adults and need to get jobs.

Ok. Fair enough. In the meantime, should I be the only parent paying for them?

I will say that this was less of an issue before the price of utilities, petrol etc went up so much...

OP posts:
Original poster
opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 23:11

But if the kids are finding it hard to stretch their loans, they could ask him direct for a bit more help

Agreed. I suggested they do this. He said no!

Part of his problem is that he is unpleasant and manipulative, and likes to think that I'm struggling. He has regularly reminded me that I would have been much better off financially had I not divorced him.

OP posts:
TeapotTitties · 24/08/2022 23:15

opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 23:07

If you're happy for one of them to do something so 'useful' they don't have to earn their keep, then I don't think you have any room to complain

Maybe not, but DC1's father completely agrees with me about what DC1 is doing. He just doesn't want to put his money where his mouth is. He would be very pissed off if I told DC1 that he would have to stop doing what he's doing and go out and get a job.

Well pissed off or not, it's time to grow up I'm afraid.

I can think of a million and one things I'd rather be doing than working, but bills need to be paid and food needs to be bought.

Time to close the bank of mum and dad.

Well actually the bank of dad has already closed, so perhaps you should follow suit as it doesn't sound as though you're doing your DC any favours.

TeapotTitties · 24/08/2022 23:16

Ok. Fair enough. In the meantime, should I be the only parent paying for them?

Yes, because you're the only one who wants to.

cestlavielife · 24/08/2022 23:19

You cannot force him to pay you anything
The dc asked
He said no
Nothing you can do .

So
Sit with them and your budget
Agree what to spend on and not
No ferrying around
Wear clothes for more days before washing
Do you have employment?

chillipenguin · 24/08/2022 23:20

opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 23:09

Ok. Fair enough. In the meantime, should I be the only parent paying for them?

I will say that this was less of an issue before the price of utilities, petrol etc went up so much...

Show quote history

You don't have to pay for them either if you don't want to though.

MintJulia · 24/08/2022 23:21

Readinginthesun · 24/08/2022 22:00

Where do you live ? Asking as everywhere I go I see adverts for hospitality jobs . I have friends who own a restaurant in a Scottish town and they have had to reduce their opening hours as they can’t fill vacancies .

This. Every pub where I live, (home counties) is advertising for bar staff. Pizza Express as well.

cestlavielife · 24/08/2022 23:21

You get to spend time with ypur lovely dc
He does not

So do not contact him further
He is nothing to do with you.

Flatandhappy · 24/08/2022 23:24

Unfortunately the boat has sailed on any kind of child maintenance now your kids are adults. Legal and moral obligations are two very different things so I understand why you are pissed off at being the only contributing parent but you can’t force your ex to pay anything he is not willing to. Not everyone can afford to go to University, or at least not full time straight out of school, maybe your kids can’t. If they have been privately educated they probably just assume their education will continue like most of their friends but sometimes what you want and what you can have are different things and they might need a reality check.

wellhelloitsme · 24/08/2022 23:35

Get them on Nextdoor offering tutoring, babysitting and hospitality roles.

I've seen lots of sixth form / leavers / students getting work directly from the site and then more once they have recommendations from the initial ones.

Tutoring in particular can generate a great hourly rate of earnings compared to other roles.

Namenic · 24/08/2022 23:40

He sounds v unpleasant and with the safeguarding thing and the kids not wanting to see him - should you just cut contact? (Depends on the nature of the concern I guess).

are there any old people’s homes nearby? Sometimes younger people can do things like make tea for residents, clear away meals etc? Cleaning jobs? Maybe reduce the amount you do for the kids to save money (eg drive less). If they want to do more - they can get a job - Could DS1 not even work 1 day per week or a couple of evenings?

StillGoingStrongToday · 24/08/2022 23:49

opinionsovipers · 24/08/2022 21:42

Fair enough. But as they don't have jobs, I don't really have the option to charge them! Any suggestions?

Show quote history

Yes, they should get jobs.

FloydPepper · 25/08/2022 01:35

He’s been paying 60% of the fees for 2 children and he earns 50k. Those fees will be a lot more than he would have paid in cms.

you regret mentioning the fees. I bet you do. It’s be a different thread if you’d just kept that quiet and made out he’d paid nothing…