To think that miser ex husband should make a financial contribution

[opinionsovipers]

Ex husband and I separated/divorced 8 years ago.

He has never paid maintenance/child support, but paid 60% of school fees (as opposed to my 40%). He has also given both children a small allowance (£!00 per month for the one who's been at university for the past two years, and £40 per month for the one who's been at school).

DC have both now left school, and will both be at university in September. So nobody is paying any school fees now.

The DC live entirely with me in the holidays. They see their father occasionally, but never stay with him (their choice).

AIBU to think that their father should make a contribution to the cost of housing/feeding them while they are living with me full time in the holidays - especially now that food and utilities are so bloody expensive?

My income is around £30k pa. I was receiving child benefit, but won't now that my younger child has turned 18.

My ex husband receives in the region of 50k pa. He is also a notorious miser who thinks that everyone is out to do him down financially (I know this is a partial perspective, but it's also true). Neither of us has a mortgage.

They could apply under Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989 In their own right but only for a lump sum or periodical payments if they are or will be in education or training for a trade, profession or vocation. Or if there are special circumstances which would justify making the order.

Or, and I accept that personal responsibility is frowned on here, they could get jobs.

I don't think dad should contribute either. If they were getting less loan, I'd possibly think different but max loan and 200 a month with yours and dad's contribution. I actually think they may end up with no incentive to get work.
I knew when I went to uni my parents wouldn't be able to help. I got a max loan and worked part time. They're only home 13 weeks of the year and usually their rent is for a year in uni living, although understandably most like to come home but not all. They may get jobs where there uni is and not be able to come back.
Id have an adult conversation about cost of living and that you'll need a contribution over the holidays. I'd also stop the 100 them when they're at home.
You can't expect the other parent to pay when they're adults able of working and contributing, imo.

If you’re not demanding they pay, they have full maintenance loans and Dad also gives them an allowance…how hard have they really tried to get jobs? Doesn’t seem like they need it.

Where I am from, all students work (yes, even medical/nursing etc etc) most don’t have a choice.

Yes, if it’s your choice to keep paying for them. If their dad chooses not to make the same choice to pay to support two other adults, that’s also perfectly valid and up to him.

You obviously still see your DC very much as children, rather than the adults they now are. If you can’t afford to pay their way for them, then tell them that.

Well, you either insist your DC’s get a job in the holidays like most of their mates and pay their way or you suck it up. They need to get paying jobs because even if your ex was paying through CMS, that would have stopped by now. They are adults.
Also, I think it’s incorrect for you to keep saying your ex didn’t pay for them when he was earning 50k and paying 60% of private fees for 2 children. If you had chosen not to send your children to private school like most people in this country and he paid you the money directly, that would have been much more than what CMS could have asked him to pay.
The main thing is that dad has decided to stop paying for the dc as they are adults now, he still gives them an allowance when in school and they get max loan, it’s now in their court to get jobs like their mates do.

You have made such weird choices around money all along. I agree, he should pay towards their upkeep but ... he hasn't paid before so why would he start when they are officially adults?? I don't understand your thinking on that.
Happiness is about the size of the gap between expectation and reality. You seem determined to shift the goals on your expectations to keep yourself unhappy. When you could have asked for maintenance and got it, you didn't and weren't bothered. As soon as you couldn't ask, you want it. What's that about? Why do that to yourself?

You made a poor choice financially to keep them in private school. But that ship has sailed.

Either the kids go after him for money as advised above (which will cost), or they both get jobs. It's a luxury to be doing something useful that doesn't pay. You can't afford for that to be happening.

(I've supported 3 through uni. 2 still there. Their father has never paid a penny but they all had jobs. Bar work. Shop work. Cleaning. As examples.)

I can't believe some of these replies.

Of course he should make a contribution for their costs during the summer. Sounds like he has created a situation where they won't/can't stay with him and now he's washing his hands financially. There's no legal way to make him pay I don't think but he absolutely should.

