I have no bond with my daughter.

[AwfulMum22]

I have no idea what to do. It makes me feel sick to feel this way but I just have no bond with her at all. I’ve spent years in therapy about it, I’ve tried every trick going. I’ve tried forcing myself to do all of the interests that she has but it’s just not there. I had awful PND when she was born and was in an abusive relationship that I know she effected our bond but it’s been 8 years and it’s still not there.

Ive had another baby since and our bond was instant and it makes me feel so much worse.

i love her to pieces and I would die for her but I don’t like her much. I feel like I have the ick. Everything she does just irritates me. I’m very tried medication, counselling, cbt but nothing is working. What the hell do I do? I don’t want her to be sat in a therapists office in 20 years time crying about her piece of shit mother.

That's tough, I'm sorry op. Can you be more specific about what irritates you? Could you just have very different personalities? Perhaps as she grows up and becomes more mature, you'll find you enjoy her company more. 8 can be a difficult age. I have 4 children and my oldest is 8, nearly 9. It feels like having a mini teenager in the house. I also love her to pieces, but she irritates me too currently!

You were in an abusive relationship, so I’m assuming her father was your abuser? Did you want to be pregnant/continue the pregnancy?

Unfortunately therapy isn’t a magic bullet that can fix all issues, because despite the best intentions not all issues can be fixed. Having therapy does not mean that you will get what you want from it. It may be that what therapy can provide you, is a way to live with this.

What does your therapist recommend? You absolutely must sort this out as she has already been through so much at such a young age ☹️ I really feel for her now she has a younger sibling who is more loved (and whose father,presumably, you are still with?)

Do you think you identify her with her abusive dad subconsciously? What was your relationship with your own mother like?

Relationship with my parents is pretty weird. I don’t like them very much to be honest.

My daughter loves me and I know I love her very much. I cry all the time from the guilt of feeling this way. When I was in hospital having my baby (I was in for 3 weeks) I cried every time I saw a photo of her or even thought about her. I KNOW I love her. It’s just this horrible cloud that follows me around and I can only seem to tolerate her in small bursts. Things have improved since I’ve gone back to work but it’s still hard for us all.

I am no expert, but perhaps stop being so hard on yourself?

You love her and she loves you.

This exact situation happened with a close family friend of mine. She had zero connection with her middle child, and she did everything humanly possible to fix it. What she did was to fake it until she made it, and she did! She forced herself to be as demonstrative, loving, and engaged with that child as she was with her other 2, and when he was about 12, everything kind of fell into place and their relationship was reborn.

This child is an adult now and he and his mum are very, very close. It just took quite a bit of time and a lot of perseverance. Don't give up, op.

Perhaps it would help on this thread to list the types of things you dont like about her?

But I do think you need to give yourself a bit of a pat on the back. Instead of feeling guilty all the time.

I also agree with @Aquamarine1029
Faking it could help?

Or maybe list the things that you DO love about her?
Focus on the positives?

@AwfulMum22 How old is your other child and how long have you been with their dad, Do they have a good relationship with her? Did they look after her for the 3 weeks you were in hospital?

Yeah I don’t think listing her bad qualities will help the situation. Tell us what her good qualities are, what interests her, what you love about her. What other people, classmates, teachers would say about her.

Can you analyse what it is you don’t ‘like’ about being with her.
Is it actually her or the way your history with with her makes you feel about yourself?
Are your short periods of interactions with her positive-especially from her point of view?
Personally I would have thought your willingness to try and change it must make a massive difference to her in the long run. You’ve not given up.
Also try not to compare the relationships between you and your two children.
The way I feel for both of mine is different, so is the relationship- I have an excellent bond to both.

And yes, start listing all her good qualities to remind yourself why you love her.
Without trying to undermine your feelings - all 8 year olds are irritating a lot of the time. Can you accept that some of it is a normal parent reaction?

