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Original poster

What can he do to show he can meet his child's needs

158 replies

SplashparkSummer · 24/08/2022 21:02

Just looking for a bit of help and support.

It seems likely that my nephew's DS who lives with his DM is going to be taken from her care as she is struggling with her mental health. DN would like him put into his care. But he currently only sees him 3 hours per week at a contact centre. How can he show he can meet his needs? Are there specific things SW look out for. His reports from the contact centre are positive. However, SS have only observed once and it was a bad day where nephew struggled to get his DS to stop crying as it turned out he was ill. Based on this he failed his assessment.

Any advice, please?

OP posts:
Original poster
SplashparkSummer · 25/08/2022 22:35

Softplayhooray · 25/08/2022 20:32

OP is there any way you can find out if he has a criminal record &/or more details about the DV, independently of him? That might help you and the situation. The end game here is to keep the child with your family, right? Sadly if there's a criminal record that might mean he cannot get custody, and if you pin all your hopes on him getting custody, that'll mean you lose the child. Finding out more would allow you to make a more strategic approach to try to work out other ways to stop the little boy ending up in care.

I really think there's some serious background here you're not aware of.

Show quote history

Thank you for the advice. I suppose I could use Clare's law is it? I don't believe he does have a criminal record but I will look into this, thank you.

OP posts:
AnnaFri · 25/08/2022 22:42

As expected, there is a damn good reason for you nephew to be required to have his only contact done under supervision

Original poster
SplashparkSummer · 25/08/2022 22:43

StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 20:49

Children probably shouldn’t be brought up by someone with a history of domestic violence.

Not meaning to be harsh, but your opinion on on what he’s capable of probably needs to be taken in context; you didn’t seem to think that he was a wife-beater to his child’s mother, so you perhaps don’t know him as well as you think.

You should probably not help him to get custody with what you now know; leave it to the authorities.

Show quote history

As far as I'm aware and this is according to the DC's mother there was no violence between them.

However, I need to make it clear. I want what is best for the little boy. At the end of the day it is the authorities that are in control not me. They will only let my DN have custody if they believe it is the right thing. It looks like the DC will be taken into care and SS have said there is a chance of DN going to a father and DC home. But I think he will have to pass assessments first. It is not my decision, but if SS think it is the right thing to do I will support my DN as ultimately that is in the DC's best interests to have a father that can provide a stable home. I know on paper it looks bad. But the little one adores both his parents and DN is getting good reports from the contact centre about his care of his DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
SplashparkSummer · 25/08/2022 22:44

AlternativelyWired · 25/08/2022 22:22

That is why he is having supervised contact at a centre. It's really hard to get one of those. I wanted supervised contact for my ex and our dc but despite many reports of DV against him he's always been allowed unsupervised contact at his own home. So your nephew must have caused significant concern to the authorities.

He did have contact at his home previously too.

OP posts:
Original poster
SplashparkSummer · 25/08/2022 22:46

AnnaFri · 25/08/2022 22:42

As expected, there is a damn good reason for you nephew to be required to have his only contact done under supervision

Yes, there is. However, if SS believe he can be a good father to his DS I will do whatever I can to support that.

OP posts:
AnnaFri · 25/08/2022 22:55

@SplashparkSummer

But they clearly don't think that

Otherwise a more detailed assessment and family assessment would be carried out

titchy · 25/08/2022 22:58

He did have contact at his home previously too.

So what changed that suddenly he wasn't allowed contact at his home? A move wouldn't be relevant - plenty of fathers or children move away from each other but the father is still able
To take the child back on contact weekends.

All children adore their parents btw. Even when their parents abuse them. So that's nowhere near enough for the child to remain with parents.

Pinkyxx · 25/08/2022 22:58

The supervised contact makes sense now we know there was DV. Social services are probably looking at a short term foster carer until Mum gets well. A change to live permanently with the father, with a history of DV against the mother, doesn't seem in the child's best interests. Supervised contact would no doubt be maintained via the foster arrangements.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 25/08/2022 22:58

Is there no grandparent or aunt/uncle who could have care of the little boy instead of foster care.

I think it would be sensible for anyone in the family who might be able to and want to provide care for the little boy on a long term basis to make this known to social care.

As you say though social care/the courts will make the decision that is hopefully best for the little lad. Either way your will be able to support your DN to hopefully try to be the best parent he can be whatever the situation.

Op if you are attending meetings with him then hopefully everything will become apparent in time. Any record or history will be in the assessments/court statements.

HiKelsey · 25/08/2022 23:09

In some areas there are some dad groups you can sign up to for support. Kind of like mumbler on Facebook but for dads. That could be a great form of support as the one in our area does a meet once a month and go to the park together and/or had a hairdresser give them all classes to styling their daughter's hair. My advice is he is serious about having DS in his care then anything the LA ask (like classes) he do and listen to his solicitor. Having techniques to cope with difficult situations are good and would want to be observed by the LA / contact centre staff

Original poster
SplashparkSummer · 25/08/2022 23:35

AnnaFri · 25/08/2022 22:55

@SplashparkSummer

But they clearly don't think that

Otherwise a more detailed assessment and family assessment would be carried out

Well, they have talked about a father and child home, so presumably they do think it is possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
SplashparkSummer · 25/08/2022 23:38

Yes, I do understand that love isn't enough. It will just be so hard on the little boy if he is removed.

I don't know about contact. I guess because Social Services became involved?

OP posts:
Original poster
SplashparkSummer · 25/08/2022 23:40

Pinkyxx · 25/08/2022 22:58

The supervised contact makes sense now we know there was DV. Social services are probably looking at a short term foster carer until Mum gets well. A change to live permanently with the father, with a history of DV against the mother, doesn't seem in the child's best interests. Supervised contact would no doubt be maintained via the foster arrangements.

