Sibling fallout - who is being unreasonable

[wasabipeas]

I’m trying to keep this neutral because I’ve lost perspective on this situation so please be gentle…

3 siblings - A, B and C. All married with DCs

A is very well off, big house, lots of holidays, skiing etc
B is doing ok, has a holiday every year but camping/Eurocamp or self catering sort of things
C has the least money of all of them, due to working in a low-paying industry and wouldn’t ordinarily take DCs ‘away’ on holiday but would do day trips locally etc

For the last few years, family A has offered to take family C on holiday. Not joining their usual long haul but Centreparcs or a week in a cottage which Family A pays for

A and C have returned from a holiday recently, and B asked C how it was.
C said it was great, B said, half jokingly ‘I look forward to it being our turn for the free FamilyA holiday scheme one day’

C tells A what was said, A contacts C and says that it’s not about free holidays so much as giving kids who wouldn’t otherwise have a holiday something, where as B’s kids get a holiday every year, so this isn’t something that B is going to come to as long as they are able to give their kids a holiday

A is cross and B being entitled, B is cross at their kids being excluded, C is stuck in the middle of it

Who IBU?

if it makes any difference, A and C are the same gender

Maybe, just maybe, C knows A well enough to know he’d appreciate a heads up about B and the incoming mother - meddling, rather than being blindsided. That it would be shit stirring in some families does not mean it is the dynamic in this particular one.

I would tell the PIL that you invited them because of the spare bedrooms and that B had already booked her holidays by then. And call it a day.

Next year we’ll see, as you said it was not something you wanted to make a tradition of.

B is being a bellend.
Nobody is entitled to free holidays from anyone. And anyone that can't understand that others are worse off than them are just self centered.
I have given a sibling money when they needed it. I wouldn't expect my other sibling to demand the same when they didn't need it.
It's a lovely thing that A is doing for C. Don't let B ruin it.

I agree with B. It’s unfair.

Its unfair to just exclude them and A could of got a bigger place and you could of all gone.

I couldn’t imagine favouring one sibling over the other to the extent I pay for one holiday for them and nada for the other.

Agree with this. It's a difficult dynamic with 3 sibs when two naturally get on better and one always feels a little on the outside - this can sometimes appear to the others two that the other sib chooses this or brings if on their self, but often they are roles forged in childhood which are hard to break. I would really try to include B more. It's not necessarily about money but these holidays are representing who is in and who is out iykwim.

But no one needs a holiday.
Giving something to one sibling because they need it is completely different to a holiday which is a luxury.

@saltinesandcoffeecups

Absolutely won’t be showing anyone the thread, and name changed specifically

But I genuinely didn’t think we had done anything wrong, and that it would be pretty obvious that this was done to give all kids a fairly equal position of being able to experience a summer holiday.

I was so taken aback by MIL (and Bs) apparent insistence that we are being somehow unfair when the only objective was the exact opposite of that

So this thread was so see if I was going mad…

and tbh there is quite a spread of responses (I’m ignoring the ‘C is shit stirring’ ones because I know 100% they aren’t, and the family dynamic means they were right to warn DH that she was annoyed… it would have stirred more shit to have sat on the info…)

I don’t know what our next move is tbh
We enjoy the breaks, I enjoy(ed) knowing we have those kids a nice holiday they wouldn’t otherwise have but I don’t want to cause any resentments in the longer term

i absolutely do not hate B. She isn’t my bestie, I am aware of her foibles but we get along as well as any of my other SILs. That doesn’t mean she makes the perfect holiday companion though. I have lots of friends who I like a lot but wouldn’t want to go on holiday with!

And who knows what will happen next year with travel anyway

Sigh. Bloody families

What exactly did MIL say?
I would be tempted to just act dumb and say oh where is B going on holiday again? They’ve already got it all lined up haven’t they? And they work part time, they do have a good life don’t they! And they have you as PILs to help them out when they need it. How lovely!

Then just carry on as you are.

It doesn’t need to be fair.

Why should anyone spend money and holiday time with someone you don’t particularly like and/or want to spend time with? That’s just masochism.

Then be upfront and say the truth…. We don’t like you.

Don’t pretend it’s for any other reason and it’s to ‘even the playing field’ when it’s bullshit.

Let B know they aren’t liked.

Hmm, I could easily be B in this family scenario so I can understand why they are feeling a bit peeved. One of their siblings is treating the other of their siblings to a nice free holiday while they are probably scrimping and saving for their holiday.
A is entitled to do whatever they want with their money but should understand that giving one sibling a free holiday will obviously leave the other sibling jealous.
B is understandably jealous of the situation and made what should have been taken to be a harmless comment.
C, whether intended or not, has been the shit-stirrer and should not have mentioned B's comment.

This is a good really good point - I hadn’t thought of it this way.

I think A sounds lovely. B is jealous and needs to see the bigger picture and C shouldn't have told A what B said!

If it’s genuinely for the children because they won’t get another holiday otherwise, will you be paying for B and family to come along if the cost of living over the next 12 months means they can’t afford to go away at all otherwise?

B is the youngest and Golden Child and stamping her feet that she feels slighted and MIL/PIL as usual backing up the tantrum.

B is likely or out both about it being a "free holiday" AND that she isn't the centre of attention.

TBH I'd ignore the tantrum and tell MIL you will invite who you want on holiday whether it's be family or friends.

Or she likes her enough on the exchanging small talk and pleasantries front, but doesn’t particularly consider her to be a desired holiday companion.

it can be primarily for the kids, but it’s not unreasonable for the OP and her DH to want to enjoy the adult company as well.

A is BU. In B’s shoes I’d feel like A was controlling. Does A do this with other gifts?

We have a similar situation in our family. SIL and BIL are invited multiple times a year to stay in a log cabin which a aunt owns free of charge, we have never been invited. Think lots of Facebook/Instagram pictures of meals out, days on the beach etc.

It hurts my husbands feelings more than he lets on, he feels like his family don’t like him. It comes across as jealousy and entitlement, but really he just can’t understand what he’s done for us to not even be invited to stay in a local B&B/camp etc. Sometimes his parents go along too. It’s a dreadful situation, an elephant in the room and makes us feel like the black sheep of the family.

On a day to day basis we all get along together at family gatherings, no signs of atmosphere.

Just a different perspective, it may seem entitled but it really is hurtful to not be invited regardless of who’s paying! (We can pay our own way, it is literally the lack of invite that hurts!)

I wonder what C is saying to B about A behind their back. Be surprised if they aren't.

I think its all a bit weird! If I was c, I'd feel weird about 'a' so blatantly trying to treat my kids as a charity case. But that said, I think they all need to grow up and get on! Personally I'm finding 'A' the most annoying. Maybe b isn't as rich as A thinks. A seems to think they are superior to all of them.
I doubt any of them know each other as well as they think. I think it's all a bit odd.

I would rather go camping barefoot at the North Pole than go on holiday with ANY of this lot. So much drama!

Well, I think it was a really nice thing to do, and it's nobody else's business how you decide to spend your money.

If I was c, I'd feel weird about 'a' so blatantly trying to treat my kids as a charity case.

But surely that’s why it’s done as “come along with us” rather than “let us pay for you to have a holiday” (as others have suggested upthread). A come and join in invitation is rather different from a charity one and must make everyone feel less awkward.

This 🤣🤣

I think this is possibly how B feels even if she can be difficult. I expect B is also hurt for her children. C’s children naturally will be excited and discuss their holiday plans and what they did on their return.