I had this with my oldest. PND and CPTSD caused it for me. Spent many years being disconnected and then horrendously triggered by her. It was hell. I hated myself for it. I've had several years of a therapy called Brainspotting which has helped a great deal. Addressing my trauma has given me space to work on my relationship with her. It can still be tricky sometimes but it has improved massively. I really do understand. Try to see it as part of a dynamic you did not cause and would change if you could (you can with support using EMDR or Brainspotting) and look for ways of dealing with your own trauma first.

I think you have to unpick why she 'triggers' you - at the root cause it's likely to be something about how you feel about yourself and how you were patented.

There aren’t really any bad things to say about her. She’s a really great kid. She’s beautiful, kind, hilarious, loving, sensitive, loyal, intelligent. She’s literally sunshine in a little person.

It’s me that’s the miserable ogre. The ick is really the only way I can describe it. Just normal behaviours that just turn me off completely.

Ive been with my husband for 4 years not and our baby is 10 months. He didn’t look after her when I was in hospital as he had to work so my grandparents looked after her.
I project a lot of tk feelings onto him and often accuse him of not liking her when it’s actually my own guilt talking and I know this effects his bond with her too. I’m also very soft with her because of the guilt.
I have bipolar so I’m a very up and down sort of person and I know I’m just completely fucking get up. I sometime feel like she would just be better off without me. But I couldn’t live without her.

I'm the DD in this situation. My DM had PND and then some other MH problems when I was a child.

I'm now late 30s and we've never really had a mother daughter relationship. It's sad, but I don't think it's fixable. I've had several years of counselling over my childhood.

I think DM would love to magic up a close relationship with me now but it's just not possible. We love each other, she knows I love her, we just never really had a proper bond.

Do you hate her for it? I’m so worried that she will leave home one day and that will be it.

I am a middle child. My mother didn’t like me. I know she loved me but I could sense her irritation at me merely for being in the same room as her. I have a younger sibling and it was obvious my mother was besotted. Weirdly I grew up to be the favourite, merely because the boys found wives and I became the one she could rely on. As adults we get along fine but as a child she struggled to tolerate me. She over compensates now which pisses me at times.
I wish I could tell you it doesn’t damage you but it does. I have spent a lifetime seeking approval. I know she couldn’t help how she felt but I have always felt less worthy and lacking in confidence.
On the plus side I rely on nobody and learned how to take care of myself
I wish I had some advice for you. I guess fake it and do your best not to show it.

She's 8? So still a minor? The things that you don't like, is it the behaviour you'd expect from a child of that age? Or is the dislike for your child rooted in your experiences? Are there other positive/healthy female influences/support systems/relationships around for the both of you

That was my immediate thought too - all 8 year olds (and indeed all DC) can be irritating. Even your own. Especially your own, I would have thought!

This sounds like good advice to me.

You can’t force yourself to feel an emotion, not any type of emotion in relation to anyone or anything. Trying to force yourself to feel love towards your DD is just one more item “to do” on your arm-long Mother’s To Do List. It’s understandable if that fact actually makes you feel more resentful and guilty than full of love.

Since you can’t fix how you feel, stop trying to. Focus on how you act. Actions are within your control. The more time you spend with your DD, the more you invest yourself in her happiness and success, the more likely you are to wind up feeling some affection for you in the future. But don’t make that the goal - just go through the motions and assure yourself that that’s good enough. You’re good enough.

Is it possible that the 'ick' comes from her reminding you of your guilt? Could you try forgiving yourself for your relationship with her so far? It sounds like at the minute she's a reflection of all the things you've done wrong or don't like about yourself and that's what you need to move on from x

You sound like my mother. She loved me the least but I was the most like her. Think forward, how will you feel when she doesn't want much to do with you and has her own family. She will need to protect herself because she feels your negativity. Hopefully she is building up lots of resilience. I don't underestimate your feelings - admire your honesty - but you will lose out in the long term. Good luck! I think you can build on this. x

The fact that you're prepared to think your feelings through, gain insight, and want to change means you're NOT an ogre.

Be kind to yourself. I don't have any tips except that!