The DV wasn't against the mother, it was a previous partner. I really hope that is the case that Mum is given a chance to get better.

OP posts:
Original poster
SplashparkSummer · 25/08/2022 23:42

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 25/08/2022 22:58

Is there no grandparent or aunt/uncle who could have care of the little boy instead of foster care.

I think it would be sensible for anyone in the family who might be able to and want to provide care for the little boy on a long term basis to make this known to social care.

As you say though social care/the courts will make the decision that is hopefully best for the little lad. Either way your will be able to support your DN to hopefully try to be the best parent he can be whatever the situation.

Op if you are attending meetings with him then hopefully everything will become apparent in time. Any record or history will be in the assessments/court statements.

Sadly there is noone. There are no grandparents and while I'd have him in a heartbeat I don't have the room and neither does DN's other Aunty. The mother has no family.

OP posts:
Original poster
SplashparkSummer · 25/08/2022 23:44

HiKelsey · 25/08/2022 23:09

In some areas there are some dad groups you can sign up to for support. Kind of like mumbler on Facebook but for dads. That could be a great form of support as the one in our area does a meet once a month and go to the park together and/or had a hairdresser give them all classes to styling their daughter's hair. My advice is he is serious about having DS in his care then anything the LA ask (like classes) he do and listen to his solicitor. Having techniques to cope with difficult situations are good and would want to be observed by the LA / contact centre staff

Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
DotDotaDash · 25/08/2022 23:55

What seems odd is that the contact is currently in a centre but IF that is only logistical then SS will want to see
That he has thought through how the care for his child practically
where he will sleep and play is safe and hygienic
that there are appropriate toys
that there is a support network of family or friends who might pop in, babysit or visit for moral or practical support
that there is a plan for childcare while he is at work
of course emotionally and developmentally learning about his child is also excellent

what I would say though is that if the baby is fostered in his own right to attend all care planning meetings, ensure contact is in place regularly and take a parental role in all meetings while listening and being guided by baby’s social workers

Original poster
SplashparkSummer · 26/08/2022 08:46

DotDotaDash · 25/08/2022 23:55

What seems odd is that the contact is currently in a centre but IF that is only logistical then SS will want to see
That he has thought through how the care for his child practically
where he will sleep and play is safe and hygienic
that there are appropriate toys
that there is a support network of family or friends who might pop in, babysit or visit for moral or practical support
that there is a plan for childcare while he is at work
of course emotionally and developmentally learning about his child is also excellent

what I would say though is that if the baby is fostered in his own right to attend all care planning meetings, ensure contact is in place regularly and take a parental role in all meetings while listening and being guided by baby’s social workers

Thank you so much for your advice - really helpful

OP posts:
NovaDeltas · 26/08/2022 08:48

Someone who meets their child for three weeks at a centre has clearly fucked up so badly they will never get custody. It wouldn't be safe, so why on earth would you support it?

Original poster
SplashparkSummer · 26/08/2022 08:54

NovaDeltas · 26/08/2022 08:48

Someone who meets their child for three weeks at a centre has clearly fucked up so badly they will never get custody. It wouldn't be safe, so why on earth would you support it?

If you read the thread, SS are considering giving him custody. Using a contact centre doesn't mean you won't get custody.

OP posts:
Screenburn · 26/08/2022 09:04

Contact would not have moved from his flat to a contact centre without something of concern having happened - a move out of area by the mother wouldn’t cause it.

Your DN is not telling you the full story, OP, and you need to fill in those gaps for the sake of the kid before you continue supporting him.

Original poster
SplashparkSummer · 26/08/2022 09:16

Screenburn · 26/08/2022 09:04

Contact would not have moved from his flat to a contact centre without something of concern having happened - a move out of area by the mother wouldn’t cause it.

Your DN is not telling you the full story, OP, and you need to fill in those gaps for the sake of the kid before you continue supporting him.

I wasn't saying it was because of the move per se, but because SS are involved and he needs to be assessed.

OP posts:
AnnaFri · 26/08/2022 09:18

@SplashparkSummer

He could be assessed at home

For them to move him from home based supervision to a contact center something will have triggered that

knittingaddict · 26/08/2022 09:21

SplashparkSummer · 24/08/2022 21:27

Oh, absolutely we're not expecting it to go from seeing him once a week to full contact. There was mention of a baby and father home.

The mother was moved out of area and that is why he sees his DS at a contact centre. Prior to that he saw him in his flat.

That is NOT how it works. A parent would only see a child in a contact centre because there are concerns over their parenting. Do you think we are stupid?

bloodyunicorns · 26/08/2022 09:27

When did your nephew and his wife break up? How long did he see his dc at his flat before the contact centre started? Something must have happened to trigger this, or SS became aware that something had happened.

I'm not sure if DV against a previous partner would be enough to trigger this. Was your DN officially charged with DV? Did he go to prison?

I still think you're missing some vital information here. Does DN have a social worker?

I'd suggest you go to all meetings with him, see if you can find out the whole story.

viques · 26/08/2022 09:34

I feel so sorry for the child. Someone seeing their child once a week at a supervised contact centre is not the same as being a parent having full responsibility for a child 24 hours a day, seven days a week, even with support. I understand this young man wants to do the best for his child, but from what has been written it strikes me that he is barely managing. The poor child has already had to endure living with one unstable parent in not ideal circumstances, it seems very mean to now give its care over to another parent who doesn’t seem to have much idea of what will be expected apart from playing daddy once a week to a child who someone else has washed, dressed, fed and delivered to the centre and who will then be taken away to be cared for for another week.

Sorry OP, I just think young children should be given the best opportunities they can, not to be passed around to anyone with a blood relative claim. The early years are the time of greatest learning and brain development, the child deserves better.