What can he do to show he can meet his child's needs

[SplashparkSummer]

Just looking for a bit of help and support.

It seems likely that my nephew's DS who lives with his DM is going to be taken from her care as she is struggling with her mental health. DN would like him put into his care. But he currently only sees him 3 hours per week at a contact centre. How can he show he can meet his needs? Are there specific things SW look out for. His reports from the contact centre are positive. However, SS have only observed once and it was a bad day where nephew struggled to get his DS to stop crying as it turned out he was ill. Based on this he failed his assessment.

Any advice, please?

See naccc.org.uk/faq/what-happens-in-contact-centres/ and naccc.org.uk/faq/why-use-a-child-contact-centre-or-service-2/

Why doesn't your DN know the basics about looking after his dc, eg food? That seems really odd. Has he never lived with his dc? Has his Dc ever stayed overnight with him?

Just to present another POV - your DN is only 24, he’s a care leaver, he has some history of domestic violence and possibly some other issues in his past given the fact he only has contact in a centre.

You’ve said yourself he would need support to parent. 24 is young to be a parent especially for someone who wasn’t properly parented themselves. It’s possible if his son was placed with him that placement wouldn’t work out.

Do you think it might be in the best interests of the baby to be put up for adoption now? He’s already had a rough start in life, he’s still young, so there should be time to make up for that, but it there is a long dispute about his care, his father has him for a bit, that doesn’t work out, he gets taken back into care.. at this point he will be more disadvantaged and finding him a good adoption family will be harder.

Just to be clear, I think it’s really important parents who need help are supported to keep their children, but this has been tried with the mother and it hasn’t worked. Given your DN needs support it may very well not work out with him either.

I understand you want to keep your great nephew in the family but what is best for him needs to be paramount. It’s also possible that it would be better for your nephew to focus on building his life skills and experience, and leave parenting until he’s in his 30s and has a partner.

I just worry that your great nephew is not having good start in life at all.

But he wouldn’t need to be assessed unless something had happened to cause a move from contact at his flat to the centre.

Can you see how it doesn’t make sense: that your DN would have the location of his contact restricted because the mum was having mental health issues? I know you want to help but it seems like you’re not willing to accept there’s a lot more to this.

Well, honestly, I don't know. But I've always heard of people going to the contact centre nearest the child. It is better for him to travel the long 3.5 your round trip than make the toddler do it.

Oh, for goodness sake. I'm purely looking for some help and advice and a bit of support through a difficult time. Plenty have been able to do that without giving me the 3rd degree. Noone here needs to know all the ins and outs.

But if you'd read the thread I have clearly acknowledged there are concerns over his parenting, otherwise why would he need a father and child home? I could therefore ask if you are stupid but I wouldn't be so rude.

@SplashparkSummer

The issue is you don't seem to know the ins and outs either

Therefore aren't in the best position to post on the subject or assist your DN

I am aware that an issue was raised about DN and the mother having arguments over the phone and this happening in front of the DC. This appears to be linked to the mother's deteriorating mental health

AKA your nephew was abusive, which caused the mother's MH to deteriorate??

The contact supervisor probably reports to the social worker. The assessment of contact isn't just that one observation by social worker

IME the best way to get social work on board is to be honest with them about shortcomings, demonstrate insight into impact on the child and others, and demonstrate actual progress to address those shortcomings within a timescale that meets the child's needs

Not stupid, no. If I was a relative of this young man I would want the full facts before supporting his contact with his child. The child's welfare is the most imortant thing here

I do have second hand experience of domestic abuse and contact centres as it happens. He is using a CC for a reason.

But he wouldn’t need to be assessed unless something had happened to cause a move from contact at his flat to the centre.

His flat might be a considerable distance from where the mother and dc were moved for their foster placement? Aren’t contact centres ever used where the other parent’s home is too far away for a young child to travel?

Ah, really, I'll have to dig deeper, but I imagine I'll get a better idea at the next meeting/court date.

The little boy's mum was DN's girlfriend - they broke up when he was only a few months old.

He saw him at home up until about 3 months ago when DS and his mother moved away. It wouldn't be practical for DN to pick up his DS and bring him back home as he would spend most of the day travelling. Therefore I thought it made sense for them to assess him/provide contact in the centre. But as I say I'm not very savvy on these things.

We also know how damaging it is removing a child from their family. So it has to be weighed up. But that is for Social services and the courts to do.

You're absolutely right that seeing a DC for 3 hours a week is not the same as 24/7 care. That is why he would need to go to the father and child home. I'm not sure why you think he is barely managing. He travels a long way to the centre every week and is always punctual. He packs a healthy lunch for his DS as well as a baby bag of nappies/wipes, bibs etc. He takes activities with him for DS. Although he pays CS he often brings clothes/books etc for his DS. He does exercises with his DS to help with his walking/talking. I'm not saying he is perfect but he is doing more than just managing.

He isn't just 'passed around'. He lives with his mother and has contact with his father. Along with seeing his aunties, uncle and great grandad.

Speaking to the little boy's mum she thinks DN would have had contact at her house, but due to arguments that have happened between them on the phone (and in front of their DS) and that mum's aggression has got worse ( reason she was moved) she isn't allowed any contact with him.

