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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sibling fallout - who is being unreasonable

350 replies

wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 20:22

I’m trying to keep this neutral because I’ve lost perspective on this situation so please be gentle…

3 siblings - A, B and C. All married with DCs

A is very well off, big house, lots of holidays, skiing etc
B is doing ok, has a holiday every year but camping/Eurocamp or self catering sort of things
C has the least money of all of them, due to working in a low-paying industry and wouldn’t ordinarily take DCs ‘away’ on holiday but would do day trips locally etc

For the last few years, family A has offered to take family C on holiday. Not joining their usual long haul but Centreparcs or a week in a cottage which Family A pays for

A and C have returned from a holiday recently, and B asked C how it was.
C said it was great, B said, half jokingly ‘I look forward to it being our turn for the free FamilyA holiday scheme one day’

C tells A what was said, A contacts C and says that it’s not about free holidays so much as giving kids who wouldn’t otherwise have a holiday something, where as B’s kids get a holiday every year, so this isn’t something that B is going to come to as long as they are able to give their kids a holiday

A is cross and B being entitled, B is cross at their kids being excluded, C is stuck in the middle of it

Who IBU?

if it makes any difference, A and C are the same gender

OP posts:
SunshineLoving · 24/08/2022 21:58

If I was B, I would be quite upset at being left out by my siblings. I would understand that C struggles financially and A wants to pay for them to come but I would want to be invited and pay for myself.

If B is focussing on the money, they're being really unreasonable.

Cupofteaonesugar · 24/08/2022 21:58

I can understand why B might feel left out or jelous... but I think it's lovely for A to help C out.
I'm in a Very similar position to C. I am trying my hardest to keep my head above water with all the rising costs and being a single mum to two under 5. It's hard. We have lovely days out but no big holidays!
If my sibling included us in a holiday I'd be so touched and grateful.
Similarly if my sibling included another sibling on a Holiday and didn't invite me or discuss it with me before hand it might bring up some weird feelings which are equally understandable.

whumpthereitis · 24/08/2022 22:00

Gagaandgag · 24/08/2022 21:54

Im sure you could rally the PIL to come - so a
ratio that’s 2 children per adult with one left over which might be the responsible 13 year old.
Im just saying if it was truly for the children it would be achievable

Show quote history

There’s a difference between providing something that requires minimal effort (paying for them to join in this case), and having to coordinate who can do what to make something happen, and then spending the holiday being responsible for extra kids. The latter involves arseache.

it doesn’t matter if C could have afford a holiday otherwise. If that required juggling finances rather than just taking it out of disposal income, he may not have been prepared to make those sacrifices. That’s his call. As it is A’s call to say ‘hey, join us, I’ll pay’.

B doesn’t need to feature into their plans at all. It’s nothing to do with her.

Runwalkskijump · 24/08/2022 22:01

C works full time for the NHS and would struggle to earn more, his DW is a TA so also not highly paid

B works part time so IMO could up her hours if she was so desperate for a holiday but until now has always said how much they love camping

Showing your bias there OP. C DW could change jobs too if you are saying B could up their hours. TA work is term time only so probably overall works similar hours to B

Anonykunt · 24/08/2022 22:03

C. What a fucking shit stirrer. Grow the fuck up.

Original poster
wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 22:05

Gagaandgag · 24/08/2022 21:54

Im sure you could rally the PIL to come - so a
ratio that’s 2 children per adult with one left over which might be the responsible 13 year old.
Im just saying if it was truly for the children it would be achievable

Show quote history

It’s truly for the children who don’t get any other sort of holiday
Not to stress me out to high hell for some children to get an extra holiday on top of their family one

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 24/08/2022 22:05

Runwalkskijump · 24/08/2022 22:01

C works full time for the NHS and would struggle to earn more, his DW is a TA so also not highly paid

B works part time so IMO could up her hours if she was so desperate for a holiday but until now has always said how much they love camping

Showing your bias there OP. C DW could change jobs too if you are saying B could up their hours. TA work is term time only so probably overall works similar hours to B

Quite, C and family working part time and low paid all wonderful and virtuous, B working part time just lazy and needing to do more!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 24/08/2022 22:06

SunshineLoving · 24/08/2022 21:58

If I was B, I would be quite upset at being left out by my siblings. I would understand that C struggles financially and A wants to pay for them to come but I would want to be invited and pay for myself.

If B is focussing on the money, they're being really unreasonable.

This

MichelleScarn · 24/08/2022 22:06

'Some children' ? You really do dislike B and family!

Original poster
wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 22:10

MichelleScarn · 24/08/2022 22:06

'Some children' ? You really do dislike B and family!

I really don’t!
Are you projecting..?

In this fictional group holiday, some will have this chaos as their only holiday, others (including mine) and will have it as an additional holiday

And I would probably need a holiday to get over it..!