Yes, they should get jobs too, but I don' believe there are many people who don't put themselves out of pocket for their university student kids to one extent or another over the summer. But because he can't live with them he gets away with it? And we're supposed to admire him because he paid fees for the school he (and the OP I know) wanted them to go to?

btw if you bring your income below £25k by putting some into pensions, then your kids may get £1-3k bursaries each, more than you can give them per month from your £30k salary

Well its rather late in the summer now, but bars, coffee shops and care homes are all recruiting staff with no prior experience and will consider short term hires. As will many retailers. There is far greater level of vacancies this year than I can ever remember before

And of course, once over 18, any financial support normally switches to the DC

As you say in an earlier post, you were happy with the deal when you made it, you didn't pursue maintenance at the time it could have been done. You said you were happy with that at the time, and life doesn't have backsies.

Regarding difficulty in getting a job, my 18 year old was the same, applied to hundreds throughout the summer. He signed up with an agency for event work, they're always short staffed apparently, He now get at least 3 shifts a week in the local theatre. Might be worth a shot.

Maintenance and CS are two different things.
It would be nice for him to contribute yes, but he doesn’t have to. They are adults now and can work part time to help out if you need more extra cash.

He is not obliged to give you any money for them, unless somehow court ordered, which I’m guessing it’s not.

Yes, he should be contributing to their keep. But since he seems to have been unwilling/incapable of doing his duty as a father thus far in their lives then I suppose it is no surprise to anyone that he is refusing again.

He may be better of financially, but What you have, and he never will, is your relationship with your 2 lovely children.

There is a National shortage of serving staff, shelf stackers etc.
You may want to question why these roles are proving elusive for your children.

So you don’t expect one to work because of a hobby they have?? Really OP!

You have a house of three adults, all of you should be contributing if needs must. They needs jobs and fast.

And your DH sounds like, and clearly is tighter than a Ducks arse FWIW, but that doesn’t change things for you at the moment does it.

They are adults now. They should get jobs.

This thread is a little confusing. OP I don’t think you are in the slightest but unreasonable in your feelings. I think k you have every right to be completely pissed odd and resentful. But where does this get you practically?

Having an anonymous group of women agreeing (in this case disagreeing for some bizarre reason) with you doesn’t change things. It might have been far more productive to have written a thread for suggestions to how you might improve your situation seeing that your twat ex has absolved himself of financial responsibility for his children.

ive seen it written countless times on here that parents need to factor being fiscally responsible for kids once they are at university. That that’s basically what the government assumes alongside the student loan. You can’t just walk away like your ex husband has done and you are a bloody good mother to have sold a valuable asset to insure your children were able to finish their education.

So the real question is …. Where do you go from here? Do your kids understand the sacrifice you have made? Are you at least getting a little gratitude from them?

Don’t ferry them round for starters if it’s a medical appointment fair enough but anything else it’s not happening.

Have you any proof they actually applied for jobs at all? Not in a I demand to see your form way but did they ask for advice on stuff or what experience they should put down or ask you to read over to check details.

DS recently said I’m glad you were tough with me Mum it made me better at life, he didn’t like it at the time at all.

Whats the hobby of the child thats actually an adult that doesn’t have to work because of it? you are going to make your kids bad at life by doing too much for them. DH sister has been absolutely infantilised by her parents because they always felt sorry for her and she okayed in it. Still runs to bank of Mum aged 56.

Sorry - it is ex husband who would be pissed off if DC1 had a job. Not DC1. Ex is happy with what DC1 is doing (as am I).

So if I say I'm not paying either, does that mean Ithey can't have a shower or eat or put their crockery in the dishwasher or use the washing machine? I don't give them money while they're at home, but I do pay the bills. I also pay for things like their prescriptions, dental treatment (can't get an NHS dentist - have been on the waiting list for over 10 years), DC1's necessary physiotherapy (NHS waiting list is 18 months). Or am I just supposed to "kick them out", in MN parlance, and let their teeth rot and their health decline?

That is the one good thing! Thank you for reminding me of it.

Buy you're not happy because you're complaining about cost of living and expecting your ex to contribute when he has never paid maintenance as such

I do - school fees always become a diversion. Ex paid his share out of non-earned income and savings (fine by me - he can do what he likes with his share of the divorce pot, as I can with mine).

I mentioned it because I didn't want to say he'd never paid anything at all. Given that he and I were both paying more or less the same, and both wanted the children to stay at their schools, that kind of cancelled itself out.

You should've gone to CMS and got maintenance. But then he probably wouldn't have paid the school fees.