But the Social Workers do, which is what matters!

I'm just asking for some general advice and some support.

Thank you for that link. I assume them not having to see each other is relevant.

No he's never lived with him or had him overnight. He grew up in a chaotic household and was then in care.

However, I've not said he doesn't know the basics. He can feed him, clothe him, wash him, play with him, show love etc. He does exercises to help with his walking and talking etc. But obviously there is more to bringing up a child than the basics. Also I was thinking about how he could demonstrate he has those skills.

I agree great-nephew needs to come first. But I think as his Aunty it is very difficult to come to this from an unbiased point of view. But of course that is what Social Services for.

When I say he would need support to parent, I mean initially - to get everything set up etc. And then just the kind of casual support/advice that many people get from their parents. He has no parents.

I also do believe that there's every reason that the little boy's mum can recover from her mental illness and become a full part of his life again. The problem at the moment is she is being supported by a foster carer (so great-DN is being cared for well) but her mental health isn't being dealt with speedily enough. We are waiting for her assessment from the CMHT.

Aren’t contact centres ever used where the other parent’s home is too far away for a young child to travel?

No - context centres are a short term interim arrangement until either the parent's ability to care for the child without supervision has been assessed as ok, or the child has become familiar enough with the parents to be safe and comfortable having unsupervised contact.

Most fathers living several hours away use MacDonalds and the nearest playground/museum/hotel or take them back to their own place for a few days.

The Family Rights Group have a really helpful forum for relatives, and a forum for parents. You could get advice there, and so could your nephew.

It is really unfortunate that the Community Mental Health Team are being slow in their assessment. Is there anything that you or your nephew could do to prompt them to prioritise the assessment, given the context?

Is he supervised the whole time? You mention DN taking him to the park? Who set the 3 hours, was it because of the travel he does or did SS say that was the maximum? Could he stay overnight nearby and see him for longer? I'd certainly be asking for more, asking SS what he'd need to do to work towards that, show SS that he wants more time with his child. If it was me I'd be making sure I had the basics too, bed/cot depending on age and what's developmentally appropriate with his delays, car seat, basic pram, right size clothes. I'd be doing any parenting courses I could find too. Reading up on how to help LO improve his speech. Probably mostly recasting (using the spoken words in his response to child with correct pronunciations) and lots of exposure to language, reading to him, speaking to him, trying to repeat the words he's trying to pronounce multiple times in a visit, make telling him the names of things/colours, narrating what they're doing.

No, what I meant was that since the mother's mental health has deteriorated she has become argumentative and abusive towards DN. And that's my own observation not DN telling me. And I also I love her to pieces so I'm not being biased.

DN has addressed this by having no contact with her and it all goes through me.

Firstly he would need to be assessed to have his DS as full time is very different to a few hours a week.

Due to mum's mental health issues she was moved a significant distance away making contact at DN's flat infeasible. He can't go to his DS's mother's house as she isn't allowed to see him. So he goes to the contact centre.

Anyway, whatever the ins and outs, he sees his DS at a contact centre now but SS are looking at a father and child home. I assume they wouldn't do that unless they saw it as in the best interests of the DC.

Thank you all those that have given useful advice.

I don't choose if he has contact. Social Services and the courts do.

I know he is using a Contact Centre for a reason - you just don't seem to be able to comprehend that. Try reading the thread. Your experience of contact centres doesn't make you any less stupid for thinking I'm saying he is using a contact centre for no reason!

But you don't know the reasons he is having to use a contact centre. You don't know why he is having to be assessed. Unless you can answer those questions no one can really advise.

They're certainly not only a short term thing. I know someone who used one for years.

But presumably those father's don't have a child on a CP plan and supervised contact?

Well, firstly plenty of people have given me really useful advice and the type of thing I was looking for. Those people didn't need to know all this. If people aren't satisfied with my response and therefore can't give advice, that's fine as plenty of others can.

Sometimes it just feels people want the 'gossip'. So for the final time I will explain what my understanding is, but then It's probably best to move on from discussing this.

Social services were always involved as mum was in foster care when her DS was born. DN also a care leaver. DN had an incident of DV with a previous girlfriend. DN is allowed to see DS for 3 hours. Mum was moved away to a foster care placement. SS want to assess DN for a father and child placement. Contact now moves to be at the contact centre as it can't be facilitated at mum's home.

Sorry in advance if I am repeating what others have said.

Domestic violence, your nephew is currently a low risk of being violent towards a partner as he is single. Domestic violence perpretators usually reoffend, so it is likely he will subject future partners to domestic violence. If he is willing to harm an adult, it isn’t much of a leap to see him harming a child, especially if they’re crying, being difficult etc.

Contact centres are not used because a parent lives far away nor as they used because a NRP wants to use the RPs house for contact, if there were no concerns he could have contact in his own home, or choose to have contact in the locality of the child, whether that is a park, hotel room, airbnb etc. I had to drive a five and a half hour round trip every Saturday when my son was still having contact with his birth mum.

Where in the UK are you? You said that the mum was in foster care when the baby was born, if that was in England that makes the mum 18 at the very oldest when the baby was born. Support is provided until 25, but foster placements end at 18.

I’m afraid you may have to prepare yourself for some unpleasant truths to come out regarding your nephew.