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 24/08/2022 22:11

C and family working part time and low paid all wonderful and virtuous

C works full time. You even quoted OP saying that!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/08/2022 22:11

I’ll keep up withA, B, C for simplicity…

A is perfectly reasonable to invite and pay for C
C is reasonable for telling B the plans
C is reasonable for telling A about B’s comments
B is reasonable for making snarky comments and getting mad at A and C
MIL is unreasonable for getting involved

It’s pretty simple really…
You are all grownups… you can do what you want. You can’t, however, control the reactions of others your actions after the fact. So great you had a good holiday, now you have to deal with B being mad.

I’m really not sure why you are even asking this here… Are you going to show B the comments and say get over it…these randos on the internet didn’t think we did anything wrong?

MichelleScarn · 24/08/2022 22:11

Blossomtoes · 24/08/2022 22:11

C and family working part time and low paid all wonderful and virtuous

C works full time. You even quoted OP saying that!

Cs wife is a TA so.works term time only?

BungleandGeorge · 24/08/2022 22:12

It’s tricky when you start making judgements about how much people earn. I presume C must have a few children and that means money is spread thinner. B might be prioritising holidays and C isn’t. I think C really should be inviting you to some of the day meet ups since you take them on holiday!

Pallisers · 24/08/2022 22:12

Of course A can invite whoever he wants to join them on holidays and of course he can pay for who he wants. Personally I think A and C should have told no one who was paying for what - just that it suited them to go away together.

But then, I have 3 young adult children. I think it quite likely that 2 of them would go on hols together - with or without children - in the future. The older one wouldn't care - or maybe they would if it was a regular thing and they were never invited. If it was my middle one being excluded/not invited, then she would feel really excluded. ime the middle child thing is real. Three siblings is actually a tricky number - if there were 4 then 2 weren't invited/paid for and it makes more sense. excluding just one seems pointed.

So basically this:

If I was B, I would be quite upset at being left out by my siblings. I would understand that C struggles financially and A wants to pay for them to come but I would want to be invited and pay for myself. If B is focussing on the money, they're being really unreasonable.

Bangolads · 24/08/2022 22:13

B is a twat and c is a shit stirrer

Pallisers · 24/08/2022 22:13

saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/08/2022 22:11

I’ll keep up withA, B, C for simplicity…

A is perfectly reasonable to invite and pay for C
C is reasonable for telling B the plans
C is reasonable for telling A about B’s comments
B is reasonable for making snarky comments and getting mad at A and C
MIL is unreasonable for getting involved

It’s pretty simple really…
You are all grownups… you can do what you want. You can’t, however, control the reactions of others your actions after the fact. So great you had a good holiday, now you have to deal with B being mad.

I’m really not sure why you are even asking this here… Are you going to show B the comments and say get over it…these randos on the internet didn’t think we did anything wrong?

actually this is a really good analysis of the whole thing :)

MichelleScarn · 24/08/2022 22:14

Not projecting at all! You obviously don't think you are BU. As pp have said, just keep taking C on hols if you want, but the whole 'innocent' shit stirring from C isn't helping, surely you must see this?

MichelleScarn · 24/08/2022 22:16

Actually what @saltinesandcoffeecups said much more succinctly!

eglantine7 · 24/08/2022 22:16

I don't like C saying what was said. My younger sibling does that a lot and has caused a lot of strife for me and between my older sibling. We get on now but I'm very wary around my own siblings A and particularly C. Still love them though but oh so wary now in recent years! It's stressful for our elderly parent too, so you have my sympathy.
B feels excluded and it's as simple as that.

Forestgate · 24/08/2022 22:17

hopeishere · 24/08/2022 20:38

C is a shit stirrer.

I can get that B feels left out of big family memories and feels their kids miss out on cousin stuff.

100% this

C is entitled- expecting a free holiday year in year out and massively shit stirring.

A and C are also BVU to B kids leaving out of those memories. Why can't you do a big group holiday? Why does B have to be left out entirely?

Sally872 · 24/08/2022 22:17

A can pay for C's family holiday without owing B the same for any reason. Especially to help C and because holidays with B are hard work.

Don't engage in any conversation with MIL about this, and ignore any huffiness from B.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 24/08/2022 22:18

TrashPandas · 24/08/2022 20:24

B is a brat.

C is a stirrer for telling A what was said.

Why did C repeat that? If A wanted B to go, A could contact B. If B thought they deserved a turn, they B should contact A. C should keep her mouth shut or there won't be anymore holidays.

AllyCatTown · 24/08/2022 22:18

I sort of see B’s pov. If I was struggling to pay for a holiday which lots of people will be, I’d be jealous of my sibling getting one for free. It’s hard to know how serious they were by that comment and if they’re entitled. Maybe they were just envious and sounding off for a moment. I think even if C had good intentions there was nothing to gain from telling A that B seemed annoyed.

Surtsey · 24/08/2022 22:21

Well, they say no good deed goes unpunished.

A has been kind & generous, and has helped their sibling C and dc's have holidays when they otherwise wouldn't have had one at all. That's a nice thing to do.

Sibling B is pissed off about being left out. That part is reasonable, but the part about wanting A to also pay for them to have a holiday is not. Sibling rivalry is also playing a part.

C is piggy in the middle.

The only way round it that I can think of is that next year, A gives C some money so C can book their own holiday. Neither A or C tell B (or the PIL's) what they have done.